Bell of Mindfulness

Last night, my wise teacher said to me, “I have an idea for you. I have a strategy to help you become as mindful as possible over the next 108 days with your yoga of relationships.” My teacher, like myself, was not as concerned with my ability to actually practice the asana practice over the next 108 days. I have done that before. Maybe not an actual counting of 108 days but I have had a regular morning practice for months at a time with only a few mornings off each week. Mostly these mornings off were so that Matthew could go into work early. Or I might choose to hike instead of practice yoga for the morning knowing that I could sneak a class in later at the studio. So, in my experience, taking a morning off from yoga practice is because I know that I will get to practice later that day or it is a sacrifice that I make for others. In addition to my love and need of an actual physical practice, I only have to jump in my car and drive 5 minutes to get to my own brand new and beautiful yoga studio or, if I can’t make it to the studio, I certainly can make it to the small yet sweet yoga room in my house. Combine my strong need for physicality in my body plus the availability of accessible yoga space with and an ability to wake up early, before the rest of my clan and I feel strongly I should succeed. My morning yoga ritual is this: light some nag champa, roll out my mat, plug in my ipod and I am ready to go. So with the physical part of the 108 days of yoga being the part with ease, it is the yoga of relationship that scares me.

It was either Eleanor Roosevelt or my mother who said, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” For me-being present and being mindful with myself and others is where I fear I shall fail. I know there should be no judgement here. This is yoga. But still.

My teacher says that I should set a bell to ring through out the day. This is a Buddhist practice. Each time the bell rings-this is a message- for me- to slow down and breathe and allow myself to experience the moment, the here and now. Whether I am folding laundry, cooking, driving kids around, talking on my phone or changing a diaper, I can take a deep breath and slow down. Learn to accept the moment, than I can let go and surrender and allow myself to feel “santosha” the yogic word for contentment.

If I pay attention, mundane occurances seem to happen with some sort of cosmic order beyond my understanding. Last night, my teacher tells me to create a "bell of mindfulness," and this morning I was awakened by a strange beeping sound. In my semi-awakened state, I asked myself, “Is this my mindfulness bell?” If it is, it is so annoying. Where is it coming from? It is only 4am. This is a mean bell for going off at such an early time. I located the beeping sound, which had been going off every minute for at least 10 minutes, and found that it belonged to a dying cell phone deep in the heart of my house. Pitch black, early in the morning, on the first day of my 108 day practice, I felt a sense of despair and pity for myself wallow up big inside me. I had only been asleep for 3 hours. I had nursed Sadie at 1am and had difficulty falling back asleep. The fat cat was hungry and her bowl was empty. Why was I the only one who heard the dying cell phone? Why do I have to feed the fat cat every morning?

I heard my teacher’s voice, “Take a deep breath Anne, maybe this is a sign. Start your mindfulness practice right now. Take a deep breath and begin right now.”

My practice was wonderful this morning. I was joined by Jude, Nikki and Michelle. We started out slow with some gentle udianna bahnda and kumbaka. This morning was the first time since Sadie has been born that I felt my familiar uddiana in my body. I haven’t been able to feel the seal inside and I have been ever patient waiting for it to reemerge. Eventually we moved into downward dogs on the wall and handstand. I was surprised how light handstand felt this morning. I am always pleasantly surprised when handstand feels light.

The biggest gift in my morning practice was shoulderstand. (Honestly, I think Headstand is so much more delightful than shoulderstand.) I do not love shoulderstand. I do not look forward to it and, if I am truthful, I only practice it when I am asked to or confronted with the fact that I have not done a shoulderstand in a long time, like maybe a shoulderstandfree month has passed me by.

This morning –shoulderstand was different. This morning, full shoulderstand felt just as it should. It felt light and open. I felt grounded and tall. I felt perfectly aligned. I was surprised and full of awe. Maybe shoulderstand had so much ease today because I went up into it from bridge. Maybe it was because of the re-emergence of my uddiana and light handstands. Maybe it was because of the beeping of the dying cell phone? Whatever the reason, I am thankful for the ease in a posture that I have preconceived ideas about struggle and difficulty. Maybe my built up fear about my ability to handle mindfulness with relationships and my world around me is just that- built up. A castle built up into the air with no earth to ground it.