The Writer In Me

“We can spend our whole lives fishing only to discover in the end it wasn't fish we were after.” -Thoreau

The barn is burned down now, I can see the moon.” -Masahide

This past weekend my fourth grade son was in a children's theater musical production with forty other kids ranging in ages from four to eighteen. I was blown away by their budding talent but struck even more by how uninhibited these kids were. Dancing, acting, and singing their hearts out. Not one kid appeared to be held back by fear or self doubt. I know that most of them, my son included, envision acting as a major part in the rest of their lives.

When I was in fourth grade I dreamed of being a writer. I also wanted to be an artist, actress, singer, mother and doctor of psychology. I remember writing my first short story for school. It began with a mother preparing a breakfast of bacon and eggs for a young girl while she lay in bed and let the comforting smells awaken her. (This is interesting to me because I have no memory of either of my parents cooking me breakfast. We were more of a cheerios type of family.) My teacher praised the writing for its descriptive language. I recall how satisfying it was to put words on paper and capture a moment that someone else could relate to, how good it felt to construct a universal connection and have something to say.

I want to become a writer before I die. This buried longing revealed its face when I resurrected the Samadhi newsletter one year ago but the truth is that the writer in me had been crying out for expression ever since I was that little girl in fourth grade. Every time my muse tried to emerge she had been forced back to the bottom of the ocean by perfectionism, denial and intense self criticism. I never believed that I could write anything worth reading. I have always been a good reader and am acutely aware of all the amazing writing that exists “out there.”

These days I call myself a writer even though I have not been published in anything more than local magazines. More significant than the label I give to myself is that I have given myself permission to let the muse flow and trust my written word. It might not be much but I have chosen to carve out one hour twice a week to devote to my dream. This is a realistic and compassionate chunk of time. Twice a week I must begin. Twice a week, no matter what, I must face the blank page. I must face the faceless and unknown. For the past year, every time I sat down and stared at the wide open page- I felt fear. “Do I actually have something worthwhile to say? I am not qualified. I am fake. I am doubt.” I consider getting up from my chair and do anything else; clean the crumbs from out of the toaster, polish my sunglasses, or paint my toes.

Conquering resistance is taking that first step out the door that confines you. It is taking that first step on the wooded path of your morning run or taking that first breath linked with reaching your arms up to the sky as you begin your Sun Salutations. Conquering resistance is saying no to the junk that clutters your path; fear, aversion, busyness or just plain sluggishness. My mind prefers that I never begin. It begs me to divert. Do something useful. My inner critic uses her bitchiest tongue, “Shouldn't you be switching a load of laundry right now instead of trying to be something your not? You are no Joan Didion, that is for sure.” Many times this voice is enough to choke my muse and I quit. I go do something else. That something else is anything but want my heart wants me to do. My heart wants me to put down some words-any words- on the blank page. My wisest self begs me quietly to pursue my dreams to live a big life. The life I really want. Not the life created by diminished belief or the expectation of others. I want to determine my own life. To write. To create. To live and love from my soul.

On my yoga mat, I know how to let my practice and my body unfold breath by breath. But getting started isn't always easy. When I first spread out my yoga mat, I have various reasons why I should just roll up my mat and go home. The room is too cold or too hot, some skinny chick took my usual spot, my nose is stuffy, my body is too stiff, too tired, or too fat. Oh and lets not forget that my yoga pants are falling down and I forgot my hair tie. Then I breathe. I take that first sacred and holy breath. Sometimes the first breath requires courage. Courage to stay and face my own self no matter what state my mood and body is in. For approximately one hour there is no place to go. No place to hide. I must live with the bare truth of who I am.

As I allow my first inhale to fill me and my first exhale to empty me; resistance, anxieties, judgment and fear begin to release their teeth. Soon my body is moving. Sometimes the first few movements feel like punishment but then something shifts and it all becomes easier. My muscles, bones, and connective tissue begin to warm up and respond. They open and receive whatever is coming next. My yoga mat becomes a friendlier place. My mind becomes clear and energized. My body becomes fluid and awake. Finally there is no judgment. I lose track of time.
When I am finished with my yoga practice, my body and mind feel glorious. I often ask, “Why do I resist something that clearly makes me feel so good?”

To begin to create what we truly want in life is like that first breath. We can be afraid of what will happen next. We can come up with many good reasons to delay. We are experts at making excuses and psyching ourselves out. Yet we can't let ourselves turn away-we must dive in. And when we do, it can be miserable if we don't let ourselves breathe and warm up. We need to give ourselves permission to take it slow, make mistakes, and have periods of self doubt.

Sometimes in our own lives we are the apprentice and sometimes we are the master. But no matter who we are, if we want to open up to our dreams, we must trudge onward. We must begin. We must be fearless examples to our own children and show them how to stay true to their hearts desire by staying true to our own. We must let ourselves be vulnerable and burn down the walls of perfectionism. We must believe in our own selves and sanctify time each week to put aside for our own dreams. No matter how small that chunk of time might be. We must take that first breath and plunge. This is how we sing and dance our own hearts out. This is how we flow.

When a Chocolate Chip Cookie Is Not Just A Cookie

Last Saturday, after a long day of teaching yoga, feeling spent and vulnerable, and a lack of my own yoga practice, I found myself eating five chocolate chip cookies in a row. I was not hungry for food and was clearly undermining my own desire to take care of my body. I do not think that there is anything wrong with chocolate chip cookies except that for me- it can be awful. I will feel like crap; foggy, tired and scattered for at least a couple hours after eating this type of food. Not to mention that it will set me up to crave more of the same type of food. It is as if a part of my brain goes on stupid, unhappy and autopilot.

Last Saturday I ate five chocolate chip cookies in a row and so it began: the familiar war with food and my body was on. A place I have been many times before. It had been a while but still I recognized the familiar pull. A tug from my wild side. "Who cares?" "These taste so good." "Eat them." "No one will ever know." "You deserve this." "You will always be fat. Face up to that." The self talk got uglier by the moment.

Anybody who is familiar with using food or any other default strategy (shopping, gossiping, continuous lying or emotionaly outbursts, alcohol, drugs, constant busyness, etc.) to cope with uncomfortable feelings and emotions can relate. To think that the root of the struggle is with food or with my body is an illusion. An illusion that I can convince myself to believe.

The real problem is not with food. The real problem is not with my body. The real problem is with the belief that happiness lies only around the next corner, the next accomplishment. As a person who has yet to fully accept myself the "way I am," I am either trying to squeeze into a narrow and tight version of acceptable behavior or I am rebelling against everything that constricts me. Even if I get thin and stay thin for the next fifty years, I will still be afraid of not staying thin and I will spend my life swinging from one extreme to another. When we want to be different than who we are, when we think we are never good enough, we will never know who we are and we will never leave ourselves alone.

The ability for yoga to be my objective and gentle teacher and show me how to heal from a lifelong struggle with self acceptance is why I practice yoga, teach yoga, and opened a yoga studio in the first place. The real work of yoga is the real work of life. The real work is to disidentify from self-images that were formed a lifetime ago and from which we still construct our daily lives. The real work is to allow ourselves to be who we already are and to have what we already have. The real work is to be passionate, holy, wild, irreverent. To laugh and cry until you wake up to the amazing person that you are, right now in this moment.

The question is how do we do the work? How do we dream our own lives into being when we have spent most of our lives wanting to be different than who we are?

Yoga teaches how to be in this exact moment. As we hold challenging poses, we ask ourselves to think less about what we are supposed to be doing and more about what is actually happening. By being present with each moment of our lives exactly as it is, we learn that the more time we spend constructing parallel lives, the less energy we have for our present lives.

Yoga teaches how to feel, millimeter by millimeter and with support. The support is always there in the form of self observation without judgment. This is the muscle we learn to strengthen. Once we allow ourselves to feel our feelings fully and with complete compassion, then we begin to move through all situations in our life with grace. To feel sorrow, abandonment, disappointment and even hopelessness-we begin to understand what so much of our frantic activity is trying to cover up.

Yoga asks us to constantly inquire into our experience: Does getting what we want take away the discomfort of wanting? If I achieve headstand, am I still left with wanting something else? Is longing replaced by another and then another?

Yoga teaches to honor the longing to have a big life, which can either translate into the longing to have someone else's life or the longing to have the life you would already have if you were not constantly diminishing yourself.

Yoga teaches that behind every addiction is the burning question: What is enough?

Yoga shows us that no feeling is final.

Finally, we cannot understand or move through what we refuse to examine. It's not until we admit we are lost that there is even a possibility of discovering a new way.

After I ate the five cookies, I found myself wanting to eat at least five more. I moved into panic and then disgust. It was at this point that I got real. I got grounded. I took a deep breath, practiced restraint with the cookies and recognized that the cookies are not the bad guys, I am not the bad guy. My longing is not the bad guy. The bad guy is when we forget the qualities that exist inside all of us. When we cut ourself off from courage, strength, joy, will, compassion, and love. But you know, we cannot teach these qualities. We know these things only by remembering them. This is the sweetest gift that we can give to ourself and to others. When we remember who we are, then we no longer have to try to be someone else.

I covered the remaining cookies and left them for my family. It was then that I put some water on to boil on the stove for tea. Hot tea was what I really craved. Something warm and nourishing. As the kettle whistled, I realized that true nourishment existed all along. We all have true nourishment. We are the true nourishment we have been searching for.

Yoga and Worship

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is.I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,which is what I have been doing all day.Tell me, what else should I have done?Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

-Mary Oliver From A Summer's Day

One of the biggest surprises during my past 12 years of coming to know yoga is that yoga has slowly became my path for worship. According to Dictionary. Com, the word "worship" can be defined as "to feel an adoring reverence or regard for..." Let me preface this by quoting Swami J and I must fess up that I know nothing else about Swami J except that I stumbled upon some quotes of his while surfing the Internet. Still...I liked what he had to say. "There is no religion in yoga but there is yoga in some religions." So I am not speaking dogma here but I believe I am speaking a truth that I have experienced and continue to directly know through my practice of yoga.

I first discovered yoga at my Unitarian Universalist Church. What started out as the need to have a single two hour period to myself each week to reconnect with who I might be beyond my all encompassing role as a mother to a newborn baby girl turned into a blown out love affair. What began as forcing myself out my front door became a gentle entry into getting to know myself better than any therapy or self help book had ever done. It only took a few short weeks and I began to look forward to rolling out my yoga mat on the hardwood floor. The late afternoon sun would display it's glory through the floor to ceiling main window above the alter shining in chinks and patterns that gently played upon my body as I surrendered into forward folds, child poses, knee down twists and eventually corpse pose. I was quieted and soothed by my yoga instructor's English accent and his Ujjayi breath. When I closed my eyes I heard only the ocean- loud and rhythmic, ever present, dependable, and complete.

It was in that familiar room of reverence that I learned how to really breathe. Not the shallow breath that I had unknowingly come to embody; a shallow breath that is all too familiar to most Americans. a limited way of breathing that is encouraged by our stress producing yet sedentary culture. Like most of us, I spent many hours of each day sitting at my desk and computer, behind the wheel of my car, and sometimes in front of my television. I also spent many hours of each day obsessing on things that created angst such as piles of unopened bills, difficult relationships and appearances. My tendencies of body and mind had created a slumped position with rounded spine-physically and mentally. Making it almost impossible to fill the lungs with sufficient breath. Like Tinker Bell needed the infusion of children's faith to bring back her vitality and make her light shine, we too need infusions. Yoga recognizes that the breath is a major pathway for bringing dynamic energy into our bodies. Retraining ourselves to breathe deeply can have many gifts including renewed energy and a healing effect.

Twelve years ago I had to relearn how to breathe. Only when I could sufficiently take a deep breath could I learn how to be present for each moment. To be truly happy one must directly know how to be with what is in each moment of our lives. A lack of trust in the process of life and a need for perfection leads to disappointment over the past and a hard knuckled grip on the present in a unrealistic attempt to control one's future. For me, learning to truly accept each moment as it comes was another one of yoga's life lessons. We need little else--praise, material possessions, status, etc.- when we are directly in touch with life in each moment.

To this day, contentment is still slippery. A lifetime of negative thinking and never feeling good enough is a difficult thing to undo. Consider a seed in a crack of a pavement that grew into a tree that tore up the sidewalk. It is difficult to remove such a tree but my yoga teaches me that it can be done. The tree's roots begin to shrink in a brief and fantastic moment of self awareness combined with an intention of observation from a place of compassion and self-acceptance. This is what I need to bring with me to the mat when I practice. This is what I need to bring into everything I do.

The laws of yoga teach that our thoughts are the seeds of our actions and ultimately of our own future. What happens to us by events, nature and others can hurt us deeply but how we react and process these moments of our lives are what ultimately creates our own suffering or happiness. It is up to us whether our reality is harmful or healing. How we interpret and how we attach to situations in our lives all serve to create the amount of energy we give to events, things and others. When we come to understand that we ourselves are responsible for what happens to us, whether or not we can understand how, then it follows that we can change what happens to us by changing ourselves. We can take our own destiny into our own hands.

To be in the moment is the practice of contentment or santosha. Maybe this is why I feel that my yoga practice is an act of worship. A way to open up wide to the gifts of the universe, to connectedness, and maybe even to god. In the practice of santosha we get to decide that in this very moment we will be contented no matter what storms are threatening. As an adult, I have come to learn that there will always be storms. None of us can escape this. If we wait for things to become as we demand them to be in order to be satisfied, we will always be waiting.

Contentment can be enjoyed in small bites. On the worst of days, it is possible to pause and look at the world through the eyes of a child if only for a moment. See the sky, hear a bird, get lost in a loved one's face. We can say, "For this tiny moment, I choose to be content." Begin to look for these moments. The more you seek out contentment, the more it will show itself, the more you will worship life- especially your own life. The more you will feel an adoring reverence and regard for everything

Josh

A year ago this April, my sister's 17 year old son Josh was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. What began as a limp, while vacationing in Disney World, stemming from a pain in his right hip with no explainable cause, turned into full blown cancer within a few short weeks. What began as a visit to Josh's regular pediatrician turned into a visit to an orthopedist, then a neurologist and then a pediatric cancer specialist. X-Rays revealed lesions throughout his hips and his spine. Josh was put in a wheelchair. He was not allowed to bear his own weight. His bones were pronounced "moth eaten" from his countless tumors. All within the span of seven days.

The next week was full of MRI's, bone scans and pet scans. A port was put into his chest even though there was not yet a diagnosis. A bone marrow biopsy was performed. The good doctors of Connecticut Children's Medical Center pronounced it cancer. They just did not yet know what kind. They sent his test results to a major cancer center to determine the type. Josh waited. My sister waited. My parents flew in from Arizona and they waited. We were all full of dread and fear. We cried and hugged a lot.

Three weeks from the first doctor's visit a diagnosis was given- Stage Four Non-Hodgkin's Type Lymphoma. There was no way to wake up from this cruel nightmare. Josh's cancer was systemic. Although it was not in his lymph, it was seemingly every where else; hips, spine, ribs, lungs, bone marrow and even a spot on his heart. Josh's cancer was harsh and completely debilitating but we were told by some of the best pediatric oncologists in the world to hang in there,be tough, and have faith. It was curable. Maybe.

Ruthless and aggressive chemotherapy began. Last spring and summer, Josh had over 21 lumbar punctures (injections) into his spine. He immediately was withdrawn from his junior year of high school, bound to a wheel chair, and summoned to the cancer floor of a pediatric hospital. While his peers took their final exams at school, he lost all of his prized blond hair on his pillow, developed mouth sores that prevented him from speaking (forget about eating) and was nauseas most hours of the day.

We all felt that the cancer "sucked" and that it was totally unfair. We even wore pins that said "Cancer Sucks." Not Josh. Throughout the chemotherapy, Josh never complained or expressed feeling sorry for himself. Not once. Even when he couldn't close his mouth all the way because of sores that started in his mouth and ran throughout his entire digestive tract.. When Josh did speak about his illness, it was gentle and kind and usually something along the lines of "Don't worry about me. I can handle this. I am OK."

Josh is a sensitive kid and loves babies. This was made even more evident during this difficult time. He always had a smile and a high five for my Sadie. His two-year old twin siblings Danny and Maeve worship him and were like two puppies clamoring for his attention. My sister would often say that for Josh babies were the equivalent of "therapy dogs."

My sister showed me what it is to be a "Momma Warrior." Privately she was scared out of her mind and let out her own pain and vulnerability with those she was closest too but publicly she showed only strength. She did not fall apart. She got up every morning and did what she had to do. She watched her oldest child go through unbearable pain and face the unknown and she stayed right by his side- a calming presence. She did not waiver. If Josh could bear it then so would she.

Every day my sister had to entrust her two year old twins into the care of family and friends while she spent as many waking hours as possible by Josh's side. Between Josh's two parents, he was never left at the hospital alone. They slept under fluorescent lights, on blow-up mattresses and fell asleep each night to the random beeps of an IV filled with Methotrexate dripping its essential poison into Josh's veins.

It is one year later and Josh is completely cancer free. His port is being removed from his chest today. A simple operation. A major milestone. Our hearts are no longer broken. For now, our grief seems far away. Many times over the past year I have caught myself wondering what it would be like to face death. To look into the eyes of the tiger and not know if it was going to eat me.

Today my immediate difficulties seem small compared to our fear last April of losing our beloved Josh. These days I have anxiety about getting enough revenue to flow into our studios during a scary economy. I strive for balance and self-acceptance.

A valuable tool to help me deal with what is beyond my control is the teachings of one of my own yoga teachers, Yoganand (Michael Carroll.) He says that no matter who you are- how successful, educated, beautiful, thin, rich, popular, or healthy, that our biggest fear is our own death That is why we work so hard to define ourselves. To give meaning to our lives. Meaning could be a family, job, volunteer work, education, material things etc. We surround ourselves with our own importance and then we feel more secure in the fact that we cannot die. We are too busy or too important to die. We have too much going on for the business of dying.

During Josh's illness, my father said to me that we are all dying. "Each one of us is dying a little bit every day," I am a yoga teacher by profession and yoga is my spiritual path. My yoga mat can sometimes feel like a raft that I cannot let go of. Other times it feels like my magic carpet setting my heart and soul free to fly. My yoga mat is sometimes my prison and sometimes my church.

Today as I practice in the silence of early morning and take a moment to honor Josh's remarkable journey with cancer, it occurs to me once again that if we all could bare to face up to the fact that each one of us is going to die, acknowledge that each day we all get one step closer to our own death, that once we accept this, then we can know true peace of mind and obtain freedom from our own self imposed suffering. We can let go of our need to control everything and all of it. Thinking we are "separate" and special is a disease that leads to suffering. We learn instead that we are connected to everyone and everything. We are a part of all life has to offer. We are a part of all beauty and joy. We are also a part of all sadness and suffering. When we understand this union with everything than we can take in love and fully occupy our place in the world.

When I look back to last year and recall how my seventeen year old nephew faced something so difficult and scary as cancer with courage and compassion, I am reminded of what is important. To live in fear is to live a wasted life. The best we can do is to love ourselves and each other, take courage from that, and live each day with enthusiasm.

Time For Me

This week I reaped the rewards of being an owner of a yoga studio. Instead of constantly concerning myself with the current recession and how to creatively keep my business thriving, I was able to leave all that aside. For almost a full week. Instead of changing diapers, picking up the relentless clutter and for countless hours drive my older kids all over town, I got to roll out my own yoga mat and train. For the unheard of length of five days, I got to practice yoga for almost eight hours each day at an advanced yoga workshop. One of the best parts was that it all took place in my own studio.

At this stage in my life, the ability to take a yoga workshop is an extreme luxury. When I get together with other yoga studio owners, I hear all about the fantastic trainings they are pursuing. I hear about yoga in Maya Tulum, week long detoxes at yoga spas, and studying with big name teachers. When they begin to tell me about their newest training endeavor, I am always polite. I ask questions. I nod my head in approval. I look at my peers and I smile. I am outwardly supportive but inside I seethe, just a little. You see, I want it all- to be a present mother, successful studio owner, inspiring teacher, caring and compassionate wife and friend. I want to do every amazing training out there. But I can't. Financially, emotionally and time wise-it is just not gonna happen for me right now. I am already maxed out in what I can and cannot do. From past experience, I know that if I take on anymore there will be ragged edges and the possibility of burn out looming large.

In recent years I have learned that I have to say no. Make choices. Honor what I need but also shelf some things (such as consistent and regular yoga training) for later. In my limited world I have seen the harsh results of trying to do it all. I have seen the failure of marriages between some of my oldest and dearest friends. I have seen how rapidly my friend's children have grown up. I understand in my heart and head how precious this time is with my family. I am aware that one day I will have to check with my children's schedules to see if they have time for me. I don't want to miss out. I don't want to forget.

Instead of forgetting, my experience with yoga this week allowed me to remember. I got to remember who I am, underneath all of my self imposed chatter and seep myself with compassion even when every muscle in my body was burning. I got to bring my focus inside. I got to have no expectations. I notice that I am much better at letting go of expectation on my yoga mat then in my daily life. This practice of letting go of expectation is truly radical and unfamiliar to most of us. To break that connection, to see impulses and thoughts arise and not act on them, not label them as real or unreal, but simply to observe them-this is how to turn off your auto-pilot. This is the beginning of developing “witness consciousness,” creating transformation and honestly taking control of your life.

This yoga workshop was physically demanding and I came up against difficult sensations and my own resistance over and over again. I watched stories about my yoga ability and my body play out. It was not always pretty.

As my hips began to open after five days of fire hydrants and cow's face pose, I realized that it was my sense of self that opened the most. I observed the patterns of thoughts that showed up like a relentless dictator. I watched my “wild child” side as she begged me to bail out. Yoga is designed to create a churning and so I was. On every level. I couldn't come up with a default strategy such as making myself busy to avoid what I was feeling. There was nowhere for me to go. No job to do, no child to take care of, no cupboard to stand in front of. I had to stay on my mat and watch. This was hard work! I noticed that I have developed a self-image, a complex system of values, a concept of my world with certain patterns of behavior and thoughts. In short, I have created a movie, cast myself as the star and am spending the majority of my life acting out the script.

Isn't it interesting how we invent ourselves and then we are imprisoned by our choices? We think we are in control of our life, that we are making our own choices, when in reality the choices are being made for us by our own movie script. This is a form of bondage. In yoga language, this is “avidya” or self-ignorance. The gift of yoga is that it begins to thin this veil of illusion. It thins this veil of illusion and requires that we do so from the right action of compassion.

My yoga teaches me that it is only from a space of loving compassion that we can see our patterns, our automatic responses that previously existed below the level of consciousness, and it is in that moment that we are given the opportunity to be freed. This week I was able to get quiet and start looking at my own tiresome and destructive patterns and was able to stay present and be fearless in my inquiry. I got to hear the cries of my own heart and by becoming a loving witness, I felt as if I could hear the cries of the world.

After five days, I emerged off of my yoga mat renewed and saw unlimited potential in clearing away the self-imposed patterns that imprison me. On the yoga mat, there are no mysteries and life is one big wonderful mystery. All of this at the same time. All of this in the same moment.
Like most of us, I am continuously trying to find balance. For me it is the balance between between being a mother to three, running two yoga studios and finding precious and quiet time for myself. This week I got to create a five day island of peace in the midst of chaos. A time in my life where the demands seem constant and there is hardly a moment when I am not bombarded with stimulation. I got to take off my “social” mask, my “professional” mask and my “mommy” mask and go on an inward expedition. I got to investigate. I got to stand in the fire. I got to surrender in silence. I got to pause. I got to breathe.

Passion

This week I have been struck by passion. Not my own passion. Well not at first anyways. This week I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by the passion of others and I have to say that it has impacted me in unexpected and thoughtful ways.

My wake up to passion started last Thursday when I went to pick up Sadie, my beloved and busy two year old, from her new in-home daycare. As I let myself in through the back door, I was immediately greeted by one of Sadie's little friends whom I had yet to meet. She was a beautiful 3 year old girl with long dark hair, big brown eyes and pink and white striped tights. As I met her smile with my own, Sadie came whipping around the corner with her little fists planted on her hips. "NO!!!," my own daughter shouted to the little girl with pink and white tights, "That is MY MOMMY!!" She looked directly at the girl and for a moment I believe that Sadie contemplated pushing her to the ground. Instead she ran into my arms and gave me a big hug. In that instant, she was all mine. I was all hers. There was nothing else.

OK, so maybe there are some lessons for Sadie to learn (in due time) about sharing, but even with that said, I felt my heart open up wide to my youngest daughter and how fierce her love is. It allowed me to think about my own love for others and this encounter prompted me to ask myself if I let my love for those closest to me to reveal itself so open and wide and without restraint?

My second encounter with the passion of others was also a surprise. Friday night I went out to a local pub to see my husband Matthew and his band, 3 Bean Soup, play. These guys were truly incredible and they played all of their songs with a sense of freshness and aliveness. They were playing a variety of old favorites such as Beatles, U2, and Crosby Stills and Nash. Even though the songs were not new, there was something very current about the way they sounded.

As I watched my husband vibrate with energy as he belted out "You can't always get what you want...," by the Rolling Stones, I thought about how tired he had been earlier in the day from a full work week as a programmer and yoga teacher. I also knew that he had been up in the early hours of the night before with a crying baby and had watched Sesame Street with her at 2am. None of that tiredness or ragged edge was evident as I watched his band play. Even though it was close to midnight, these guys were hitting the mark. They were on fire. The crowd was loving it. They were loving it. Again it struck me. Passion. It is contagious to be in the presence of a person who has it.

Passion is compelling and powerful emotion. It can be the best aspects of the human heart. We all have it. It is just that sometimes we feel cut off from it. Maybe the mundane duties of navigating through the responsibilities of our lives sever our connection to such a depth of feeling. Maybe we are scared to truly unleash our potential, unaccustomed to such fierceness and intensity.

When I was confronted with the passions of those I love, it made me want to wake up my own passion. I felt a glimpse of "awakening" in my own being and wanted to follow that spark. The passion of those around me made me ask my own self, " What am I doing in my life right now to ignite my own internal fire?"

As a yogi, I am always rediscovering and studying what it is like to be a human being. I am sometimes painfully aware that I only inhabit a small part of my life. Aren't we all a little like this? We meander through our life, almost as if asleep, separated from our deepest sources of energy, intelligence or creativity. However, the beauty of the message I received from the discovery of passion in others was that I can re spark my own love for my life at any time. Nobody else can do that for me and I don't need to wait for anyone or anything. I don't need to become a better yoga teacher, lose five pounds or have the laundry complete. I can begin to inhabit my life more fully at any moment and in any situation.

The intense emotion and burning that I saw in others this week was an unexpected gift. It made me go to my yoga with mat with a newness and a sense of inquiry into who I am. I must admit I still do not know the answer. But isn't there beauty in uncertainty?

I do believe it is in these little moments of waking up that brings us to yoga. Yoga begins when we become ready to meet ourselves and claim our lives to the fullest potential. Yoga begins when we set out on our own personal journey to reunite with who we truly are. It doesn't matter if we ever arrive at our imagined destination or find a rainbow ending. All that matters is the journey. We just need to take it.

My Yoga Muse Has A Lot To Say

I am a 42 year old mother, wife, studio owner and yogi but if somebody really wanted to get to know me it would be most immediate to climb inside my head while I am practicing yoga. First of all, I love yoga. I teach yoga, I teach teachers how to teach yoga. I write about yoga. I talk about yoga and I practice yoga. Every day that I can, I practice yoga. Sometimes soft and sometimes hard. Right now, at the point of life I am in with two yoga studios, three children (one who is young enough that she still does not sleep through the night, one that is currently obsessed with The Beatles and WOW, a totally addictive computer game, and one that is a stunning preteen totally unaware of her brilliance and beauty), two cats, two parents who live underneath me in an in-law apartment and a husband who is pouring himself into his own business to make it fly, I usually choose the hard. The sweat is merciful and the intensity is what my body and mind needs to release its bitchiness, woes, and sorrows.

After a hot and demanding yoga class complete with hundreds of downward facing dogs, plank poses, wheels and handstands, I finally begin to dissolve my relentless mind and let my body and all of its stories and misunderstandings melt onto the floor. It is only then, in my own personal puddle of sweat, that I begin to understand who I am and what I am clinging to. Isn't it ironic that clarity and softness comes to me in a room heated to 90 degrees after an hour or so of my body and mind stretching, reaching, breathing, folding, arching, jumping, trusting, opening and closing?

One of the biggest wake up calls I got at the end of a yoga class was when I heard the teacher say, “We all create our own suffering.” I create my own suffering? What kind of new age simplified concept is that? And yet when I heard him speak these words while I laid on the floor completely chilled out in corpse pose, I felt a familiar tingle in my belly. I felt an immediate reaction to truth and I knew my teacher's words were right on. Suffering is not something that is done to me by others or by circumstance but rather suffering is my own creation. I can choose how to be in every situation in my life. I can choose to be fine with the fact that today I must pick the discarded cheesy macaroni up off the floor under my daughter's high chair, that I must empty the overflowing cat box, and face a mountain of laundry. Today I can anticipate getting into and driving my own car that I make a hefty payment on each month and recoil as it's interior glares at me with too many empty water bottles, strewn pennies and papers, and various elements of my children such as mismatched flip flops, lollipop sticks, coloring books, topless magic markers, and the remains of a melted cookie baking inside the black fabric of Sadie's car seat. Today I can go into bitterness and resentment as I realize that, yet again, I am too busy to clean up something as basic and necessary to my own life as my car.

I can choose to whine and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to be present in every situation of my life. Being present for daily life does not consist of judging but is instead made up of slowing down and listening. Listening to myself, listening to the cues of my environment, listening to my loved ones and listening to others. Not reacting. Not going into automatic pilot. I can analyze, discern, slice and dice every moment and try to determine how everything and everyone is going to impact me. What kind of deal, good or bad, will I get out of this situation and what will others think of me? What will my yoga students think of me if they catch a glimpse inside my messy car in the parking lot of my studio? What will strangers in the supermarket parking lot think of me if they happen to glance through windows smeared with my toddlers finger prints? I can choose to go into dread and shame or I can choose to not prejudge each situation that comes my way and just go with it.

I can drive my car today, put the sun roof down and the sunglasses on and get where I need to go. I can enjoy the humming and singing of my three children to The Beatles “Hey Jude.” I can take in the feisty spirit of my one year old as she smiles at me with one dimple when I look at her through my rear view mirror and immediately blows a spit bubble to make her nine year old brother laugh. I can also take in that my emo preteen daughter still looks forward to running errands with me and talking about life in-between the text messages that are coming and going, fast and furious underneath her nail bitten fingers.

If I take a moment to slow down and let my immediate reaction of loathing for myself and my messy car dissipate, I take a deep breath and begin to know the truth. The truth is not dramatic but it is beautiful in its own simple way. The truth is that my car will get picked up when I have the time. The truth is that when I pick it up it will be on a day when I actually have the time to do so and I will not feel rage or resentment inside, only pleasure and satisfaction as I take on the task.

The other truth is that my Honda will get messy again. Yoga teaches us that life goes on. Trying to control life is like harnessing a lightening bolt.

Yoga and Security

Are there any guarantees in life? Can yoga guarantee us feelings of safety or security? What would being safe and secure and at home within my body and to have a secure sense of who I am feel like? These are the questions I asked myself in my yoga practice this week after I found myself come face to face with my fears both small and large. Today I write about security. This does not surprise me, especially with the recent news of my nephew being diagnosed with cancer, that I am questioning what is safety, what is security and what does it feel like or look like? Is it ever really attainable?

Lately I have been feeling secure about myself as a yogi, yoga teacher and studio owner. This feeling of self assurance is newer to me and to allow myself to acknowledge and feel “safe” about my own accomplishments is a huge step up the self growth ladder. It has taken years for me to deprogram my belief system that anything I have obtained from my own hard work could be lost in a moment. It has taken me a lifetime to believe that I am worthy and deserving of success. When I talk about this with students, I know I am not alone. Like many women, I am also a person who struggles with self judging and criticism; keenly aware of my areas where I could grow and improve. Through my 10 years of yoga practice, I have learned to see my self-imposed obstacles or “stuck” places as areas of fascination as opposed to faults.

Last week I was feeling safe with the certainty that my small yoga business was thriving and more importantly, providing authentic, satisfying, and meaningful yoga to its clients,when Dawn and I decided to go to Starbucks for a latte so that we could brainstorm our 10 days of Power Yoga classes. We don't usually go “outside the Samadhi building” for our creative process so this was highly unusual.

Anyways, at around 10:30am on a Thursday morning, I found myself content and well settled into an overstuffed dark green chair with my black notebook opened up in front of me. Dawn was sitting in an identical chair in front of me. Our lattes sat half empty on the small coffee table between us. The Starbucks was devoid of customers except for us and we were immersed in our planning session when I felt a strange but familiar feeling wash over me. The recognizable feeling showed up in my belly as a gnawing in my stomach lining and at my confidence. Suddenly my latte was battery acid inside of me. Inadequacy spread through my bones and a flush rose to my face. In that one instant, I was aware that my hair was unwashed and that there was white fur from my cat clinging to the cuffs of my black yoga pants. I felt dirty, tiny, enormous and insignificant all at the same time.

I am embarrassed to say who or what provoked such a strong response of inadequacy and shame in me but I would not be me if I kept it inside. As a yogi whose yoga practice is not only a physical practice but a spiritual practice, whose yoga is a way of life that contributes to me trusting that I can open and be loving and compassionate to myself and others, I believe that all of my experiences are opportunities for awareness. Yoga is an awareness practice. It teaches us how to react appropriately in each situation. We may not always react in the way that has the most grace but we keep trying, over and over again, until we don't have to try anymore. I am not quite there.

What caused this momentary (ok- I admit I was out of sorts for half a day) lapse into feeling small and inadequate and unsafe in my world. It was the unexpected appearance of the owner of a nearby yoga studio breezing into the tiny coffee shop with some of her friends. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal and it really isn't. She is simply another human being running a yoga business- just like me. She's got her strengths and weaknesses- just like me. I will assume she does her job well-just like me and I know that she appeals to a slightly different yoga client. There is no reason why we cannot operate nearby one another. We do operate near one another. Without any problems. So why did I feel inadequate? Why did I feel exposed and unsafe? Why was my security about my identity as a yoga teacher and business women temporarily altered?

The owner of the other studio never did look my way and I wasn't sure how I would react if she did. I don't want to suggest that there is anything deviant about the other yoga studio owner. She is a well deserving, hard working, successful yoga teacher. This is not about her. Being a business women, I fully understand that competition is part of the package and that it can and should be healthy. Nor do I think that it is desirable for any yoga studio to monopolize all the yoga. To feel safe and secure is to believe that “there is enough to go around.” I am content with my studio just the way it is right now. I am open to my yoga business evolving and growing but I am also of the belief system that where my business is in this moment is exactly where it needs to be.

We left the Starbucks about a ½ hour after her arrival. She was still there with her friends and it was weird that we never even acknowledged each other. When Dawn and I got out into the parking lot, I was the lion in the Wizard of Oz before he got his badge of courage but I am also going to be gentle on myself and will go out of my way to say “hi” to this person the next time the situation presents itself. I am thankful to report that once I removed myself from the discomfort of the “sighting,” I gained some clarity. When I brought up the scenario to my partner, he asked me why I did not feel secure about myself an who I am?

Security. I looked it up in the dictionary. It has a few different meanings and they all fascinate me and apply to my life in this moment. Who can claim that they have not felt insecure? Whether we feel insecure around our appearances, our relationships, our status, our jobs, our parenting, etc. Somewhere and at some time in each of our lives we have all questioned our own sense of being secure with what is. Yoga teacher, Michael Caroll (Yoganand) teaches that we all ultimately fear of our own death. In order to avoid thinking about our own death, we spend a great deal of time making ourselves important with our identities and accomplishments,etc. so that we can believe we are too busy or needed or important to die.

Security: to feel safety and assurance. To secure is to anchor or fix. To be secure with one's self is to be self assured. To secure something is to guarantee it.

With the recent news of my nephew facing the uncertain as he undergoes a ravishing yet lifesaving chemotherapy; my family and I have been forced to be with the truth that there are no guarantees in this life about anything. My nephew's prognosis is positive. His type of lymphoma is curable but the road to that cure will be most likely filled with pain. The Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh elegantly states in his Five Truths: There is no escaping pain, getting sick or growing old. There is no escaping separation from our loved ones. There is no escaping death. The only thing we can be sure of is change. Can I take comfort in these words?

I am learning through my yoga that when life is full of pain or loss or sorrow, our most challenging practice becomes baring that truth. We have to hold our own pain and the pain of others softly in our hearts, keeping our hearts open, positive, and loving.

In light of recent circumstances, it is no mystery to me now that I reacted the way I did to the situation at Starbucks. For three weeks I have been unknowingly questioning security at the deepest level. It is terrifying to think that someone I love so dearly cannot escape pain or loss. I have been aware of my shattered security somewhere deep inside of me yet each day is a new day and I keep myself busy, help out my sister in any way I can and try not to think about that which I cannot control. As a coping strategy, this worked for a while but that which we hold down will eventually reveal itself and usually in some unexpected way. There is a yoga saying that goes something like this, “If the universe is trying to get your attention, at first it will just tug at your arm. Next it will tug at your legs. If you don't acknowledge the universe's calling out to you, eventually it will throw you off the bus.”

At Starbucks, the universe tugged at my arm. I was being called to examine my security with my self and with this precious world. To examine the truth about safety and security and to find my own solace, I turned to my yoga practice. I asked myself what is it that I need to feel secure in my body. I have been called to define my own definition of security. I have decided that to feel secure is to feel at home. To be at home means to feel safe and to be in a community that cares. In other words, to be secure is to feel safe in my surroundings and to be loved.

In each “asana” or pose I practiced this week, I asked myself, “What is safety and What is security?” As I intuitively explored pose after pose, I observed how I was drawn to forward folds. This comes as no surprise as forward folds have an emotional quality of feeling safe and cared for. In“paschimottanasana” or seated forward fold, I would tell myself that “I am safe.” and “ I am sound.” In “bahda konasana” or bound angle, I made the discovery that softness deserves a space inside my existence alongside my strength.

I was also drawn to balancing poses, both the standing balance poses such as Warrior 3 and the arm balance poses such as Handstand. My need for these poses did surprise me, because these are poses where I could ultimately falter or fall out of, but when I let myself really stay in each balance pose, I began to understand why I sought them out. Underneath the vulnerability, the hesitation and the doubt of mastering the pose, I observed each sensation, let my truth be absorbed into each inhale and exhale, and when I finally allowed that to happen, I felt strong and steady. As I anchored my hands or my feet to the mat, I felt that I could handle anything that life will present to me.

“I can handle anything that life will present to me.” Those are the words I needed to hear.

05/12/08

During challenging times, I turn to my yoga practice and it calms me and reassures me that I am going to be ok and have the resolve and patience I need to get through each interaction I have with others and myself.

Recently I have been feeling grounded and present in Mountain Pose. In the midst of chaos, I am able to access stillness and a sense of knowing that every thing is all ready "ok." Here is a poem I wrote that captures how I feel lately when I practice :


There is a city within my body
complete with noises,
angry motorists,
busy pedestrians,
smog,
violence,
poverty.

But
this city is humanity
in both its dark and light forms,
in it's day and night,
its outside and inside
sometimes softened
by the night air
where stars shine down
on me.

Come city
lift up your chin
and gaze upward
knowing that you too
have the same stars
singing.

The city never sleeps.



Sincerely,

Anne Falkowski

05/08/08

Each morning on my early morning run, I consider myself one of the fortunate to be out in nature before most of the world is even awake and I almost always breathe a sense of relief and gratitude for my time alone with my self and with nature. Last Thursday, I noticed that everything was blossoming and temperatures were on the rise. This is the time of year that I usually feel renewed and a sense of hope. Last Thursday, hope and renewal were hidden behind the face of sadness and fear.

This past week my family has been facing difficult and heart wrenching times as one of my nephews was diagnosed with lymphoma that is both aggressive and rampant in his bones and marrow. The lymphoma seemed to have developed overnight. The good news is that we have come together as a family to support him and his parents in every way. The best news is that the doctors believe that this is curable. But the treatment is painful with intense chemo beginning for my nephew on Monday.

Last week before we knew all the facts, my mind had spiraled into a scary place, thinking the worse and with each hour, I could feel despair growing like a weed inside of me. Last week, during one of my panic stricken moments, my good friend, who is not a yoga person but is a cancer survivor, gave me the best advice and it has been her words that have grounded me since.

She told me to "be in the moment," to not go forward into the present or back to the past. These were the words of a wise woman and these words echo the yoga practice I have been committed to for 10 years. They were words I could hang on to and bring me solace. To be in present moment awareness is both comforting and truthful. It keeps us from spiraling into "what if" or "what could be" or into "who is to blame." Being in the moment keeps us in reality and it also fosters a deep appreciation for each moment. In the present situation the practice of "being in the moment" allows me to step into my best self and help my nephew and his parents from a place of calmness and love.

Since the news, my life is changed. Each morning when I wake up and during every mountain pose I practice, I bring my hands to my heart and I set my intention to "be in the moment." I now recognize that this is the path I need to be on for the time being. Each moment, whether it is with my nephew, his mother, my mother, my partner, my children, my students or my friends is a gift not to be tainted with fear. I would rather be fully present, honest, and relaxed that anxious and scared. To be able to hold an intention for myself each day is one of the teachings that yoga has to offer. Creating an intention for ourselves does not mean we will be perfect, instead it means to keep coming back to our intentions over and over again and eventually our road will go that way.

Intentions have great power. We all get off track or, as in my case, have crisis that throw us off track and we lose the path we want to be on. As yogis, we learn to keep coming back to our intention. Here are some sample intentions, but the best way to set an intention is to listen to your own heart and what it yearns for.

Today I will practice generosity.
I will be more patient with
I will notice my feelings and try to feel my feelings instead of pushing them away.
I will listen to other points of view without trying to push my own agenda.
I will respond lovingly when others are upset.
I will remember to stop at moments throughout the day, breathe deeply, and relax every part of my body.
Today I will focus on the blessings in my life.

Respectfully,
Anne Falkowski

04/29/08

Last Friday I was all set to go into the studio for a much needed day of attending paperwork and returning phone calls. Many of these detailed yet essential tasks had been brushed aside over the past week as Dawn, my office manager, was performing with her Kung Fu team in China and I had to call in sick to the yoga studio almost every morning to take care of three kids with a tummy bug. Last Friday everyone in my family was finally healthy for the first time in over a week. I was looking forward to a full devoted to my yoga studios. I was planning to start my morning by taking John's power yoga class and then settling in with my phone and computer. After a week plus of my routines being thwarted, I couldn't wait to bring everything back to normal. I was craving my yoga, my alone time, my habits; all that I receive from a full day of work.

It was at that very moment of longing and anticipation, when I was freshly showered and dressed in my best yoga outfit that I got a last minute phone call from my babysitter informing me that her car had broken down in her driveway. Talk about disappointment. Momentary feelings of self pity washed over me from head to toe. As I have no last minute child care backup, it meant that once again, I must shelf my own needs as a yogi, business owner, and an adult to stay at home.

Last Friday was a gorgeous spring day. They don't get any more beautiful. The breeze was gentle, the sun was warm and kissed my bare arms. Flying high above my one year old daughter and my own head was a large bumblebee. The bee was happily flitting and buzzing up in the sky and could have cared less about us. It was during one of these moments that Sadie noticed a patch of dandelions. She has never seen a dandelion before and her face lit up in inquiry. With enthusiasm and determination she crawled on bare knees across the lawn to examine these new found treasures. At first she explored the bright yellow flowers with her right foot, hesitantly touching the face of one lucky dandelion with her big toe. Soon, she needed more and brought her face down to the ground and began to examine its texture by brushing up against the head of the flower with her cheeks and eyelids. This still was not enough. In a flash of a moment, she brought her chubby fist to the flower and picked the yellow head off of its stem. As she brought the flower to her lips, she looked at me. By this time I was sitting next to her, cross-legged, observing her sense of curiosity and wonder.

She looked at me to see my response. I felt myself wanting to tell her, "No!" "Do not eat the flowers! That is wrong! That is yucky! That is sick!" My mind quickly told me that eating flowers could possibly be dangerous. What will she eat next? Rocks worms, or twigs? Isn't my duty as a mother to teach her how to stay safe in this world?

But in that moment, I chose a different route. Instead of stating the habitual and over used, "No," I chose a different path and let myself soften. In that moment I couldn't help it - I smiled. My own smile emerged from a momentary awakening into what really mattered to me. My own realization of how precious this moment was. After I offered my smile to Sadie, she smiled back. This was no ordinary smile. Sadie grinned in pure delight. She had a light in her eyes and bright yellow flecks of dandelion stuck between her eight teeth. In all of my life, I have never seen a sight more beautiful.

My point is this: we choose our own paths and ultimately create our own experiences. We will never be able to control all of the circumstances in our lives. Each and every one of us cannot escape loss, disappointment, and change. We may not have choices around our circumstances but we do have choices regarding our reactions. Yoga teaches us this. As we practice on our mats, we continuously make choices. "Do I stay in the pose or do I release? Do I let go of perfection in the alignment of my pose and honor my experience just as it is right now?" Do I choose to experience the fullness of the pose by softening or do I choose to keep striving no matter the cost?" Yoga teaches us that we can be both a skillful practitioner and yet embrace our humanity as well.

There is a word in tantric yoga called poorna. Poorna translates as fullness or wholeness. As yogis, we want to experience our yoga practice on the yoga mat and ultimately our lives off of the yoga mat in the fullest possible dimension. We are continuously refining our skills yet at the same time we learn to let go of perfection and realize that there are no mistakes. There is only learning. The physical practice of yoga is an embodiment of asana, breath and meditation. May our lives be an embodiment as well. May we all laugh fully, love fully and live fully. According to the modern day yoga philosopher Douglas Brooks, "Yoga doesn't give you anything new. It gives you the process of engagement with who you are."

Blessings,

AnneFalkowski

04/23/08

When it comes to my professional life, I am in the habit of taking on too much. I love to take on new projects, new workshops, and new yoga classes. Taking on new things is exciting to me. In a work environment I love challenge and change. This would be fine if I didn't have a life outside of my professional one but I do. I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, auntie, friend, artist, writer, knitter, reader, cook, runner, and many other things. Sometimes I take things on at work without even consulting my partner or my calendar. This can be like playing with fire. I would like to say that I thrive on the chaos and to a certain point I do, but taking on every challenge can also deplete me. In the end, taking on too much is a form of self sabotage. You watch a few bridges go up in flames all because you overbooked yourself and can't be and do everything you promised. As I realize I take on too much and will ultimately disappoint someone, feelings of dread and guilt will set in and plant itself deep within my center.

So this week when I made the decision (once again) to slow myself down and not to commit to everything (for a while) and to be home with my family more- I got sick. One of those nasty tummy bugs coupled with some upper respiratory difficulty. This does not surprise me. Although I had made the decision to slow down, I wasn't intending on starting immediately. I saw it as a slow process. A process that I would enter into gradually. Gradual never happened. Becoming pale as white linen, incredibly tired and observing my insides emptying out over and over again happened instead. I believe my "bug" was my body's way of slowing me down and agreeing with the decision I made. Being sick this weekend kept me from attending a workshop at my studio, cleaning out my garage, running 6 miles and trying to act like superwoman as I hosted our guest teacher. Being sick gave me more time with my children as I couldn't do much more than loaf around in my pajamas. My children were also not feeling well so we hung out together under our comforters and drank gallons of ginger ale, sucked on Popsicles and watched movies too silly to name here.

This is what I took from being sick for the past 5 days:

Taking care of ourselves is absolutely essential and sacred. In order to take care of ourselves completely, it is important to clear out of our lives the things that are standing in our way of self care. For example, if you are always taking care of others first before you take care of yourself, then you will lose touch with what you need. This was the case with me. As I added workshop after workshop in a desire to take care of my studio and serve my students. (and also to enable me to grow as a yoga teacher), I lost touch with the fact that I also needed down time, not only with myself but with my husband and kids as well. Before I know it, my 11 year old daughter will no longer want to cuddle with me under a blanket watching "chick flicks." If I am lucky, I can get a few more years in of couch cuddling. If I am lucky.....

Everybody has needs. We have needs for alone time, expression, creativity, to be loved and to love back. These are just a few. A wise yogi understands that he or she has needs that vary and change.

In any crisis situation in our life (for example-an illness, death, job loss, financial setback, divorce, life change, depression, etc.) that has us experience fear, panic, numbness, or pain, it becomes increasingly clear that we need to reframe our relationship with ourselves.

Reframing our relationship with ourselves will set us on the healing path. When we our in a crisis situation, it would be wise to ask, "How can I use this time in my life to enrich my life, to connect me with what is really important to myself?" In other words, "What do I need to get rid of in my life? " What a rich question. "What memory programming do I need to let go of?" For me- the tape in my head that tells me I am not good enough would be a place to start. Let that message burn itself up. Ask yourself , "Who and what do I need to clear out of my life?"

In a crisis situation, consider how differently you would move through it if you ate healthy foods, drank more water, did lots of yoga, stayed grounded emotionally, took deep breaths, and spoke your truth from your heart.

How different would your decision making process be?

Here are four ways to practice yoga that will guide you to feel the sacredness within yourself:

1. Slow down and scan your body. The body doesn't lie. If you listen to it, it will tell you if it is hungry, scared, overwhelmed, hurting, happy, tired, etc. If you don't listen to it, it will eventually scream back at you.

2. Breathe. Use the breath to slow you down, overcome panic, soothe and restore.

3. Practice your yoga. Activity in the body creates energy which in turn creates more energy. This helps us to realign, open up and balance our entire structure. Our emotional backlog is gently released through the motion of yoga.

4. Meditate. Even if it is only in small doses. A regular meditation practice hones our quality of attention, silence, looking and feeling within. Meditation helps us to wake up and follow the direction of our own unique spirit.

Sincerely,

Anne Falkowski

04/10/08

Springtime is magical dynamic and sensuous. The aliveness of springtime is a mirror of the life force that is always pulsing within us. This is a time to shed that which keeps us from feeling most alive and should set the tone for the rest of the year. A proper hatha yoga practice will vary according to the time of year in our life. A springtime yoga practice should follow natures lead by gradually lightning us physically, mentally, and emotionally. A balanced springtime yoga practice will incorporate realistic goals for obtaining our highest form of health and vitality. Springtime is a time to focus on what makes you shine from within. The proper transition into springtime serves as a foundation for health for the rest of the year. Honor the spring as the morning of the year.

Yoga is not only an asana (posture) practice but a whole lifestyle practice. The following Sadhana (yoga practice) recommendations are a combination of lifestyle, diet and yoga practices that will shed lethargy or amma (the toxicity that accumulates during the winter months) and build a foundation for personal strength and vitality:

Lifestyle

1.The optimal time for going to sleep at night is 10pm. The optimal time for waking up is between 5:30am and 6:00am. When we get the right amount of sleep, it wakes up our internal agni. Agni is our internal fire. By waking up our internal fire, we can reduce lethargy which can come from sleeping in.

2.Upon waking-apply warm sesame oil to the whole body. Follow this with a hot shower and a brief cold rinse. This is an ayurvedic springtime ritual that will stimulate the lymphatic system and benefits the mind and emotions. This ritual also increases the immune system.

Diet

3.Eat less( or none) of foods that increase mucus; dairy products, iced or cold food or drinks, white bread, processed foods, and fried foods.

4.Drink detoxifying teas. A good one is a combination of cinnamon, ginger and black pepper. Yogi brand Detox Tea is also very nice. Drink these detoxifying teas one hour after breakfast and lunch. This serves to keep the digestive system healthy and to expectorate excess mucus.

5.Eat plenty of fresh and local vegetables. Local vegetables will serve as a gentle and natural cleansing to your system.

Lifestyle

6.Organize your home or your office.

7.Resolve lingering issues in your relationships. Practice peacemaking, forgiveness and understanding.

8.Find occasions where you can holler and scream with enthusiasm and joy. Kirtan is excellent.

Yoga Practice

9.A springtime hatha yoga practice should be a dynamic style of practice that is warming, stimulates our internal metabolic fire, improves circulation of prana so that excess toxins can be eliminated particularly from the lungs, heart and circulatory system.

10.The best postures for asana during the spring are Standing poses, standing twists, sun salutations and inversions.

11.Smooth rhythmic breathing (ujaii breath) particularly during sun salutations is key for maintaining concentration and spreading heat throughout the body. This inner heat melts away excess tissues in your body

Spring is here. Finally. Whatever your yoga practice, you should come away feeling warmed, invigorated and light. Your circulation should be energized and your chest and lungs open. At the end of your practice, the mind and senses should be sharp and clear and any emotional heaviness released and forgotten.

There is no need to wait. Start your yoga practice exactly where you are. All you need to do is come to the mat. Bow your head and offer a prayer of gratitude to nature and set your intentions for your practice. Chant the sound AUM and begin.

With love,

Anne Falkowski

04/03/08

For the Falkowski family, the past year and a half has been a time of building. Since the fall of 2006, we have added a 2nd yoga studio, 2 new business partners, a baby, a major move of our Manchester Studio to a new location,
and another full-time business for Matthew. In that order, we have made all these changes. All though each of these additions have been positive in their own way, they have also brought about a lot of tasks and responsibilities into our already busy lives. As new tasks and responsibilities come into our life each year, it can get easy to lose track of what really makes you happy.

For me, yoga is a blessing. I take one hour and 15 minutes each day and focus on what makes me happy. In my yoga
practice, I pay attention to the little things that make me smile. I set an intention of focusing on what I need to feel balanced and whole each day. My yoga practice not only protects my emotional well-being but that protects my physical health as well.

On my yoga mat, I continue to grow and develop as a woman, mother, and human being. On my yoga mat, I have learned to be truthful, strong, and courageous, even if it is for only five breaths. On my yoga mat, I have learned that I am far from perfect but that perfection is not as important as being authentic and real. On my yoga mat, I have learned that I am happy. I just have to pay attention to what makes me happy and follow
some simple lessons to rediscover my passion for life when I start to get overwhelmed by tasks and responsibilities
of living a full life.

Here are some essential lessons I have learned from yoga and try to follow in my daily life:

Value what you love to do. There are always items to add to your to-do list, but don't forget the diversions that you love. Do you look forward to reading in bed, going out to breakfast, taking long walks, or listening to music?
Make sure that some of your favorite diversions happen each day. Only you can make this happen. It is important
to identify what you need and then follow through and do it. Even if that means slowing down for an hour or so regardless of the size of your chore list. I usually know that I am not getting enough of my favorite diversions when feelings of resentment crop up towards others for simple things like returning phone calls or I feel overwhelmed to take on a small task in my life such as putting away the groceries or folding laundry. In times like these, I seek refuge by sneaking away to my favorite knitting store to sit and knit even if the dishes are overflowing. The army of dishes will still be there when I get home. After a few hours of knitting and purling row after row, the dishes seem to get done with an ease instead of an underlying rage.

Build your strength and independence. We all have low-energy days and have times when we want to skip our regular
yoga practice but if you can resist your urge to bail out on your yoga (or any other exercise you are dedicated to) you will be rewarded both now and later. Just get yourself to the yoga mat. Once you are stretching and breathing, it is most likely that you will want to complete what you started and you will feel good about doing so. Sticking with your exercise plan will help you feel good about yourself and also strengthen your immune system and enhance your body's production of mood-boosting hormones.
Don't let stress zap you of joy. Diffuse daily hassles by practicing stress-reduction strategies. As a yoga teacher, I recommend taking short deep-breathing breaks throughout the day. A minute of Ujaii breath will relax you, get more oxygen into your blood stream, resulting in a greater feeling of calm. Take a brisk walk outside, hug someone you love, have a good laugh, get a massage, sing in the shower, write in a journal. All of these are effective means for reducing tension, stress, depression and anxiety. Find ways to lift your spirits other than eating the sugary and salty snacks you might crave when you are feeling frantic.

Give back to others. This is Karma Yoga or the yoga of service. Share your skills and talents with a local school, club or organization whom you would like to volunteer or participate. Being engaged in your local community is good for your emotional health and will make our world a better place. We all have unique talents and gifts that we can share. We also learn a tremendous amount about ourselves and others when we mentally and emotionally stretch and meet new people outside of our social comfort zone. For instance, when I volunteer my time with people with disabilities, it helps me to break down barriers between myself and others and to see the world from a different perspective.
Appreciate the people around you. Appreciate your family, loved ones, and friends. The openness and trust you share with these important people can help give you the perspective you need to cope with everyday challenges.

Share a good laugh with others. Don't forget about relationships at work. Colleagues and co-workers can provide valuable support during stressful situations. I could not imagine what my life would be like if Dawn and I did not value each other. As co-workers, we spend many hours together each week and I know that our mutual respect and trust for one another positively impacts my happiness at my workplace.

Feeling satisfied and fulfilled with our lives is essential to our emotional and physical well-being. Through my yoga, I have
learned to appreciate who I am and what I need to feel good. When I take care of myself, ultimately I am taking care of my relationships with others and as a result I am putting positive vibes out in this world. Do a little yoga today, on and off your mat, and you will be amazed at just how good you feel.

03/26/08

When spring comes, I am drawn to the more physical practices of yoga. I have noticed that if I don't begin to move my body on a regular basis that as the days become longer, instead of feeling joy, I feel melancholy and out of
sorts. When these feelings of sadness begin to happen I now understand the root cause. Usually it just means that I need to honor my bodies need for shedding the sluggishness that winter can bring on.

Fortunately, the remedy is simple-move my body and eat foods that are in line with the springtime and are slightly cleansing. A gentle purification for the body and eventually the mind. To feel right in my world all I need to do is something physical that brings me joy and incorporate some of the fresh foods that my body naturally craves such as romaine lettuce, asparagus and all the wonderful spring greens that are beginning to show up in the produce aisle. How gentle is that? A simple yoga class and a healthy salad. It doesn't take much and my lifestyle becomes supportive to what I need.

I am a Kripalu Yoga Teacher and I love what the Kripalu tradition has to say about yoga as an exercise. Kripalu views yoga as a
transformative process that acts as an intensive housecleaning for the entire physical and mental systems. The practice of yoga is meant to purify. First a physical purification takes place as the body rids itself of the subtle impurities that stand in the way of vibrant health. Then yoga aims to remove the negative thought patterns that render the mind unsteady. Yoga helps us to feel absolutely right with our inner perceptions of who we are and let our best self shine forth.

If we feel sluggish or not right in our own bodies and minds, yoga is the perfect prescription to remedy this. A regular exercise and moderate eating program allows the body to begin to gradually eliminate its backlog of
impurities.

Swami Kripalu recommended making slow but steady lifestyle changes and deepening your yoga practice at a modest pace.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Swami Kripalu on yoga, exercise, and food:

"The body plays a significant role in human life. Without a body, we would not be able to perform a single action. With a body that is fully fit and healthy, we can perform many actions effectively. If the body is not fit, the other approaches to growth can not help us all that much"

"Everyone knows that it is best to eat moderately. Most people, however, only understand this intellectually and eat indiscriminately. People also know that it is important to exercise regularly in order to digest their food properly. Yet people rarely exercise enough and their food does not digest properly. As a result, physical waste
products are not excreted completely and go on collecting in the body. In much the same way, negative ideas accumulate in the mind. Purifying the body and the mind is not as easy as one might think. It is necessary to be
very patient."

"Many people mistakenly believe that eating moderately means taking only a small, fixed quantity of food per day. When a person exercises a little, his appetite is naturally reduced, so he should eat less than usual. On days when he exercises a lot, his appetite is increased, so he should eat more than usual. Thus, a person must guage how much he needs to eat at each meal by how much he exercises. One's appetite also increases or decreases according to one's emotions, for the body and mind are so intricately related. In this way, each meal tests our powers of discrimination."

"Exercise is a temple that purifies the body and mind. "

"Find physical exercises that suit your body and temperament and practice them daily."

"Lovers of health and vitality focus on physical exercise and develop their body until it is fit and firm. But their exclusive focus on the body prevents them form developing their minds. Lovers of the mind and willpower focus on mental exercise and develop their minds. But their exclusive focus on the mind prevents them from developing physical strength. The yogi develops the body and mind in a balanced way."

"For those doing manual labor all day, exercise is not necessary as the body needs rest. For those doing mental work all day, physical exercise is a way to give the mind a rest."

and finally..............my favorite quote from Swami Kripalu:

"You may often feel you that are not progressing, but if you are practicing to the best of your capacity that is an illusion. There is always progress being made, but you may not recognize it. In these practices, you need an ocean of patience. It is impossible to practice the big ocean of yoga if you have only one drop of patience."

May we all know true patience with ourselves,

Jai,

03/18/08

I connect with my body in a way that is non-judgmental
healthy and whole.

I need to stand still in the middle of the chaos.

When I am breathing I know that everything will be all right.

I fill my soul when it feels tired and taken for granted.

I can speak my truth

I can see beauty inside me and in you

I practice yoga to feel alive

I practice yoga to feel.


With Love,

Anne

03/04/08

This weekend I snuck into my newly decorated Samadhi Yoga Studio, Storrs during the quietness of a snow storm. We were supposed to be holding our grand reopening celebration this past Saturday but made a heartbreaking last minute decision to postpone the event due to the 6 inches of newly fallen snow and give the Storrs Studio the celebration it truly deserves the following weekend. (We will cross our fingers that the weather will be on our side this Saturday.)

The party was cancelled but I still felt compelled to go to the Storrs Studio anyways and immerse myself in the space, to honor it in my own way. When I opened the door to this newly redecorated space and turned on the lights, I was completely amazed at the transformation that had taken place in just three short days. Heather, our Storrs Studio Manager, poured her heart and talent for making things beautiful into what had been a tired and weary space.

As I sat in the middle of the transformed studio space and breathed in its beauty, fresh colors and new life force, I was overcome with love and gratitude. My heart opened wide and I felt an outpouring of thankfulness to the exceptionally talented and graceful people in my life, like Heather, and I was honored to be part of the positive change and healing space that she had brought to life. I breathed in the aliveness of the newly potted plants, the thoughtful shoe racks, the much needed coat hooks, the mounted speakers, and the scent of pine from the Zen like altar. I basked in the overall simplicity of the space combined with caring details and I felt hopeful and renewed.

Body Connection
If we are lucky, at some point in our lives we find our way to the things that truly make us feel good or healthy from the inside out. And when we do we are bound to think "I can't believe I don't do this every day!" This revelation could come at the end of a yoga class or a walk outside, a satisfying nutritious meal or from a great workout. Whatever path leads us to a healthy body connection, this path is a much needed touchstone for quieting the mind, bringing vitality to our lives, and helping us to move forward in a supportive way and to thrive in everything we do.

Choice
Samadhi Yoga Studio is committed to assist you in reaching your dreams for sustainable lifestyle change. We know that a healthy lifestyle is a path with many twists and turns. We know and understand that compassion and a non-judgmental attitude is at the core of all positive change. We also believe that choice is important because each person's body and experience is unique. What truly nourishes and supports us to be as healthy as possible varies from person to person and may change at different times in a person's life.

Samadhi Yoga Studio's yoga classes and workshops are designed to support choice and renewal. So this spring, renew your body and renew your commitment to your own health. Consider starting your day off with our new Yoga Boot Camp . This is perfect for those of you wanting to revitalize and step up your current fitness routine. Develop the habit of yoga for two straight weeks and emerge from our yoga boot camp your most calm, healthy and vibrant self. You won't believe how good you can feel until you try it.

If morning yoga doesn't work in your schedule, consider recharging in a late afternoon yoga class before dinner. How about a heated evening power class designed to invigorate you and radiate health from the inside out? Consider a rocking Power Yoga Jam on Friday afternoons. A perfect time to unwind, soothe your soul and create deep states of physical and mental health.

And don't forget the weekends. We offer popular yoga classes Saturday and Sunday mornings. Some of our students have commented that their yoga mat is a place of spiritual connection. Sunday afternoons offer an opportunity to give back to your community as you practice Karma Yoga to enhance your local community and give monetary support to non-profit organizations that make our towns better places for everyone to live. Sunday evening yoga is a magical time to practice self reflective yoga as you mentally and physically retreat to prepare for the busyness of the week ahead.

Samadhi Staff
Our teaching staff is unique and dedicated to their craft and each teacher and staff knows firsthand the power of yoga to transform their own lives. Our staff is made up of people who are engaged in their own inquiry for physical, emotional, and spiritual health and want to enrich your experience at Samadhi Yoga Studio by making it as positive an experience as possible. It is our intention for our studio to feel like a safe haven for you to relax into just being yourself in a way that our everyday lives don't always allow.

Community
There is a unique spirit at Samadhi and it brings out the best in people. The Studios are made up of diverse people of all ages and life experiences. Whether you come alone or with a friend or family member, you will find what you need. The environment at Samadhi supports rich profound conversations and it also supports the need for solitude and privacy.

Come to Samadhi Yoga Studio and reconnect to who you really are and what you truly need to empower your health, wellness, creativity and personal growth.

With much love,

Anne Falkowski
Samadhi Yoga Studio Founder and Director

02/21/08

Brrrr. As I write this, the morning is exceptionally brilliant and bitter yet I can feel springtime's presence softly pressing against the tireless cold. I can hear the spring song of the birds as the sun rises each morning a little earlier and I am reminded that warmer weather and newness is just around the corner.

This late winter/early spring we have carefully planned out yoga offerings so that they line up with our natural need for awakening our bodies after a winter's retreat. When I chose what to offer at the studio this season, I asked my own body what it needed and what it was calling for.

My body is calling for movement and new awakening. I feel the need to strengthen my yoga practice and increase my metabolism. I feel the need to move and sweat and inhabit my body from a place of support and strength. Check out our Yoga Boot Camp co-taught by Dawn and myself. We are looking forward to this two- week period of transformation. Another class that I am excited about offering for the first time at Samadhi Studio is Yoga and Weights taught by myself and Allie Capo-Burdick, a personal trainer and the owner of Vita Train 4 Life Fitness Center.

Maybe your body is calling for something slower. We are offering the Yin Yoga Series and Gentle Yoga Series as well.

I am confident that there is something here for everyone. Dedicate your spring to taking care of your body and your spirit. Spring is about coming fully awakened and blooming into your most healthful state, inside and out. Take some steps and do this today. Jump out of your box. Play. Laugh. Sweat. Stretch. Be Grateful. Live and Love.

Namaste,
Anne Falkowski

01/18/08

I am thrilled to invite you to our winter workshops and events that will take place over the next few weeks. We now have an online store and any event at Samadhi including regularly scheduled yoga classes can be purchased online. You can even add yoga classes to your Samadhi account from the convenience of your own home. Buying classes and workshops online will save you time when you arrive. If you are not computer savvy, do not worry. You can still sign up the old fashioned way-in person.

We are proud of the community we have built at Samadhi and are always excited to see the new faces that come with January resolutions. We cherish both the new and the familiar. All of our workshops and yoga classes are carefully constructed to support you in leading the healthiest and happiest lifestyle possible. Since Samadhi Yoga Studio opened its doors 7 years ago, our focus has been to teach the best possible yoga using guidelines that foster trust, relaxation within our bodies and mind, and the development of inner wisdom.

Some thoughts about why a regular yoga practice can profoundly change our lives: The relationship we have with our bodies cannot be separated from all we believe about being alive, from the foundation on which every other thing in our lives is built; relationships with ourselves, with others, money, work, love, death. When the basic foundation is understood directly, living takes on a kind of effortlessness and grace. This kind of ease and knowing is available to everyone.

Let your life be a deeply satisfying journey. We always start right where we are because there is nowhere else to start. Yoga allows us to transcend the world of appearances and shed light on what is happening beneath the surface. Everyday life is not apart from this process; it is actually part of it. Raising children, working, being angry, being sad, washing the dishes are all a part of it. We cannot separate who we are from the way we take care of and treat ourselves in our everyday lives.

Through yoga, I have learned that no feeling or situation is unworkable, not heartbreak, not grief, not disappointment, not sadness, not loneliness, not anger. Anything can be felt, sensed, worked through. Through yoga, I have learned how to strengthen my body and make it more relaxed and open. I have learned how to sit comfortably and how to go upside down. My overall posture is improved. My asthma that I have struggled with since I was a child is almost non-existent. In addition to the physical, in yoga I have learned that beating my self up because I am not perfect does not work. I have learned that embracing the qualities of curiosity and openness make me much happier than the qualities of control and fear. Yoga is not mental, not psychological, not emotional, yet is all of these and more. It is a bridge to your own guidance and essential presence.

Join us at Samadhi. One taste of this direct knowing and nothing can ever be the same.


Peace,
Anne Falkowski

01/10/08

"Be comfortable with yourself first - then be comfortable with the world." Susan Abenilla-Brown

One of my favorite ways to make myself feel strong, lean, and healthy is to get outside and hike. I love the hills. I love the fresh air or prana and I love the company I keep. I have a couple of girlfriends who are available to walk with me during the weekday. Their work schedule is flexible and we are well aware of how fortunate we are to be outside in nature while most people are at a desk. We are lucky to steal a little girl time to talk. What do we usually talk about? Relationships. While we are out in nature, stepping forward, away from the everyday sights and sounds of modernity, there is nothing more natural than for us to take the time to talk about our relationships. I thought I would start my newsletter focusing on something so essential to our well-being: relationships.

Whether it is your boyfriend, girlfriend, child, husband, wife, sister, brother or best friend- most people, as social creatures, tend to spend some time turning over these relationships in their minds. Sometimes we turn them over in our minds with relish, sometimes with fury. Either way, there they are. Our significant relationships are oftentimes at the forefront of who we are. Hidden inside of all our relationships is the one we have with ourselves, the ground zero, the ultimate starting place. Who we are is in every relationship we have.

Consider the words of Bill McDonnough, a leading expert on environmental architecture (he's working with Brad Pitt right now on rebuilding New Orleans). He proposed that in this life we need more than just sustainability for the environment; we need kinship. Not only do we need more kinship with our environment, we need more kinship with all of our relationships. How we treat each other will reflect in how we treat our world.

He said, "If I asked you how your relationship with your husband or wife is and you said 'sustainable', is that really good enough? No way. It's not good enough for you or for your spouse. It's time for kinship."

What is kinship and how can I experience the greatest kinship with the people in my life?

Kinship is what happens to relationships when they are functioning with the greatest possible ease at the highest possible return. This means that each party gets back a thousand times what they give in terms of love, happiness, and fulfillment.

Kinship is like planting a small apple seed and getting back a whole tree full of apples. One seed just keeps yielding more and more, year after year. Many of my relationships are yielding apples but if I am to be totally honest, I will admit that I have a few relationships that aren't yielding much fruit. Instead they are yielding struggle and misunderstanding. What do I do with these relationships? Do I just keep enduring these muddy relationships and hope for someday?

For an answer to this, I turn to what I know through my yoga. In yoga, I know with my body. I know if I am bossing it around, telling it what to do, believing that it will never be good enough, then that's a type of dictatorship. If I am ignoring my body and its needs then that is a type of neglect. Kinship is a not a dictatorship nor neglect but a friendship. In order for kinship to manifest itself with others, being friends with our bodies and our selves is a natural place to begin. Begin by loving what is. Kinship with our bodies is a little less self-improvement and a little more self-acceptance. So, in our relationships, once we come to practice self-acceptance and kinship with our own selves and our own bodies, we can extend it to kinship with others. We can extend it out to kinship with our loved ones, strangers, enemies, and this earth. This is the lesson of yoga.

For one day (or for five breaths in a challenging yoga pose such as Warrior 3) can you extend kinship to yourself? I mean that. Starting with accepting your self is the path to accepting your spouse or your father or mother. Once you practice acceptance with your self then you can expand.

Extending kinship to myself is a practice just like the discipline of yoga is a practice. Befriending my self, especially at the beginning of a New Year is not something that comes naturally to me. I am more inclined to be the dictator with myself as I set out to achieve my New Year's Resolutions. (Especially when it comes to eating right and weight loss.) But once I do get into the practice of self-acceptance and self-kindness and do extend kinship to myself, I find that the need to put myself down inwardly and to judge others outwardly starts to evaporate. It disappears. I actually find spoken criticisms of others harsh and uninviting. Through the practice of self-acceptance, I get into alignment with what is. The concept of yoga is simple- as yogis we get into alignment with what is and practice accepting it.

Once you are in alignment with what is- acceptance has the chance to become real love. No one has to change for you to love them. Not even you. Incredible isn't it? That doesn't mean that we don't ever change, that we don't honor our own changes that we want to make in our lives. It just means we don't have to change in order to be loved. That is kinship.

This week I encourage all of us to look at our relationships. Look at the relationship you have with yourself and then notice if this is the relationship you have with others. I challenge all of us to honor the beautiful authentic qualities that exist within ourselves and those that we love and accept the parts that aren't perfect. As yogis, once we begin to walk down the path of self-acceptance, we can start to take some proactive steps toward the love we want and the love we all deserve. Sounds like a great way to begin the New Year to me.

Peace and Love,

Anne Falkowski