Time For Me

This week I reaped the rewards of being an owner of a yoga studio. Instead of constantly concerning myself with the current recession and how to creatively keep my business thriving, I was able to leave all that aside. For almost a full week. Instead of changing diapers, picking up the relentless clutter and for countless hours drive my older kids all over town, I got to roll out my own yoga mat and train. For the unheard of length of five days, I got to practice yoga for almost eight hours each day at an advanced yoga workshop. One of the best parts was that it all took place in my own studio.

At this stage in my life, the ability to take a yoga workshop is an extreme luxury. When I get together with other yoga studio owners, I hear all about the fantastic trainings they are pursuing. I hear about yoga in Maya Tulum, week long detoxes at yoga spas, and studying with big name teachers. When they begin to tell me about their newest training endeavor, I am always polite. I ask questions. I nod my head in approval. I look at my peers and I smile. I am outwardly supportive but inside I seethe, just a little. You see, I want it all- to be a present mother, successful studio owner, inspiring teacher, caring and compassionate wife and friend. I want to do every amazing training out there. But I can't. Financially, emotionally and time wise-it is just not gonna happen for me right now. I am already maxed out in what I can and cannot do. From past experience, I know that if I take on anymore there will be ragged edges and the possibility of burn out looming large.

In recent years I have learned that I have to say no. Make choices. Honor what I need but also shelf some things (such as consistent and regular yoga training) for later. In my limited world I have seen the harsh results of trying to do it all. I have seen the failure of marriages between some of my oldest and dearest friends. I have seen how rapidly my friend's children have grown up. I understand in my heart and head how precious this time is with my family. I am aware that one day I will have to check with my children's schedules to see if they have time for me. I don't want to miss out. I don't want to forget.

Instead of forgetting, my experience with yoga this week allowed me to remember. I got to remember who I am, underneath all of my self imposed chatter and seep myself with compassion even when every muscle in my body was burning. I got to bring my focus inside. I got to have no expectations. I notice that I am much better at letting go of expectation on my yoga mat then in my daily life. This practice of letting go of expectation is truly radical and unfamiliar to most of us. To break that connection, to see impulses and thoughts arise and not act on them, not label them as real or unreal, but simply to observe them-this is how to turn off your auto-pilot. This is the beginning of developing “witness consciousness,” creating transformation and honestly taking control of your life.

This yoga workshop was physically demanding and I came up against difficult sensations and my own resistance over and over again. I watched stories about my yoga ability and my body play out. It was not always pretty.

As my hips began to open after five days of fire hydrants and cow's face pose, I realized that it was my sense of self that opened the most. I observed the patterns of thoughts that showed up like a relentless dictator. I watched my “wild child” side as she begged me to bail out. Yoga is designed to create a churning and so I was. On every level. I couldn't come up with a default strategy such as making myself busy to avoid what I was feeling. There was nowhere for me to go. No job to do, no child to take care of, no cupboard to stand in front of. I had to stay on my mat and watch. This was hard work! I noticed that I have developed a self-image, a complex system of values, a concept of my world with certain patterns of behavior and thoughts. In short, I have created a movie, cast myself as the star and am spending the majority of my life acting out the script.

Isn't it interesting how we invent ourselves and then we are imprisoned by our choices? We think we are in control of our life, that we are making our own choices, when in reality the choices are being made for us by our own movie script. This is a form of bondage. In yoga language, this is “avidya” or self-ignorance. The gift of yoga is that it begins to thin this veil of illusion. It thins this veil of illusion and requires that we do so from the right action of compassion.

My yoga teaches me that it is only from a space of loving compassion that we can see our patterns, our automatic responses that previously existed below the level of consciousness, and it is in that moment that we are given the opportunity to be freed. This week I was able to get quiet and start looking at my own tiresome and destructive patterns and was able to stay present and be fearless in my inquiry. I got to hear the cries of my own heart and by becoming a loving witness, I felt as if I could hear the cries of the world.

After five days, I emerged off of my yoga mat renewed and saw unlimited potential in clearing away the self-imposed patterns that imprison me. On the yoga mat, there are no mysteries and life is one big wonderful mystery. All of this at the same time. All of this in the same moment.
Like most of us, I am continuously trying to find balance. For me it is the balance between between being a mother to three, running two yoga studios and finding precious and quiet time for myself. This week I got to create a five day island of peace in the midst of chaos. A time in my life where the demands seem constant and there is hardly a moment when I am not bombarded with stimulation. I got to take off my “social” mask, my “professional” mask and my “mommy” mask and go on an inward expedition. I got to investigate. I got to stand in the fire. I got to surrender in silence. I got to pause. I got to breathe.