108 Days of Yoga

Is it OK to call yoga your "workout?"

2009-06-09T18:55:00.001-07:00

Yoga is more than just a “workout.” Anyone who has been practicing for a while can tell you that. But in addition to yoga being a tool for self discovery and/or mental, emotional and spiritual growth, yoga is a “workout.” If you have ever had beads of sweat drip on the mat as you hold your focus in downward dog or your hamstrings sing as you fold into wide angled forward fold, than you have had direct experience of the physicality of yoga. Face it, we are all physical. We are sensual beings with physical needs. We were born into this world with bodies. Almost all of us have bodies with some sort of limitation but nontheless we are still physical beings. Yoga is a way of healing, listening, accepting, and transforming our bodies. Practicing yoga is a way to treat our body as a temple in this lifetime. It is appropriate for everyone (with the proper teacher and modifications). Yoga is for the person who uses a wheelchair and the most naturally gifted athlete.

When I first started yoga, I was drawn to it for the physicality and how great my body felt from a consistent practice. I am not at all embarrased to say that yoga was a “workout” to me. I was 30 years old and in great physical shape. Yoga was a workout that completely shattered any previous misconceptions I had about it being easy, slow or boring. Yoga showed up as a powerful and challenging way to exercise. It's ability to wake up every muscle and cell in my body blew me away. It was different than any other form of exercise I had ever experienced. I felt as high after a yoga class as I did after a five mile run or an intense step aerobic class. I recognized that my body was not getting the wear and tear from yoga as from other forms of exercise. As a matter of fact, my body was slowly getting stronger and more supple while familiar aches and pains that I felt in my knees when I would run were slowly fading away.

For the immediate physical benefits of yoga and for how I felt and looked, I was hooked. Eventually I would come to do yoga for other reasons as well. I would return back to my yoga mat over and over again because of the mental and emotional benefits. I would return to my yoga mat for the healing that was taking place underneath. I would return to yoga for stillness, the lessons in self-compassion and self acceptance and the connection I felt to something greater than myself.

In our stressed out and fast paced society, when most people check out yoga for the first time it is more likely for the physical benefits than for the spiritual benefits. This makes complete sense. It is difficult to wrap your mind around the spiritual connection that yoga can foster if you have never even tried it.

Why wouldn't someone begin yoga for the physical benefits? There is so much research and press on this. Yoga has been touted as a tool to heal everything from stress, depression and eating disorders to arthritis, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Yoga is tried and true. It has been around for thousands of years. My personal opinion is that there is absolutely nothing suspect or shallow about being attracted to the physical benefits of yoga. Personally I love the physcial benefits of yoga. I want to reap them as long as I can. When my students are upside down in shoulderstand posture, I often ask them to imagine themselves in this pose in their 70's and 80's and 90's. With ease. With gratitude. Why not? In the long run, can the body and spirit be separated?

In the beginning I came to yoga looking for a good workout. Today yoga is still my good workout. I also do other forms of physical exercise such as run 3 to 4 miles a couple times of week, hike and some weights with a personal trainer. But yoga is still a very complete and satisfying workout that I don't intend on giving up any time soon. In my twelve years of practicing yoga I have not gotten bored. I cannot say this about my relationship with running, the treadmill or the gym. I have had to change my yoga practice over the years to support whatever changes my body is experiencing. I practiced yoga very differently when I am recovering from the flu, tired or stressed out than when I am not any of those things. These days, I gravitate to vigorous yoga and I am not a very easy person to be around if I do not get this in at least three to four times per week. Here's the truth- my yoga practice is my workout, my stress reliever, my muscle toner, my sanity keeper, my therapist and my church.

Samadhi Yoga Teachers Talk About Their Very Different Yoga Practices

The following is a collection of interviews with popular and inspiring yoga teachers from my studio. Each one practices yoga on a regular basis. Each one has a deep yoga practice but not necessarily with an emphasis on power. Some practice hard and some practice soft. Some do both. I thought it would be interesting to peek into their personal yoga practice and discern how important and time consuming the practice is to them as a physical workout and if they do any other forms of exercise on a regular basis. I also asked them about diet and weight management, injuries and healing.

Jude Kochman ( Teaches Power, All Levels and Restorative Yoga. She is also an instructor in our 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training Program)

Q. How often do you practice yoga?
A. I practice yoga five to six days a week. Sometimes I practice in classes and sometimes I practice at home. I like to start my mornings at home with a short practice but I also take classes at studios in the evenings if I am not teaching.
Q. What type of yoga do you practice?
A. I tend to lean towards an All Levels style of practice than Power. I find that I can make an All Levels meet most of my needs, whether I need a stronger or more gentle practice. There is just more room for variance in an All Levels style of yoga. In the summer months, I would say that my yoga is more gentle focusing on flexibility and breath. This could be because I am employed in a very high stress industry and I do a lot of repetitive motion activities outside of work such as cycling, running, and hiking. My body and mind require something guiding me towards introspection, softening and compassion rather than power.
Q. Is meditation or breathwork a part of your practice?
A. Breathwork is a big part. Meditation is something I am trying to do more of. I love breathwork and the the peace it gives. I still struggle with meditation and can't seem to quiet the chatter and just sit. I think I allow my life to be too frenetic which then translates into there is too much to do, think about, etc. and meditation becomes another thing I should do but don't.
Q. Does your body get injured practicing yoga?
A. Rarely but when it does, it usually because I am not practicing with mindfulness. It's all albout listening without ego to the body and respond in an appropriate fashion. If I do that, then I don't hurt myself. When I am injured, I simply back off, take care to avoid.
Q. Do you have any other type of regular exercise that you do in addition to yoga?
A. Yes, absolutely. I cycle, run, hike, use cardio machines and cross country ski. I run 3 to 4 times a week for anywhere from 3 to 5 miles. I cycle at least twice a week with distances that vary from 20-60 miles. Hiking is whenever and wherever possible. The rest are done during the winter months when riding is out and running is lessened.
Q. Why do you do other forms of exercise?
A. I love the endorphin rush of running, the distance one can go on a bike, the beauty of the mountains and the woods. I thoroughly enjoy the feeling of my body in motion and the strength that I gain from it. The outdoors is my foundation and in nature I find my bliss. The combination of movement and environment are the best gifts I can give myself.
Q. Does yoga help you maintain a health body weight?
A. I think so. While I don't consider weight to be a big issue at this stage of my life, I do like to feel fit and I know that extra pounds are are evident in my running and riding capacity and efficacy so I try to keep them at bay. What I do find that yoga works best for is keeping me toned. I don't lift weights other than my own body weight in various yoga postures and yet my arm and back definition is retained at a very high level.
Q. Has your yoga practice gotten more physical or less physical since you first started yoga?
A. Probably my yoga is less power oriented but not necessarily less physical. I still feet that there is a huge physical element to my yoga. It just takes a less intense form. I think I've slowed down much of my practice and look to feel each pose more deeply than my early practice evidenced. The philosophical and spiritual side of my practice has difintely grown over time as I gotten deeper into the spaces within myself.
Q. How does yoga support your other physical activities?
A. Yoga is the only reason I am running again. Having injured myself very badly three years ago, I was told by five separate doctors that I'd never run again. As a marathon runner, running was my love and my passion. To be told I could never run again gave heartbreak new meaning. For two years, I practiced yoga and tried to accept the changes in my mind and body. Yoga gave me the mental strength to keep going and the recupreative power to heal in a variety of ways.
Q. How do you eat to support your yoga?
A. I am a vegetarian, so I eat pretty low on the food chain. This decision had been made based on environmentalism and the treatment of animals and my personal tastes. My diet has not changed significantly due to yoga but I do try to eat a lot more slowly and mindfully. If I am going to break with healthy eating, say indulge in that bowl of ice cream or cookie, I try to do so knowingly and with enjoyment. I don't always accomplish it but I aim toward a very holistic and healthy eating pattern.
Q. Tell me anything else I have left out about yoga as a physical practice for you.
A. Healing. I think there is a huge space for healing within yoga on a physical level as well. There are time we torque a body part and repeatedly reinjure. Yoga can be used to alleviate the pain, strengthen the surrounding areas and even fix that which is hurt. Given time and practice, I think yoga can reduce or eliminate all sort of sport and nonsport related injuries. Taking a slow and gentle approach is the way to go for me where healing is concerned.
Q. Is yoga more than just the physical for you?
A. Very much more than physical. It is a union. It allows me the time for introspection, for seeing things about myself, my reaction, my feelings that I would likely not slow down long enough to view. It is a safety net in a crazed world, a place of safety and self acceptance. Yoga is a gift.

Dawn Greenfield (Samadhi Yoga Studio of Manchester Manager. Teaches All Levels Yoga alot!!)

Q. How often do you practice yoga?

A. My yoga begins every day in varied ways. As soon as I wake up, am still in bed, eyes are not even open and I begin dhirga breath and ujjayi. My mind begins to race into my days to do's and I search for my calm center.

I stand up to stretch, if the weather permits I step outside heading to the light. I wnat to feel the sun on my body as I begin spinal movements and lengthen my limbs.

I will come to my cushion and meditate 5 to 15 minutes.

I read something positive; Danna Faulds poetry, Women on Fire's Aspirations, Louise Hay's affirmations. This sets the tone for my day and encouragies me to be supportive to others.

Honestly I am not practicing yoga at Samadhi as much as I'd like right now. I strive for a few classes at the studio each week. I enjoy a variety of classes. I lvoe to sweat, feel my muscles stretch and engage. My home doesn't have the space fom my personal free style flow than in privacy takes me way off my mat, sometimes into dance and climbing the walls. My intention is to schedule less things into my day and enjoy more. With kids, however, thats not easy.

Q. When did you start practicing yoga?

A. I started practicing yoga about six years ago. At that time, I was a gym rat. I was there at ridiculous hours, for long hours and had hit a plateau. I was BORED! I was strong and flexible but with yoga I noticed new toned shape to my body without expecting it at all. I was trilled to physically challenge myself in a whole new way. I had an intense power practice about five days a week. Then i met Yoganand. He blew the doors wide open! Take a strong flexible body and add a lot of breathwork and you've got a completely changed person and practice. I still reap the benefits of my practice but in differen ways all the time, physically, emotionally, energetically, mentally and spritually. On and off the may, yog is in each breath and in each situation if I'm tuned in. It's a practice and it's not always smooth sailing. Especially when I am angry or stressed out. However my practice does bring me back literally breath by breath.

Q. Has your practice gotten more or less physical? Do you have any injuries?

A. My practice is less physical at this time. However like my weight, my moods and even the seasons it ebbs and flows. My goal is to be kind to my entire system. Appreciate everything my body can do. As I age and become injured I am more limited and have to modify. That can really piss me off! I want to rest in crow for more and more breaths but my wrists will ache later.

Since I have chosen to ignore the signs and play in plank and side plank, my wrist injury has migrated to my elbow and just this week into my left shoulder. That makes me mad! To simply move my arm for the first stretch of class hurts!

Q.Do you have other types of exercise that you do in addition to yoga?A. I adore walking, cycling, rock climbing, dancing, and running. Yoga breathing is so supportive through these activities and makes me feel stronger and more present. Stretching after these other things is like diving into a dark chocolate river and coming up for air to fresh strawberries at the shore. Yoga is so beneficial to recovery and respecting the activitiy afterwards. Being someone who feels quite flexible, I always enjoy the initial tightness these activities create.

Q. How do you eat to support your yoga?

A. My diet is constantly evolving. I was a vegetarian for years. A trip to China brought me back to the meat eating way of life. However, I do take it easy on the animal protein. I feel slow and sluggish sometimes. I love to eat with the seans and enjoy a variety of different cuisines. Indian, Mexican, Thai, and Sushi are my favorites. Right this moment I am looking forwar to tuna on sour dough (I am gluten intolerant) with a salad and fruit. I love coffee every morning and a piece of chocolate each day.

It has taken time. When I first came to yoga, I counted calories. I measured and documented each morsel of food and every glass of water. Every day I still worry that I am eating too little or too musch of this or that. It is a cycle that I battle with. I like to think I am balancining and honoring my body but I have eaten almost a whole bag of SmartPuffs or a box of chocolates in one day. My old disrespectful voices come into my head and they are lound and consuming taking up space rent free! However there is Samadhi and it's the light at the end of my tunnes when I need it the most.

Q. Is there anything else you want to say about your yoga?

A. I want to be mindful. I want to love myself and as a teacher I want you to love yourself. I want our childre to grow into teens that love themselves and each other. I want every person to walk into Samadhi, take a yoga class and walk out feeling less stress, less pressure, more in touch with what brings them joy. Breathing deeply and supporting the healthiest lifestyle they can personally imagine.

I don't know what else to add other than I came to yoga as a young woman who was ready for change and like it or not-I got it. It wasn't always pretty and it wasn't always easy but I am a better person everyday that I get on my mat. I am better to myself and I hope to everyone I meet. I cannot imagine my life without yoga. I have seen the other side of my life without and this yoga thing is so sweet! I am sticking to it until my last breath!

Bella Zubkov (Teaches Karma Yoga)

Q. How often do you practice yoga?

A. I practice 3 to 5 times per week usually for an hour and 1/2. The time vgaries depending on my work and my children's schedule but I prefer a morning practice when I have a choice. I prefer a power yoga practice because I enjoy the energy in the room and the level of physical work helps to keep me focused and steadies my mind. The physical practice allows fo me to practice meditation as well. I usually practice at a studio because there are too many distractions at home. But I really enjoy it when I can practice at home. I definitely do the ujjayi breathing throughout the practice. Focusing on the breath helps with meidtaion and prevents me from holding my breath in difficult postures.

I especially like a series of Sun Salutations. The movement is familiar and flows and there really is no need for thinking so my mind can be clear and the breath flows easily.

Q. When did you start practicing yoga?

A. I started practicing in early 2001. It was a challenge but every day I was able to do something new, go a little further and soon I was able to do some things that I never thought I would. I was able to focus better outside of yoga and better handle the ups and downs of a busy schedule, my busy medical practice and family life. I started eating better and healthier and I lost some weight. I became stronger and more fit. These changes continue to happen today although they are more subtle. I may go a little deeper in the postures or I may be able to get a little further in an arm balance but now the intervals between noticing these changes are longer. However, they are more rewarding.

Q. Do you do any other forms of exercise?

A. I do not.

Q. Does yoga help you maintain a health body weight?

A. Yes. I think that it provides a good calorie burning workout and also brings focus of what I put into my body.

Q. Has your yoga practice gotten more physical or less physical and why?

A. I would say it has stayed about the same. Although I can definitely do more and my stamina has improved. So if it has become more physical it is because of increased ability in stamina, focus and clearing my mind.

Q.If you do other physical activities how does your yoga practice support this?

A. My strength and flexibility allows me to go hiking, kayaking, travel to high altitudes and tolerate it better than I ever could before. I would not go on a long run or do another vigourous activity without a bit of training though. I was not a sedentary person prior to starting yoga. I would go to the gym and do step aerobics or a cardio machine or pilates several times per week but it did not result in the same legvel of fitness nor didi it have any of the other benefits of my yoga practice.

Q. How do you eat to support your yoga?

A. My diet has definitely changed. I eat a much healthier diet. I am not a vegetarian but eat lean proteins. I almost never fry or eat anything fried. I eat very little beef. I only eat whole grains and lots of vegetables. I limit sugar and eat little to no processed foods. I eat out a lot less and make a significant amount of the food I eat. I feel miserable if I stray from this type of eating. I do have treat and feel that when I was avoiding these I was not able to share in the food and the festivities. For example-a piece of cake at a birthday party. I guess I felt left out.

Yoga With A Music Playlist: Is This Really Yoga?

2009-05-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

In many yoga classes and studios, music is becoming a mainstay. I am not talking about the soft sounds of the sitar or the quiet chanting of a New Age songbird sifting in the background, but loud popular music, heavy base lines, rippin' guitar riffs, trance, electronica, rock'n'roll and rap. Like other recent arrivals to yoga, including non-plastic water bottles, eco-friendly yoga mats, blocks and straps, the addition of music brings with it a similar controvesy: Is it really yoga?

The following essay is my conflict, love affair and expanding relationship with yoga and music.

When I was in the summer that fell between sixth and seventh grade, elementary school and junior high, being a child and becoming a woman, I got my first record album as a present. It was The Bee Gees -Saturday Night Fever. The givers of this much longed for present were my grandparents. They had no idea what the music was all about, they only knew that I had begged them for it. Wore them down. When I received that first album, I stepped into a new world. I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole. I can still remember taking the plastic off of the cover and the smell of a new album. The way the cardboard edge felt under my finger tips. In that moment of unwrapping my precious first record, I began to grow up. Music became an accesible vehicle to give voice to newly emerging feelings; highs and lows, knowing and uncertainty, self love and self loathing as I outgrew childhood.

I grew up with parents who did not listen to music. Nothing. They never even had the car radio on. Although they were in their 20s and 30s in the last half of the 1960s and throughout the 1970's when so much exciting political and life changing music was happening, they were understandably too busy making a living and raising four young children to give it much attention. With no older siblings to expose me to music, I had to rely on friends. There were countless afternoons where groups of us sat around in someone's living room or basement and listened to music for hours. By that time, I was a little older. We were probably smoking cigarettes, maybe even pot. But what I remember most is not the high from any substance but the high from the music. According to Nina Simone, “Music is my God.” Throughout my teens, my Gods were Queen, Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Who, Pink Floyd, Yes, The Doors and I could go on and on.

At twenty, I fell in love with the man who was to become my husband of twenty years because of music. We grew up in the same era, in the same neighborhood, with the same friends, and with a ton of overlapping life experience. It was no surprise that we shared the same musical taste. By the time I started dating Matthew, I had a love affair with The Dead, James Taylor, Bob Marley, Neil Young, Crosby Stills and Nash. In our two decades together we have disagreed on a lot, but very little when it comes to musical taste. Our biggest musical estrangement is that I will never be a fan of Bruce Springsteen and Matthew would be just fine if he never had to listen to Tori Amos ever again.

At some point in my late twenties, I stopped listening to music. It slowly fell out of my life. One day it was just not there anymore. I felt little connection to the music I had so adored in my early teens and early twenties. I no longer recognized the names or sounds of popular new bands. The current music scene was edgy in a way I could not relate to. It felt overwhelming for me to conceive of catching up. Where would I start? Besides I was too busy. My life had gone in new directions. For the most part, I was content with my role as wife, full time employee and new mother but something was missing. I felt more important and more needed than ever before but less alive. I felt constricted. I was slowly turning into my own parents.

When I found yoga, I found music again. Simple as that. I was 31 years old when I took my first yoga class. My teacher, who was in his 70s, was playing the most beautiful (and current) music out of his portable cd player. The haunting voice of Loreena Mckennitt to the music of the cello woke something up inside of me. As we practiced pigeon and cows face, I remembered for the first time in a long time what it was like to be emotionally stirred up because of a song, a rythym, a voice. From that moment on, music slowly came back into my life. Sarah McLaughlin, Tory Amos, Lenny Kravitz and others. My taste had changed. I had changed. The refound connection to music that I experienced in my early yoga practice encouraged me to seek out the music that spoke to the woman I had become. It would take ten years but eventually I would fall back in love with all of the music that I had once loved and open up to much much more.

I went on to become a Kripalu yoga teacher. In a traditional Kripalu class, music is played only prior to class, during warm-ups and in Sivasana. According to tradition, the music should be soft and non-invasive. The breath is the focus. The breath is the truth. Loud music, drum beats and lyrics that talk about pain, pleasure, and political agendas will only serve as external distraction. Knowing that popular and current music did not conincide with my traditional learnings of yoga, I experimented with it anyways. I felt part yoga teacher, part yoga teacher imposter, part rebel, and part artist. My experiments with yoga and music almost lost me my first teaching job at a “real” yoga studio. A job I really wanted. The owner of the studio did hire me but after a strong lecture about my musical choices. She hired me because I had a obvious understanding of teaching alignment and technique but she took a hard-line approach to the music I had chosen to play in that first demo class. She told me “no” to my music. It would not be tolerated. It was simply too non-traditional and not what her yoga community wanted. I didn't like the feeling of my new found creativity to be rejected but I also wanted the job. When in Rome.....

In addition to teaching at the more formal yoga studio, I was also teaching at a gym. Here I could be as non-traditional as I wanted as long as my numbers were good. And good they were. People were coming to my classes in droves. Music became one of the foundations of my teaching. At first it was strictly Yoga music which I devoured. Pre I-Tunes, I poured over the World and New Age section of Borders. I spent hours at the Kripalu Shop, with headphones in my ears, listening to samples of the newest Yoga artists. I became intimate with Wah, Deva Premal, and the well-deserved king of contemporary Kirtan- Krishna Das. But I also added the quieter songs of The Beatles, Eva Cassidy, and The Rolling Stones into my mix. I was becoming as much a deejay as teacher. I put as much thought into my music selection as into sequence, techinique and philosophy.

In 2005, I went to Los Angelas to visit my brother. I randomly took a Yoga class led by a teacher named Light in Steve Ross's Maha Yoga Studio and I was blown away. During a two hour Power Class, he seemed to play all of my favorite songs. Loud and without apology. Throughout the practice, my eyes welled up with tears and at one point streamed down my face. After class the woman next to me said she was sorry if she bothered me because she cried during the entire class. It was not only me who was moved to tears.

As a studio owner, I see the benefits of practicing with music. It draws people in who otherwise wouldn't come to a yoga class. It works well for Type A people who, if not distracted with music, would otherwise spend the class in their heads instead of their hearts. Practicing with music also allows students to access moods viscerally, to process emotions they might not otherwise unearth without intellectualizing or analyzing them. In my power classes, I see this daily. In simple words, “Music allows people to let go of their emotional crap and feel totally exhilerated.” Music can evoke feelings of sadness, grief as well as feelings of celebration, compassion and love. For me, music gets me out of my head and into my body. My critical self becomes open and receptive. Receptive to the teachings, the breath, the combined energy of the yogis in the room. All of us on the same path for the next hour. All of us unique and precious. Music opens up my limited ways of thinking. It helps me to go underneath my self-imposed labels and every day responsibilities. Music helps me to let go of doing. This is essential to a spritual practice. To let go of identifying with oneself as the doer. When that happens, then what will remain is the truth. My truth as the woman I am;,creative, compassionate, a lover of life, and vibrantly alive.

But there is a downside to music in a yoga class. Music might be exotic. exciting and lift people up and out of the mundane. But isn't that the point of yoga, to be with the mundane? To face ourselves on every level, including the mundane. If this is the case, then practicing with music can be a distraction from the path. Patanjali laid out that the aim of yoga is to control the fluctuations of the mind. “Yoga citta vritti nirodah.” (Yoga Sutra of Panjali, 1.2) The mind must be observed constantly and with unwavering discipline. How is one to observe the movement of the mind while it is being flooded with a drumbeat and lyrics that glorify acquisition and luxury, and other external distractions that do not support the aim of yoga?

Unfortunately I have been in classes where the instructor leans too heavily on the beat of the music and goes light on instruction. I have personally witnessed sequencing as nonsensical, asanas as barely taught, students who wobble unguided in poses they haven't properly learned and breath that is unchecked, inconsequential and hardly referenced. To turn on music and command poses without technical guidance or philosophical reference waters down the practice and allows the term “yoga” to float somewher between fitness regime and latest pop culture trend. This is also a set up for poorly learned yoga and the reinforcement of bad habits which can lead to long term damage. Just because the monkey mind is being momentarily drowned out by The Black Eyed Peas does not mean the students are in touch with their bodies. As we move deeper into the body, into the muscles, joints, subtle energy body and stored psychology, isn't more focused attention, without distraction, crucial to uncover, release, deepen and expand?

These days I choose to play my music. But with discretion. I feel that a loud and distracting music playlist is not appropriate for beginners. For them I choose the gentle sitar or softer artists like Eva Cassidy and Ben Harper. In my beginner style classes I am careful to not drown out the collective sound of inhale and exhale. The Ujayaii breath is a vulnerable and sacred mantra.

These days I play my music only in my intermediate-level classes. Here's where it works. It is desirable to encourage yoga as a celebration. Grunting your way through a challenging standing series while The Jackshon 5's “Can You Feel It?” blares all around you is fun. It is certainly more fun than grunting your way through a challenging standing series to the cacophany of demons in your head.

As a long-time yoga practioner, I know too well the pitfalls of a rigid path. For five of my last ten years of yoga practice, I studied with a demanding and rigid teacher and noticed myself taking my yoga and my life much too seriously. During these five years, there was no loud rocking music of any kind in my classes. This is what I thought was “truthful” yoga. During this period of my own hardcore yoga, I thought I was seeing the truth. But in reality I was not seeing. Yoga's truth is joy. The point of yoga is expansion. Opening up to all of who we are and all that this lifetime has to offer.

When the ancient yogis laid down their philosophy, guidelines and techniques, the world was smaller. As our world expands, so does yoga. If you are really practicing yoga, you are looking inward and you are focused on yourself. You are not worred about what other people are doing. You are not concerned with whether it is “traditional” or “not.” Yoga is union. Sun and Moon, earth and sky, black and white, kirtan and kanye. These days you will find Adam Lambert's brilliant stripped down interpretation of “Mad World” playing in my Power Classes. It's all yoga and its all good.

Summer...It's a Staycation For Me

2009-05-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

This Memorial Day weekend Matthew and I packed up our family of five and our pop-up camper and drove to North Truro, Cape Cod for our annual camping trip. When we arrived at the campground it was unusually empty. This was surprising since last year during this same holiday weekend the campground was full with no vacancies. Another interesting observation was that the car trip there and back went unusually smooth. Last year it took us almost four hours just to get off of Cape Cod. This year it took us less than half of that time. We hit no traffic. Even our GPS was confused. Another sign of the times was that while visiting stores in P-Town we saw many of the usual tourists but noticed that no one was lined up at the cash registers.

OK, with the daily news of our country's economic woes, GM on the brink of bankrupcy, it's no surprise to see that people are scaling back. I am a perfect example. As a women who has done her share of retail therapy (especially on vacations) I have had to change my evil ways. These days everything, especially essentials, drain my bank account. For example, the day before we took off to Cape Cod it was necessary for us to get a hitch installed on our van to pull the camper. That set us back $360 bucks. Add two tanks of gas and four bags of groceries and I had to say “forget it” to any extra curricular shopping I might have done.

After experiencing the high cost of a simple camping vacation such as the one my family just took, I plan on staying home more this summer. Enjoy my family, friends, and that which is right in front of me- a back deck perfect for sharing a glass of wine, a newly mulched garden and a two year old who lives to run through sprinklers. I plan on exchanging any retail therapy for yoga therapy. Taking care of my mental and physical well-being is definitely one area of my life that I do not want to scale back.

It's promising, however, that so far this summer, people have not sacrificed their yoga. In fact, more people than ever are attending classes. In these challenging economic times-Why are so many of us doing yoga?

1. Because of tight finances, more and more of us are choosing to vacation at home. This gives us more time to keep up the routines that we need and love such as yoga. We keep up our yoga because we want to stay healthy, focused, relaxed and strong.

2. When difficult times fall upon us, it is more important than ever to take extra special care of ourselves. One of my students, who was recently let go from a computer job in Corporate America is at the studio practicing almost every day. She sees this as a positive coming out of a negative. She says that the yoga is boosting her ability to deal with uncertainty and is helping her to look and feel her best as she goes out on job interviews. In her own words, this is not the time to let herself go, sleep away the day, or gain twenty pounds.

3. Compare the cost of a yoga class (at approximately $10 to $16) to a day at the spa, a movie with popcorn, or happy hour with friends and yoga becomes a very affordable and healthy option.

4. Some of us practice yoga with a buddy. This way we’re more likely to stick to our wellness routines if we have a friend that is counting on us. In my yoga classes, I have several couples, mom and daughters and great friends who come to yoga and then grab dinner or tea afterwards to catch up. In our high tech and isolating world, face to face interaction beats hours on facebook or twitter any day.

5. We don't want to join a generation of everyday people who wear themselves out for a paycheck. We want to make living simple and spirituality a part of our daily lives instead of something we do only on Sunday. We don't want to live in perpetual exhaustion. If we realize that our modern lifestyle model that idealizes the modes of overstriving, forcing, rushing and making-life-happen aren't totally working for us, then yoga is a practice that can help us to reject society's craziness and give us other ways to survive and even thrive. A regular and balanced yoga practice (contains elements of both hard and soft, engagement and retreat) guides us to develop a more intuitive and grounded way to discern and sort out our life.

5. Yoga is perfect for difficult times since it is tough, tried, true, deep, modifiable, and life-transforming.

To me-no matter what the circumstances, yoga is so worth it! Even when my free time is precious. Even when my budget is tight. Through yoga we learn valuable lessons and techniques, especially how to be more alive, more self accepting and how to manage our stress. We learn how to manage our overall well-being. Above all, we learn how to be in the moment and how to cherish this life, even when its uncertain, stressful, or just plain frantic.

The Passing of Pattabhi Jois

2009-05-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

A great teacher sees his or her students as they truly are. This week, at the age of 94, the great Astanga teacher, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois died following a brief illness. His children report that he taught yoga in his shala up until last week. Jois was one of the great yoga figures of our time and was hugely influential in bringing Astanga, Power and Vinyasa Yoga to the West. He was a skillful, lively and passionate teacher who had the keen ability to see all of his students and teach them exactly what they needed to know in that moment. He met his students at their own level and inspired them to grow strong and steady in both body and mind. Jois stated over and over that a spiritual practice is just that. “99% practice and 1% theory.” Anything else will not serve the yogi.

I had the good fortune of taking a week of early morning Astanga yoga classes with Pattabhi Jois in New York City days following 9/11. For one full week, a few of us local dedicated yogis carpooled into the city. We left at four in the morning and got back into Hartford by lunchtime. I took this amazing yoga class with over two hundred others in the Puck Building. With our yoga mats in toe, we had to pass very close to Ground Zero to get to class. Yellow police tape was everywhere and the gray ash of the devastated Twin Towers floated in the air.

Pattabhi Jois was an unforgettable teacher. His presence was God like. He commanded the classroom like a king. In a room where hundreds of yoga mats were only inches apart, the intuitive and alive teachings of Pattabhi Jois inspired us to laugh, cry, and physically tremble. He opened up my spirit for a strong body and he also opened up my trust in our world to heal.

As a yoga student and yoga teacher, I was starstruck and fell into a hardcore daughter/father crush with Mr. Jois. As I practiced yoga before him, I prayed that I would do everything right so that I would not receive his disapproval. When he asked us to pop up into headstand without the use of a wall, I did. Before that moment, I had always used the crutch of the wall and did not believe I would ever be able to do a headstand without one. Going into headstand on my own for the first time without support is a yoga moment that will live in the memory of my body forever. I can still feel the butterflies.

After aweek of yoga with Mr. Jois as my teacher, my spirit was on fire. I was scheduled to open my very own yoga studio in Manchester the next day. I emerged from that life altering week full of gratitude and deep in my heart I knew that the whole world was one family. Some good meaning people questioned whether I should open my yoga studio so soon after 9/11. That maybe I should hold off on celebrating a new business when the world was still crying. After experiencing all of the love and kindness in New York City immediately following 9/11, I intuitively knew that opening a yoga studio in the aftermath was more necessary than ever.

The late Pattabhi Jois was a great teacher. A great teacher sees his or her students as they truly are. Following 9/11, Mr Jois saw us all as we were in that moment. Strong, resillient, capable of healing and full of lcompassion and love. His passing reminds me to silently acknowledge the many teachers (yogic and non-yogic) that have shaped my life. The teachers who saw you as you were and believed in your abilities and capacities even when you were unsure. A great teacher sparks your soul and brings that yearning for truth and spirit alive.

Since that fateful week in 2001, teaching yoga, fostering growth, compassion and awakening in others has become my life mission. No matter what age, color, culture, socioeconomic status or position in life, we all need to breathe and learn how to take care of our bodies, ease our minds and connect to the divinity that lives within each of us. Pattabhi Jois said, “Yoga cannot be owned. Yoga belongs to everybody.” I couldn't agree more. This yoga is for everyone.

Meet Yourself Right Where You Are

2009-05-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes at the beginning of my yoga classes I tell my students

"As you settle into your mats meet yourself where you are...right here...right now...in the sukha- the sweetness of this moment. No need to strive or try to be something other than you are. You are already radiant,perfect and whole."

It is an easy thing to come to the mat full of expectations that moments later turn into harsh criticism. Next time you move on to your mat leave those things behind and just abide in your own True Nature...already perfect and whole. Doing this on the mat helps us to recognize how often we move through our day setting up expectations for everything we do and then creating a hostile assault we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies if we don't meet our ideals. How easy could your yoga asana be, how sweet could each moment of your life be, if you just met yourself in each moment full of love and acceptance just as you are?

Dreams

2009-05-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Dreams are strange. Dreams are messages from inside. Dreams are healing. Last night I had a unsettling dream that a college age girl with autism came to my home and asked me to take care of her. I really wanted to care for her but in the end I had to ask her to go back home to her own mother. This morning I woke up and wrote the following poem:

The Stranger

I dreamed
a stranger lived here.
She broke in two
and glued her ear to the floor.

I dreamed
a stranger lived here
pale as white sky.
I had to hand her back
to the authorities
the ones she came from
who peel skin off my back
with sharp eyes.

Today
I cannot
take care of myself
let alone an angel
sent from god.

The judge bangs her gavel
Her eyes are kind.
She understands.
I think about killing her holiness
But I don't know if I could
live with final Good Byes.

I want to be that stranger-
let me shatter
and rearrange my parts
in unexpected ways.
I want to be teeth, hair,
blood and bone-
take my last breath
on doorways and windows
and the refrigerator door.

The stranger could care
less who sees her.
She knows that pieces
glued to the forgotten
will eventually die
and new holes
will allow her true light
to shine.

Corpse Pose- Faith or Fear?

2009-05-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

Many yogis find Sivasana (corpse pose) at the end of yoga practice to be the most challenging of all yoga poses. This was certainly the case with me during my first few years of practice. Resistance to corpse pose will show itself whenever I am out of balance. Doing too much. Frantic. Going and pleasing. Going and pleasing.

Our shared silent theme song could be:“Give us warrior ones and twos, lead us into salvation with hip openers, throw at us endless planks and backbends but please please don't ever make us lie on our backs and do nothing.” Why is this? Why is it unsettling to take a brief amount of time and do nothing? In our fourteen waking hours, why would five to ten minutes of doing absolutely nothing make us want to get up and run?

The only reason some of us don't leave the room is because we consider ourselves too polite. We wouldn't want the instructor to take it personally (Ha!) or what if our desire to flee might be viewed as some sort of character flaw, or even worse, a weakness.

I believe the reason for this difficult relationship with Sivasana is all about control. In yoga language the word yama has two definitions. The first is “control” and the second is “death.” I cannot accept this duality in definition as coincidence. The ancient yogis recognized that control and death are intertwined. They cannot be separated. Two sides of the same sheet of paper. What is the biggest thing we cannot control? Death. Let us control each and every moment and maybe then we can avoid our biggest fear.

We are a nation of stress junkies. We are used to operating on high levels of cortisol corroding our adrenal glands as we take on the world. If we fatigue we turn to quick energy such as caffeine and sugar. We deprive ourselves of sleep. We push on to do more. On the outside we are well put together. Our teeth our brushed, our shoes match our outfit and our make up is expertly applied. On the inside we are shaky. Secretly we know ourselves as imposter's fooling the world. We suspect that we could be unveiled at any moment.

We would have to live on another planet to not be aware of the benefits of relaxation in our hectic and stressful lives, yet silently we scoff at it. It is far easier and more seductive to be the task master of each moment. If we slow down, we have to let go of the illusion of being in control. If we slow down we would have to operate from the heart space of faith and trust as opposed to the mind space of ego and fear. We need to be in control or else what is there?

Wouldn't it make sense to fear asana (posture) practice more? What if the teacher asks us to explore the poses that scare us? The ones that we have yet to master or that we feel intense sensation in. Handstand or dolphin or frog? Whatever our personal blend of scary and uncomfortable pose is, most of us will still choose to stay with the practice. The reason for this is because in posture practice we are still the conductors of our bodies, breath and mind. We choose to stay present or let our minds wander. We choose to do the pose or rest, engage our core or not, reach our arms overhead or bring our hands to our heart. We choose whether we listen to the teacher's voice or focus on the music. In a yoga classroom, the teacher might be leading the practice but the individual yogi is still making all of his own choices. The yogi is still doing.

We are all still doing.

To stop doing is a practice. To stop doing means that we cannot "avoid" any longer. We live in loops of distraction. To be doing all the time, thinking about what could have been or what is going to happen next is a form of distraction. Patanjali call this avidya or ignorance. When we are still, as in sivasana, we can no longer avoid. We must confront whatever shows up and then allow it to pass on to die so that we can arrive and live fully in each moment. When we lie down in sivasana, we lie down with all parts of ourselves. We lie down with our repulsions and our attachments, both of which are sacred, both of which teach us about our patterns of how we live. By letting our thoughts arise and observing our patterns without pushing them aside, analyzing, accepting or rejecting- we allow for the categories of what we once labeled as unacceptable or intolerable to fall away. Observing our patterns of attraction and avoidance and where we are in relation to the present moment allows us to surrender to the feelings that we have been denying. This is what gives us space in body and mind. When one practices this way-there is space enough for everything.

A wise friend of mine said that she believes that there are only two places we can live from- faith or fear. Surrendering into corpse pose, if only briefly, is an act of faith. To totally surrender, there are no views, no conceptions, no thoughts, and no ideas. The world is seen without filters, modifications, interpretations, goals, and qualifications. In this space, corpse pose has no beginning or end and our awareness of time dissolves. There is nothing to be done. No doing. Thinking comes to a standstill and an intuitive knowing, rather than a rational understanding occurs.

If you are skeptical of corpse pose, the next time the teacher leads you there tell yourself any of the following statements. “For the next few minutes, I will allow myself to completely relax and let go. I will surrender. I will trust the process of life. I am open to the joys of living. I will have faith in myself. I will observe whatever comes up without analyzing or pushing the thoughts away. I will completely let go.” Pick the statement that feels the easiest and most truthful. Above all be compassionate to yourself. Always.

The aim of yoga practice in daily life is to live vividly from moment to moment without getting hung up about thinking or not-thinking. Wood floor, open window, blanket, cushion, t-shirt, wool socks – there is something profound right here. We are not trying to create an experience. We are making room for experience to happen. Experience, like the present moment, is always waiting for a place to happen. The architecture of savasana requires us to continually let the ground we are lying down on, literally the ground of our thoughts and our bodies, to fall away, until the constructs that frame our experience pass on. This is an act of both dying and being born. Our imagination makes us very busy exploring the world of choices. In the end, there will be no choice, just death. So in the center of your very human life, where you are always looking around for something better, notice how the present moment is just a small death away.

The Writer In Me

2009-05-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

“We can spend our whole lives fishing only to discover in the end it wasn't fish we were after.” -Thoreau

The barn is burned down now, I can see the moon.” -Masahide

This past weekend my fourth grade son was in a children's theater musical production with forty other kids ranging in ages from four to eighteen. I was blown away by their budding talent but struck even more by how uninhibited these kids were. Dancing, acting, and singing their hearts out. Not one kid appeared to be held back by fear or self doubt. I know that most of them, my son included, envision acting as a major part in the rest of their lives.

When I was in fourth grade I dreamed of being a writer. I also wanted to be an artist, actress, singer, mother and doctor of psychology. I remember writing my first short story for school. It began with a mother preparing a breakfast of bacon and eggs for a young girl while she lay in bed and let the comforting smells awaken her. (This is interesting to me because I have no memory of either of my parents cooking me breakfast. We were more of a cheerios type of family.) My teacher praised the writing for its descriptive language. I recall how satisfying it was to put words on paper and capture a moment that someone else could relate to, how good it felt to construct a universal connection and have something to say.

I want to become a writer before I die. This buried longing revealed its face when I resurrected the Samadhi newsletter one year ago but the truth is that the writer in me had been crying out for expression ever since I was that little girl in fourth grade. Every time my muse tried to emerge she had been forced back to the bottom of the ocean by perfectionism, denial and intense self criticism. I never believed that I could write anything worth reading. I have always been a good reader and am acutely aware of all the amazing writing that exists “out there.”

These days I call myself a writer even though I have not been published in anything more than local magazines. More significant than the label I give to myself is that I have given myself permission to let the muse flow and trust my written word. It might not be much but I have chosen to carve out one hour twice a week to devote to my dream. This is a realistic and compassionate chunk of time. Twice a week I must begin. Twice a week, no matter what, I must face the blank page. I must face the faceless and unknown. For the past year, every time I sat down and stared at the wide open page- I felt fear. “Do I actually have something worthwhile to say? I am not qualified. I am fake. I am doubt.” I consider getting up from my chair and do anything else; clean the crumbs from out of the toaster, polish my sunglasses, or paint my toes.

Conquering resistance is taking that first step out the door that confines you. It is taking that first step on the wooded path of your morning run or taking that first breath linked with reaching your arms up to the sky as you begin your Sun Salutations. Conquering resistance is saying no to the junk that clutters your path; fear, aversion, busyness or just plain sluggishness. My mind prefers that I never begin. It begs me to divert. Do something useful. My inner critic uses her bitchiest tongue, “Shouldn't you be switching a load of laundry right now instead of trying to be something your not? You are no Joan Didion, that is for sure.” Many times this voice is enough to choke my muse and I quit. I go do something else. That something else is anything but want my heart wants me to do. My heart wants me to put down some words-any words- on the blank page. My wisest self begs me quietly to pursue my dreams to live a big life. The life I really want. Not the life created by diminished belief or the expectation of others. I want to determine my own life. To write. To create. To live and love from my soul.

On my yoga mat, I know how to let my practice and my body unfold breath by breath. But getting started isn't always easy. When I first spread out my yoga mat, I have various reasons why I should just roll up my mat and go home. The room is too cold or too hot, some skinny chick took my usual spot, my nose is stuffy, my body is too stiff, too tired, or too fat. Oh and lets not forget that my yoga pants are falling down and I forgot my hair tie. Then I breathe. I take that first sacred and holy breath. Sometimes the first breath requires courage. Courage to stay and face my own self no matter what state my mood and body is in. For approximately one hour there is no place to go. No place to hide. I must live with the bare truth of who I am.

As I allow my first inhale to fill me and my first exhale to empty me; resistance, anxieties, judgment and fear begin to release their teeth. Soon my body is moving. Sometimes the first few movements feel like punishment but then something shifts and it all becomes easier. My muscles, bones, and connective tissue begin to warm up and respond. They open and receive whatever is coming next. My yoga mat becomes a friendlier place. My mind becomes clear and energized. My body becomes fluid and awake. Finally there is no judgment. I lose track of time.
When I am finished with my yoga practice, my body and mind feel glorious. I often ask, “Why do I resist something that clearly makes me feel so good?”

To begin to create what we truly want in life is like that first breath. We can be afraid of what will happen next. We can come up with many good reasons to delay. We are experts at making excuses and psyching ourselves out. Yet we can't let ourselves turn away-we must dive in. And when we do, it can be miserable if we don't let ourselves breathe and warm up. We need to give ourselves permission to take it slow, make mistakes, and have periods of self doubt.

Sometimes in our own lives we are the apprentice and sometimes we are the master. But no matter who we are, if we want to open up to our dreams, we must trudge onward. We must begin. We must be fearless examples to our own children and show them how to stay true to their hearts desire by staying true to our own. We must let ourselves be vulnerable and burn down the walls of perfectionism. We must believe in our own selves and sanctify time each week to put aside for our own dreams. No matter how small that chunk of time might be. We must take that first breath and plunge. This is how we sing and dance our own hearts out. This is how we flow.

When a Chocolate Chip Cookie Is Not Just A Cookie

2009-04-27T18:41:00.001-07:00

Last Saturday, after a long day of teaching yoga, feeling spent and vulnerable, and a lack of my own yoga practice, I found myself eating five chocolate chip cookies in a row. I was not hungry for food and was clearly undermining my own desire to take care of my body. I do not think that there is anything wrong with chocolate chip cookies except that for me- it can be awful. I will feel like crap; foggy, tired and scattered for at least a couple hours after eating this type of food. Not to mention that it will set me up to crave more of the same type of food. It is as if a part of my brain goes on stupid, unhappy and autopilot.

Last Saturday I ate five chocolate chip cookies in a row and so it began: the familiar war with food and my body was on. A place I have been many times before. It had been a while but still I recognized the familiar pull. A tug from my wild side. "Who cares?" "These taste so good." "Eat them." "No one will ever know." "You deserve this." "You will always be fat. Face up to that." The self talk got uglier by the moment.

Anybody who is familiar with using food or any other default strategy (shopping, gossiping, continuous lying or emotionaly outbursts, alcohol, drugs, constant busyness, etc.) to cope with uncomfortable feelings and emotions can relate. To think that the root of the struggle is with food or with my body is an illusion. An illusion that I can convince myself to believe.

The real problem is not with food. The real problem is not with my body. The real problem is with the belief that happiness lies only around the next corner, the next accomplishment. As a person who has yet to fully accept myself the "way I am," I am either trying to squeeze into a narrow and tight version of acceptable behavior or I am rebelling against everything that constricts me. Even if I get thin and stay thin for the next fifty years, I will still be afraid of not staying thin and I will spend my life swinging from one extreme to another. When we want to be different than who we are, when we think we are never good enough, we will never know who we are and we will never leave ourselves alone.

The ability for yoga to be my objective and gentle teacher and show me how to heal from a lifelong struggle with self acceptance is why I practice yoga, teach yoga, and opened a yoga studio in the first place. The real work of yoga is the real work of life. The real work is to disidentify from self-images that were formed a lifetime ago and from which we still construct our daily lives. The real work is to allow ourselves to be who we already are and to have what we already have. The real work is to be passionate, holy, wild, irreverent. To laugh and cry until you wake up to the amazing person that you are, right now in this moment.

The question is how do we do the work? How do we dream our own lives into being when we have spent most of our lives wanting to be different than who we are?

Yoga teaches how to be in this exact moment. As we hold challenging poses, we ask ourselves to think less about what we are supposed to be doing and more about what is actually happening. By being present with each moment of our lives exactly as it is, we learn that the more time we spend constructing parallel lives, the less energy we have for our present lives.

Yoga teaches how to feel, millimeter by millimeter and with support. The support is always there in the form of self observation without judgment. This is the muscle we learn to strengthen. Once we allow ourselves to feel our feelings fully and with complete compassion, then we begin to move through all situations in our life with grace. To feel sorrow, abandonment, disappointment and even hopelessness-we begin to understand what so much of our frantic activity is trying to cover up.

Yoga asks us to constantly inquire into our experience: Does getting what we want take away the discomfort of wanting? If I achieve headstand, am I still left with wanting something else? Is longing replaced by another and then another?

Yoga teaches to honor the longing to have a big life, which can either translate into the longing to have someone else's life or the longing to have the life you would already have if you were not constantly diminishing yourself.

Yoga teaches that behind every addiction is the burning question: What is enough?

Yoga shows us that no feeling is final.

Finally, we cannot understand or move through what we refuse to examine. It's not until we admit we are lost that there is even a possibility of discovering a new way.

After I ate the five cookies, I found myself wanting to eat at least five more. I moved into panic and then disgust. It was at this point that I got real. I got grounded. I took a deep breath, practiced restraint with the cookies and recognized that the cookies are not the bad guys, I am not the bad guy. My longing is not the bad guy. The bad guy is when we forget the qualities that exist inside all of us. When we cut ourself off from courage, strength, joy, will, compassion, and love. But you know, we cannot teach these qualities. We know these things only by remembering them. This is the sweetest gift that we can give to ourself and to others. When we remember who we are, then we no longer have to try to be someone else.

I covered the remaining cookies and left them for my family. It was then that I put some water on to boil on the stove for tea. Hot tea was what I really craved. Something warm and nourishing. As the kettle whistled, I realized that true nourishment existed all along. We all have true nourishment. We are the true nourishment we have been searching for.

Yoga and Worship

2009-04-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is.I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,which is what I have been doing all day.Tell me, what else should I have done?Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

-Mary Oliver From A Summer's Day

One of the biggest surprises during my past 12 years of coming to know yoga is that yoga has slowly became my path for worship. According to Dictionary. Com, the word "worship" can be defined as "to feel an adoring reverence or regard for..." Let me preface this by quoting Swami J and I must fess up that I know nothing else about Swami J except that I stumbled upon some quotes of his while surfing the Internet. Still...I liked what he had to say. "There is no religion in yoga but there is yoga in some religions." So I am not speaking dogma here but I believe I am speaking a truth that I have experienced and continue to directly know through my practice of yoga.

I first discovered yoga at my Unitarian Universalist Church. What started out as the need to have a single two hour period to myself each week to reconnect with who I might be beyond my all encompassing role as a mother to a newborn baby girl turned into a blown out love affair. What began as forcing myself out my front door became a gentle entry into getting to know myself better than any therapy or self help book had ever done. It only took a few short weeks and I began to look forward to rolling out my yoga mat on the hardwood floor. The late afternoon sun would display it's glory through the floor to ceiling main window above the alter shining in chinks and patterns that gently played upon my body as I surrendered into forward folds, child poses, knee down twists and eventually corpse pose. I was quieted and soothed by my yoga instructor's English accent and his Ujjayi breath. When I closed my eyes I heard only the ocean- loud and rhythmic, ever present, dependable, and complete.

It was in that familiar room of reverence that I learned how to really breathe. Not the shallow breath that I had unknowingly come to embody; a shallow breath that is all too familiar to most Americans. a limited way of breathing that is encouraged by our stress producing yet sedentary culture. Like most of us, I spent many hours of each day sitting at my desk and computer, behind the wheel of my car, and sometimes in front of my television. I also spent many hours of each day obsessing on things that created angst such as piles of unopened bills, difficult relationships and appearances. My tendencies of body and mind had created a slumped position with rounded spine-physically and mentally. Making it almost impossible to fill the lungs with sufficient breath. Like Tinker Bell needed the infusion of children's faith to bring back her vitality and make her light shine, we too need infusions. Yoga recognizes that the breath is a major pathway for bringing dynamic energy into our bodies. Retraining ourselves to breathe deeply can have many gifts including renewed energy and a healing effect.

Twelve years ago I had to relearn how to breathe. Only when I could sufficiently take a deep breath could I learn how to be present for each moment. To be truly happy one must directly know how to be with what is in each moment of our lives. A lack of trust in the process of life and a need for perfection leads to disappointment over the past and a hard knuckled grip on the present in a unrealistic attempt to control one's future. For me, learning to truly accept each moment as it comes was another one of yoga's life lessons. We need little else--praise, material possessions, status, etc.- when we are directly in touch with life in each moment.

To this day, contentment is still slippery. A lifetime of negative thinking and never feeling good enough is a difficult thing to undo. Consider a seed in a crack of a pavement that grew into a tree that tore up the sidewalk. It is difficult to remove such a tree but my yoga teaches me that it can be done. The tree's roots begin to shrink in a brief and fantastic moment of self awareness combined with an intention of observation from a place of compassion and self-acceptance. This is what I need to bring with me to the mat when I practice. This is what I need to bring into everything I do.

The laws of yoga teach that our thoughts are the seeds of our actions and ultimately of our own future. What happens to us by events, nature and others can hurt us deeply but how we react and process these moments of our lives are what ultimately creates our own suffering or happiness. It is up to us whether our reality is harmful or healing. How we interpret and how we attach to situations in our lives all serve to create the amount of energy we give to events, things and others. When we come to understand that we ourselves are responsible for what happens to us, whether or not we can understand how, then it follows that we can change what happens to us by changing ourselves. We can take our own destiny into our own hands.

To be in the moment is the practice of contentment or santosha. Maybe this is why I feel that my yoga practice is an act of worship. A way to open up wide to the gifts of the universe, to connectedness, and maybe even to god. In the practice of santosha we get to decide that in this very moment we will be contented no matter what storms are threatening. As an adult, I have come to learn that there will always be storms. None of us can escape this. If we wait for things to become as we demand them to be in order to be satisfied, we will always be waiting.

Contentment can be enjoyed in small bites. On the worst of days, it is possible to pause and look at the world through the eyes of a child if only for a moment. See the sky, hear a bird, get lost in a loved one's face. We can say, "For this tiny moment, I choose to be content." Begin to look for these moments. The more you seek out contentment, the more it will show itself, the more you will worship life- especially your own life. The more you will feel an adoring reverence and regard for everything

Josh

2009-04-02T14:44:00.000-07:00

A year ago this April, my sister's 17 year old son Josh was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. What began as a limp, while vacationing in Disney World, stemming from a pain in his right hip with no explainable cause, turned into full blown cancer within a few short weeks. What began as a visit to Josh's regular pediatrician turned into a visit to an orthopedist, then a neurologist and then a pediatric cancer specialist. X-Rays revealed lesions throughout his hips and his spine. Josh was put in a wheelchair. He was not allowed to bear his own weight. His bones were pronounced "moth eaten" from his countless tumors. All within the span of seven days.

The next week was full of MRI's, bone scans and pet scans. A port was put into his chest even though there was not yet a diagnosis. A bone marrow biopsy was performed. The good doctors of Connecticut Children's Medical Center pronounced it cancer. They just did not yet know what kind. They sent his test results to a major cancer center to determine the type. Josh waited. My sister waited. My parents flew in from Arizona and they waited. We were all full of dread and fear. We cried and hugged a lot.

Three weeks from the first doctor's visit a diagnosis was given- Stage Four Non-Hodgkin's Type Lymphoma. There was no way to wake up from this cruel nightmare. Josh's cancer was systemic. Although it was not in his lymph, it was seemingly every where else; hips, spine, ribs, lungs, bone marrow and even a spot on his heart. Josh's cancer was harsh and completely debilitating but we were told by some of the best pediatric oncologists in the world to hang in there,be tough, and have faith. It was curable. Maybe.

Ruthless and aggressive chemotherapy began. Last spring and summer, Josh had over 21 lumbar punctures (injections) into his spine. He immediately was withdrawn from his junior year of high school, bound to a wheel chair, and summoned to the cancer floor of a pediatric hospital. While his peers took their final exams at school, he lost all of his prized blond hair on his pillow, developed mouth sores that prevented him from speaking (forget about eating) and was nauseas most hours of the day.

We all felt that the cancer "sucked" and that it was totally unfair. We even wore pins that said "Cancer Sucks." Not Josh. Throughout the chemotherapy, Josh never complained or expressed feeling sorry for himself. Not once. Even when he couldn't close his mouth all the way because of sores that started in his mouth and ran throughout his entire digestive tract.. When Josh did speak about his illness, it was gentle and kind and usually something along the lines of "Don't worry about me. I can handle this. I am OK."

Josh is a sensitive kid and loves babies. This was made even more evident during this difficult time. He always had a smile and a high five for my Sadie. His two-year old twin siblings Danny and Maeve worship him and were like two puppies clamoring for his attention. My sister would often say that for Josh babies were the equivalent of "therapy dogs."

My sister showed me what it is to be a "Momma Warrior." Privately she was scared out of her mind and let out her own pain and vulnerability with those she was closest too but publicly she showed only strength. She did not fall apart. She got up every morning and did what she had to do. She watched her oldest child go through unbearable pain and face the unknown and she stayed right by his side- a calming presence. She did not waiver. If Josh could bear it then so would she.

Every day my sister had to entrust her two year old twins into the care of family and friends while she spent as many waking hours as possible by Josh's side. Between Josh's two parents, he was never left at the hospital alone. They slept under fluorescent lights, on blow-up mattresses and fell asleep each night to the random beeps of an IV filled with Methotrexate dripping its essential poison into Josh's veins.

It is one year later and Josh is completely cancer free. His port is being removed from his chest today. A simple operation. A major milestone. Our hearts are no longer broken. For now, our grief seems far away. Many times over the past year I have caught myself wondering what it would be like to face death. To look into the eyes of the tiger and not know if it was going to eat me.

Today my immediate difficulties seem small compared to our fear last April of losing our beloved Josh. These days I have anxiety about getting enough revenue to flow into our studios during a scary economy. I strive for balance and self-acceptance.

A valuable tool to help me deal with what is beyond my control is the teachings of one of my own yoga teachers, Yoganand (Michael Carroll.) He says that no matter who you are- how successful, educated, beautiful, thin, rich, popular, or healthy, that our biggest fear is our own death That is why we work so hard to define ourselves. To give meaning to our lives. Meaning could be a family, job, volunteer work, education, material things etc. We surround ourselves with our own importance and then we feel more secure in the fact that we cannot die. We are too busy or too important to die. We have too much going on for the business of dying.

During Josh's illness, my father said to me that we are all dying. "Each one of us is dying a little bit every day," I am a yoga teacher by profession and yoga is my spiritual path. My yoga mat can sometimes feel like a raft that I cannot let go of. Other times it feels like my magic carpet setting my heart and soul free to fly. My yoga mat is sometimes my prison and sometimes my church.

Today as I practice in the silence of early morning and take a moment to honor Josh's remarkable journey with cancer, it occurs to me once again that if we all could bare to face up to the fact that each one of us is going to die, acknowledge that each day we all get one step closer to our own death, that once we accept this, then we can know true peace of mind and obtain freedom from our own self imposed suffering. We can let go of our need to control everything and all of it. Thinking we are "separate" and special is a disease that leads to suffering. We learn instead that we are connected to everyone and everything. We are a part of all life has to offer. We are a part of all beauty and joy. We are also a part of all sadness and suffering. When we understand this union with everything than we can take in love and fully occupy our place in the world.

When I look back to last year and recall how my seventeen year old nephew faced something so difficult and scary as cancer with courage and compassion, I am reminded of what is important. To live in fear is to live a wasted life. The best we can do is to love ourselves and each other, take courage from that, and live each day with enthusiasm.

Time For Me

2009-04-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

This week I reaped the rewards of being an owner of a yoga studio. Instead of constantly concerning myself with the current recession and how to creatively keep my business thriving, I was able to leave all that aside. For almost a full week. Instead of changing diapers, picking up the relentless clutter and for countless hours drive my older kids all over town, I got to roll out my own yoga mat and train. For the unheard of length of five days, I got to practice yoga for almost eight hours each day at an advanced yoga workshop. One of the best parts was that it all took place in my own studio.

At this stage in my life, the ability to take a yoga workshop is an extreme luxury. When I get together with other yoga studio owners, I hear all about the fantastic trainings they are pursuing. I hear about yoga in Maya Tulum, week long detoxes at yoga spas, and studying with big name teachers. When they begin to tell me about their newest training endeavor, I am always polite. I ask questions. I nod my head in approval. I look at my peers and I smile. I am outwardly supportive but inside I seethe, just a little. You see, I want it all- to be a present mother, successful studio owner, inspiring teacher, caring and compassionate wife and friend. I want to do every amazing training out there. But I can't. Financially, emotionally and time wise-it is just not gonna happen for me right now. I am already maxed out in what I can and cannot do. From past experience, I know that if I take on anymore there will be ragged edges and the possibility of burn out looming large.

In recent years I have learned that I have to say no. Make choices. Honor what I need but also shelf some things (such as consistent and regular yoga training) for later. In my limited world I have seen the harsh results of trying to do it all. I have seen the failure of marriages between some of my oldest and dearest friends. I have seen how rapidly my friend's children have grown up. I understand in my heart and head how precious this time is with my family. I am aware that one day I will have to check with my children's schedules to see if they have time for me. I don't want to miss out. I don't want to forget.

Instead of forgetting, my experience with yoga this week allowed me to remember. I got to remember who I am, underneath all of my self imposed chatter and seep myself with compassion even when every muscle in my body was burning. I got to bring my focus inside. I got to have no expectations. I notice that I am much better at letting go of expectation on my yoga mat then in my daily life. This practice of letting go of expectation is truly radical and unfamiliar to most of us. To break that connection, to see impulses and thoughts arise and not act on them, not label them as real or unreal, but simply to observe them-this is how to turn off your auto-pilot. This is the beginning of developing “witness consciousness,” creating transformation and honestly taking control of your life.

This yoga workshop was physically demanding and I came up against difficult sensations and my own resistance over and over again. I watched stories about my yoga ability and my body play out. It was not always pretty.

As my hips began to open after five days of fire hydrants and cow's face pose, I realized that it was my sense of self that opened the most. I observed the patterns of thoughts that showed up like a relentless dictator. I watched my “wild child” side as she begged me to bail out. Yoga is designed to create a churning and so I was. On every level. I couldn't come up with a default strategy such as making myself busy to avoid what I was feeling. There was nowhere for me to go. No job to do, no child to take care of, no cupboard to stand in front of. I had to stay on my mat and watch. This was hard work! I noticed that I have developed a self-image, a complex system of values, a concept of my world with certain patterns of behavior and thoughts. In short, I have created a movie, cast myself as the star and am spending the majority of my life acting out the script.

Isn't it interesting how we invent ourselves and then we are imprisoned by our choices? We think we are in control of our life, that we are making our own choices, when in reality the choices are being made for us by our own movie script. This is a form of bondage. In yoga language, this is “avidya” or self-ignorance. The gift of yoga is that it begins to thin this veil of illusion. It thins this veil of illusion and requires that we do so from the right action of compassion.

My yoga teaches me that it is only from a space of loving compassion that we can see our patterns, our automatic responses that previously existed below the level of consciousness, and it is in that moment that we are given the opportunity to be freed. This week I was able to get quiet and start looking at my own tiresome and destructive patterns and was able to stay present and be fearless in my inquiry. I got to hear the cries of my own heart and by becoming a loving witness, I felt as if I could hear the cries of the world.

After five days, I emerged off of my yoga mat renewed and saw unlimited potential in clearing away the self-imposed patterns that imprison me. On the yoga mat, there are no mysteries and life is one big wonderful mystery. All of this at the same time. All of this in the same moment.
Like most of us, I am continuously trying to find balance. For me it is the balance between between being a mother to three, running two yoga studios and finding precious and quiet time for myself. This week I got to create a five day island of peace in the midst of chaos. A time in my life where the demands seem constant and there is hardly a moment when I am not bombarded with stimulation. I got to take off my “social” mask, my “professional” mask and my “mommy” mask and go on an inward expedition. I got to investigate. I got to stand in the fire. I got to surrender in silence. I got to pause. I got to breathe.

Passion

2009-03-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

This week I have been struck by passion. Not my own passion. Well not at first anyways. This week I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by the passion of others and I have to say that it has impacted me in unexpected and thoughtful ways.

My wake up to passion started last Thursday when I went to pick up Sadie, my beloved and busy two year old, from her new in-home daycare. As I let myself in through the back door, I was immediately greeted by one of Sadie's little friends whom I had yet to meet. She was a beautiful 3 year old girl with long dark hair, big brown eyes and pink and white striped tights. As I met her smile with my own, Sadie came whipping around the corner with her little fists planted on her hips. "NO!!!," my own daughter shouted to the little girl with pink and white tights, "That is MY MOMMY!!" She looked directly at the girl and for a moment I believe that Sadie contemplated pushing her to the ground. Instead she ran into my arms and gave me a big hug. In that instant, she was all mine. I was all hers. There was nothing else.

OK, so maybe there are some lessons for Sadie to learn (in due time) about sharing, but even with that said, I felt my heart open up wide to my youngest daughter and how fierce her love is. It allowed me to think about my own love for others and this encounter prompted me to ask myself if I let my love for those closest to me to reveal itself so open and wide and without restraint?

My second encounter with the passion of others was also a surprise. Friday night I went out to a local pub to see my husband Matthew and his band, 3 Bean Soup, play. These guys were truly incredible and they played all of their songs with a sense of freshness and aliveness. They were playing a variety of old favorites such as Beatles, U2, and Crosby Stills and Nash. Even though the songs were not new, there was something very current about the way they sounded.

As I watched my husband vibrate with energy as he belted out "You can't always get what you want...," by the Rolling Stones, I thought about how tired he had been earlier in the day from a full work week as a programmer and yoga teacher. I also knew that he had been up in the early hours of the night before with a crying baby and had watched Sesame Street with her at 2am. None of that tiredness or ragged edge was evident as I watched his band play. Even though it was close to midnight, these guys were hitting the mark. They were on fire. The crowd was loving it. They were loving it. Again it struck me. Passion. It is contagious to be in the presence of a person who has it.

Passion is compelling and powerful emotion. It can be the best aspects of the human heart. We all have it. It is just that sometimes we feel cut off from it. Maybe the mundane duties of navigating through the responsibilities of our lives sever our connection to such a depth of feeling. Maybe we are scared to truly unleash our potential, unaccustomed to such fierceness and intensity.

When I was confronted with the passions of those I love, it made me want to wake up my own passion. I felt a glimpse of "awakening" in my own being and wanted to follow that spark. The passion of those around me made me ask my own self, " What am I doing in my life right now to ignite my own internal fire?"

As a yogi, I am always rediscovering and studying what it is like to be a human being. I am sometimes painfully aware that I only inhabit a small part of my life. Aren't we all a little like this? We meander through our life, almost as if asleep, separated from our deepest sources of energy, intelligence or creativity. However, the beauty of the message I received from the discovery of passion in others was that I can re spark my own love for my life at any time. Nobody else can do that for me and I don't need to wait for anyone or anything. I don't need to become a better yoga teacher, lose five pounds or have the laundry complete. I can begin to inhabit my life more fully at any moment and in any situation.

The intense emotion and burning that I saw in others this week was an unexpected gift. It made me go to my yoga with mat with a newness and a sense of inquiry into who I am. I must admit I still do not know the answer. But isn't there beauty in uncertainty?

I do believe it is in these little moments of waking up that brings us to yoga. Yoga begins when we become ready to meet ourselves and claim our lives to the fullest potential. Yoga begins when we set out on our own personal journey to reunite with who we truly are. It doesn't matter if we ever arrive at our imagined destination or find a rainbow ending. All that matters is the journey. We just need to take it.

My Yoga Muse Has A Lot To Say

2008-07-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am a 42 year old mother, wife, studio owner and yogi but if somebody really wanted to get to know me it would be most immediate to climb inside my head while I am practicing yoga. First of all, I love yoga. I teach yoga, I teach teachers how to teach yoga. I write about yoga. I talk about yoga and I practice yoga. Every day that I can, I practice yoga. Sometimes soft and sometimes hard. Right now, at the point of life I am in with two yoga studios, three children (one who is young enough that she still does not sleep through the night, one that is currently obsessed with The Beatles and WOW, a totally addictive computer game, and one that is a stunning preteen totally unaware of her brilliance and beauty), two cats, two parents who live underneath me in an in-law apartment and a husband who is pouring himself into his own business to make it fly, I usually choose the hard. The sweat is merciful and the intensity is what my body and mind needs to release its bitchiness, woes, and sorrows.

After a hot and demanding yoga class complete with hundreds of downward facing dogs, plank poses, wheels and handstands, I finally begin to dissolve my relentless mind and let my body and all of its stories and misunderstandings melt onto the floor. It is only then, in my own personal puddle of sweat, that I begin to understand who I am and what I am clinging to. Isn't it ironic that clarity and softness comes to me in a room heated to 90 degrees after an hour or so of my body and mind stretching, reaching, breathing, folding, arching, jumping, trusting, opening and closing?

One of the biggest wake up calls I got at the end of a yoga class was when I heard the teacher say, “We all create our own suffering.” I create my own suffering? What kind of new age simplified concept is that? And yet when I heard him speak these words while I laid on the floor completely chilled out in corpse pose, I felt a familiar tingle in my belly. I felt an immediate reaction to truth and I knew my teacher's words were right on. Suffering is not something that is done to me by others or by circumstance but rather suffering is my own creation. I can choose how to be in every situation in my life. I can choose to be fine with the fact that today I must pick the discarded cheesy macaroni up off the floor under my daughter's high chair, that I must empty the overflowing cat box, and face a mountain of laundry. Today I can anticipate getting into and driving my own car that I make a hefty payment on each month and recoil as it's interior glares at me with too many empty water bottles, strewn pennies and papers, and various elements of my children such as mismatched flip flops, lollipop sticks, coloring books, topless magic markers, and the remains of a melted cookie baking inside the black fabric of Sadie's car seat. Today I can go into bitterness and resentment as I realize that, yet again, I am too busy to clean up something as basic and necessary to my own life as my car.

I can choose to whine and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to be present in every situation of my life. Being present for daily life does not consist of judging but is instead made up of slowing down and listening. Listening to myself, listening to the cues of my environment, listening to my loved ones and listening to others. Not reacting. Not going into automatic pilot. I can analyze, discern, slice and dice every moment and try to determine how everything and everyone is going to impact me. What kind of deal, good or bad, will I get out of this situation and what will others think of me? What will my yoga students think of me if they catch a glimpse inside my messy car in the parking lot of my studio? What will strangers in the supermarket parking lot think of me if they happen to glance through windows smeared with my toddlers finger prints? I can choose to go into dread and shame or I can choose to not prejudge each situation that comes my way and just go with it.

I can drive my car today, put the sun roof down and the sunglasses on and get where I need to go. I can enjoy the humming and singing of my three children to The Beatles “Hey Jude.” I can take in the feisty spirit of my one year old as she smiles at me with one dimple when I look at her through my rear view mirror and immediately blows a spit bubble to make her nine year old brother laugh. I can also take in that my emo preteen daughter still looks forward to running errands with me and talking about life in-between the text messages that are coming and going, fast and furious underneath her nail bitten fingers.

If I take a moment to slow down and let my immediate reaction of loathing for myself and my messy car dissipate, I take a deep breath and begin to know the truth. The truth is not dramatic but it is beautiful in its own simple way. The truth is that my car will get picked up when I have the time. The truth is that when I pick it up it will be on a day when I actually have the time to do so and I will not feel rage or resentment inside, only pleasure and satisfaction as I take on the task.

The other truth is that my Honda will get messy again. Yoga teaches us that life goes on. Trying to control life is like harnessing a lightening bolt.

Yoga and Security

2008-05-20T12:37:00.001-07:00

Are there any guarantees in life? Can yoga guarantee us feelings of safety or security? What would being safe and secure and at home within my body and to have a secure sense of who I am feel like? These are the questions I asked myself in my yoga practice this week after I found myself come face to face with my fears both small and large. Today I write about security. This does not surprise me, especially with the recent news of my nephew being diagnosed with cancer, that I am questioning what is safety, what is security and what does it feel like or look like? Is it ever really attainable?

Lately I have been feeling secure about myself as a yogi, yoga teacher and studio owner. This feeling of self assurance is newer to me and to allow myself to acknowledge and feel “safe” about my own accomplishments is a huge step up the self growth ladder. It has taken years for me to deprogram my belief system that anything I have obtained from my own hard work could be lost in a moment. It has taken me a lifetime to believe that I am worthy and deserving of success. When I talk about this with students, I know I am not alone. Like many women, I am also a person who struggles with self judging and criticism; keenly aware of my areas where I could grow and improve. Through my 10 years of yoga practice, I have learned to see my self-imposed obstacles or “stuck” places as areas of fascination as opposed to faults.

Last week I was feeling safe with the certainty that my small yoga business was thriving and more importantly, providing authentic, satisfying, and meaningful yoga to its clients,when Dawn and I decided to go to Starbucks for a latte so that we could brainstorm our 10 days of Power Yoga classes. We don't usually go “outside the Samadhi building” for our creative process so this was highly unusual.

Anyways, at around 10:30am on a Thursday morning, I found myself content and well settled into an overstuffed dark green chair with my black notebook opened up in front of me. Dawn was sitting in an identical chair in front of me. Our lattes sat half empty on the small coffee table between us. The Starbucks was devoid of customers except for us and we were immersed in our planning session when I felt a strange but familiar feeling wash over me. The recognizable feeling showed up in my belly as a gnawing in my stomach lining and at my confidence. Suddenly my latte was battery acid inside of me. Inadequacy spread through my bones and a flush rose to my face. In that one instant, I was aware that my hair was unwashed and that there was white fur from my cat clinging to the cuffs of my black yoga pants. I felt dirty, tiny, enormous and insignificant all at the same time.

I am embarrassed to say who or what provoked such a strong response of inadequacy and shame in me but I would not be me if I kept it inside. As a yogi whose yoga practice is not only a physical practice but a spiritual practice, whose yoga is a way of life that contributes to me trusting that I can open and be loving and compassionate to myself and others, I believe that all of my experiences are opportunities for awareness. Yoga is an awareness practice. It teaches us how to react appropriately in each situation. We may not always react in the way that has the most grace but we keep trying, over and over again, until we don't have to try anymore. I am not quite there.

What caused this momentary (ok- I admit I was out of sorts for half a day) lapse into feeling small and inadequate and unsafe in my world. It was the unexpected appearance of the owner of a nearby yoga studio breezing into the tiny coffee shop with some of her friends. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal and it really isn't. She is simply another human being running a yoga business- just like me. She's got her strengths and weaknesses- just like me. I will assume she does her job well-just like me and I know that she appeals to a slightly different yoga client. There is no reason why we cannot operate nearby one another. We do operate near one another. Without any problems. So why did I feel inadequate? Why did I feel exposed and unsafe? Why was my security about my identity as a yoga teacher and business women temporarily altered?

The owner of the other studio never did look my way and I wasn't sure how I would react if she did. I don't want to suggest that there is anything deviant about the other yoga studio owner. She is a well deserving, hard working, successful yoga teacher. This is not about her. Being a business women, I fully understand that competition is part of the package and that it can and should be healthy. Nor do I think that it is desirable for any yoga studio to monopolize all the yoga. To feel safe and secure is to believe that “there is enough to go around.” I am content with my studio just the way it is right now. I am open to my yoga business evolving and growing but I am also of the belief system that where my business is in this moment is exactly where it needs to be.

We left the Starbucks about a ½ hour after her arrival. She was still there with her friends and it was weird that we never even acknowledged each other. When Dawn and I got out into the parking lot, I was the lion in the Wizard of Oz before he got his badge of courage but I am also going to be gentle on myself and will go out of my way to say “hi” to this person the next time the situation presents itself. I am thankful to report that once I removed myself from the discomfort of the “sighting,” I gained some clarity. When I brought up the scenario to my partner, he asked me why I did not feel secure about myself an who I am?

Security. I looked it up in the dictionary. It has a few different meanings and they all fascinate me and apply to my life in this moment. Who can claim that they have not felt insecure? Whether we feel insecure around our appearances, our relationships, our status, our jobs, our parenting, etc. Somewhere and at some time in each of our lives we have all questioned our own sense of being secure with what is. Yoga teacher, Michael Caroll (Yoganand) teaches that we all ultimately fear of our own death. In order to avoid thinking about our own death, we spend a great deal of time making ourselves important with our identities and accomplishments,etc. so that we can believe we are too busy or needed or important to die.

Security: to feel safety and assurance. To secure is to anchor or fix. To be secure with one's self is to be self assured. To secure something is to guarantee it.

With the recent news of my nephew facing the uncertain as he undergoes a ravishing yet lifesaving chemotherapy; my family and I have been forced to be with the truth that there are no guarantees in this life about anything. My nephew's prognosis is positive. His type of lymphoma is curable but the road to that cure will be most likely filled with pain. The Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh elegantly states in his Five Truths: There is no escaping pain, getting sick or growing old. There is no escaping separation from our loved ones. There is no escaping death. The only thing we can be sure of is change. Can I take comfort in these words?

I am learning through my yoga that when life is full of pain or loss or sorrow, our most challenging practice becomes baring that truth. We have to hold our own pain and the pain of others softly in our hearts, keeping our hearts open, positive, and loving.

In light of recent circumstances, it is no mystery to me now that I reacted the way I did to the situation at Starbucks. For three weeks I have been unknowingly questioning security at the deepest level. It is terrifying to think that someone I love so dearly cannot escape pain or loss. I have been aware of my shattered security somewhere deep inside of me yet each day is a new day and I keep myself busy, help out my sister in any way I can and try not to think about that which I cannot control. As a coping strategy, this worked for a while but that which we hold down will eventually reveal itself and usually in some unexpected way. There is a yoga saying that goes something like this, “If the universe is trying to get your attention, at first it will just tug at your arm. Next it will tug at your legs. If you don't acknowledge the universe's calling out to you, eventually it will throw you off the bus.”

At Starbucks, the universe tugged at my arm. I was being called to examine my security with my self and with this precious world. To examine the truth about safety and security and to find my own solace, I turned to my yoga practice. I asked myself what is it that I need to feel secure in my body. I have been called to define my own definition of security. I have decided that to feel secure is to feel at home. To be at home means to feel safe and to be in a community that cares. In other words, to be secure is to feel safe in my surroundings and to be loved.

In each “asana” or pose I practiced this week, I asked myself, “What is safety and What is security?” As I intuitively explored pose after pose, I observed how I was drawn to forward folds. This comes as no surprise as forward folds have an emotional quality of feeling safe and cared for. In“paschimottanasana” or seated forward fold, I would tell myself that “I am safe.” and “ I am sound.” In “bahda konasana” or bound angle, I made the discovery that softness deserves a space inside my existence alongside my strength.

I was also drawn to balancing poses, both the standing balance poses such as Warrior 3 and the arm balance poses such as Handstand. My need for these poses did surprise me, because these are poses where I could ultimately falter or fall out of, but when I let myself really stay in each balance pose, I began to understand why I sought them out. Underneath the vulnerability, the hesitation and the doubt of mastering the pose, I observed each sensation, let my truth be absorbed into each inhale and exhale, and when I finally allowed that to happen, I felt strong and steady. As I anchored my hands or my feet to the mat, I felt that I could handle anything that life will present to me.

“I can handle anything that life will present to me.” Those are the words I needed to hear.

05/12/08

2008-05-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

During challenging times, I turn to my yoga practice and it calms me and reassures me that I am going to be ok and have the resolve and patience I need to get through each interaction I have with others and myself.

Recently I have been feeling grounded and present in Mountain Pose. In the midst of chaos, I am able to access stillness and a sense of knowing that every thing is all ready "ok." Here is a poem I wrote that captures how I feel lately when I practice :

There is a city within my body
complete with noises,
angry motorists,
busy pedestrians,
smog,
violence,
poverty.

But
this city is humanity
in both its dark and light forms,
in it's day and night,
its outside and inside
sometimes softened
by the night air
where stars shine down
on me.

Come city
lift up your chin
and gaze upward
knowing that you too
have the same stars
singing.

The city never sleeps.

Sincerely,

Anne Falkowski

05/08/08

2008-05-20T12:34:00.002-07:00

Each morning on my early morning run, I consider myself one of the fortunate to be out in nature before most of the world is even awake and I almost always breathe a sense of relief and gratitude for my time alone with my self and with nature. Last Thursday, I noticed that everything was blossoming and temperatures were on the rise. This is the time of year that I usually feel renewed and a sense of hope. Last Thursday, hope and renewal were hidden behind the face of sadness and fear.

This past week my family has been facing difficult and heart wrenching times as one of my nephews was diagnosed with lymphoma that is both aggressive and rampant in his bones and marrow. The lymphoma seemed to have developed overnight. The good news is that we have come together as a family to support him and his parents in every way. The best news is that the doctors believe that this is curable. But the treatment is painful with intense chemo beginning for my nephew on Monday.

Last week before we knew all the facts, my mind had spiraled into a scary place, thinking the worse and with each hour, I could feel despair growing like a weed inside of me. Last week, during one of my panic stricken moments, my good friend, who is not a yoga person but is a cancer survivor, gave me the best advice and it has been her words that have grounded me since.

She told me to "be in the moment," to not go forward into the present or back to the past. These were the words of a wise woman and these words echo the yoga practice I have been committed to for 10 years. They were words I could hang on to and bring me solace. To be in present moment awareness is both comforting and truthful. It keeps us from spiraling into "what if" or "what could be" or into "who is to blame." Being in the moment keeps us in reality and it also fosters a deep appreciation for each moment. In the present situation the practice of "being in the moment" allows me to step into my best self and help my nephew and his parents from a place of calmness and love.

Since the news, my life is changed. Each morning when I wake up and during every mountain pose I practice, I bring my hands to my heart and I set my intention to "be in the moment." I now recognize that this is the path I need to be on for the time being. Each moment, whether it is with my nephew, his mother, my mother, my partner, my children, my students or my friends is a gift not to be tainted with fear. I would rather be fully present, honest, and relaxed that anxious and scared. To be able to hold an intention for myself each day is one of the teachings that yoga has to offer. Creating an intention for ourselves does not mean we will be perfect, instead it means to keep coming back to our intentions over and over again and eventually our road will go that way.

Intentions have great power. We all get off track or, as in my case, have crisis that throw us off track and we lose the path we want to be on. As yogis, we learn to keep coming back to our intention. Here are some sample intentions, but the best way to set an intention is to listen to your own heart and what it yearns for.

Today I will practice generosity.
I will be more patient with
I will notice my feelings and try to feel my feelings instead of pushing them away.
I will listen to other points of view without trying to push my own agenda.
I will respond lovingly when others are upset.
I will remember to stop at moments throughout the day, breathe deeply, and relax every part of my body.
Today I will focus on the blessings in my life.

Respectfully,
Anne Falkowski

04/29/08

2008-05-20T12:34:00.001-07:00

Last Friday I was all set to go into the studio for a much needed day of attending paperwork and returning phone calls. Many of these detailed yet essential tasks had been brushed aside over the past week as Dawn, my office manager, was performing with her Kung Fu team in China and I had to call in sick to the yoga studio almost every morning to take care of three kids with a tummy bug. Last Friday everyone in my family was finally healthy for the first time in over a week. I was looking forward to a full devoted to my yoga studios. I was planning to start my morning by taking John's power yoga class and then settling in with my phone and computer. After a week plus of my routines being thwarted, I couldn't wait to bring everything back to normal. I was craving my yoga, my alone time, my habits; all that I receive from a full day of work.

It was at that very moment of longing and anticipation, when I was freshly showered and dressed in my best yoga outfit that I got a last minute phone call from my babysitter informing me that her car had broken down in her driveway. Talk about disappointment. Momentary feelings of self pity washed over me from head to toe. As I have no last minute child care backup, it meant that once again, I must shelf my own needs as a yogi, business owner, and an adult to stay at home.

Last Friday was a gorgeous spring day. They don't get any more beautiful. The breeze was gentle, the sun was warm and kissed my bare arms. Flying high above my one year old daughter and my own head was a large bumblebee. The bee was happily flitting and buzzing up in the sky and could have cared less about us. It was during one of these moments that Sadie noticed a patch of dandelions. She has never seen a dandelion before and her face lit up in inquiry. With enthusiasm and determination she crawled on bare knees across the lawn to examine these new found treasures. At first she explored the bright yellow flowers with her right foot, hesitantly touching the face of one lucky dandelion with her big toe. Soon, she needed more and brought her face down to the ground and began to examine its texture by brushing up against the head of the flower with her cheeks and eyelids. This still was not enough. In a flash of a moment, she brought her chubby fist to the flower and picked the yellow head off of its stem. As she brought the flower to her lips, she looked at me. By this time I was sitting next to her, cross-legged, observing her sense of curiosity and wonder.

She looked at me to see my response. I felt myself wanting to tell her, "No!" "Do not eat the flowers! That is wrong! That is yucky! That is sick!" My mind quickly told me that eating flowers could possibly be dangerous. What will she eat next? Rocks worms, or twigs? Isn't my duty as a mother to teach her how to stay safe in this world?

But in that moment, I chose a different route. Instead of stating the habitual and over used, "No," I chose a different path and let myself soften. In that moment I couldn't help it - I smiled. My own smile emerged from a momentary awakening into what really mattered to me. My own realization of how precious this moment was. After I offered my smile to Sadie, she smiled back. This was no ordinary smile. Sadie grinned in pure delight. She had a light in her eyes and bright yellow flecks of dandelion stuck between her eight teeth. In all of my life, I have never seen a sight more beautiful.

My point is this: we choose our own paths and ultimately create our own experiences. We will never be able to control all of the circumstances in our lives. Each and every one of us cannot escape loss, disappointment, and change. We may not have choices around our circumstances but we do have choices regarding our reactions. Yoga teaches us this. As we practice on our mats, we continuously make choices. "Do I stay in the pose or do I release? Do I let go of perfection in the alignment of my pose and honor my experience just as it is right now?" Do I choose to experience the fullness of the pose by softening or do I choose to keep striving no matter the cost?" Yoga teaches us that we can be both a skillful practitioner and yet embrace our humanity as well.

There is a word in tantric yoga called poorna. Poorna translates as fullness or wholeness. As yogis, we want to experience our yoga practice on the yoga mat and ultimately our lives off of the yoga mat in the fullest possible dimension. We are continuously refining our skills yet at the same time we learn to let go of perfection and realize that there are no mistakes. There is only learning. The physical practice of yoga is an embodiment of asana, breath and meditation. May our lives be an embodiment as well. May we all laugh fully, love fully and live fully. According to the modern day yoga philosopher Douglas Brooks, "Yoga doesn't give you anything new. It gives you the process of engagement with who you are."

Blessings,

AnneFalkowski

04/23/08

2008-05-20T12:33:00.002-07:00

When it comes to my professional life, I am in the habit of taking on too much. I love to take on new projects, new workshops, and new yoga classes. Taking on new things is exciting to me. In a work environment I love challenge and change. This would be fine if I didn't have a life outside of my professional one but I do. I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, auntie, friend, artist, writer, knitter, reader, cook, runner, and many other things. Sometimes I take things on at work without even consulting my partner or my calendar. This can be like playing with fire. I would like to say that I thrive on the chaos and to a certain point I do, but taking on every challenge can also deplete me. In the end, taking on too much is a form of self sabotage. You watch a few bridges go up in flames all because you overbooked yourself and can't be and do everything you promised. As I realize I take on too much and will ultimately disappoint someone, feelings of dread and guilt will set in and plant itself deep within my center.

So this week when I made the decision (once again) to slow myself down and not to commit to everything (for a while) and to be home with my family more- I got sick. One of those nasty tummy bugs coupled with some upper respiratory difficulty. This does not surprise me. Although I had made the decision to slow down, I wasn't intending on starting immediately. I saw it as a slow process. A process that I would enter into gradually. Gradual never happened. Becoming pale as white linen, incredibly tired and observing my insides emptying out over and over again happened instead. I believe my "bug" was my body's way of slowing me down and agreeing with the decision I made. Being sick this weekend kept me from attending a workshop at my studio, cleaning out my garage, running 6 miles and trying to act like superwoman as I hosted our guest teacher. Being sick gave me more time with my children as I couldn't do much more than loaf around in my pajamas. My children were also not feeling well so we hung out together under our comforters and drank gallons of ginger ale, sucked on Popsicles and watched movies too silly to name here.

This is what I took from being sick for the past 5 days:

Taking care of ourselves is absolutely essential and sacred. In order to take care of ourselves completely, it is important to clear out of our lives the things that are standing in our way of self care. For example, if you are always taking care of others first before you take care of yourself, then you will lose touch with what you need. This was the case with me. As I added workshop after workshop in a desire to take care of my studio and serve my students. (and also to enable me to grow as a yoga teacher), I lost touch with the fact that I also needed down time, not only with myself but with my husband and kids as well. Before I know it, my 11 year old daughter will no longer want to cuddle with me under a blanket watching "chick flicks." If I am lucky, I can get a few more years in of couch cuddling. If I am lucky.....

Everybody has needs. We have needs for alone time, expression, creativity, to be loved and to love back. These are just a few. A wise yogi understands that he or she has needs that vary and change.

In any crisis situation in our life (for example-an illness, death, job loss, financial setback, divorce, life change, depression, etc.) that has us experience fear, panic, numbness, or pain, it becomes increasingly clear that we need to reframe our relationship with ourselves.

Reframing our relationship with ourselves will set us on the healing path. When we our in a crisis situation, it would be wise to ask, "How can I use this time in my life to enrich my life, to connect me with what is really important to myself?" In other words, "What do I need to get rid of in my life? " What a rich question. "What memory programming do I need to let go of?" For me- the tape in my head that tells me I am not good enough would be a place to start. Let that message burn itself up. Ask yourself , "Who and what do I need to clear out of my life?"

In a crisis situation, consider how differently you would move through it if you ate healthy foods, drank more water, did lots of yoga, stayed grounded emotionally, took deep breaths, and spoke your truth from your heart.

How different would your decision making process be?

Here are four ways to practice yoga that will guide you to feel the sacredness within yourself:

1. Slow down and scan your body. The body doesn't lie. If you listen to it, it will tell you if it is hungry, scared, overwhelmed, hurting, happy, tired, etc. If you don't listen to it, it will eventually scream back at you.

2. Breathe. Use the breath to slow you down, overcome panic, soothe and restore.

3. Practice your yoga. Activity in the body creates energy which in turn creates more energy. This helps us to realign, open up and balance our entire structure. Our emotional backlog is gently released through the motion of yoga.

4. Meditate. Even if it is only in small doses. A regular meditation practice hones our quality of attention, silence, looking and feeling within. Meditation helps us to wake up and follow the direction of our own unique spirit.

Sincerely,

Anne Falkowski

04/10/08

2008-05-20T12:33:00.001-07:00

Springtime is magical dynamic and sensuous. The aliveness of springtime is a mirror of the life force that is always pulsing within us. This is a time to shed that which keeps us from feeling most alive and should set the tone for the rest of the year. A proper hatha yoga practice will vary according to the time of year in our life. A springtime yoga practice should follow natures lead by gradually lightning us physically, mentally, and emotionally. A balanced springtime yoga practice will incorporate realistic goals for obtaining our highest form of health and vitality. Springtime is a time to focus on what makes you shine from within. The proper transition into springtime serves as a foundation for health for the rest of the year. Honor the spring as the morning of the year.

Yoga is not only an asana (posture) practice but a whole lifestyle practice. The following Sadhana (yoga practice) recommendations are a combination of lifestyle, diet and yoga practices that will shed lethargy or amma (the toxicity that accumulates during the winter months) and build a foundation for personal strength and vitality:

Lifestyle

1.The optimal time for going to sleep at night is 10pm. The optimal time for waking up is between 5:30am and 6:00am. When we get the right amount of sleep, it wakes up our internal agni. Agni is our internal fire. By waking up our internal fire, we can reduce lethargy which can come from sleeping in.

2.Upon waking-apply warm sesame oil to the whole body. Follow this with a hot shower and a brief cold rinse. This is an ayurvedic springtime ritual that will stimulate the lymphatic system and benefits the mind and emotions. This ritual also increases the immune system.

Diet

3.Eat less( or none) of foods that increase mucus; dairy products, iced or cold food or drinks, white bread, processed foods, and fried foods.

4.Drink detoxifying teas. A good one is a combination of cinnamon, ginger and black pepper. Yogi brand Detox Tea is also very nice. Drink these detoxifying teas one hour after breakfast and lunch. This serves to keep the digestive system healthy and to expectorate excess mucus.

5.Eat plenty of fresh and local vegetables. Local vegetables will serve as a gentle and natural cleansing to your system.

Lifestyle

6.Organize your home or your office.

7.Resolve lingering issues in your relationships. Practice peacemaking, forgiveness and understanding.

8.Find occasions where you can holler and scream with enthusiasm and joy. Kirtan is excellent.

Yoga Practice

9.A springtime hatha yoga practice should be a dynamic style of practice that is warming, stimulates our internal metabolic fire, improves circulation of prana so that excess toxins can be eliminated particularly from the lungs, heart and circulatory system.

10.The best postures for asana during the spring are Standing poses, standing twists, sun salutations and inversions.

11.Smooth rhythmic breathing (ujaii breath) particularly during sun salutations is key for maintaining concentration and spreading heat throughout the body. This inner heat melts away excess tissues in your body

Spring is here. Finally. Whatever your yoga practice, you should come away feeling warmed, invigorated and light. Your circulation should be energized and your chest and lungs open. At the end of your practice, the mind and senses should be sharp and clear and any emotional heaviness released and forgotten.

There is no need to wait. Start your yoga practice exactly where you are. All you need to do is come to the mat. Bow your head and offer a prayer of gratitude to nature and set your intentions for your practice. Chant the sound AUM and begin.

With love,

Anne Falkowski

04/03/08

2008-05-20T12:32:00.001-07:00

For the Falkowski family, the past year and a half has been a time of building. Since the fall of 2006, we have added a 2nd yoga studio, 2 new business partners, a baby, a major move of our Manchester Studio to a new location,
and another full-time business for Matthew. In that order, we have made all these changes. All though each of these additions have been positive in their own way, they have also brought about a lot of tasks and responsibilities into our already busy lives. As new tasks and responsibilities come into our life each year, it can get easy to lose track of what really makes you happy.

For me, yoga is a blessing. I take one hour and 15 minutes each day and focus on what makes me happy. In my yoga
practice, I pay attention to the little things that make me smile. I set an intention of focusing on what I need to feel balanced and whole each day. My yoga practice not only protects my emotional well-being but that protects my physical health as well.

On my yoga mat, I continue to grow and develop as a woman, mother, and human being. On my yoga mat, I have learned to be truthful, strong, and courageous, even if it is for only five breaths. On my yoga mat, I have learned that I am far from perfect but that perfection is not as important as being authentic and real. On my yoga mat, I have learned that I am happy. I just have to pay attention to what makes me happy and follow
some simple lessons to rediscover my passion for life when I start to get overwhelmed by tasks and responsibilities
of living a full life.

Here are some essential lessons I have learned from yoga and try to follow in my daily life:

Value what you love to do. There are always items to add to your to-do list, but don't forget the diversions that you love. Do you look forward to reading in bed, going out to breakfast, taking long walks, or listening to music?
Make sure that some of your favorite diversions happen each day. Only you can make this happen. It is important
to identify what you need and then follow through and do it. Even if that means slowing down for an hour or so regardless of the size of your chore list. I usually know that I am not getting enough of my favorite diversions when feelings of resentment crop up towards others for simple things like returning phone calls or I feel overwhelmed to take on a small task in my life such as putting away the groceries or folding laundry. In times like these, I seek refuge by sneaking away to my favorite knitting store to sit and knit even if the dishes are overflowing. The army of dishes will still be there when I get home. After a few hours of knitting and purling row after row, the dishes seem to get done with an ease instead of an underlying rage.

Build your strength and independence. We all have low-energy days and have times when we want to skip our regular
yoga practice but if you can resist your urge to bail out on your yoga (or any other exercise you are dedicated to) you will be rewarded both now and later. Just get yourself to the yoga mat. Once you are stretching and breathing, it is most likely that you will want to complete what you started and you will feel good about doing so. Sticking with your exercise plan will help you feel good about yourself and also strengthen your immune system and enhance your body's production of mood-boosting hormones.
Don't let stress zap you of joy. Diffuse daily hassles by practicing stress-reduction strategies. As a yoga teacher, I recommend taking short deep-breathing breaks throughout the day. A minute of Ujaii breath will relax you, get more oxygen into your blood stream, resulting in a greater feeling of calm. Take a brisk walk outside, hug someone you love, have a good laugh, get a massage, sing in the shower, write in a journal. All of these are effective means for reducing tension, stress, depression and anxiety. Find ways to lift your spirits other than eating the sugary and salty snacks you might crave when you are feeling frantic.

Give back to others. This is Karma Yoga or the yoga of service. Share your skills and talents with a local school, club or organization whom you would like to volunteer or participate. Being engaged in your local community is good for your emotional health and will make our world a better place. We all have unique talents and gifts that we can share. We also learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and others when we mentally and emotionally stretch and meet new people outside of our social comfort zone. For instance, when I volunteer my time with people with disabilities, it helps me to break down barriers between myself and others and to see the world from a different perspective.
Appreciate the people around you. Appreciate your family, loved ones, and friends. The openness and trust you share with these important people can help give you the perspective you need to cope with everyday challenges.

Share a good laugh with others. Don't forget about relationships at work. Colleagues and co-workers can provide valuable support during stressful situations. I could not imagine what my life would be like if Dawn and I did not value each other. As co-workers, we spend many hours together each week and I know that our mutual respect and trust for one another positively impacts my happiness at my workplace.

Feeling satisfied and fulfilled with our lives is essential to our emotional and physical well-being. Through my yoga, I have
learned to appreciate who I am and what I need to feel good. When I take care of myself, ultimately I am taking care of my relationships with others and as a result I am putting positive vibes out in this world. Do a little yoga today, on and off your mat, and you will be amazed at just how good you feel.

03/26/08

2008-05-20T12:31:00.001-07:00

When spring comes, I am drawn to the more physical practices of yoga. I have noticed that if I don't begin to move my body on a regular basis that as the days become longer, instead of feeling joy, I feel melancholy and out of
sorts. When these feelings of sadness begin to happen I now understand the root cause. Usually it just means that I need to honor my bodies need for shedding the sluggishness that winter can bring on.

Fortunately, the remedy is simple-move my body and eat foods that are in line with the springtime and are slightly cleansing. A gentle purification for the body and eventually the mind. To feel right in my world all I need to do is something physical that brings me joy and incorporate some of the fresh foods that my body naturally craves such as romaine lettuce, asparagus and all the wonderful spring greens that are beginning to show up in the produce aisle. How gentle is that? A simple yoga class and a healthy salad. It doesn't take much and my lifestyle becomes supportive to what I need.

I am a Kripalu Yoga Teacher and I love what the Kripalu tradition has to say about yoga as an exercise. Kripalu views yoga as a
transformative process that acts as an intensive housecleaning for the entire physical and mental systems. The practice of yoga is meant to purify. First a physical purification takes place as the body rids itself of the subtle impurities that stand in the way of vibrant health. Then yoga aims to remove the negative thought patterns that render the mind unsteady. Yoga helps us to feel absolutely right with our inner perceptions of who we are and let our best self shine forth.

If we feel sluggish or not right in our own bodies and minds, yoga is the perfect prescription to remedy this. A regular exercise and moderate eating program allows the body to begin to gradually eliminate its backlog of
impurities.

Swami Kripalu recommended making slow but steady lifestyle changes and deepening your yoga practice at a modest pace.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Swami Kripalu on yoga, exercise, and food:

"The body plays a significant role in human life. Without a body, we would not be able to perform a single action. With a body that is fully fit and healthy, we can perform many actions effectively. If the body is not fit, the other approaches to growth can not help us all that much"

"Everyone knows that it is best to eat moderately. Most people, however, only understand this intellectually and eat indiscriminately. People also know that it is important to exercise regularly in order to digest their food properly. Yet people rarely exercise enough and their food does not digest properly. As a result, physical waste
products are not excreted completely and go on collecting in the body. In much the same way, negative ideas accumulate in the mind. Purifying the body and the mind is not as easy as one might think. It is necessary to be
very patient."

"Many people mistakenly believe that eating moderately means taking only a small, fixed quantity of food per day. When a person exercises a little, his appetite is naturally reduced, so he should eat less than usual. On days when he exercises a lot, his appetite is increased, so he should eat more than usual. Thus, a person must guage how much he needs to eat at each meal by how much he exercises. One's appetite also increases or decreases according to one's emotions, for the body and mind are so intricately related. In this way, each meal tests our powers of discrimination."

"Exercise is a temple that purifies the body and mind. "

"Find physical exercises that suit your body and temperament and practice them daily."

"Lovers of health and vitality focus on physical exercise and develop their body until it is fit and firm. But their exclusive focus on the body prevents them form developing their minds. Lovers of the mind and willpower focus on mental exercise and develop their minds. But their exclusive focus on the mind prevents them from developing physical strength. The yogi develops the body and mind in a balanced way."

"For those doing manual labor all day, exercise is not necessary as the body needs rest. For those doing mental work all day, physical exercise is a way to give the mind a rest."

and finally..............my favorite quote from Swami Kripalu:

"You may often feel you that are not progressing, but if you are practicing to the best of your capacity that is an illusion. There is always progress being made, but you may not recognize it. In these practices, you need an ocean of patience. It is impossible to practice the big ocean of yoga if you have only one drop of patience."

May we all know true patience with ourselves,

Jai,

03/18/08

2008-05-20T12:30:00.002-07:00

I connect with my body in a way that is non-judgmental
healthy and whole.

I need to stand still in the middle of the chaos.

When I am breathing I know that everything will be all right.

I fill my soul when it feels tired and taken for granted.

I can speak my truth

I can see beauty inside me and in you

I practice yoga to feel alive

I practice yoga to feel.

With Love,

Anne

03/04/08

2008-05-20T12:30:00.001-07:00

This weekend I snuck into my newly decorated Samadhi Yoga Studio, Storrs during the quietness of a snow storm. We were supposed to be holding our grand reopening celebration this past Saturday but made a heartbreaking last minute decision to postpone the event due to the 6 inches of newly fallen snow and give the Storrs Studio the celebration it truly deserves the following weekend. (We will cross our fingers that the weather will be on our side this Saturday.)

The party was cancelled but I still felt compelled to go to the Storrs Studio anyways and immerse myself in the space, to honor it in my own way. When I opened the door to this newly redecorated space and turned on the lights, I was completely amazed at the transformation that had taken place in just three short days. Heather, our Storrs Studio Manager, poured her heart and talent for making things beautiful into what had been a tired and weary space.

As I sat in the middle of the transformed studio space and breathed in its beauty, fresh colors and new life force, I was overcome with love and gratitude. My heart opened wide and I felt an outpouring of thankfulness to the exceptionally talented and graceful people in my life, like Heather, and I was honored to be part of the positive change and healing space that she had brought to life. I breathed in the aliveness of the newly potted plants, the thoughtful shoe racks, the much needed coat hooks, the mounted speakers, and the scent of pine from the Zen like altar. I basked in the overall simplicity of the space combined with caring details and I felt hopeful and renewed.

Body Connection
If we are lucky, at some point in our lives we find our way to the things that truly make us feel good or healthy from the inside out. And when we do we are bound to think "I can't believe I don't do this every day!" This revelation could come at the end of a yoga class or a walk outside, a satisfying nutritious meal or from a great workout. Whatever path leads us to a healthy body connection, this path is a much needed touchstone for quieting the mind, bringing vitality to our lives, and helping us to move forward in a supportive way and to thrive in everything we do.

Choice
Samadhi Yoga Studio is committed to assist you in reaching your dreams for sustainable lifestyle change. We know that a healthy lifestyle is a path with many twists and turns. We know and understand that compassion and a non-judgmental attitude is at the core of all positive change. We also believe that choice is important because each person's body and experience is unique. What truly nourishes and supports us to be as healthy as possible varies from person to person and may change at different times in a person's life.

Samadhi Yoga Studio's yoga classes and workshops are designed to support choice and renewal. So this spring, renew your body and renew your commitment to your own health. Consider starting your day off with our new Yoga Boot Camp . This is perfect for those of you wanting to revitalize and step up your current fitness routine. Develop the habit of yoga for two straight weeks and emerge from our yoga boot camp your most calm, healthy and vibrant self. You won't believe how good you can feel until you try it.

If morning yoga doesn't work in your schedule, consider recharging in a late afternoon yoga class before dinner. How about a heated evening power class designed to invigorate you and radiate health from the inside out? Consider a rocking Power Yoga Jam on Friday afternoons. A perfect time to unwind, soothe your soul and create deep states of physical and mental health.

And don't forget the weekends. We offer popular yoga classes Saturday and Sunday mornings. Some of our students have commented that their yoga mat is a place of spiritual connection. Sunday afternoons offer an opportunity to give back to your community as you practice Karma Yoga to enhance your local community and give monetary support to non-profit organizations that make our towns better places for everyone to live. Sunday evening yoga is a magical time to practice self reflective yoga as you mentally and physically retreat to prepare for the busyness of the week ahead.

Samadhi Staff
Our teaching staff is unique and dedicated to their craft and each teacher and staff knows firsthand the power of yoga to transform their own lives. Our staff is made up of people who are engaged in their own inquiry for physical, emotional, and spiritual health and want to enrich your experience at Samadhi Yoga Studio by making it as positive an experience as possible. It is our intention for our studio to feel like a safe haven for you to relax into just being yourself in a way that our everyday lives don't always allow.

Community
There is a unique spirit at Samadhi and it brings out the best in people. The Studios are made up of diverse people of all ages and life experiences. Whether you come alone or with a friend or family member, you will find what you need. The environment at Samadhi supports rich profound conversations and it also supports the need for solitude and privacy.

Come to Samadhi Yoga Studio and reconnect to who you really are and what you truly need to empower your health, wellness, creativity and personal growth.

With much love,

Anne Falkowski
Samadhi Yoga Studio Founder and Director

02/21/08

2008-05-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Brrrr. As I write this, the morning is exceptionally brilliant and bitter yet I can feel springtime's presence softly pressing against the tireless cold. I can hear the spring song of the birds as the sun rises each morning a little earlier and I am reminded that warmer weather and newness is just around the corner.

This late winter/early spring we have carefully planned out yoga offerings so that they line up with our natural need for awakening our bodies after a winter's retreat. When I chose what to offer at the studio this season, I asked my own body what it needed and what it was calling for.

My body is calling for movement and new awakening. I feel the need to strengthen my yoga practice and increase my metabolism. I feel the need to move and sweat and inhabit my body from a place of support and strength. Check out our Yoga Boot Camp co-taught by Dawn and myself. We are looking forward to this two- week period of transformation. Another class that I am excited about offering for the first time at Samadhi Studio is Yoga and Weights taught by myself and Allie Capo-Burdick, a personal trainer and the owner of Vita Train 4 Life Fitness Center.

Maybe your body is calling for something slower. We are offering the Yin Yoga Series and Gentle Yoga Series as well.

I am confident that there is something here for everyone. Dedicate your spring to taking care of your body and your spirit. Spring is about coming fully awakened and blooming into your most healthful state, inside and out. Take some steps and do this today. Jump out of your box. Play. Laugh. Sweat. Stretch. Be Grateful. Live and Love.

Namaste,
Anne Falkowski

01/18/08

2008-05-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am thrilled to invite you to our winter workshops and events that will take place over the next few weeks. We now have an online store and any event at Samadhi including regularly scheduled yoga classes can be purchased online. You can even add yoga classes to your Samadhi account from the convenience of your own home. Buying classes and workshops online will save you time when you arrive. If you are not computer savvy, do not worry. You can still sign up the old fashioned way-in person.

We are proud of the community we have built at Samadhi and are always excited to see the new faces that come with January resolutions. We cherish both the new and the familiar. All of our workshops and yoga classes are carefully constructed to support you in leading the healthiest and happiest lifestyle possible. Since Samadhi Yoga Studio opened its doors 7 years ago, our focus has been to teach the best possible yoga using guidelines that foster trust, relaxation within our bodies and mind, and the development of inner wisdom.

Some thoughts about why a regular yoga practice can profoundly change our lives: The relationship we have with our bodies cannot be separated from all we believe about being alive, from the foundation on which every other thing in our lives is built; relationships with ourselves, with others, money, work, love, death. When the basic foundation is understood directly, living takes on a kind of effortlessness and grace. This kind of ease and knowing is available to everyone.

Let your life be a deeply satisfying journey. We always start right where we are because there is nowhere else to start. Yoga allows us to transcend the world of appearances and shed light on what is happening beneath the surface. Everyday life is not apart from this process; it is actually part of it. Raising children, working, being angry, being sad, washing the dishes are all a part of it. We cannot separate who we are from the way we take care of and treat ourselves in our everyday lives.

Through yoga, I have learned that no feeling or situation is unworkable, not heartbreak, not grief, not disappointment, not sadness, not loneliness, not anger. Anything can be felt, sensed, worked through. Through yoga, I have learned how to strengthen my body and make it more relaxed and open. I have learned how to sit comfortably and how to go upside down. My overall posture is improved. My asthma that I have struggled with since I was a child is almost non-existent. In addition to the physical, in yoga I have learned that beating my self up because I am not perfect does not work. I have learned that embracing the qualities of curiosity and openness make me much happier than the qualities of control and fear. Yoga is not mental, not psychological, not emotional, yet is all of these and more. It is a bridge to your own guidance and essential presence.

Join us at Samadhi. One taste of this direct knowing and nothing can ever be the same.

Peace,
Anne Falkowski

01/10/08

2008-05-20T12:26:00.001-07:00

"Be comfortable with yourself first - then be comfortable with the world." Susan Abenilla-Brown

One of my favorite ways to make myself feel strong, lean, and healthy is to get outside and hike. I love the hills. I love the fresh air or prana and I love the company I keep. I have a couple of girlfriends who are available to walk with me during the weekday. Their work schedule is flexible and we are well aware of how fortunate we are to be outside in nature while most people are at a desk. We are lucky to steal a little girl time to talk. What do we usually talk about? Relationships. While we are out in nature, stepping forward, away from the everyday sights and sounds of modernity, there is nothing more natural than for us to take the time to talk about our relationships. I thought I would start my newsletter focusing on something so essential to our well-being: relationships.

Whether it is your boyfriend, girlfriend, child, husband, wife, sister, brother or best friend- most people, as social creatures, tend to spend some time turning over these relationships in their minds. Sometimes we turn them over in our minds with relish, sometimes with fury. Either way, there they are. Our significant relationships are oftentimes at the forefront of who we are. Hidden inside of all our relationships is the one we have with ourselves, the ground zero, the ultimate starting place. Who we are is in every relationship we have.

Consider the words of Bill McDonnough, a leading expert on environmental architecture (he's working with Brad Pitt right now on rebuilding New Orleans). He proposed that in this life we need more than just sustainability for the environment; we need kinship. Not only do we need more kinship with our environment, we need more kinship with all of our relationships. How we treat each other will reflect in how we treat our world.

He said, "If I asked you how your relationship with your husband or wife is and you said 'sustainable', is that really good enough? No way. It's not good enough for you or for your spouse. It's time for kinship."

What is kinship and how can I experience the greatest kinship with the people in my life?

Kinship is what happens to relationships when they are functioning with the greatest possible ease at the highest possible return. This means that each party gets back a thousand times what they give in terms of love, happiness, and fulfillment.

Kinship is like planting a small apple seed and getting back a whole tree full of apples. One seed just keeps yielding more and more, year after year. Many of my relationships are yielding apples but if I am to be totally honest, I will admit that I have a few relationships that aren't yielding much fruit. Instead they are yielding struggle and misunderstanding. What do I do with these relationships? Do I just keep enduring these muddy relationships and hope for someday?

For an answer to this, I turn to what I know through my yoga. In yoga, I know with my body. I know if I am bossing it around, telling it what to do, believing that it will never be good enough, then that's a type of dictatorship. If I am ignoring my body and its needs then that is a type of neglect. Kinship is a not a dictatorship nor neglect but a friendship. In order for kinship to manifest itself with others, being friends with our bodies and our selves is a natural place to begin. Begin by loving what is. Kinship with our bodies is a little less self-improvement and a little more self-acceptance. So, in our relationships, once we come to practice self-acceptance and kinship with our own selves and our own bodies, we can extend it to kinship with others. We can extend it out to kinship with our loved ones, strangers, enemies, and this earth. This is the lesson of yoga.

For one day (or for five breaths in a challenging yoga pose such as Warrior 3) can you extend kinship to yourself? I mean that. Starting with accepting your self is the path to accepting your spouse or your father or mother. Once you practice acceptance with your self then you can expand.

Extending kinship to myself is a practice just like the discipline of yoga is a practice. Befriending my self, especially at the beginning of a New Year is not something that comes naturally to me. I am more inclined to be the dictator with myself as I set out to achieve my New Year's Resolutions. (Especially when it comes to eating right and weight loss.) But once I do get into the practice of self-acceptance and self-kindness and do extend kinship to myself, I find that the need to put myself down inwardly and to judge others outwardly starts to evaporate. It disappears. I actually find spoken criticisms of others harsh and uninviting. Through the practice of self-acceptance, I get into alignment with what is. The concept of yoga is simple- as yogis we get into alignment with what is and practice accepting it.

Once you are in alignment with what is- acceptance has the chance to become real love. No one has to change for you to love them. Not even you. Incredible isn't it? That doesn't mean that we don't ever change, that we don't honor our own changes that we want to make in our lives. It just means we don't have to change in order to be loved. That is kinship.

This week I encourage all of us to look at our relationships. Look at the relationship you have with yourself and then notice if this is the relationship you have with others. I challenge all of us to honor the beautiful authentic qualities that exist within ourselves and those that we love and accept the parts that aren't perfect. As yogis, once we begin to walk down the path of self-acceptance, we can start to take some proactive steps toward the love we want and the love we all deserve. Sounds like a great way to begin the New Year to me.

Peace and Love,

Anne Falkowski

01/04/08

2008-05-20T12:25:00.002-07:00

2007 was an incredible year for us: the birth of the beautiful and spirited Sadie Jai in early March who has brought much sweetness and change into our family and work life, a new studio space full of natural sunlight, space and warmth, and a new business for Matthew-the launching of tunerooms.com in December.

We are deeply thankful to all of our friends, students and staff who have lent us their time, energy, and support to make it all happen for us. I am humbled when I look back at all of the donated hours of moving, building, babysitting, painting, cleaning, and hard work that our community has offered us this year. We could not be standing where we are today without this support. On the evening before we launched our new studio space, I can remember the words of one of our students who was helping us to paint the new bathrooms. She listened to me as I told her that I was feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work that was still ahead of us for that evening. I told her I was deeply tired and felt guilty that my older children were not going to be able to go on a camping trip that Labor Day weekend but instead had to hang out and assist us as we put the final touches on the new Samadhi Studio. This student listened to me and then said to me the most comforting words. She told me that she thought my
children were getting the best memory that they could get. She told me that when my children look back on this time, they are not going to recall the missed annual camping trip but are going to recall their parents building a studio space with the help of their friends and family. This would be the memory that would have sustainability. This would be the memory that would guide them in their own pursuits. They were learning to honor their dreams and the possibilities of making things happen with the support of others. She reminded me that I was making my own dream come true, that I had a vision and I was following it. No dream is too small, too large, too silly, or too impossible.

Allow 2008 to be the year to follow your own dreams. Let it be the year to practice over and over again what it is that makes you feel the most authentic, most vulnerable, most beautiful, and most alive. The poet Mary Oliver asks us, "What is it you want to do with your one and precious life?" Let yoga be a vehicle to show you the way. Let your yoga practice be the steadiness and stillness you need to hear your inner wisdom. In this chaotic world, it is necessary to have a practice that connects you to your center and to clarity. In this world full of physical and emotional stressors, it is vital to have a practice that makes you physically strong and emotionally healthy. All you need to do is to show up on the yoga mat and trust that the yoga will unfold as it should. This is what a discipline is all about - showing up and trusting in the process.

I find wisdom in the words of Martha Graham. "I believe that we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living, the principles are the same. In each, it is the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts, physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one's being, a satisfaction of spirit. Practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire."

What is it that you want to practice over and over again? Dedicate 2008 to realizing your fullest potential and exploring that which awakens your soul. Maybe your dream is to dance, to write, to make art, to be in a loving relationship, etc. There is no limit to our dreams. There is no dream is too small. Take in the words of Carl Jung, " A dream ignored is like a letter unopened." We all deserve to honor our own dreams. It is never too late.

Peace and Love,

Anne Falkowski

12/04/07

2008-05-20T12:25:00.001-07:00

It is the last month of the year. Time to celebrate, eat delectable food, and prepare for the wonder and possibility of what is to come. This is the time of year where keeping up your yoga practice can become a challenge as carving out time for ourselves becomes more difficult. Consider setting an intention of gratitude each time you sit down to meditate or practice. This is one of my favorite rituals for this time of year. As the days grow shorter and the darkness grows longer, this is the time to align with our natural need for introspection and retreat. As you sit down to practice yoga this month, consider reviewing your year. What are the moments that struck you most? The precious times that where full of sweetness or the ones that offered a challenge that led to growth. If you love words, journal your response. Whether you write it down or simply honor your response in your heart, celebrate yourself, your journey, your light and your darkness. Make time for yourself in a way that has meaning.

As the new year approaches, people often start to experience lowered immunity due to holiday stress, over consumption of low quality foods, and lack of movement. Remember that getting the flu is usually an indication from the body that it needs rest and replenishment.

Here are some simple suggestions for taking care of yourself this holiday season:

Practice gentle yoga when you feel tired to help boost your immune system.

Practice hot power yoga when you feel the need to let go of stress and center and refocus your energies in a positive healing way.

Get out in nature. Even on cold days. Take a walk or a hike every day. Getting outside and moving your body is a natural antidepressant. This increases your oxygen and circulation.

Eat simple meals such as brown rice or quinoa with steamed vegetables/avocado, sprinkled with olive oil, lemon, and sea salt.

Eat lots of greens, squashes, and foods high is vitamin c such as broccoli, red pepper, and crimini mushrooms.

Eat food high in minerals such as warming miso soup or consider introducing seaweeds such as kombu into your rice and bean dishes.

Treat yourself to a healthy whole foods cookbook and make some dishes for yourself or to share with others.

Drink warm or room temperature water with lemon for vitamin C and alkalinity.

Reduce sugar, caffeine and processed foods

Get plenty of sleep and rest

Reach out to others, talk to friends or loved ones if you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed.

Connect with a supportive community of friends who value your commitment to health and healing.

Jai,

Anne and Matthew Falkowski

The connectedness of all of us

2007-11-19T15:43:00.000-08:00

With Thanksgiving looming so close, I am both tenderly and painfully aware of those loved ones who are not at my table. Some because they live far away, some because they have passed on and some because of old hurts that have not yet mended. Recently I came upon a meditation which honors the connectedness we have to all human beings. This week, I am guiding this meditation during shavasana in all of my classes. It could also be done in comfortable seated pose.

I offer this meditation to all of us who desire to honor their relationships-past, present and future.

"The breath connects us to all those who have come before us, all those who share this planet with us in this moment, and all those who will come after us. Use the simple act of breathing to remind yourself of this connection.

Bring to mind a person who is nearby, physically. Someone who is sharing this very room, or home, with you. As you inhale, take in their physical presence. As you exhale, send them awareness and appreciation.

Bring to mind a person who is close to your heart, but far from you. As you inhale, bring them to mind. As you exhale, send them love and support.

Bring to mind a person who is suffering. As you inhale, breathe in awareness of their suffering, and as you exhale, send them compassion and understanding.

Bring to mind an ancestor, a predecessor-someone whose very life has made your present experience possible. As you inhale, take in the meaning of their life, and as you exhale, send them gratitude.

Bring to mind all those who will come after you. As you inhale, experience the beauty of your own life. As you exhale, send them the fruits of your life, and hope for the future. "

Namaste.

Running

2007-11-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

"If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you don't bring forth will destroy you."
Jesus of Nazareth
The Gospel of Thomas

Today I began running again. It has been almost a 2 month hiatus. I stopped running when I began the 108 day yoga practice. At 5:30am every weekday morning I have made a committment to meet my running buddy in front of the studio and run for approximately 3 miles. Sometimes we will do a little more, sometimes a little less. I must confess that I was a bit worried that I would not be able to run 3 miles. My running partner, ever patient, slowed down her pace for me this morning and the run was just fine. Actually it felt awesome. I need to sweat like I did this morning every day. I need my heart to pump and my blood to circulate from aerobic activity or else I get unbearable to be around. I feel sluggish and just not "right."

Today was a gift, to run again in the dark with my friend. To complete the run and actually feel great (although a little sore in the hip flexers). I walked in my studio a little after 6 am ready to do some yoga and I was quite surprised by my yoga practice. First of all, I never did quite drop into my practice all the way. I remained on the edge. My mind couldn't settle. Instead I got angry, really angry. I got angry with one of my friends for something that I thought I had let go of and come to an understanding about. This is one of those situations where instead of confronting the person, you decide to let it go and just accept that this friend has a shortcoming in a certain area and it is best just to avoid interacting with her in a certain way. In this case, combining friendship and business is just not a good idea. We have bumbled throught it unsuccessfully for over 5 years and instead of being resentful, I had made a decision to just not interact with her anymore on a business level.

This blog entry is not about her. She wasn't even with me this morning. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of weeks. She is a wonderful person and I have no desire to alter our friendship in any way. She has some areas in her life where she could mature. We all do. This blog entry is not about her but about me. Why does the running bring up these emotions for me? This is not the first time. I have noticed this before. It stirs up my dark side. It stirs up the ugliness, the pettiness, the old hurts, and the unworthiness. I have heard it referred to as a "pot of self loathing. " We all have one. It is a pot that we must bear witness to when it tips over and spill through our consciousness. We may not recognize it at first because it is both guilded with compensatory feelings such as superiority, arrogance, anger and judgement and it's camouflaged pretty well with worldly attatchments such as youth and health and success and pleasure. But woe to the person whose pot of self-loathing is struck by an outside event like a rejection or a failure or a loss or disease. These events cause the camouflage to disappear or the guilding to get scratched, exposing the darkest imaginable feelings inside. This morning, during yoga, my pot tipped over and spilled into my consciousness.

I believe that we all have this pot. If our parenting was really really good, making us feel really really loved and welcomed on this earth- then we may have just a little pot that leaks out just a little self-judgement, unworthiness, or feelings of imperfections. Our pot probably doesn't give us too much trouble. But if we got the parenting that most of us got, a parenting with large amounts of critiscism and shame in it, we grow up with a large pot where self-loathing, and self-negation drip from our hearts.( I am not blaming the parents here-they did not know better. I believe this was a generational approach to parenting.) When this pot tips over, it fills our self talk with words sounding like mine this morning.

Why does the running stir this up for me? Is this good or bad? My yoga wisdom tells me that when this post of self-loathing pot tips over, it is important to stay present. Feel it spill into my body and my consciousness. Feel its tightness in my throat and its heavyness in my belly. Speak its words and cry its tears. Let all that sewage spill out and then I will feel lighter, cleansed, more peaceful.

Will I give up running even though I absolutely adore and crave how it makes my body feel? I will not. I understand the pot of self-loathing will exist whether I run or not. It will fill again and spill again and again until it's emptied out, I die or I smash it. My yoga tell me that the easiest way to get rid of it is to smash it and destroy it. The only way I can do this is to love myself unconditionally. This will smash the pot into tiny shards and the self-loathing inside will evaporate. How do I love myself unconditionally when there is a pot of self-loathing inside? I must start by loving myself for having it and then go on from there.

Yoga as Re-Engagement with the World

2007-11-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful to finally be sitting here-in front of my computer. Baby is napping. The older kids are at school and I am finally alone. I have made an uneasy choice to let the chaos of the house sit still for now. For my own sanity, I refuse to acknowledge the dishes that need to be loaded into the dishwasher, the laundry that needs to be put away. A warm cup of chamomille tea sits beside me and I can feel its goodness in my belly. The day is rainy and dark. Fallen leaves cling to the driveway. The wind outside is a warm gush. I am barefoot, unshowered, tired and have been struggling all week to find some way to carve out time for myself. All of my spare moments have involved the simple and mundane tasks of the mother; wiping off crumbs from a counter, emptying out overflowing kitchen garbages, taking the laundry down to the laundry room, picking somebody else's clothing off of the floors, holding a tired 9 year old in my lap, giving my 11 year-old daughter extra help on her math homework, school conferences, dentist appointments, art lessons, music lessons, hair appointments, buying winter coats, grocery shopping, bringing our fat cat to the vet. The list gets exhausting and so do I.

I try to be accepting of my life in this moment, to let go into the world of taking care of others but ultimately I always come back to realize that I am out of balance when I try to do it all. I come back to the reality that only I can take charge of creating happiness or peace in each moment. As a women, mother and studio owner, I could continuously take care of "things" and never get time to take care of me. To get myself out of what I call my resentment cycle, I have learned to slow down and check in with myself when I start to feel overwhelmed. For me, feeling any amount of overwhelment is a red flag for self-imposed stress. Many times I will try to blame my uncomfortable feelings on others. I might blame my husband for working a lot of hours or my kids for not picking up after themselves or my employees for not handling things as competently as I think they should, but ultimately I learn that only I can change my unhappiness. This always leads me back to sitting down in the quiet moments of my life and listening to my body, asking myself, "What is it that I need in this moment?" The answers are always there. I only need to listen.

This weekend at Yoga Teacher Training I lectured that the ultimate goal of yoga is to reach a point where a yogi can be at peace in any moment. Every moment. In the yogic tradition, there are two archetypes or models for how an individual might reach this ideal state.

The first model is that of the yogi renunciate, on the mountaintop or in the cave, totally separated and withdrawn from the everyday world. Going inside, into isolation, the yogi finds what she needs- great clarity and peace.

The other archetype is the yogic warrior, who is fully and passionately engaged in the world. This yogi is completely dedicated to the well-being of others, and vows to never rest until all other beings are happy and at peace. He or she is the one who finds inner peace in the middle of external chaos.

Most householder yogis need to find a balance between these two archetypes. Seeking peace by creating a space free of intrusion, distractions, and external demands. He or she must also channel energy toward service, work, creativity, and relationships. As yogis, we must reflect on which of these two ways of recharging is missing from our lives.

There are other ways to think about this balance-the cycle of retreat and re-engagement. Consider using the physical body as an analogy. One of the primary differences between animate and inanimate objects is that animate beings adapt to stress, whereas inanimate objects are simply worn away by stress. Imagine a mountain that is being eroded over time by wind or water. An animate object responds differently: it actually grows in response to stress. Without forces of resistance, humans cannot develop adequate strength. Think of how we develop physical strength-we ask our muscles to do something they have not done before, and they react by changing; by growing new blood vessels to fuel the muscle cells, by growing in size; by developing new neuromuscular patterns that make it easier to do something that once was difficult. The same is true for how our immune system develops, for how we learn new skills, for how we develop our minds.

The key to this cycle of adaptation is that it requires a period of recovery. Physical rest is required after strength-training, and without sleep we would not be able to create new memories or engage in learning. If we do not offer the body and mind a period of rest, retreat, and recovery, our "engagement" with the world becomes a form of over-load and even self-injury. When we don't allow ourselves periods of rest, we don't become resilliant. We don't develop resistance. We are no longer replenished by activity. We become like the inanimate objects and wear down over time. Worn down from the way we interact with our world.

Recovery should be in scale with the stressor, activity or challenge we have recently been through. A little bit of recovery in every day may be enough to keep us learning and adapting. This is why recovery is so necessary in the yoga class that we offer our students. Just a little bit, in a vigorous yoga class, can teach our students the value of "recharging."

As I stated before, it is important to have balance. Consider this example- A person becomes overwhelmed by his or her job and looks for ways to "recover" through retreat. This person begins to try to take care of his or her self by cutting out everything that takes energy besides work. As he or she gets more and more disconnected, he or she has fewer meaningful moments and rewarding experiences. This person becomes less able to tolerate the stresses of their job. He or she ends up unable to get out of bed in the morning, and feeling like he doesn't have the energy to do anything at all. This is a classic cycle of depression, where the instinct to withdraw or to "rest" is not balanced by the instinct to re-engage.

This is someone who does not need more rest but needs more activity. This person needs something meaningful that exhausts him or her in a way that actually fills them up. There is something to the fact that using up all of our energy creates more energy, because we adapt to experience. It's like working out-the demands of activity create the strength, the flexibility, the endurance. People who are in the cycle of withdrawal and retreat have nothing to adapt to-and they continue to lose resilliency with the challenge that full engagement creates.

The other cycle is when someone is so involved with "doing" that he or she thinks there is no time to rest, and looks for what is missing in more activity and more projects. The more this person takes on, the more he or she feels unable to rest, and more he or she thinks he needs to do. Many people in this type of cycle tend to deprive themselves of sleep. Making the choice to continuously deprive yourself of sleep is a form of self-abuse. The body needs rest in order to build strength and endurance. A recovery period is always necessary. We cannot adapt withouts some kind of recovery. If we restress our body too soon, we create injury or chronic pain that makes us think we need to do more-and the more we do, the more we disconnect from what we need. The more we injure ourself.

Once we find ourselves in either one of these cycles, our instincts for balance are usually hidden underneath the strength and force of our habits and emotions. So most of us need to observe our patterns and look for what is out of balance. For the first time in over a week, I have chosen to sit down in front of my computer and create an entry in my blog. As I sit here in the stillness of the day, I realize what needs to be balanced. I have been putting all of my energy into my "work" for the past two weeks. I have been completely taken over by the demands of my mothering. It is time to engage myself in something that fulfills me in a creative way. That is why I am here, at my computer. Writing about what I love- yoga-challenges me and fulfills me. So does practicing some good hot sweaty yoga. Tonight I will make time for myself and I will gently push myself to get out of my house and take the power class at my own studio at 5pm. I will forget that I am a yoga teacher and studio owner and when I unroll my mat, I will surrender my thoughts and body over to the teacher and allow her to guide me into a state of yoga bliss. The demands of the yoga will be challenging yet sweet and serve to recharge me and re-engage me with my own strength and creativity. I will let the demands of the vigorous yoga "fill me up." in a meaningful way.

Sisters

2007-11-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

These are my two girls. 10 years apart. I often times observe them and marvel at the uniqueness of their relationship. The give and take of it. Are they similiar in nature or are they totally different? Will they appreciate one another as they grow up? Will they learn from one another? Will Sadie keep Emily younger in spirit? Will having Emily as a big sister turn Sadie into a teenager at 5? Who will they be in 10 years? In 20? Will they be close friends or will they be strangers to each other? As a mother, I have no choice but to be with the unknown.

Day 26-Meet yourself right where you are

2007-11-05T09:30:00.001-08:00

It is easy for me to get distracted by the day to day business of running two studios and a yoga teacher training program. Right now, we have a few issues going on with some teachers and some different issues going on with some of our clients. This is not unusual. There is always something to handle, some piece of a relationship or part of a building that needs repair. In any work situation, I ask myelf, "Do I confront these situations or do I let it go and see what happens? Am I handling these problems in a way that is best for the studio as a whole? Can I let these situations not be handled and a better solution might come up then the one I am first inclined to react with? These are lines of thinking that I could easily get tangled up in..... I have let myself get tangled up in. When distractible events or situations are going down at the studios, I can get a little lost from myself and my family. My attention span for anything other that my business becomes minimal. I meet the lowest common denominator for my own self needs and I barely pay attention to the needs of my family or my friends. The needs of the business become all consuming.

Fortunately, I am learning.......Day after day, I have to set boundaries up for myself to stay present with my own needs as a women, wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I am a slow learner, yet once I get something- I master it. I am starting to get it. Boundaries matter. I am learning to let go of the studios and let myself drop into the other elements of my life so that I am not completely swallowed up by the details of running a business. Details that will always be there tomorrow. Similiar to laundry.

This past week I set the intention in my practice to allow my yoga to meet me exactly where I am in the moment. Instead of trying to contol my yoga practice, I would become open to tuning in and listenting to my body and letting my yoga practice be more intuitive and spontaneous. Trusting that the poses I found myself taking on each morning were exactly the ones I needed.
My biggest fear was that my yoga practice might become too soft and that I might lose a yoga pose that is dear to me. Such as bow or side crow.......

Friday night, I looked over at my 11year old daughter Emily in my passenger seat. I was driving her somewhere and her presence gave me reason to pause. I couldn't stop looking at her, taking her in. If I could have eaten her up in that moment, I would have. Sometimes I let myself get too busy to see those that matter the most. This Friday, for reasons that I cannot quiet identify, I looked over and I saw her. I mean I truly saw who she was, her lovliness, her absolute beauty that came from somewhere vast and open. I saw her vulnerability and I felt her strength. She was and is magnificent.

It won't be long before her absolute trust in me is gone for a while. Not just me, but maybe even the world in general. In my opinion, our daughters ( and us when we were this age) get far too many messages that they are just a body, a barbie doll to be clothed, a sex object. All of these messages begin to register right around the time our daughters are getting their periods. This is the time that many girls, for the first time, experience depression and hopelessness, anger and self-esteem issues. Eating disorders, body image disorders, and god knows what else. They are on the cusp of new and raw emotions coupled with the realization that society's values are askew and, unless they are sexually attractive, our daughters are rendered powerless.

I want to hold my daughter steady. I want her to know the truth of who she is. I want her to know that she is talented, kind, courageous and wise. Messages will bombard her telling her otherwise. I want to keep her safe from the world and its oppression of women. But I know I can't keep her safely in my sight at all times. I am going to have to let her go. She is going to need to individuate and learn how to be in this world without me holding her hand or suffocating her.

At a party on Saturday night, a female friend of mine put it this way: "As a mother, we need to be like a swimming pool. We need to have strong sides so that when our daughters need to kick off of us, we are there to support that." The message comes to me again......Boundaries matter.
A strong container does matter as well. As a mother-my body image, my sense of self, my own identity needs to be strong. But I also feel it is important to be soft and yielding as well. Isn't this the feminine aspect that is so much needed to balance out our patriarchal society? Trust in the qualities of patience and love and tenderness. This brings me back to my practice this week of letting the yoga meet me exactly where I am in the moment. In these moments I need a bit of folding inward and letting my love flow outward. I am a rag doll, forward fold, an exhale. I am attracted to the poses that reveal the surrender. Soon I am to surrender to the emergence of my daughter as a teenager with more autonomy in this oftentimes harsh and careless world but it will not be without offering my own self as the container to which she can return to for both strength and comfort. I ask that nothing keeps me away from that.

Aloneness

2007-11-03T04:14:00.001-07:00

In the quiet hours of my yoga practice, I have come to realize that I need to be my own best friend. My actions and my thoughts all need to support that. All of us should embrace our solitude.

When I was in college, I learned about existentialism. I indentified with the aloneness of it all. We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each of us on our own plane of perception. I read once that,"No two people have ever met." I take this to mean that even the people you know best and love with all of your hearts are your own projections. Sooner or later you wake up and you're the one whose left. If we allow it to be, this is a wonderful thing. You get to go to sleep and wake up with you, you get to order your favorite food and listen to your favorite music.

Meditation is a practice that comes and goes for me. This week it has been front and central in my 108 day practice. I come to my mat and sit with my eyes closed. 15 minutes pass and it occurs to me that I am feeling clear. I feel joy and gratitude. I let the thoughts appear from nowhere, move by like clouds, change and dissipate. In an instant, they are gone. Who named the sky?

There is nothing to grasp and nothing to control. All that is, all that it was and ever could be, is invited to meet me. It is all right if it kills me. It doesn't matter. I know not to stop it. I become bright and weightless and live without fear. Everything is visible now and I could kiss the ground. There is nothing to grasp and nothing to control. On my cushion, I notice that I'm worshiping not with any words, but with breath and my hands pressed together upon my heart. Where will this love end? How could I possibly know? I become aware of the softest whisper, a breath, and then not even that.

Halloween

2007-11-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

My yoga practice for the day after Halloween consisted of 6am practice filled with inversions: Forearm Balances, Handstands and Headstands. The rest of the day, my practice was about staying away from the candy. Surprisingly, this was easy to do today. Check out my scary Halloween critters. All three of us are off to 4:30pm yoga class. Namaste.

Attiti-That which is before you is Divine

2007-10-31T03:24:00.000-07:00

The first thing for a teacher to remember is that all the students who stand in her presence are as important as herself. A yoga teacher must remember that every student before her is the beloved. Whether we are teaching to one student or 100, we must practice the concept of Attiti. Attiti means, "That which is before you is divine."

As yoga teachers, we must practice yoga ourselves. We must learn that we are also the divine. Divine in each pose, in each breath, in each movement, and in each moment. A yoga teacher should be confident, clear, calm, clever, courageous, challenging, caring, considerate, cheerful, critical and committed. These are just a few qualities that come to mind. A yoga teacher must always be learning and have the humilty to acknowledge this.

On Monday, I taught a yoga class where only one student showed up. For me to sit up in front of this student and not appear to be dissapointed with the exceedingly low class turn out was impossible. I am painfully aware that I wear my emotions openly and I vaccilate between the need to keep my own frustrations and dissapointments hidden and the need for speaking the obvious and acknowledging what is truthful even if it is not ideal. The student who did come to my class on Monday is a very wise and sensitive student dedicated to her own yoga practice. To not aknowledge my truth in that moment felt false so I chose to acknowledge the lack of students, not make a big deal out of it, but name the elephant and move on.

In my centering that morning, I privately expressed gratitude for the one student who was there. One student or 100 students, it should not change my intention for teaching. I then did what I always do when I begin a class. I take a moment to center with my student(s) and privately set my intention for my teaching to be as pure as possible, to be exactly what my student (s) need, to teach from my best self, to let my pride, ignorance, and attatchment to self go. Still, even with the intention said and done, I felt a spark of attatchment, the voice of inadequacy, the tight fisted grip of suffering.

When I left the Samadhi Storrs Studio,that morning, I felt stuck. As I transitioned from the warm, dark and cozy studio out into the jewel bright sunshine of the day, I was struck by my unhappiness. My need for others to complete my identity. My need to control the events of the day, believing that the amount of students in my class plays back to me that I am worthy. I am significant. The need for others to validate my worth is an old tape that only leads to my own suffering and the need to cling for more control.

Today is Wednesday and I have had two days to process my Monday morning class. I have paid attention to other situations this week where I have needed validation through recognition from others and I have to admit, it is real and it is ugly. I like to think that this ugly is what my wise sage 11 year old daughter Emily would call, "ugly-beautiful." This is a jumping-off point for me to learn more about myself, for me to dive deeply into my darker places and emerge new. Earlier this week I wrote that where I am in any given moment is exactly where I am supposed to be.

Teaching to one student on Monday morning was exactly where I was supposed to be. Not as a wake-up call to examine my marketing and business skills, but as a wake-up call to examine my own happiness and the "old" patterns of sufferings that I continue to create. Acknowledging this need for external validation as a path I don't want to walk down anymore is the beginning of healing and change.

It is lessons like this that remind me that I am a child. We are all children, even the wisest of us. We are all five year olds learning how to do this precious thing called life. From my yoga practice, I am learning to laugh at my thoughts that keep me living so small. My yoga practice guides me to live in the unknown, hopefully leaving my need for control in the dust.

Today my walk away from teaching a class is much different step than the heavy steps I took on Monday. Today I notice life entering me as I walk away. Life continues to flow into me. Every step is where I am, even though it appears that I'm moving. How wonderful not to need the world, not to go out toward it, but to allow it to meet and enter me. I find that there's room in me for everything, everyone, every situation, every flavor of being. I love the openness that I am.

Trusting The Process Of Life-Headstand

2007-10-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

For the past week, I have been using a 5 minute timer. One of the postures I have been staying in for this somewhat intense and extended duration of a holding is headstand. Headstand, or sirsasana, is known as the "King of all postures." It is one of the postures usually associated with a yoga practice. It is an inversion. It is mind clearing. It is quiet. When performed correctly, it is light and it is ease.

Headstand is a posture very dear to me. When I first began practicing yoga and even when I was in my first years of teaching yoga, I never imagined that I would be able to get into this pose. I had tried to get into it many times. Without a teacher instructing me. I couldn't do it. I found it scary. What if I fell? (This was before I understood that you almost always have to fall to learn something new and wonderful.)

I found my inability to kick up into headstand frustrating. I would kick up and kick up from downward dog but I could never catch my core or get my "tuck." This was not a pose I did naturally as a child. Other postures that required strength had come easy to me. But not this one. I began to make up familiar stories for why this pose would never happen. My first story is an Anne classic. "I am just too fat to go into this posture. Headstand is for all of the very thin willowy yogis of which I am not." Then I would tell myself that it was ok that I would never get into headstand, that I was completely happy without it. After all, I was able to get into many impressive postures such as wheel and split.

Yet, in my yoga, something was missing. At the time, I was dedicated to practicing the Ashtanga Series at least 4 times per week. Everytime I watched one of my fellow yogis go into headstand, I could feel something missing in my body. I longed to be able to turn upside down. To raise my legs up over my head. Everytime I watched my fellow yogis slow down, concentrate and kick up into the headstand, I felt it somewhere deep inside me. I felt the pose and I felt the absence of the pose at the same time. My body intuitively understood the strength, stillness and ease which is the essence of headstand. My body was remembering something ancient and sacred. A feeling of movement and body wisdom that was imprinted deeply within my understanding. An understanding that goes deeper than my rational mind.

On September 14, 2001, I was at the Puck building in NYC with 200 other Ashtangi yogi's. We were taking a full Series 1 Ashtanga class with Pattaboi Jois as our teacher. Willam Defoe was on a yoga mat directly behind me. I was in the front row. When the time came up to go into headstand, I peeked back at the remainder of the room from my downward dog. I looked beyond my feet to see 200 yogis go up effortlessly into headstand, from their mats. The twin towers had just fallen days before. It was still early, 7:30 in the morning. Everyone in this room needed this practice to deal with the sadness and the chaos of living in this world immediately following 9/11. We were all practicing together. No one used a wall. It was beautiful. I told myself in that moment, that I would learn this awesome pose. No excuses.

It took less than a year, after that day in NYC, of practicing diligently before I learned headstand. It is such a feeling of exhileration the first time you get it. I still feel exhilerated and there is still a moment of trust each time I kick up. I have fallen in this pose, many times. I may not have always landed gracefully but I have never broken.

This week I have practiced headstand everyday for 5 minutes and it still does not have the ease that it had prior to my birth of Sadie. I practiced this pose until I was 33 weeks pregnant. I gave up the pose when she was no longer breach and had turned herself around. At that time, I instinctively knew it was time to let headstand go as I did not want to risk my baby turning herself back to the breach position. Since Sadie's birth, finding my comfortable headstand has been a slow process. I have had to trust that with a regular practice, my yoga will come back. It might be new and different but I must trust that the body will remember. Headstand requires a strong connection to the abdominals and an openness in the shoulders. Strong abdominals and open shoulders are still not quite where they were prior to Sadie and I must be patient. In yoga, it is not the end result but the journey or the process where all the gifts are to be found.

This week I have practiced headstand and am able to hold this awesome pose for 5 minutes without leaving. I have felt her qualities in my body. I have felt calm and clear and inspired. I have felt gratitude for making a choice, to learn this elegant pose 5 years ago in that remarkable instant after 9/11. I feel gratitude for my body and being able to inhabit it as fully as possible. No stories of being inadequate to keep me from fulfilling my own dreams.

up the mountain

2007-10-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

Being out in nature on such a sunny crisp day. Going up the mountain. That is my other practice. Going up the mountain is Sadie's practice as well. We have been hiking together up Case since she was 3 weeks old. Our daily weekday hike takes us about an hour and 1/2. During the first 12 weeks of Sadie's life, hiking was the only thing that soothed her. We have done as much bonding on our well worn path up the mountain as we have nursing in the wee hours of the night. For now, we will hike for as long as we can. Until the snow falls.

Today was exceptionally beautiful and we got a pleasant surprise....... We went with Daddy. He took this picture. Notice Sadie's sweater. I made it. Also, check out her 4 teeth.

2007-10-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

Blend Asana and Meditation for a Centering Practice

Students often ask me what my personal practice is like. TodayI describe my morning practice, straight from my sticky mat. Blending the meditation in to this degree is new to me. It felt really sweet.

Note on times: I actually used a clock to time these poses and meditations. I typically don't use a timer in my practice, but it worked well in this practice. For the most part, 5 minutes in a pose means holding the pose for 5 minutes, although this practice would work equally well if you need to rest and then re-enter the pose during the 5 minutes.

The selection and order of the asanas was spontaneous in the practice. I encourage you take the basic template of the practice - alternating long holds of challenging poses, long holds of relaxing poses, and 5-minute meditation periods - and substitute the poses that call to you in the moment.

5 minutes seated meditation in sukhasana.
5 minutes of breathing kriyas.
5 minutes downward facing dog.
5 minutes in seated forward fold (paschimottonasana).
5 minutes dolphin pose and variations.
5 minutes seated meditation in virasana.
5 minutes headstand.
5 minutes seated meditation in virasana.
5 minutes upward facing bow pose.
5 minutes reclining bound angle pose.
5 minutes meditation in a heart-opening, supported backbend (one blanket rolled under shoulder blades/midspine; one blanket rolled under knees, one folded blanket to slightly elevate the back of the head).
Savasana.

Total practice time: 1 hour. How I felt at the end of the practice: Centered, balanced, and inspired.

When I finished my practice, had released my savasana. I was still lying there. A luxurious moment at the beginning of a busy day. The light of day was just beginning to seep into my practice space illuminating the walls and ceilings. It was them that I heard the geese. At first I thought it was sea gulls and I was in a dream. But then it was the geese, flying to their second home. My body is my home. It is the only one I will ever know. The sound of the geese call out harsh and exciting. ( Mary Oliver) It is fall. A time of change.

My other realization on the mat today was that I clutter my life. My practice was so simple and spartan this morning and it felt right and authentic. I will write more about this later.

Full Moon

2007-10-26T03:20:00.001-07:00

Last night, the full moon was amazing. As I drove home in the early evening darkness from a 4:30pm yoga class with my daughter Sadie and my son Matthew in the car, I felt blessed on every level. There was finally a fall chill in the air. My cozy sweater was making sense and I was feeling right with the world. Content. In the moment. In my car, following the moon home and I had just practiced yoga. The effects of the practice had landed softly in my heart and bones. My brain was relaxed. My throat was relaxed. I was in a place of knowing and feeling.

I felt right, I felt new, I felt love. My children had just practiced yoga as well. Yes, even Sadie. While I held gentle warriors and triangles in the earth studio with Cynthia J. as the teacher, Caelum, the children's yoga teacher in the sun studio carried Sadie on his hip. As I heard the sound of my ujaii breath and was gently reminded to make this yoga practice right for me, I could here Sadie's cooing throught the walls of my studio. It was very faint, but I could here her calling out in excitement to the other kids as Caelum and Dawn taught yoga postures to 12 children of various ages. Many of them siblings like Matthew and Sadie. Both of my children were so content when we left Samadhi. Matthew couldn't wait to come back next week. He commented on how much he liked shavasana. Caelum had brought in his xylaphone and played this while the kids rested in corpse pose. After class, as we were putting our shoes on, Sadie was busy talking at everyone in the yoga studio who passed her by. She seemed to have a smile and/or advice for anyone who looked her way.

Everytime I see a full moon I am in awe. It's beauty and newness never wear itself out. It is the most patient presence I have ever observed. It's face is non-judgmental and kind. I find it puzzling to think of all the people that a full moon throws out of kilter. The full moon has a bad rap for lunacy. I don't get that. To me it has the opposite effect. A quality of stillness and steadyness coupled with an illumination of a presence I can only describe as the beloved.

Tonight, I think about the moon and how it is continuosly creating. I feel that way about my own yoga practice as well. No matter how shitty, cranky, ugly or out of sorts I am feeling when I begin my practice, I almost always feel different by the end of shavasana. I feel new, I feel love, I feel grateful to be alive. Everytime I bear witness to a full moon, I am in awe at it's beauty and simplicity. I do not take for granted that I have lived through another cycle. The full moon almost always surprises me. Catches me off guard. Takes me out of any self-doubt or pity. I do not keep track of ithe moon's patterns but I feel steady knowing that it cycles with or without my knowledge. I feel reassured knowing it will cycle long after I die. When I complete a yoga practice, it is the same sort of feeling. I feel a steadyiness about my existance. Anxieties and judgements have been cleansed away. I am brought done to my essentials. My blood moving through my veins, the beating of my heart, and my breath. All that matters is here in this moment. All that matters is love and in that moment of fullness I am able to pause.

I love this poem by Lalla. I have every word of it memorized in my body.

The Soul, like the moon,
is new, and always new again.

And I have seen the ocean
continuously creating.

Since I scoured mymind
and my body, I too, Lalla,
am new, each moment new.

My teacher told me one thing,
Live in the soul.

When that was so,
I began to go naked,
and dance.

2007-10-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

I am restless today. Was unable to do my yoga first thing this morning. This means that I will have to cut and paste my yoga practice into my afternoon. This will take some doing since I have a dentist appointment, hair appointment, business meeting and am responsible for carpooling kids to pottery class. I am also teaching Power at 6pm. I am also the cook and housekeeper today.

I was unable to practice my yoga this morning as Matthew went into work sometime in the middle of the night and Sadie has been up since 5:30am. Cutting a new tooth. Based on the amount of mucus and her bouts of crying, cutting a tooth must be painful. I let her nurse freely last night. Probably she nursed four to five times. I stopped counting and at some point surrendered over my sleep and my body so that she could have some good "mommy medicine."

When I have to alter my most basic needs such as sleep and yoga for my children, I like to think that the most secure and fearless children are the ones who were allowed to develop their inner core of strength over time. They're not the ones who had their bottles or blankets snatched from them prematurely in a misguided attempt to "toughen them up."

I like to believe that the time I invest into Sadie right now is building her mental and emotional resilience in the world. I like to believe that she is absorbing a sense of safety and seecurity at a cellular level from our middle of the night bonding. I like to believe that I am honoring my intuitive mother's wisdom and am doing what is right.

Having children, a healthy marriage, running a business, and operating as a well adjusted women who is capable of identifying and meeting her own needs is a process. When I doubt myself or sometimes wish I was in a different stage of my life, I rely on the words of Hafiz. "This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you."

2007-10-21T03:22:00.001-07:00

You may notice that there has been no blog entries for a week or so. Due to the difficulty of writing with an infant in the home combined with a strong hormonal flux, I have stayed away from publishing my blog entries. I did write, but I chose to keep them as a draft. For now anyways. In spite of it all, I practiced yoga every morning. On my familiar mat. At my studio or at my home and I am better for it. My hormonal rush has retreated and I feel like a normal human being again.

This is yesterday's entry:

I have tried to write about other things for this blog this past week, but at the end of each blog entry, I chose not to post the entries because they felt false. I wanted to sugar coat them so that each blog entry would be sweet and palatable but in the end this wasn't me. This morning I write what feels like a combination of truth with some niceness to make it palatable:

Each morning, the world is still dark outside when I begin my yoga practice, when I sit down on my mat with the word "beloved" written at my feet. The shades are drawn up and the glow of the street lights are my visual backdrop. The world is just waking up outside. Inside my studio, the fan of the heater hums and blows it gentle heat onto my yoga mat, assuring me that the room will soon be warm. A soft flute is playing on my ipod. There are no other sounds except for the familiary of my own yogic breathing.

As I connect with the texture and depth of my ujaii breath and begin to move slowly into my warm-ups, I become aware of a familiar uneasiness. I feel as if I am stepping into a dark cellar. One where I have been before-where the monster lives. In the pit of my belly, I sense a vague nagging and self-loathing feeling welling up inside of me. I hear the voices of shame telling me that I am not good enough. In my yoga practice, as I perform the slower and longer holdings of my warm-ups, these voices get extremely loud. They tell me the familiar- my body is fat and I am ugly and and I should be thinner and prettier. They tell me that the studio I am practicing in is going to fail. It should be better. The studio is going to fail all because of me. I never do anything right. I never do enough. These ugly thoughts don't seem to go away unless I begin to practice my yoga strong and hard. Sun Salutations A's and B's with lions. Deep lunges burning my thighs coupled with handstands and wheels. Sweat needs to be dripping off my body onto my mat. I need to feel spent in every muscle in my body and then the thoughts retreat, at least for the moment.

Do these feelings of inadequacy really retreat? No of course not. They show up again and again and during my day, I manage to find ways to ignore or numb them. Sometimes it is with food, sometimes it is with more self blame. Sometimes, it is with blaming others for my uncomfortable feelings. It wasn't that long ago that I used to believe that someone was going to come and rescue me. If my saviour didn't show up then I would go into my "if only" cycle. If only my house was completely organized and clean, if only I get my body at the perfect weight, if only I got every bit of my life in perfect financial order, if only, if only, of only. Sometimes, I choose not to numb these feelings at all and ride them like a wave. The intensity eventually subsides but they do come back. They come back to say, "Here I am, I am the ugliness, I am the dark sister, the monster that resides deep inside. Now deal with me."

At some point during my childhood, I believe I learned to separate myself from emotional and physical needs. I do not think I am alone on this and I feel that society expects girls and women to put her needs second especially if it will make someone else uncomfortable. The unfortunate result of this is that I do not always recognize what I am feeling and what I need. Yoga can be challenging for me because it brings me face-to-face with my emotions-not always an easy place to be. Lying still on my yoga mat with no place to go, nothing to achieve, and no one to impress, there's nothing to stop my emotions, sensations, and feelings from coming to the surface. Sometimes this can be exhilerating and sometimes this can be frightening.

The connections between thoughts, feelings and language are formed at an early age. It is during this time that a child learns to think about right and wrong and also to feel these concepts in her body. Healthy connections between thoughts, feeling, language and the physical body are essential for a child to be able to express her thoughts and feelings out loud-and also to know which thoughts and feelings support her fully and which don't.

Our yoga mats offer us a safe place to explore our feelings. This starts on a physical level with the body. Today I stayed in a deep Warrior 1 for over ten breaths. As always, when I connect with the breath and physicality of the pose, I learn that I can stay in the pose and be fine-even when it feels uncomfortable, even when I want to bail or run away. I relearn each time that I don't have to act on every impulse, that I can be patient and that I can trust my body to tell me what it needs.

The body is the first place in which we feel emotions. Fear is embodied as a sinking sensation in the solar plexus, a stomachache, sweaty palms, or a racing heart. Anger may be accompanied by clenced fists, overall muscle tension, and a red face, or a scowl. The key to a lifetime of emotional and physical health is being able to name the emotion and, evetually, the event or thought that prompted that emotion in the first place.

The emotion needs to be validated and felt fully. It will then move through the body spontaneously once its message is heeded. Very often, once the emotion is named and vaildated, a spontaneous solution to the problem or situation will arise.

This week I went into some of my dark places. Familiar, ugly, and filled with shame. This week I practiced my yoga anyways. I feel as if the darkness has moved on and out. I understand that some of this is a cycle. I have confronted what has been building up inside of me over the past month. I have felt it, I have let it live and let it release. I feel new today. Alive, sexy, creative, and energized. Thank you yoga for letting me stay in the process, for allowing me to give attention to the shadow side of me. Thank you yoga for letting me be merciful to my dark sister.

Beloved-Days 4 and 5

2007-10-17T02:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend was yoga teacher training. A chunk of 21 teaching hours blended together. Matthew and I usually leave this weekend feeling fulfilled yet tired to the bone. This weekend was no different. I did get my yoga practice in each morning. Although Sunday was kind of thin on the yoga but I will count the jala neti, which by the way really helped what felt like the beginning of a cold or sinus infection. Amazingly, that bit of underlying sickness is gone.

This weekend I was a yogic warrior. I was the one who painted war paint lovingly and meticulously on cheeks and eyes and lips. Stroke by stroke, each one purposeful. Each stroke a vivid reminder of who I am and what is important to me. Did I actually paint my face this weekend with the blood of berries and plants? No, of course not. But I did do something totally out character. In the middle of my yoga practice on Saturday morning, I found myself compelled to pick up the permanent black magic marker that I had noticed the day before behind the Samadhi desk.

I took this marker and with breath, introversion, concentration and meditation all seeming to happen simultaneously, I wrote the word “Beloved” across the top of my yoga mat. I felt truly freed by writing this. Before I began writing, I had no idea what I was going to put down on the mat, I only knew that something was wanting to get out and express itself. Loud.

When I practice yoga and I understand that I am the beloved and that all that I can see and know is also the beloved, I am peaceful. Yoga performed with this type of sensitivity is infinite times more beneficial that yoga practiced without. My breath awareness deepens, my connection to my “witness” is so immediate. Perhaps by swearing this union and loyalty to the beloved on my yoga mat, I can make this transition smoother to the everday. I can remember that I and all those that I love are also the beloved.

The wise proclaim that love is the only path. Only love can bring unity and remove the separation between all living beings. Only love purifies the body and mind. Love is not far away. It is only as far away as my heart. You can find it in your heart without taking a single step. Love is my only path. I am, in fact, a warrior on the path of love.

I am not inadequate in any way- Day 3

2007-10-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today’s practice began at 5am. I could not sleep because I was concerned that I would over sleep. My mind was also reviewing the full day ahead which included a ribbon cutting ceremony, teaching two yoga classes, banking, grocery shopping, and 3 hours of yoga teacher training. In addition to this, my babysitting was not lined up for the weekend. This is a very big deal for me and creates a tremendous amount of anxiety. On yoga teacher training weekends, Matthew and I work 21 hours in addition to the 5 hours I am all ready scheduled to teach .

I started my morning tripping through a dark house at 5 am, praying that I would not wake Sadie, who was sleeping in our living room until she learns how to sleep through the night. I got to the yoga room without waking Sadie, without falling over random objects such as books and shoes, left out of place in the dark. I flipped on too bright lights because the candles were not where they were supposed to be. I propped myself down on the yoga mat and like my fat white cat (whom I adore), I sprawled myself on my back.

I felt stiff. I felt shackled to tiredness. I did a totally organic practice with a minimal of holding and movement. I was a puddle on the floor. As I observed my body, it felt like someone elses. No that was not true, it felt like mine. Tired and resistant. This morning, I wanted my body to be somebody else’s body.

An hour passed. In all of the forward folds, I went in and out of consciousness and eventually ended the practice with my face planted down on my mat. The portable heat was cranking and the warmth was undeniably seductive. My eyelids were weighted and I think I may have drooled on the yoga mat more than once. So.... I called this morning’s practice a "yin" practice and I am deeming it “enough.”

I am not inadequate in any way because I practiced gently this morning. I am not inadequate in any way because I practiced gently this morning. Now, I only have to believe this.

Good Morning.

Bell of Mindfulness

2007-10-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

Last night, my wise teacher said to me, “I have an idea for you. I have a strategy to help you become as mindful as possible over the next 108 days with your yoga of relationships.” My teacher, like myself, was not as concerned with my ability to actually practice the asana practice over the next 108 days. I have done that before. Maybe not an actual counting of 108 days but I have had a regular morning practice for months at a time with only a few mornings off each week. Mostly these mornings off were so that Matthew could go into work early. Or I might choose to hike instead of practice yoga for the morning knowing that I could sneak a class in later at the studio. So, in my experience, taking a morning off from yoga practice is because I know that I will get to practice later that day or it is a sacrifice that I make for others. In addition to my love and need of an actual physical practice, I only have to jump in my car and drive 5 minutes to get to my own brand new and beautiful yoga studio or, if I can’t make it to the studio, I certainly can make it to the small yet sweet yoga room in my house. Combine my strong need for physicality in my body plus the availability of accessible yoga space with and an ability to wake up early, before the rest of my clan and I feel strongly I should succeed. My morning yoga ritual is this: light some nag champa, roll out my mat, plug in my ipod and I am ready to go. So with the physical part of the 108 days of yoga being the part with ease, it is the yoga of relationship that scares me.

It was either Eleanor Roosevelt or my mother who said, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” For me-being present and being mindful with myself and others is where I fear I shall fail. I know there should be no judgement here. This is yoga. But still.

My teacher says that I should set a bell to ring through out the day. This is a Buddhist practice. Each time the bell rings-this is a message- for me- to slow down and breathe and allow myself to experience the moment, the here and now. Whether I am folding laundry, cooking, driving kids around, talking on my phone or changing a diaper, I can take a deep breath and slow down. Learn to accept the moment, than I can let go and surrender and allow myself to feel “santosha” the yogic word for contentment.

If I pay attention, mundane occurances seem to happen with some sort of cosmic order beyond my understanding. Last night, my teacher tells me to create a "bell of mindfulness," and this morning I was awakened by a strange beeping sound. In my semi-awakened state, I asked myself, “Is this my mindfulness bell?” If it is, it is so annoying. Where is it coming from? It is only 4am. This is a mean bell for going off at such an early time. I located the beeping sound, which had been going off every minute for at least 10 minutes, and found that it belonged to a dying cell phone deep in the heart of my house. Pitch black, early in the morning, on the first day of my 108 day practice, I felt a sense of despair and pity for myself wallow up big inside me. I had only been asleep for 3 hours. I had nursed Sadie at 1am and had difficulty falling back asleep. The fat cat was hungry and her bowl was empty. Why was I the only one who heard the dying cell phone? Why do I have to feed the fat cat every morning?

I heard my teacher’s voice, “Take a deep breath Anne, maybe this is a sign. Start your mindfulness practice right now. Take a deep breath and begin right now.”

My practice was wonderful this morning. I was joined by Jude, Nikki and Michelle. We started out slow with some gentle udianna bahnda and kumbaka. This morning was the first time since Sadie has been born that I felt my familiar uddiana in my body. I haven’t been able to feel the seal inside and I have been ever patient waiting for it to reemerge. Eventually we moved into downward dogs on the wall and handstand. I was surprised how light handstand felt this morning. I am always pleasantly surprised when handstand feels light.

The biggest gift in my morning practice was shoulderstand. (Honestly, I think Headstand is so much more delightful than shoulderstand.) I do not love shoulderstand. I do not look forward to it and, if I am truthful, I only practice it when I am asked to or confronted with the fact that I have not done a shoulderstand in a long time, like maybe a shoulderstandfree month has passed me by.

This morning –shoulderstand was different. This morning, full shoulderstand felt just as it should. It felt light and open. I felt grounded and tall. I felt perfectly aligned. I was surprised and full of awe. Maybe shoulderstand had so much ease today because I went up into it from bridge. Maybe it was because of the re-emergence of my uddiana and light handstands. Maybe it was because of the beeping of the dying cell phone? Whatever the reason, I am thankful for the ease in a posture that I have preconceived ideas about struggle and difficulty. Maybe my built up fear about my ability to handle mindfulness with relationships and my world around me is just that- built up. A castle built up into the air with no earth to ground it.

Circle In The Sand-Preparing For The 108 Days Ahead.

2007-10-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

October 9, 2007

Now, more than ever, I am drawn to practicing yoga. Ironically, now, more than ever, is the most challenging time for me to practice yoga. Maybe this is because of my own talent of taking on too many things at once or maybe this is because of things that I have no control over. As a yogi, I realize the value in letting go of blame and to be truthful. At this point in my life, at 41, there are more obstacles in the way of me carving out time for a daily yoga practice than ever before. The truth is that this is a problem. A problem for myself and a problem for those that rely on me, that love me, that need me to be present, kind and caring. I know I need a change. I have known for a while that I need a change. I need a large quantity of the purist quality yoga shot up in my arm. Piercing my skin, running through my starving veins and permeating into every cell of my body. Only then will I be able to breathe.

This is not the first time I have felt this way. This has happened before. There are many times when I have let life get chaotic and spiral way out of control until all of my essential structure gets pounded down by the raging waves of the ocean. I become tired. My yoga practice gets soft. My ability to take care of myself through meditation, writing, healthy eating, and thoughtful communication becomes almost non-existent. I begin to self destruct. I begin to feel inadequate and see only the inadequacies in those that I love and the world around me. I do an excellent job of combining self-abuse with self-neglect and then I fall apart. Am I there right now? At my self-destructive place? No, not even close. Thank God. But I am on my way. I could go there. In a moment, if I let it. The conditions are right for the eventual spiraling down. I feel the familiarity. Fortunately, I have a strong foundation of yoga in my life right now and because of this foundation-I can hear the voices underground. I can hear what I could not hear before I practiced yoga. I can hear the wise voice buried deep inside speaking to me-telling me that I have the tools to change this. I listen.

In the past, when I start to feel this familiar pull into the spiral of self-loathing and continuous overwhelment, I usually attend a yoga workshop. I go away. I go away by myself, most likely to Kripalu, and practice intensely for one week. Nobody to take care of but me. The week feels like a couple of hours. In the car on the way home, I feel changed. I smile at the people taking my tickets at the tolls on the Mass Pike. I crank up Krishna Das and chant at my loudest right until I pull into my driveway. I empty my mass of dirty yoga clothes dutifully into my washer. I have arrived back into my beloved home surrounded by my dear ones. I come back to my same life feeling recharged and that some pretty good yoga that has taken “root” inside my body. I feel the “bhava” or love of living my life. I not only see the glass as ½ full but I feel it and drink it. Sometimes I get drunk on it. I practice embracing the “fullness” of my life. These yoga retreats can usually get me through 6 months of my life. For 6 months, I can deal.

Sometime during this unseasonably warm fall, as the trees burn their fall colors into my mind and surrender to their own natural rhythm, as the afternoon sun beats down on pavement, as I fill my environmentally correct shopping bag with native squash and overripe tomatoes, I realize that I am barely “dealing” with my needs. I am not connected with my own rhythms, with the rhythms of this earth and the sacredness of the everyday. Fall is the time where I usually feel the most alive and vulnerable. Instead I am thick dust stuck to the forgotten and there is no Kripalu to rescue me this time around. There is no place for me to flee to- I have way too much going on: new studio, Matthew’s new business and a 7 month old baby who is obviously thriving attached to my breast at every chance she gets.

It occurs to me in obvious ways- I need to change. This time I cannot go away to do this. I need to revitalize myself and it occurs to me that I can. I must do this now and I do not need to leave my life to get the self-care that I am so low on. It occurs to me that it’s about time I find the nutrients in my own dirt. Be organic in my own practice and buy local. I can get what I need by going no further than my own “PVC free” luscious yoga mat.

So, I choose to practice yoga for 108 days. 108 is an auspicious number. A lifetime of reasons-none of which I pretend to understand rationally. But intuitively I understand the 108 beads stranded by hand on the sandalwood mala. 108 beads to touch, one by one, under my fingers. Each bead , a sweet inhale and exhale, a connection to life force, to prana, to being in the moment. I commit to practicing for 108 days in a row-not just the asanas but yoga in every way. I am drawn to the possibility of practicing yoga in every aspect of my life. The biggies are obvious: my relationship with myself, with my loved ones, and my surroundings. The subtleties are not so. I want to slow down. I want to slow down. That is the most profound and most challenging gift I can give myself. I want to create intention in everything that I do. I want to acknowledge the sacredness of the everyday, the mundane, the beautiful and the ugly that is right in front of me. There is no other way out. There is no one out there who is going to come in and rescue me. Not Matthew, my children, my therapist, my mother, my students, my teachers, or my friends. I have to do this myself. I have to draw my own circle in the sand.

With this said- to my family, my loved ones, my friends, and those that support me- I am drawing my circle in the sand. The circle is my boundary so that I can have the space and time to practice on my mat each morning at 6 am. The need for the boundary is essential to my success of completing a 108 day practice. What I need to feel full and whole becomes increasingly clear. I need to make the time, no matter what, to connect with what really matters to me. Being grateful, being in my breath, being in my body, being in nature, being creative, being fully alive. These are all the things I need but I don’t always know it. Instead I think I need a clean house, a chocolate chip cookie, a visit to my email, a new pair of shoes. None of these things ultimately work in the long run. I have learned that only I can change this. Only I can create meaning and intention in my life. There is no other way out. I have to draw my own circle in the sand.

So here I am….standing with arms open. I am scared and hopeful at the same time. I am at the threshold of 108 days. The completion of this 108 day yoga practice will bring me to Saturday, January 26, 2008. A new year. The middle of winter. A time where introspection and turning inward aligns with the winter season. I look forward to this process of meeting the yoga mat at 6 am, no matter what, every morning. Seven days per week. I also look forward to blogging it, to be open to what expresses itself, what traces of the practice will reveal itself in the written word. I also welcome your responses as well. I feel a bit strange about putting this out there so publicly but at the same time, I am a yoga teacher committed to teaching from my own direct experience and I seek to learn from others who are out there being real, authentic, honest and open about their connection to healing and what is sacred.

108 days of yoga stretch out before me. A path to take and where it will lead me-I do not know, nor do I care. It is the process I seek; the commitment, the discipline, the mindfulness, the love, the sweetness, the surrender. Each journey begins with one step, so they say.

Sacred Space

2006-01-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

Sacred Space, Sacred Experience

When I decided to open a yoga studio in Manchester ,CT in the summer of 2001, I set out to create an environment where people would feel comfortable and relaxed the moment they walked in. I wanted a place where students could release the concerns of their day-to-day lives and connect with Self and Spirit in a deep and satisfying way. I wanted the town I grew up in and the people who live in it to have a place where they could arrive and feel safe and change and grow. I wanted to help change my town. Help it to become more open and accepting. Help it to heal. I wanted to create a supportive place for health and spirit.

I found the studio that is now Samadhi Yoga Studio with large windows that allowed soft light to filter into the room on a very hot and humid summer day. The room had been abandoned and unloved for some time. The cheap gray carpet was stained and ripped. The ceiling tiles and walls were yellowed with cigarette smoke. There was dust in every corner. The room smelled musty. It looked sad. I sat in the middle of the room and looked around and can remember feeling a tingling in my belly and knew that this would be the place. I had looked at other places and none were right. This one might not be either but it felt right. I saw and felt yoga in this room.

During those summer months, my (now ex) business partner and myself took great pains in choosing paint colors and carpet and light fixtures. The sweat of my loved ones, teachers, students and friends all went into this room. (I will be forever thankful to Marisa Chirico, Tracey and Gymm Jackson-Morey and Jack Lynch for all that they did.) We thought about installing mirrors and decided not to. Instead, as a final thought, we purchased a small statue of Shiva Nataraj and placed him on a wooden altar near one of the windows, surrounded by candles and flowers. Marisa sculpted a statue of me sitting in lotus. I placed it in the back of the room where it would always face me reminding me of my potential whenever I doubt it.

In those early days of Samadhi, the space that is now my studio felt like it could have been a small program room at Kripalu. To me- it felt like home. And yet, the process of creating sacred space had just begun.

Yoga teachers often use the term “sacred space” to describe the mood and physical environment of the room in which a yoga class takes place. But sacred space has more to do with the way we as teachers relate to our students and the feelings of safety and acceptance we convey.

At the heart of sacred space are the ultimate aims of the practice of yoga. As Patanjali wrote, “The practice of Yoga includes physical and mental discipline (tapas), self study (svadyaya) and spiritual attunement (Ishvarapranidhana). “ (Note- Kim A.-I know the last one is your favorite.) Sacred space supports the practice of yogic techniques and disciplines: warm-ups, asana, pranayama, relaxation and meditation. And even more important is a safe environment for self-exploration and attunement to Spirit.

Consider the yoga classes you take. Most of these classes emphasize a practice that is primarily physical and willful. In this context, sacred space may feel quite different than it does in a class that focuses on longer holding with deeper awareness and attunement. If the lights are on and no music is playing, is the space any less sacred? Of course not. If the practice focuses on details and alignment, can students still have a sacred experience? I say yes.

Sacred space is much more than the physical environment. Consider the following variables and the choices we make around them.

The Students- Who are they? What are they familiar and comfortable with?

Intentions- What is the teacher’s intention’s for the class? What would the teacher like his or her students to receive from their class? What does the teacher wish to experience him or herself? Does the teacher have their own personal practice or is the teacher using their class time for that?

Safety- What will help this particular group of students feel comfortable? What information does the teacher need to convey to help them feel safe? How does the teacher introduce new or unfamiliar concepts in safe and non-threatening ways? What do the students need to know to protect themselves?

Setting the tone- Does the teacher create a space of quietness and safety for healing to take place? Are there pockets of quiet time for the student to hear their own breath and to sink into the experience? Does the teacher use permission language to let students know that everything you do in yoga is ultimately choice? Does the teacher ask you to not judge or compete with self and others?

Group Bonding-Students can dive into sacred experience more easily when they know who is with them on the journey. Are their opportunities for them to get to know each other? Tea after class, a waiting room before class, partner work, sharing or a simple greeting to each other? These things do matter.

Rituals –Rituals have been used for ages to create sacred experience or to transition from the ordinary to the extraordinary experience of connection to Self and Spirit. A ritual can be as simple as sitting for a moment in silence. A ritual can be traditional or self created by the teacher. It should be non-threatening and not associated with any religion unless the teacher is teaching in a religious setting. A ritual planned for a workshop or retreat would be very different than a ritual planned for a group of business people practicing yoga in the workplace.

Attention to Awareness- Details and alignment are important and necessary. Yet if the teacher only speaks of these more superficial aspects, the students might miss the deeper meaning of the practice. An “in tune” teacher starts with awareness of the body in response to those details, by using phrases such as “Extend your arms overhead and feel.” An “in tune” teacher might guide a forward fold such as Yoga Mudra by saying, “Take a moment to reflect on the areas of your life where you may need to develop humility or surrender to something greater than yourself.”

Integration and closure- Does the teacher allow enough time at the end of class for students to come out of relaxation slowly and sit for a few minutes of pranayama and/or meditation? The energy in the room at this time can be almost palpable. Students who have gone deep into their experience are open and receptive. As most of us know, this is a beautiful time for inspirational readings, affirmations, chanting and prayers. Are students encouraged to take their time transitioning out of the room and perhaps to maintain silence for a while after class?

The fact that students come to class signifies an intention to learn. As teachers, we facilitate that learning process not by delivering a lot of information, but by being fully present and accepting. My intention for creating Samadhi Yoga Studio was to create an environment where people feel relaxed and open, everything happening in the moment is absorbed fully, without analysis and without any conditions placed on the experience by the mind.

Learning something new is a leap into the unknown and that requires an amount of trust in the hearts and the minds of our students. My responsibility as a studio owner and teacher is to provide the safety and encouragement for the students of Samadhi Yoga Studio to make leaps beyond their usual comfort zone.

Namaste.

The Tantric Path

2006-01-16T04:33:00.000-08:00

Many yoga traditions reject the material world as unreal and the life of the body as a distraction. This is the realization of neti-neti, the way of negation, literally translated as "not this, not this." Leave the body and leave the material world behind. Think of the skinny guys in the cave or maybe you heard about the person who walked away from their corporate job and went off to an ashram and was never heard from again. Or maybe, you have contemplated walking away from your own life.

Their are many yogic and religious traditions that believe:

I am not this body and its sensations.
I am not this mind and its thoughts and desires.
I am not even intuition or insight.
I am pure spirit.

This is the view that sees the material world as an illusion and human embodiment as a fall from grace in which Spirit becomes trapped in matter. The goal of these approaches is to drop the body and leave the world behind.

Personally there are many days where I go to my mat and want to leave this body and world that can disappoint me. Personally there are times when I feel that this world is cruel and hard and on a path of self destruction.

So how do I embrace my yogic path. The path to Tantra. Tantric yogis believe in "spirit" or a "oneness" underlying all of the creation. The actual word tantra means "web" like threads in a tapestry. As yogis of a tantric tradition, we embrace that oneness or "spirit" but we believe it manifests in the material world as well. We believe that it cannot be separate. It is woven together and the material world naturally flows out of spirit and is always co-existing with Spirit. In simpler terms, the material world and the spirit world are separate but one does not exist with out the other.

So, in Tantra, Spirit is in this physical world and the yogi embraces the whole of life as the outward manifestation of the invisible Spirit.

A willful yoga practice is a Tantric path. It guides us to experience the unity of matter and spirit reflected within us as body and mind. Consider a long holding of demanding posture such as bridge pose. As you enter the posture, you breathe and relax to stimulate the flow of energy and sensation through the body. Next you feel, focusing the mind on the flowing sensations. Watching, you observe your inner experiences as a witness developing concentration and entering the state of meditation. The final step is to allow. This is the essence of Tantra. You accept your experience as it is, dropping the need to change it in any way, and realize the truth that, at our essence we are all amazing, we are divine.

When your yoga mat is a prison cell

2006-01-12T17:45:00.000-08:00

My yoga mat was my prison cell today. As soon as the teacher began to ask us to follow her lead in pranyama- I wanted out. Out of the room, out of the studio, out of my life. I knew if I walked out the door, it would shatter the mood of the classroom. Create a drama. Be bad form. So I stayed. I stayed and I observed myself struggling and resisting. I was the animal in the cage. Wild and frenzied and alone. At the end of practice, I meditated. Life is telling me to surrender. I want to. I just don't know how. I don't know what I need. I don't know.

Writing group was today. It was a much needed diversion.

This is what I wrote. The prompt was "dirty mugs" A wierd prompt that probably originated because there is a sign in the community room that says "dirty mugs" for people to put their used mugs after tea.

"Dirty Mugs"

Dirty mugs, slimy mugs, mugs with the remnants of my coffee. Mugs with gum wrappers embedded in sticky substances. Dirty mugs adorning my car dashboard, my coffee table, my kitchen counter and my fireplace mantle which burns brightly and scortches my cat's whiskers-only at the ends.

My cat lifts her head in defiance. The ends of her whiskers glow bright orange. A cigarette ember drops down turning into ash. Just as my mother did. Her death too soon like this day-too warm for winter. Smells and feels and sounds like spring. Snow is melting and dying. Spring is still months away.

I am waiting for a rebirth. Birth myself out of this shit I wallow in. Out of complacency, anger and self loathing that turns my skin to grey, my thoughts to stale bread, and my eyes to ginger.

Dirty mugs litter my house. This clutter must stay around me. Keep me from clarity for when I am clear I must ramble. I must show myself. Naked and vulnerable. Flesh that can be pierced and prodded. Holes that can leak onto the floor. Their substance unidentifiable. I have come to the edge and there I stood and looked down. And there I stood and looked down.

It was my own reflection that looked back at me and she closed her eyes. She was too tired to stay awake.

Dirty mugs comfort me when I am tired. I feel like I have finally fallen.

I thought this yoga was all about inner peace anyways......

2006-01-10T03:07:00.001-08:00

It has been a month since I have reallistically considered writing in this thing. Thank you to those of you who have asked me to resume writing. It feels strange and pleasurable to realize that somebody out there actually reads my blog. It has been a crazier than usual month with the end of year fiscal stuff, a new and cumbersome schedule due out the door on January 1, a trip to Brazil with visa hoops to jump through, and the holiday season.

I'm not going to get into great detail about the things that have been happening on the homefront but let me just say that we had major reconstruction happening to our home during the month of December and my parents moved into my house on December 20( They will live with us 4 months out of the year) and Matthew is still unemployed............

I want to write about yoga and why I so desperately cannot function without it. I know it has saved me over the past month. Saved me every time I have gotten on my mat, every time I have closed my eyes, every time I have heard my own ujjaii breath and let it fill me. My breath has filled me when I was overwhelmed, when I was tired, bitchy and scared.

Yes, I have been scared. I am the one with the lifelong companion of self doubt and anxiety. I am the one who hears the voices that she is not good enough. My voices say, "What are you doing? Running a studio? You will fail. You have too many classes, are not organized enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not kind enough, etc. " My voices say, "You will never be able to hold it together while Matthew is unemployed. You will never be a good enough mother, daughter, friend. You are a fraud. You are irresponsible. You are selfish. You are out of your mind for the choices you make. "

As I write down these words, it is important for me to say that I am not looking for sympathy. I am not looking for compassion even. I am just stating that these feelings of anxiety and self loathing are something that I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. I know that I am not alone.

When I first heard about the re-emergence of yoga, sometime in the mid 90's, I did not pay attention to the claims of "inner peace and happiness" that yoga experts claimed would be a direct result of this ancient practice. As a matter of fact, I thought that "inner peace" was something to run away from. Something that keeps you mediocre, keeps you from facing life, from growing, from competing. I really believed that "inner peace" was for slackers and people who couldn't deal with life. This was based on my longstanding belief that life was hard and unfair and I was not born with a silverspoon in my mouth. I was not born rich or beautiful or smart or talented. It was my belief that anything I had going for me in my life was because I had fought for it. At the time (pre yoga), this included a 100lb. weight loss, the most beautiful baby in the world, a loving supportive husband, and a modest home. I also believed that anything I had going for me could be lost in an instant if I let it. If I got complacent. I had to constantly be on my toes. Eat right-no mistakes. Exercise every day-no time off ever. Never complain as a mother. Do it all . Clean everything. Never complain. Smile. Smile. Protect everyone. Protect everything I have. It can be lost in an instant. It would be my fault. My fault.

I remember the first time I tried yoga. On a cold and dusty hardwood floor with the most beautiful ceilings from which white lights and ivy garlands were wrapped around wooden beams. Late afternoon light streaming through tall windows. Trees blowing in the winter wind. Loreena Mckennit played on in the background coming from a small cd player. My teachers' voice was male and had a strong european accent. His ujjaii breath was loud and powerful and as a teacher he used the tool of this sound far more than verbal direction.

I was not on that yoga mat for inner peace. I was there for the burning in my thighs in a super long holding of bridge pose. I was there for the edginess I felt in my hips in badha konasana, for the fear I felt in shoulderstand. I was there to push, I was there to feel. I was there to feel. I was there because this was new and different and I was exhausted from my daily routines. and I didn't know this because I was not allowing myself to feel anything but the pressure of the voices.

As some of you may have experienced, when you first come to yoga, instead of finding inner peace you might find chaos. You might come to head to head with stuff you had not been dealing with. Yoga can be confrontational and scary. It can shatter what you hold onto dearly. I think this is what happened to me. I held on to believing I could never be good enough and that life was unfair and cruel and unsafe. In this yoga class, I held on, I held on and stayed present in the longest holding of bridge pose. Yes my thighs were burning and my lungs were burning, but somewhere in the middle of a bridge pose, I let energy and sensations rise, I stayed present in my body and allowed the waves to rise, crest and dissipate. Riding out these powerful waves -I let myself fully in and I found my witness. My witness held the space for me to know that I was good enough. That I had always been good enough. My life was good enough. This world is good enough or not good enough and it doesnt' matter anyways because I am ok. Everything is ok. I am absolutely ok.

Thank you yoga for the witness. Thank you for forcing me to see the havoc and lies that my "inner critic" played and still can play in my life. Thank you for showing me that the voice of "shame" is a liar. Thank you "witness" for bringing in light and clarity to my mind and helping me untangle a complex web of egocentric thinking, emotional pattering, rigid comparmentalization and other self-limiting and destructive thoughts to my authentic self.

Thank you witness for mending me and making me whole. Thank you for letting me know that I am not seperate or alone. Thank you for letting my suffering fall away.

This is why I return to my mat.

Early Morning

2005-12-12T03:47:00.000-08:00

I love early morning. I adore the first snow fall. I am grateful for this earth.

Early Morning

Life emerges new here.
It's early morning breath
pinkens the sky
lingering over soft mountains
offering up
simplicity.

The silence of snow looming
relinquishing the first flurry
of early winter.
Each delicate flake
a child dancing,
playful in their wake.

I watch from the inside
sipping hot chammomile
aware of my presence
in this world.
My ability to slide
into the steam of my tea,
the blood of my hands
into each flake of snow
arriving safely
on expectant ground.

sometimes

2005-11-28T02:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes anxiety just is. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and plays on my bones like a computer screen that will never turn off. I toss and turn and surrender to restlessness. I feel unsafe and nothing will be all right. My brain will not slow down.

It is now 5 am. A new day and I am off to practice yoga. I can only hope that the yoga button will reset me. How can I do my life differenly right now? How can I release the tension that consumes me?

Off to yoga. In the cold. Scrape the frost. Hold my breath the whole way. Just me on a mission.

For now,
Anne

what matters

2005-11-21T04:33:00.000-08:00

We are coming upon the season of busyness. A holiday season that every commercial and magazine cover suggests be spent with family and friends. As a mother of two and business owner, this holiday season is a time where I want the season to be memorable for my children and free of stress for my family members and students and employees. A holiday season filled with details, yummy food, wonderful presents, family get togethers, plays, and parties. This is just to name a few of the things that are going on for me. The holidays are a time that can be filled with lots of love, both giving and receiving. As wonderful as the holiday season can be, it can also be a time that I find myself being externally driven, eating and doing too much, feeling lonely in spite of all the commotion and sometimes disappointed by those that I love.

Over the past week, at the end of each yoga session, I have asked my students to envision themselves over the next month or so. To envision what it is each one of us wants to bring into our lives during this festive time. This could be a quality such as grace or courage or strength or peace. In my own case, whenever I close my eyes and ask what is important to me over the next month or so, I keep returning to the same answer. To stay connected to myself. To stay connected to my center.

Fortunately I know what it is I need to stay connected to myself. I have learned this through my daily practice of listening to my body. My body doesn't lie. My body asks me to continue my simple practices of walking, yoga, knitting, and cooking healthy nutritious foods. To continue these practices even when the business of the seasons begs for me to let my own practices go so that I can get everything "done," so that all the details of the season are neatly and efficiently taken care of.

It is interesting to me that other things don't show up. Being a busy mom of two wonderful children, I would expect that spending quality time with my children would present itself as a possibility for making this holiday season the best it can be. Or with my husband. Since I am hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house, perhaps an intention such as creating the most wonderful atmosphere and nurturing foods for my family and friends should be the intention that shows up for me. What about orchestrating a holiday atmosphere for the students and staff at Samadhi Yoga Studio? All of these things are also important and I do spend time strategizing how to do these things but ultimately I always come back to these things feeling like pressure.

One thing I have learned is that when something feels like pressure, either in my mind or in my body, that I must listen to the pressure. I must find ways to do things differently so that it doesn't feel like pressure. This is essential for my self preservation and my happiness. The self permission to slow down, check in with myself and question anything that feels like "pressure" is certainly in conflict with the subtle puritanical ethics I was brought up with. Probably this is in conflict with our western society's ethics.

I am drawn to my yoga practice. As I go through each pose, the alignment or the visble container is important. But what is most important is how the posture feels from the inside. Can I breathe comfortably? Can I breathe in the most equisite energy? Can I honor my body's need for shifting subtly in the posture for ease and comfort? Do I need to come out of the posture or do I need to stay grounded and breathe into the discomfort?

Over the next month or so, my daily practice is to listen to my body. Listen to what feels like pressure and if it does, where is this showing up for me? Is it showing up in tension in my jaw or my shoulders? Is it showing up in my actions such as unconscious eating or gossiping. How can I eliminate the pressure? Can I do things differently? Can I find ways to nurture myself so that I don't partipate in habits that take me away from my center. Habits that might feel good in the moment to relieve my pressure but ultimately chip away at me feeling relaxed inside.

When I am relaxed inside, I am real. I am my truest self. I am happy. This season, I recognize that I need some essential and simple things for me and me alone to be relaxed. I need to practice my yoga. I need to get my body outdoors in nature. Walking or hiking is perfect. I need to nurture my body with healthy foods and adequate sleep. I find my knitting very relaxing and meditative and I need to make space in my life for this as well. If I let myself get so busy that these simple practices fall away, than I am doing too much and I am not honoring what I need to feel relaxed and whole. Everything, especially taking care of others, begins to feel like pressure. When I am not honoring myself- my family and my students will not be honored by me as well.

My simple practices are important to me.

I would love to hear how you plan to honor yourself this season. What inward practices you resolve to stay with.

Namaste,
Anne

Yoga Poem

2005-11-01T03:30:00.000-08:00

I recently opened up my messy book of poems that I had written. Most of these poems were written in 1999/2000. A time when I was writing alot with some wonderful women in a writing group. It was a time of creativity and change for me as I was yet to take on the responsibility of teaching lots of yoga and eventually a studio. Two weeks ago, I joined another writing group and that has inspired me to look back at my writings. A special thank you to Temple. Most of my poetry is probably way too heavy for this blog site, but I think some of the yoga poems woould be just right.

There is a city within my body
complete with noises,
angrymotorists,
busy pedestrians,
smog,
violence,
poverty.

But
this city is humanity
in both its dark and light forms,
in its day and night,
its outside and inside
sometimes softened
by the night air
where stars shine down
on me.

Come city
lift up your chin
and gaze upward
knowing that you too
have the same stars
singing.

The city never sleeps.

Damage

2005-10-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

I know in my bones how beautiful fall is. As long as I can remember, I have felt a sense of satisfaction when the days darkened earlier and the moon seems fuller somehow behind the frame of leafless trees. The famous poet and spiritual nature lover Mary Oliver knows how spectacular fall is. "Look," she exclaims, "the trees are turning their own bodies into pillars of lights, are giving off the rich fragrance of cinnamon and fulfillment and every pond no matter whats it name is, is nameless now." I know in my bones the glory of fall. I hear its hushed quietness as the leaves fall heavy and pregnant in the wind and collect themselves in all of the corners and edges of our unexpected places.

I used to look forward to the warm cozy nights that wait ahead of us, the holiday season, the chaos, the energy, the cinnamon spices, the scent of wood burning, the gentle sting of cold cheeks when I come in from the cold. I still welcome the announcement of fall but over the past four years this season of color and promise has taken on additional meaning for me. Fall is now a reminder of damage to me. Damage to a friendship and family and loved ones that took place 4 years ago on a cold and damp fall day due to an argument between myself and my sister in law. Angry words said on both sides. Words and accusations that cut until we both bled. Apologies unacceptable. A lifelong friendship ended.

As the days turn colder and the trees darken with reds and bitter orange, I think of the autumn birthdays unacknowledged, the absence of my nieces and nephews at holiday tables, the exclusion at family gatherings, the silence between brothers and sisters. I no longer dwell on the words said in anger or the original things that I was hurt over. These no longer hold any charge and seem trite and meaningless. What I feel now is rejection and sadness and forgiveness and compassion all rolled up into one big ball that is knotted and tied in the center of my heart. My asana practice is filled with wheels and camels. Heart openers for my pain and sadness to come up and get out. It is intense. The strong wavelike feelings always come up but they never ever get out. Instead they feel lodged. Stuck in my throat, constricting my voice. Willingly I enter into counterposes to balance the vulnerable and open hearted backbends. My sadness gets buried in my child's pose. My sadness gets drowned out in seated forward fold. Gently stored with my breath in my belly and pelvis. Shielded by the back of my heart.

What do I do with this sorrow and grief? Do I store it in my body? Do I let it out like a caged animal without a home? Do I ignore it and pretend that it doesn't matter? To deal with this damage over the past four years, I have practiced "metta" or loving kindness. I have practiced anger. I have practiced listening and saying I am sorry. I have practiced forgetting and forgiveness and nonattatchment. None of these practices have gotten rid of the hurt and sadness and rejection and disappointment that reveals itself when I least expect it. None of these practices have repaired the broken pieces of my relationship with my sister in law. None of these practices have stopped the bleeding that I still feel.

As I dress for my morning sadhana, I reach for a familiar and cozy sweater to keep me warm and this simple act reminds me so vividly of my sorrow. I feel the sadness in my bones side by side with the colors of reds and bitter orange. I know that I need to let the disappointment go with the leaves that grow heavy and fall softly to their death. Leaves to be swept around in the wind. To be collected in corners. To be raked into piles and turned over into compost. A natural life cycle that has its own rhythm and cannot be rushed.

Each fall, I relearn that I need to practice letting go. Let go of the disappointment, the clinging to possible future reconciliation, the anger, the bitterness, and the emptiness. Let it all go softly and gently into the cold. Let it be buried in the earth. Let it be released from my bones. I must practice letting go and letting in those that are right in front of me, wanting and needing my love. My dear ones that want to love me as I am right here and now.

In my sorrow, it is my yoga and my poetry that I turn to for answers. In the wise words of Mary Oliver: "Every year, everything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this: the fires and the black river of loss whose other side is salvation, whose meaning none of us will ever know. To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal, to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it, and, when the time comes to let it go, let it go."

In peace and love,
Anne

Our Stories

2005-10-13T18:05:00.000-07:00

Matthew and I are moving into our 2nd year of Samadhi Yoga Teacher Training with 15 men and women studying to become Yoga Alliance certified teachers under our guidance. A sacred and big task to say the least. This past weekend we successfuly graduated 20 students who are now teachers. Another sacred and big task accomplished. We are grateful and tired.

Although I am proud of our success with Yoga Teacher Training, I am very aware of the journey or story behind the accomplishment. I consistently try to teach to my students that we are not our accomplishments but we are "our stories" and everybody is a story. As a matter of fact, our theme for this upcoming weekend of Samadhi Yoga Teacher training is "Our Stories."

I love stories. Not the kind you read in a book or see at the movies but the real stories. The life stories, the history stories, the "Oh my God, you are never going to believe what happened to me!" stories. The everyday mundane stories. The stories of my grandparents lives, the stories of my children's day, the stories of my friend's lives and the stories of my students. To me, these stories are what is "real" and what is "true." Each story is someone's experience of the events of their lives. They are not the events themselves. We all experience the same event very differently. We have seen it, heard it, and felt it in our own unique way and the story we tell has more than a bit of ourselves in it.

All of our stories are unique. They mix fact with meaning. Meaning is the root of their power. Stories allow us to see something familiar through new eyes. As yoga teachers, we get the honor and priveledge of witnessing our student's stories, both in their bodies and breath and in their personal sharings of their own lives. We become, in that moment, a guest in someone else's life. The meaning we may draw from someone's story may be different than theirs but no matter. Facts bring us knowledge but stories lead us to wisdom.

Everybody is a story. You, me, our loved ones, people we don't know and people we don't like. Most of our stories have no clear beginnings or endings. This is very differnt than the books we read or the movies we watch. No neat packages, no fairy tale endings.

Real stories take time. Sometimes lots of time. In our fast paced techno society, we have lost that kind of time. We have stopped telling our stories. We have stopped listening to each other and ourselves. Stories take pausing time, stopping time, reflecting time, wondering time. We all need that kind of pausing time. I feel it in my bones that stopping and pausing is absolutely essential for experiencing our lives. To me, the scary thing is it is possible to live your life without experiencing "pausing time."

We are so fortunate as practitioners of yoga and yoga teachers that the contemplative practice of yoga is that sort of "pausing" time. Every time we go to our mat, we have this opportunity to let go of our push, let go of our fast paced lives and cultivate our capacity to watch and listen. We have the opportunity to watch and feel and listen to our own stories unfold.

Life rushes us along and few of us are strong enough to stop on our own but yoga gives us that "stopping" tool. As yoga teachers, our classrooms create that pausing or stopping time for others. On our yoga mats, we get to create our sacred space, we get to know our own bodies and breath. We get to know our own stories. With our own bodies, we get to tell it. With the compassionate witness we continuously create, we get to listen to our stories from a necessary nonjudgmental place. We get to remember that the real world is made up of just such stories.

This practice of yoga, this daily stopping and listening and telling of our stories through our bodies and our breath helps us to understand that although we can hope to put certain events behind us and get on with our living-we will see that certain of life's issues will be with us for as long as we live. We will pass through them again and again. Each time with a new story, each time with a greater understanding until they have become indistinguishable from our blessings and our wisdom.

Stopping, paying attention, listening, cultivating compassion, breathing, being in our body-Yoga teaches us how to live. Not only does yoga teach us living but the yoga mat is a level playing field. Everyone's story matters. The wisdom in the story of the most advanced yogi or powerful person is no greater that the wisdom in the story of the beginning yogi or a person with no power in the material world. What we learn about ourselves as a beginner yoga student can teach us as much as the life of a sage.

Parents know the importance of telling children their own story over and over again so that the child will come to know who they are and where they are from. On our yoga mat,our own personal stories emerge again and again. Stories that we have stored away in our deepest places in our bodies and psyches. According to the nature of yoga, we carry many of our stories in our bodies unread until we have grown the capacity and readiness to read them. When that happens, a physical and emotional release takes place often with newly found openings in our bodies accompanied by a river of tears.

In my own life, the story of myself as a creative being became a reoccuring theme. Thinking of myself as a maker of art had seemingly lied dormant in me since childhood. But not really. Many times as an adult I would hear my inner voice say that she would like to make art. But I had pushed this call for art aside as "frivolous", "self-absorbed" and just plain "ridiculous."
Fortunately as I continuously practiced my yoga and fully relaxed in shavasana day in and day out, I would literaaly see images that begged to be painted. I kept creating these mind paintings over and over again and I would feel in my body as if I was creating the art. I would feel an artistic longing over and over and eventually I came to know that I was a creative being whom need to express this visually. The more I "paused" and "listened", the clearer my own story became.

As we practice, the more we listen and the clearer our stories become. Our true identity, who we are, why we are here, is what emerges in our story.

Our stories are not our outer achievements or what we have acquired or built over a life time. Our story is who we are and not what we have done. It is what we have faced, what we have drawn upon, what we have risked, thought, feared and discovered in the events of our lives. Our true stories are about sex and power, loss and betrayal, courage, faith, lonliness,disappointment, joy, loving and being loved. Our stories tell our uniqueness,-So Ham, So Ham, "I am that I am." Our stories connect us and weave us all together. Tat Vam Asi,-"I am that"

Jai,
Anne

Ahimsa or Becoming Vegetarian

2005-10-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Consider this quote by Swami Kripalu, "To read uplifting books or listen to spiritual discourses is good. But to practice even a little is of the utmost importance. The profound meaning of yoga is only understood by those who study it systematically through personal practice. The day you start to practice, your true progress will begin."

Yesterday, I chose to practice the yama of ahimsa or non-violence. Yesterday I became a vegetarian. Don't get me wrong. This is not a "holier than though" blog entry or a "Though shall not" entry either. This is just one yogi's account of what happened to me when I choose to bring my yoga into my life and off of my mat. This is my account of why I can no longer make the choice to eat meat.

My newfound choice to go vegetarian did not originate out of health concerns or even ethical concerns. My choice originated out of my desire to take my yoga beyond my yoga mat.

I have been practicing a lot of asana lately and although I am deeply appreciative for my physical practice and where it brings me during my daily sadhana, I have become aware lately of the need for more. In some ways I feel as though I am stepping into a new area of growth and yoga for me. I have become acutely aware of how I would like to incorporate the peace and surrender and clarity that I find in my physical practice into all of the other aspects of my life. I originally believed that as long as I was a physical practitioner of yoga, that the rest would take care of itself. That I would naturally become peaceful and anxiety free. And I must admit I have seen significant changes in how I navigate my self through this world but I am also aware of the need for more inner peace, less reactive ways, less judgementalness of self and others, etc.

So, how do I do this? How do I really begin to let the yoga guide me as I swim my way through housework and mommying and paying bills and relationships with family and friends? How do I live my yoga? At first it overwhelmed me to think about it but lately it does not feel so overwhelming and I credit this to the seated meditations I have been regularly incorporating into my days. 5 minutes a day of dropping into my breath above and beyond my regular asana practice.

Through meditation, I have had my wiser self tell me to turn to the yamas and niyamas of yoga and begin there. Begin to incorporate one yama or niyama into my life. Just choose one as trying to practice all ten would be overwhelming. Pick one and practice it daily. (This is also an assignment I gave to my yoga teacher training class.) Yama translates to "restraints" or "things to avoid."

So I chose to study and practice the first Yama of yoga which is Ahimsa. Ahimsa translates to non-violence. According to yogic scripture, when one practices non-violence, one refrains from causing distress in thought, word, or deed to any living creature. Non-violence is the root of all other ethical precepts.

Well, imagine my surprise when, on my first day of practicing ahimsa, I go to my church and the service is on becoming a vegetarian and how animal do suffer. The service explains how we can do our part to help stop the endless suffering that happens to animals on our planet because of our desire for meat and animal products. I won't go into the details although I will say that the service was not at all gory or accusatory and that it was beautifully done. (For more information on my church go to www.uuse.org. )

So, anyways, here I am. At the beginning of my ahimsa and vegetarian journey and I would like to add that this is one of the first times I have made a choice about diet that doesn't have do with what is best for "body most beautiful." This is a conscious decision. Certainly not the decision I thought I would put into my day. But it is a definite first step in my decision to live my yoga and live in a way that is cruelty free and non-violent. I desire to live in a way that brings inner peace and where violence is not the basis for what I say, think and do.

In the words of metta,

"May all beings be free from peace and suffering."

Namaste,
Anne

Final Week

2005-09-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

Final Week reflections

Last week I found myself writing about “death” and how this showed up in my yoga practice. Interestingly enough and without intention, I find myself thinking about aliveness this week and connection to the divine. Yoga teaches that we must surrender to a higher principle in order to find peace and experience our inborn divinity. Ishvara-Pranidhana means to dedicate one’s every thought, word and deed to the Lord and surrender them at his or her feet with total faith.

Why surrender to God? What do I know about that? I am not even a person who embraces a traditional judeo/Christian God. Neither do I embrace any Eastern Gods. However as a Unitarian Universalist, which is fortunately a generous liberal religion and encourages spiritual exploration, I find that I am not an atheist either. I find that I do believe in an eternal and supreme force. I do believe we are all connected and that we are all good inside. I believe we are all connected to our ancestors and our ancestors’ ancestors and to the people of our future. I do believe in something bigger than myself. I believe in the concept and power of love. I believe that we are more that our physical bodies and we are more than our thoughts. At the same time, I believe you can reduce me down to blood and bone and my essence can be found there.

My essence:

My essence was felt in New York City this weekend where I went for a visit with my nine year old daughter and my good friend. (Thank you to Miss Kimberly.) This time of year, as the evenings get darker a little bit earlier and earlier each day, I find myself becoming increasingly dark and lonely and somewhat unsettled. Not sure of what is to come. Interestingly enough, these dark feelings were shed in the energy and life of downtown New York.

The three of us arrived by train early Saturday morning and were met by the smells of exhaust and horse urine but the sun was also shining and the promise of something beautiful and pure rode on the backs of the occasional crisp breeze. Looking up at the ceiling of Grand Central Station is indeed as magnificent as any chapel.

On this spectacular shining day, New York City was alive and teeming with people. The thousands of people we saw were busy and beautiful and surprisingly friendly. We got many smiles, had doors opened and many people made small talk with us on Saturday. The thousands of people we observed and interacted with this weekend reminded me that people are basically kind and good. The “vibe” of New York was alive and electric and it was exciting to be a part of it. We did have some small setbacks, mostly an American Girl Doll whose leg fell off, but we managed to get it bandaged up and go on with our day and not let a broken doll leg get us down.

In the busyness and electricity of New York, I felt amazingly calm and centered inside. I felt a connection to this vibrant place and to all the people and dogs (small) and buildings. I felt an awareness of a presence much greater than the city and of which I was a small, but nether the less, inherent part of. I felt a belief in all that is good and kind. I felt no need to be any greater than I already am. I felt extreme gratitude. I felt peace and I felt alive. I felt there was purpose and order in this world much larger than my own and my true nature was to surrender and trust.

My all day walk of 24 New York City blocks felt like a walking meditation of life. With each step I became less weary and more clear and grateful to be alive.

I think about teaching this Saturday for the first time in 2 months and hope to bring my own “vibe” to my teaching. My own vibe in not mine alone but a shared vibe of feeling alive and connected to earth and grass and cement and buildings and people and passion. A vibe where we trust that we will get to where we need to be or even better, trust that we are exactly where we need to be in this moment if we allow ourselves to drop in and be present. A vibe where we embrace our own life force in our bones and blood and breath and feel a connection to all beings. An understanding of something so kind and magnificent that it can’t be intellectualized, only understood from somewhere deep and still inside. I surrender to God(or Goddess) and trust the process.

Jai,
Anne

p.s.- Many thank you’s over the past 8 weeks especially to: Dawn-how did I get by before you? Matt- for talking me into the pop up camper.. Mom-for taking risks. Tracey and Gymm-for being there in all of my pinches and for letting me wallow. Natalie-for being real. Nikki-for being my new friend. Eve and Jaime-for nourishing my family with yummy meals during YTT. Pam-for coming back into my life. Stacy-for bringing beauty and organization into my home. Helen and Nil-for reconnecting. Lisa P.-for cutting off all my hair. Kim G.-for showing up at the right moment. Cynthia-for being you and following your dreams. Jeff and Temple-morning practice.

Child's Pose-Poem by Anne

2005-09-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

My yoga brings out my muse. I have been facinated with Garbasana or "Child's pose." My child's pose feels so sacred to me lately.

Child's Pose

Sometimes
I have to stop myself.
I wanna get down
On my hands and knees
Bowing to the simple ground.
Scooping up dirt in my fingers.
Spreading the earth's moisture
On my body.
Forehead pressed down
Into damp darkness
And Breathing
Yes
And Breathing.
Juicy alive breath.
Connecting
Deep down
To all beings
That have ever
Bowed to this ground.

Reflections on my 6th week

2005-09-21T03:04:00.000-07:00

Today was a humid and overcast morning. However, it was still a morning that promised the possibility of sunshine. The early morning humidity promised a day of heat and stickiness. Today is a late summer morning and I am aware that cooler fall mornings are soon to come. Today I take in the familiar morning sounds I have become accustomed to as I practice my yoga in my studio; the humming of the exhaust fan from the restaurant downstairs, the sounds of a delivery truck coming and going.

As I prepare myself to surrender into shavasana or relaxation at the end of my 6:00 a.m. Ashtanga yoga class this morning, I hear the teacher say, “Now lay on your back, preparing yourself for corpse pose. You are now entering into the death of your practice.”

In that moment, on my mat- I think about this. “Death.” For me, the word “death” is a word that brings up fear or sadness or even a lack of feeling. A numbing. I don’t like to think about death, my own or anybody else’s. It scares me.

The words of the yoga teacher this morning also brought me right back to when I was learning to be a yoga teacher. We learned that relaxation pose was often called “corpse” pose and was representative of our own death. Eventually, an enlightened yogi is not afraid of his or her own death. I had forgotten this completely but now I was reminded. Every time we practice yoga and end our yoga session with corpse pose, we are entering into a small death.

Relaxation pose feels wonderful as does letting my practice come to completion. To let go of all efforts in my body and my thoughts feels so freeing and liberating. It amazes me that I used to resist relaxation pose. I used to think of it as a big waste of time. Now that I look forward to it and have completely embraced it, I think I should examine why. Maybe if I contemplate the beauty and sacredness I consistently feel in the “corpse pose” that I do almost every day, I will be able to bring in acceptance of “death” into my own life.

Often in corpse pose, I find myself in the most peaceful place of my day and am able to balance off my anxious self. In corpse pose, I almost always embrace that “everything will truly be ok.” I allow myself to integrate all of my efforts and experiences (good or bad) in my yoga practice. I come to a place of complete acceptance of what is. Today when the teachers suggested that we enter into the death of our practice, I surmised that this is what real death is like. Peace.

I think about a personal state of peace a lot, most likely because I am often not in a peaceful place. Actually, I have not been in a peaceful place on a regular basis for most of my adult life. As I struggle with my anxieties and daily happiness, I find myself repeating patterns and circles that seem impossible to get out of. I consistently feel that life is spinning too fast and that I am caught whirling in its orbit. I almost always feel that there is too much for me to do and what I do accomplish is only about ½ good enough. I am pretty sure this could be a loose interpretation of the definition of “overwhelmed.” I am also pretty sure that being consistently overwhelmed can lead to overall unhappiness and/or depression. I am pretty sure that I am clinging to wanting to become more or better at everything I do. I must admit I am human and “attached” to the physical.

It was interesting this morning to hear the word “death” at my yoga class, to be reminded of an essential teaching of yoga that I had long forgotten and to have a teacher ask me to willingly go into my death and let something that I cling to die. Yes, I do cling to my physical practice.

What else do I cling to? I cling to feeling that there is too much to do. I cling to rushing around and trying to do everything. I cling to having unrealistic expectations about my abilities.

What would it feel like to bury my chaotic pace and self- judgmental voice forever? What would it be like to kill my attachment to outcome, to put my self-criticism to death? Would I be a different person? Would I fall apart and never accomplish anything? Would I know happiness? Would my true self have more space to flourish?

As I contemplate the need for “death” in my present life, I am comforted by these words from the sage, Sutta Nipata:

“The one who is very attached to the cave of the body, that one finds detachment very difficult. Those who constantly crave for pleasure are hard to liberate and certainly cannot be liberated by others, only themselves. Sometimes it is only death that brings a realization of endings, and then the sensual person, deeply immersed in the body, will shout: “What will happen to me after death?”

The way toward liberation is to train your self to live in the present without wanting to become anything. Give up becoming this or that, live without cravings, and experience this present moment with full attention. Then you will not cringe at death or seek repeated birth.”

As I read and reread these words, I realize that I am a sensual person wanting to be fully present and alive in this lifetime. I take comfort in the words of Sutta Nipata and as always I remember to tell myself that, “I am doing a great job.”

Reflections on my 4th and 5th week

2005-09-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

Reflections on my fourth and fifth week of not teaching

This has been the week of a “good cry ”for me. Totally unexpected –yet it makes sense. Totally unexpected, I have found myself crying in my yoga practice. I am comforted by knowing that I am not the only one who is crying. In some ways, our whole nation is crying. Crying for the victims of Katrina. Crying for the devastation and power of Mother Nature. Crying for the unfairness of poverty and the distrust of those who are our leaders. Many are still crying for 9/11 and the painful losses of loved ones that still hurts and leaves holes and gaps in their every day lives.

As a country, I felt we are all tired this week. I felt it when I looked at the prices on the gas pumps, when I happened to catch the news, when I looked around at all of our yoga students and saw the tight shoulders and necks and jaws. I felt as if we are all feeling vulnerability and rawness.

To me, crying is not comfortable territory. I know that it is a wonderful release and even benefit from the releases that my infrequent crying jags can bring on, but still, I don’t cry often or easily. I almost never cry at a movie or cry because someone else is sad even though I might feel their sadness. As a child, I remember wanting to cry a lot but I never would. Instead I would suffocate the cries deep in my throat. It is surely not a coincidence that during my childhood, I many times came down with strep throat.

As an adult, I don’t usually cry but, this week I did and I attribute it to the amount of really good yoga I have been doing on my time off . I not only attribute the conditions for me to cry to come from the yoga but also from being tired and vulnerable and uncertain about our world. I attribute the conditions for crying to come from being brought outside of my comfortable box.

For the past 5 weeks I have been doing a lot of yoga. Every day. On great days, I practice more than once. I have been allowing myself to sink into my practice, not think about any thing other than the moment and the breath I am taking in that moment. My yoga time has become sacred and uniquely mine again. I feel open and truthful to myself.

When the tears came this week in a very gentle seated wide angle forward fold, I knew they were tears of release. As a yogi and a yoga teacher, I am no stranger to the benefits of tears in a yoga practice. But even with that first hand knowledge, I still wanted to push them away and shut them off and I knew in that moment that I had the power to do so. Fortunately I resisted that first urge and actually had a brief conversation with my “witness”, that part of me that observes myself with out judgement. The witness was very direct. She told me, “Go with the crying. See where it brings you. Do not go into fear or on automatic pilot.”

So I did just that. I cried and did yoga and cried some more. I felt waves of sadness and disappointment so intensely. At some point I realized that I was also crying for the girl that I was and the woman that I am who won’t let her feelings out and feels overly responsible for having to have the appearance of holding it all together. I cried for the girl and woman who does not allow others to comfort her. I felt sadness and an understanding of my self all in the same moment.

After I was done crying, I felt great. I had the best yoga practice I could remember and even got into some postures in a way that I had never experienced before. Following this practice of crying and yoga, I wiped my tears off and immediately taught a 2 hour hot sweaty yoga class to the Yoga Teacher Training(YTT) Students. Teaching felt so right and so clean and easy.

I look out at the world and I see how beautiful the mornings are this time of year in New England. How grateful I am for my morning walks and yoga. My morning practice begins in darkness and ends in the most glorious light of the day. For that I am truly blessed.

Reflections on my 3rd week

2005-08-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

Artwork by Anne - August 2005

Swami Kripalu said, " The highest form of spiritual practice is self-observation without judgement. "These days, those words of Guruji are my mantra.

It is my third week of not teaching yoga and my focus has shifted from my own yoga practice and being a studio owner to the many seemingly small but very necessary details and responsibilities of preparing my children for going back to school. This Thursday was the big day for my 8 and 6 year old with the event of the first day of school. In my opinion, Manchester Public Schools opened on an almost cruel early date. Both of my children are entering into milestone years. My son entered first grade ( his first full day of school) and my daughter entered 4th grade, but more significantly, she entered a new school.

This was the week of school clothes shopping. This was the week of running around and buying all the school supplies that various letters from teachers, which arrived in our mailbox in early August, have required of us parents to get by the first day of school. One letter stated the following items should be had by the first day: 5 different colored pocketed folders (red, blue, green, orange, and purple), 2 glue sticks, a box of #2 pencil, a box of blue or black pens, left-handed scissors, 1 laminated folder ( different in color from the above 5 folders), a ruler with both inches and centimeters, 4 high lighters, a lunch box, a back pack without wheels, shoes that are not open in the toes and have backs on the heels,. In addition to all of this, I shopped for lunch necessities: plastic sandwich size baggies for lunches, juice boxes and snacks for lunches. This was also the week of filling out emergency fact forms. Each kid had approximately 12 pages of information and all was due by the next day. I needed to be able to have at least 2 emergency contacts for each child. Not only do I need to know the designated emergency contacts phone number and address, but this year they also asked for cell phone numbers and dates of birth for each contact person. This was the week of going to our pediatrician and having him fill out paperwork for an inhaler to be used if necessary. This was the week where I filled out paper work okaying Tylenol or Ibuprofrin if my kid has a headache with no other symptoms. This was the week of ensuring that each of my children has signed the papers stating that he or she will not bring a knife or gun or weapon of any kind to school. This was the week where both children had to have their Governor's reading list brought into school showing all the different books they have read over the summer. (At least 20 is
recommended.) My 8 year old also had to turn in 2 papers for 10 percent of her first marking English grade. This was the week of back to school haircuts. This was the week where my 8 year old is very unsure about her new school and needs a lot of hugs and understanding.

In addition, I have agreed to volunteer at the library one day per week. I have been dutiful and put down in writing on my kitchen calendar all of the important meetings that I must attend in early September: First grade night, 4th grade night, Highland Park back to school BBQ and Odyssey Parents Meeting.

This was the week where both of my children and myself came down with strep throat. This required 3 visits to the doctors on my family's part and 2 visits to the pharmacy.

Did I mention that I also bought a new used car this week as the one we have is on the outs. It needs to be jumped each time before you start it. With 170,000 miles on it, I guess I am due. So on top of all the back to school craziness, I shopped for and found a new but used Suburu Forrester that will be adequate for driving my children to and from school this year.

Now I know for many mothers, the first week of school is a much welcomed time. A week when our schedules and routines can be put back into place. I know that for me, the summer has had its own variety of stresses as I juggled ways to have my 8 and 6 year old watched (teen age baby sitters, day camps, etc. ) so that I could get into the studio and actually do some work.However, even with the baby sitting issues complicating my summers, I still find the week of my kids going back to school more daunting. This is the week that my harsh and judgmental voices grow loud. This is the week where I strive to be the "perfect mom" with the "perfect children." This is the week I am crazy.

Being a mother can be very vulnerable and many times we feel on
display. I find the first few days of school to be like that. I feel as
if all of my shortcomings are hanging out there for all of society to see. Here is how my brain works: If I get my child late to school, that shows that I am disorganized. If I have too much junk in my child's lunch box, that shows that I am neglectful, if my children don't have their sneakers on for their designated gym day, that shows that I am too busy, etc. If I don't have a clean house and the most delicious wholesome dinners when my children arrive home from school, they will be deprived. This list goes on and on. I even found myself considering what I would wear on the first day of school as I picked my children up at their schools. To let you know how ridiculous this is, consider that at Emily's school, I don't even get out of the car. We pick up our children in a circle formation of cars and stepping out of the car is not even allowed. Fortunately, this was the thing that made me realize that I was getting crazy. As I contemplated whether I should wear a skirt or a pair of flowy linen pants, I had a shift in my brain and body take place. In that moment of contemplating what the perfect mother should wear, I was able to step outside of that and observe from a place of absolute compassion. I could see that I was overwhelmed and needed to stop. I was able to observe that this women who was getting so crazy needed not to be judged any further. I was able to cultivate what yoga calls the "witness consciousness" In that moment I was able to observe that I needed to stop and take care of my self.

So that is what I did. I took 20 minutes and had a cup of tea. I picked up a book that I was reading for enjoyment and enjoyed it. I showered myself with praise for discovering that I was being hard and impossible and overly demanding on myself. I even laughed at my "craziness" and found it endearing. When I finally did go to pick up my kids that day, I felt much more at ease with the world and was able to be much more present for my children when they told me the high points and the low points of their first day. I think I saw some other moms dressed in their own perfect first day outfits and i silently sent them some compassion without judgement.

Swami Kripalu said," The highest form of spiritual practice is self observation without judgement."

I remember the first time I heard these words. I was taking one of my very first Kripalu classes at South Windsor Yoga Studio. Sydney, the teacher, had just returned from a workshop at Kripalu and read this statement at the beginning of class and asked each of us to think about this as we practiced our yoga that evening. I don't recall thinking very much about this statement on that particular evening but I do know that those words have stuck with me since and during difficult periods of my life become my mantra. These are the words that take away my craziness and harsh judgements that still surface from time to time, no matter how much I practice asana.

There have been many periods in the last 7 years where I could not quite wrap my brain around what Swami Kripalu meant by these words but I believe that these kind and intelligent words have stuck with me and perhaps have even been grooved somewhere in my brain matter because they were and still are absolutely crucial for me to embrace and know in every way. During that beginner yoga class seven years ago, I had no idea the impact these words would have on me and on my own spiritual journey.

During that yoga class, where I first heard Guriji's words, I must look back and take some credit for getting parts of his message. I got that it was important to not be harsh or judgmental as I learned something new. I got why it would be necessary to be non judgmental on a thinking level but I never really understood it on a feeling level. The reason for this lack of knowledge was pretty basic- I had not yet been able to turn off that part of my mind that observes and speaks from the harsh critical eye. I had not yet felt the reality of no self-judgments or pure self acceptance on a physical level. Nor was I sure that I really wanted to.

As I think about those early days of yoga, I remember how difficult it was to actually get to a yoga class. I was lucky if I could get in a yoga class once a week. Forget about doing it on my own at home. Who had the privacy? Who had the time? I was already pretty maxed out on the time I had to devote to myself as it was being filled with a necessary and frugal hour of aerobic exercise per day. I had little babies and was a stay at home mom overly and was responsible for taking care of everybody. I made it my personal challenge to meet everyone else's needs before my own. After all, isn't that what a good mother would do? That's what my critical voices told me. By the time Matthew got home from work each evening at 5:30 PM, I could not deny how tired I was.

Maybe because of this tiredness and self imposed drudgery, I was not interested in philosophizing or psychologizing the yoga I was beginning to learn. Instead I wanted to "get on" with the class that had taken so much effort for me to get to. I desired to see and be with wherever the teacher was going to take us for that one hour and a half in my body. I knew that by the time I got down on my mat into shavasana, I would feel lighter, all of the weeks accumulated self imposed stress and fatigue would have melted away and I would feel in touch with my body and a deeper sense of self that for a few precious minutes would not be so taken over by my "have to be the best mommy" self. In that short span of months that I had been learning and practicing yoga, I had already gained the knowledge that yoga was a therapy that I needed desperately.

Little did I know during that beginning phase of discovering yoga that by allowing myself to let go into that space of "wherever the yoga was going to lead me that evening " was exactly the right frame of body and mind for the exploration of Swami Kripalu's words. As a parent, I must learn to also let go and follow where parenting will lead me without focusing on outcome and achievement. Find the space of listening to intuition and just being."

It is now 7 years later and I still practice yoga. I have come to love my yoga practice. The daily or almost daily return to my yoga mat is a space where I learn first hand about humility, patience, joy, and suffering. My mat is a place where I observe myself without regard for outcome or accomplishment. My mat is a place where I practice being compassionate to myself no matter how I show up at the mat. I come to the mat as myself and don't deny whatever I am feeling that day. Whether I am feeling tired, overwhelmed, inadequate, joyful, passionate, sexy, loving, hateful, angry. It is all ok. My yoga mat is a sacred space for me to observe myself without getting tangled up in what I discover. I observe from a place of compassion and let each ujaii breath move me into the next ujaii breath no matter what and by shavasana, I feel just as I did during those very first yoga classes. Cleansed and in touch with my true self. I detatch from my emotional state without denying my feelings. Embracing all of the different aspects of myself and all of the different aspects of this universe. I instinctively know that all is right in my world and there is an order to the universe which is bigger than me but i am inherently a part of.

"The highest form of spiritual practice is self observation without judgement." Again these words ring out to me over and over again in my daily life. What happens when one observes themselves without judgement? I used to believe that if I took the self judgement and even the harsh self critical voice out of my life, that my shortcomings and fears would be on display. As I write down my experience of the past week I validate that I still have many fears, that even though I have a strong and consistent spiritual practice, I oftentimes still feel vulnerable as a women and as a mother. That in these times of fear and vulnerability, I sometimes try to impose strong controls on myself and reinforce these controls with self judgementalness that is both subtle and not so subtle. But it is Swami Kripalu's words that help me turn the corner towards my true self. It is the practice of non-judging and self acceptance that brings me back into my body and ultimately into a space of contentment.

My yoga practice has been instrumental in deconstructing my need to impose self critical control on my life. There is something very gentle and freeing about the abililty to stand outside of yourself and witness the
place you are in right now without judgement. This is is a
practice. Something that has to be returned to over and over again. Starts and stops and obstacles along the way to creating the witness to the crazy thoughts, the paranoia, the harshness and sadness of our self talk without judging ourselves for being in this dark and what we might ignorantly consider an unenlightened place. When we step into a place of observing ourselves without judging, the antidote to this self-hate begins to grow. This antidote is compassion. When looking through the lenses of clarity, the lenses without the cloudiness of self critisicm, The words of Buddha become clear. Compassion is the way to end our own suffering.

Reflections on my 2nd week

2005-08-22T04:43:00.000-07:00

I have only been off from teaching for two weeks yet in some ways it feels much longer. I have experienced a gamut of feelings about myself including incredible euphoria for my new found freedom and feelings of intense self doubt wondering if any one will ever again take my yoga classes once I return.

Thankfully, not all of my mind space has been occupied with the teachings of yoga as I planned last week for mine and Matthew’s renewal of our wedding vows that took place 16 years ago. Actually, we wrote new vows as we realized that the vows we originally spoke to each other were never a personal reflection of what we felt for each other. To be fair to the original vows, at 21 and 22 years of age, I don’t think we really knew what we felt for each other or who we were to become together.

This is what I learned last week:

I am so fortunate to have been able to take time out of my life to reflect on my relationship with Matthew and what is really precious.

I am so fortunate to have been able to share my love for the most important people in my life with friends and family at our community and feel safe and supported.

I am so fortunate to have a partner who I respect and love without hesitation.

Once again, I learn the value of kind words and genuine hugs.

Once again, I learn the value of letting myself feel all the wide array of human feelings including unconditional love and vulnerability.

As fall approaches but is still far enough away, August is a month to connect with the beauty of summer, the beaches, the warm delicious air, the cooler evenings, the taste of peaches. Discover dragonflies, paint a picture. Let your spirit soar. Let yourself feel love. Tell someone you love how much they mean to you. Be open. Be sensitive. To be sensitive is to be alive.

Reflections on my first Week Off from Teaching yoga

2005-08-15T04:48:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I have decided to take 8 weeks off from teaching my regularly scheduled classes. The arrival of this decision was surprising, even to me. I am not injured or over tired or in any way feeling burnt out. As a matter of fact, I love teaching yoga. Lately, I am particularly passionate about my teaching as I incorporate the advanced pranayama and breath retention techniques that I learned from Yoganand at Kripalu this summer. Teaching yoga is my passion and affords me so many opportunities to connect with others, to make a difference, to be creative and to be alive. I like to believe that my best qualities come out when I am teaching.

Even with all of these wonderful reasons, a small but important voice inside of me has been speaking up a lot lately about slowing down, about taking time for change and growth and transformation. As usual, this wise internal voice rears her head during my own yoga practice. As usual, this voice is suggesting that I do something that is out of character for me and uncomfortable. Take time off from my responsibilities, from the way I define myself, from something that I am comfortable with? At first, taking time off from teaching my 10 classes per week seems ridiculous, self absorbed, irresponsible, and financially not appropriate. But, with most things that are right for me, my initial response is the fear response. Thank God, through yoga, I now realize that where there is fear, there is a path to be followed.

This is my first week of my 8week sabbatical. As a matter of fact, as I write this, it is just my second day. Already, I have taken 3 amazing yoga classes from 3 very different and talented teachers all in my own studio space. This is unheard of for me. I have had stimulating conversations with fellow students and teachers. (Also difficult to do when you are teaching all the time.) I have opened and filed my mail 2 weeks worth of mail and returned phone calls and emails and have begun the fall schedule and designed 2 newspaper ads. Wow!

In addition to all of the yoga and completion of tasks, I have had the space to think. Space that is usually filled with planning my next class or the babysitting arrangements so I can teach has been opened up. Without intending to, my thoughts keep gravitating to Samadhi Yoga Studio and where it’s been and where it’s going. What is its mission? What’s its purpose?

As I look around at the faces in the studio these days, I only see a handful of students that have been here since the beginning (I love each and every one.) Among these strangers and newer acquaintances, it occurs to me that these people don’t know why the studio was developed or its history or even what it was like to maybe not have had a studio space to go to that is open 7 days per week and filled with competent educated teachers eager to bring to their community what they are passionate about. Whether it is yoga, dancekinetics, drumming, chanting, singing bowls, meditation, etc- These teachers are passionate and share what they love for no guarantees on enrollment and in the big picture of things, not a lot of money.

On September 12, it will be the 4 year birthday of Samadhi Yoga Studio and I find myself reminiscing about when the seeds of growing a yoga studio began for me. I had just started teaching and was really digging yoga. I was observing how exciting and life changing yoga was. Not just for me but also for the people I was teaching to as well. We would gather after class and comment to each other about what great stuff this yoga was. A typical comment would be, “Too bad the rest of the world doesn’t realize how great this yoga is.”

I wanted to share the yoga with everyone. I had been to New York and L.A. and witnessed how readily available and ever present yoga was in these places. I thought to myself, “Why couldn’t we have something like that in this area? Why couldn’t we have a grass roots yoga community that was affordable, where good yoga was offered every day? Couldn’t my community have and deserve readily available yoga every day? Yoga where you could get sweaty (my personal favorite) and yoga where a beginner would feel comfortable as well.

It was personally important to me that the yoga studio be located in Manchester even though I was teaching in Glastonbury and realized that because of higher income levels, Glastonbury might be the wiser choice for beginning a yoga studio.

But I am a Manchester girl since kindergarten and felt how desperately we needed alternative and healthy places in our town. It was important to me that the yoga studio not be near the mall. With a few nice mom and pop shops such as Harvest and Café on Main and Natural Rythyms- Downtown Manchester seemed like a good idea.

5 years later, I look back at some of the hardships- I opened with a business partner and that didn’t work out. I opened 5 days after September 11th. Family members that didn’t and still don’t understand why I, as a mother, would open a studio.
I think of the financial hardships, the many times when I don’t take a pay check. Slow times. Yoga classes where nobody shows up. I think of the teachers who moved on to bigger studios. I think of the teachers who left feeling angry or dissatisfied.

The most recent hardship-the violence on Main Street so close to our studio.

I also think about the victories. Over 30 of our students have gone on to become yoga teachers. Not only attending our own teacher training, but teacher trainings all over the world. 5 of my students have even opened their own yoga studios and become my direct competitors.

I think about the students that have met in our yoga classes and gotten married. I think of the students who have formed lasting friendships. I recall the students who have transformed their bodies and leave the classes beautiful and glowing. I think of the student who told me that yoga made her get out of an abusive marriage. I think of the student who told us that yoga was keeping her from getting high. I think of the student who was able to give up Prozac and another student who was able to get off their high blood pressure medicine. I think of all the students who have had success quitting smoking or living healthier. These are real stories and the stories of a community that is thriving and growing.

Recently someone asked us not to do announcements during their yoga time. They had placed this seemingly simple request in our suggestion box located in the hallway when you first enter. Upon reading this particular entry, I have to admit that it made me instantly furious and unappreciated. I was thinking, “Well how else do we let you know about Jaime’s drumming and Natalie’s Dancekinetics and Matthew and Kirstii’s chanting?” How else do we get these things that out there?” Not everyone has email, not everyone reads bulletin boards. We are not a big retail business chain able to afford big marketing campaigns. We are a dedicated group of teachers trying to spread what we love. We are hoping some of our students will show up. We are trying to stay in business.

Once I let my anger run its course and I want to add that it was very short lived, I had a deeper understanding of my responsibility. I was asking for feedback after all. I realized that this person just didn’t understand that we are more than a place that you come to take a yoga class. We are trying to grow and reach out and bring this life transforming vehicle of yoga to as many people in this area as we can.

I am very proud of our small and growing yoga community. I look around and I see more new faces and less familiar ones. This is a sign of change. One that I am learning to accept and even embrace. When things bother me, I realize it is my job to educate and show what community is all about.

I feel very fortunate as I write this. As I move into my 8 week hiatus, I realize that not only am I the creator of my yoga community and my dreams but I am part of something that is bigger than myself. I look forward to all the yoga I will be taking in my own yoga space over the next two months. I am learning that it is ok and even right to enjoy your own dreams when they are coming true.

Namaste,

Anne
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