Is it OK to call yoga your "workout?"

Yoga is more than just a “workout.” Anyone who has been practicing for a while can tell you that. But in addition to yoga being a tool for self discovery and/or mental, emotional and spiritual growth, yoga is a “workout.” If you have ever had beads of sweat drip on the mat as you hold your focus in downward dog or your hamstrings sing as you fold into wide angled forward fold, than you have had direct experience of the physicality of yoga. Face it, we are all physical. We are sensual beings with physical needs. We were born into this world with bodies. Almost all of us have bodies with some sort of limitation but nontheless we are still physical beings. Yoga is a way of healing, listening, accepting, and transforming our bodies. Practicing yoga is a way to treat our body as a temple in this lifetime. It is appropriate for everyone (with the proper teacher and modifications). Yoga is for the person who uses a wheelchair and the most naturally gifted athlete.

When I first started yoga, I was drawn to it for the physicality and how great my body felt from a consistent practice. I am not at all embarrased to say that yoga was a “workout” to me. I was 30 years old and in great physical shape. Yoga was a workout that completely shattered any previous misconceptions I had about it being easy, slow or boring. Yoga showed up as a powerful and challenging way to exercise. It's ability to wake up every muscle and cell in my body blew me away. It was different than any other form of exercise I had ever experienced. I felt as high after a yoga class as I did after a five mile run or an intense step aerobic class. I recognized that my body was not getting the wear and tear from yoga as from other forms of exercise. As a matter of fact, my body was slowly getting stronger and more supple while familiar aches and pains that I felt in my knees when I would run were slowly fading away.

For the immediate physical benefits of yoga and for how I felt and looked, I was hooked. Eventually I would come to do yoga for other reasons as well. I would return back to my yoga mat over and over again because of the mental and emotional benefits. I would return to my yoga mat for the healing that was taking place underneath. I would return to yoga for stillness, the lessons in self-compassion and self acceptance and the connection I felt to something greater than myself.

In our stressed out and fast paced society, when most people check out yoga for the first time it is more likely for the physical benefits than for the spiritual benefits. This makes complete sense. It is difficult to wrap your mind around the spiritual connection that yoga can foster if you have never even tried it.

Why wouldn't someone begin yoga for the physical benefits? There is so much research and press on this. Yoga has been touted as a tool to heal everything from stress, depression and eating disorders to arthritis, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Yoga is tried and true. It has been around for thousands of years. My personal opinion is that there is absolutely nothing suspect or shallow about being attracted to the physical benefits of yoga. Personally I love the physcial benefits of yoga. I want to reap them as long as I can. When my students are upside down in shoulderstand posture, I often ask them to imagine themselves in this pose in their 70's and 80's and 90's. With ease. With gratitude. Why not? In the long run, can the body and spirit be separated?

In the beginning I came to yoga looking for a good workout. Today yoga is still my good workout. I also do other forms of physical exercise such as run 3 to 4 miles a couple times of week, hike and some weights with a personal trainer. But yoga is still a very complete and satisfying workout that I don't intend on giving up any time soon. In my twelve years of practicing yoga I have not gotten bored. I cannot say this about my relationship with running, the treadmill or the gym. I have had to change my yoga practice over the years to support whatever changes my body is experiencing. I practiced yoga very differently when I am recovering from the flu, tired or stressed out than when I am not any of those things. These days, I gravitate to vigorous yoga and I am not a very easy person to be around if I do not get this in at least three to four times per week. Here's the truth- my yoga practice is my workout, my stress reliever, my muscle toner, my sanity keeper, my therapist and my church.

Samadhi Yoga Teachers Talk About Their Very Different Yoga Practices

The following is a collection of interviews with popular and inspiring yoga teachers from my studio. Each one practices yoga on a regular basis. Each one has a deep yoga practice but not necessarily with an emphasis on power. Some practice hard and some practice soft. Some do both. I thought it would be interesting to peek into their personal yoga practice and discern how important and time consuming the practice is to them as a physical workout and if they do any other forms of exercise on a regular basis. I also asked them about diet and weight management, injuries and healing.

Jude Kochman ( Teaches Power, All Levels and Restorative Yoga. She is also an instructor in our 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training Program)

Q. How often do you practice yoga?
A. I practice yoga five to six days a week. Sometimes I practice in classes and sometimes I practice at home. I like to start my mornings at home with a short practice but I also take classes at studios in the evenings if I am not teaching.
Q. What type of yoga do you practice?
A. I tend to lean towards an All Levels style of practice than Power. I find that I can make an All Levels meet most of my needs, whether I need a stronger or more gentle practice. There is just more room for variance in an All Levels style of yoga. In the summer months, I would say that my yoga is more gentle focusing on flexibility and breath. This could be because I am employed in a very high stress industry and I do a lot of repetitive motion activities outside of work such as cycling, running, and hiking. My body and mind require something guiding me towards introspection, softening and compassion rather than power.
Q. Is meditation or breathwork a part of your practice?
A. Breathwork is a big part. Meditation is something I am trying to do more of. I love breathwork and the the peace it gives. I still struggle with meditation and can't seem to quiet the chatter and just sit. I think I allow my life to be too frenetic which then translates into there is too much to do, think about, etc. and meditation becomes another thing I should do but don't.
Q. Does your body get injured practicing yoga?
A. Rarely but when it does, it usually because I am not practicing with mindfulness. It's all albout listening without ego to the body and respond in an appropriate fashion. If I do that, then I don't hurt myself. When I am injured, I simply back off, take care to avoid.
Q. Do you have any other type of regular exercise that you do in addition to yoga?
A. Yes, absolutely. I cycle, run, hike, use cardio machines and cross country ski. I run 3 to 4 times a week for anywhere from 3 to 5 miles. I cycle at least twice a week with distances that vary from 20-60 miles. Hiking is whenever and wherever possible. The rest are done during the winter months when riding is out and running is lessened.
Q. Why do you do other forms of exercise?
A. I love the endorphin rush of running, the distance one can go on a bike, the beauty of the mountains and the woods. I thoroughly enjoy the feeling of my body in motion and the strength that I gain from it. The outdoors is my foundation and in nature I find my bliss. The combination of movement and environment are the best gifts I can give myself.
Q. Does yoga help you maintain a health body weight?
A. I think so. While I don't consider weight to be a big issue at this stage of my life, I do like to feel fit and I know that extra pounds are are evident in my running and riding capacity and efficacy so I try to keep them at bay. What I do find that yoga works best for is keeping me toned. I don't lift weights other than my own body weight in various yoga postures and yet my arm and back definition is retained at a very high level.
Q. Has your yoga practice gotten more physical or less physical since you first started yoga?
A. Probably my yoga is less power oriented but not necessarily less physical. I still feet that there is a huge physical element to my yoga. It just takes a less intense form. I think I've slowed down much of my practice and look to feel each pose more deeply than my early practice evidenced. The philosophical and spiritual side of my practice has difintely grown over time as I gotten deeper into the spaces within myself.
Q. How does yoga support your other physical activities?
A. Yoga is the only reason I am running again. Having injured myself very badly three years ago, I was told by five separate doctors that I'd never run again. As a marathon runner, running was my love and my passion. To be told I could never run again gave heartbreak new meaning. For two years, I practiced yoga and tried to accept the changes in my mind and body. Yoga gave me the mental strength to keep going and the recupreative power to heal in a variety of ways.
Q. How do you eat to support your yoga?
A. I am a vegetarian, so I eat pretty low on the food chain. This decision had been made based on environmentalism and the treatment of animals and my personal tastes. My diet has not changed significantly due to yoga but I do try to eat a lot more slowly and mindfully. If I am going to break with healthy eating, say indulge in that bowl of ice cream or cookie, I try to do so knowingly and with enjoyment. I don't always accomplish it but I aim toward a very holistic and healthy eating pattern.
Q. Tell me anything else I have left out about yoga as a physical practice for you.
A. Healing. I think there is a huge space for healing within yoga on a physical level as well. There are time we torque a body part and repeatedly reinjure. Yoga can be used to alleviate the pain, strengthen the surrounding areas and even fix that which is hurt. Given time and practice, I think yoga can reduce or eliminate all sort of sport and nonsport related injuries. Taking a slow and gentle approach is the way to go for me where healing is concerned.
Q. Is yoga more than just the physical for you?
A. Very much more than physical. It is a union. It allows me the time for introspection, for seeing things about myself, my reaction, my feelings that I would likely not slow down long enough to view. It is a safety net in a crazed world, a place of safety and self acceptance. Yoga is a gift.

Dawn Greenfield (Samadhi Yoga Studio of Manchester Manager. Teaches All Levels Yoga alot!!)

Q. How often do you practice yoga?

A. My yoga begins every day in varied ways. As soon as I wake up, am still in bed, eyes are not even open and I begin dhirga breath and ujjayi. My mind begins to race into my days to do's and I search for my calm center.

I stand up to stretch, if the weather permits I step outside heading to the light. I wnat to feel the sun on my body as I begin spinal movements and lengthen my limbs.

I will come to my cushion and meditate 5 to 15 minutes.

I read something positive; Danna Faulds poetry, Women on Fire's Aspirations, Louise Hay's affirmations. This sets the tone for my day and encouragies me to be supportive to others.

Honestly I am not practicing yoga at Samadhi as much as I'd like right now. I strive for a few classes at the studio each week. I enjoy a variety of classes. I lvoe to sweat, feel my muscles stretch and engage. My home doesn't have the space fom my personal free style flow than in privacy takes me way off my mat, sometimes into dance and climbing the walls. My intention is to schedule less things into my day and enjoy more. With kids, however, thats not easy.

Q. When did you start practicing yoga?

A. I started practicing yoga about six years ago. At that time, I was a gym rat. I was there at ridiculous hours, for long hours and had hit a plateau. I was BORED! I was strong and flexible but with yoga I noticed new toned shape to my body without expecting it at all. I was trilled to physically challenge myself in a whole new way. I had an intense power practice about five days a week. Then i met Yoganand. He blew the doors wide open! Take a strong flexible body and add a lot of breathwork and you've got a completely changed person and practice. I still reap the benefits of my practice but in differen ways all the time, physically, emotionally, energetically, mentally and spritually. On and off the may, yog is in each breath and in each situation if I'm tuned in. It's a practice and it's not always smooth sailing. Especially when I am angry or stressed out. However my practice does bring me back literally breath by breath.

Q. Has your practice gotten more or less physical? Do you have any injuries?

A. My practice is less physical at this time. However like my weight, my moods and even the seasons it ebbs and flows. My goal is to be kind to my entire system. Appreciate everything my body can do. As I age and become injured I am more limited and have to modify. That can really piss me off! I want to rest in crow for more and more breaths but my wrists will ache later.

Since I have chosen to ignore the signs and play in plank and side plank, my wrist injury has migrated to my elbow and just this week into my left shoulder. That makes me mad! To simply move my arm for the first stretch of class hurts!

Q.Do you have other types of exercise that you do in addition to yoga?A. I adore walking, cycling, rock climbing, dancing, and running. Yoga breathing is so supportive through these activities and makes me feel stronger and more present. Stretching after these other things is like diving into a dark chocolate river and coming up for air to fresh strawberries at the shore. Yoga is so beneficial to recovery and respecting the activitiy afterwards. Being someone who feels quite flexible, I always enjoy the initial tightness these activities create.

Q. How do you eat to support your yoga?

A. My diet is constantly evolving. I was a vegetarian for years. A trip to China brought me back to the meat eating way of life. However, I do take it easy on the animal protein. I feel slow and sluggish sometimes. I love to eat with the seans and enjoy a variety of different cuisines. Indian, Mexican, Thai, and Sushi are my favorites. Right this moment I am looking forwar to tuna on sour dough (I am gluten intolerant) with a salad and fruit. I love coffee every morning and a piece of chocolate each day.

It has taken time. When I first came to yoga, I counted calories. I measured and documented each morsel of food and every glass of water. Every day I still worry that I am eating too little or too musch of this or that. It is a cycle that I battle with. I like to think I am balancining and honoring my body but I have eaten almost a whole bag of SmartPuffs or a box of chocolates in one day. My old disrespectful voices come into my head and they are lound and consuming taking up space rent free! However there is Samadhi and it's the light at the end of my tunnes when I need it the most.

Q. Is there anything else you want to say about your yoga?

A. I want to be mindful. I want to love myself and as a teacher I want you to love yourself. I want our childre to grow into teens that love themselves and each other. I want every person to walk into Samadhi, take a yoga class and walk out feeling less stress, less pressure, more in touch with what brings them joy. Breathing deeply and supporting the healthiest lifestyle they can personally imagine.

I don't know what else to add other than I came to yoga as a young woman who was ready for change and like it or not-I got it. It wasn't always pretty and it wasn't always easy but I am a better person everyday that I get on my mat. I am better to myself and I hope to everyone I meet. I cannot imagine my life without yoga. I have seen the other side of my life without and this yoga thing is so sweet! I am sticking to it until my last breath!

Bella Zubkov (Teaches Karma Yoga)

Q. How often do you practice yoga?

A. I practice 3 to 5 times per week usually for an hour and 1/2. The time vgaries depending on my work and my children's schedule but I prefer a morning practice when I have a choice. I prefer a power yoga practice because I enjoy the energy in the room and the level of physical work helps to keep me focused and steadies my mind. The physical practice allows fo me to practice meditation as well. I usually practice at a studio because there are too many distractions at home. But I really enjoy it when I can practice at home. I definitely do the ujjayi breathing throughout the practice. Focusing on the breath helps with meidtaion and prevents me from holding my breath in difficult postures.

I especially like a series of Sun Salutations. The movement is familiar and flows and there really is no need for thinking so my mind can be clear and the breath flows easily.

Q. When did you start practicing yoga?

A. I started practicing in early 2001. It was a challenge but every day I was able to do something new, go a little further and soon I was able to do some things that I never thought I would. I was able to focus better outside of yoga and better handle the ups and downs of a busy schedule, my busy medical practice and family life. I started eating better and healthier and I lost some weight. I became stronger and more fit. These changes continue to happen today although they are more subtle. I may go a little deeper in the postures or I may be able to get a little further in an arm balance but now the intervals between noticing these changes are longer. However, they are more rewarding.

Q. Do you do any other forms of exercise?

A. I do not.

Q. Does yoga help you maintain a health body weight?

A. Yes. I think that it provides a good calorie burning workout and also brings focus of what I put into my body.

Q. Has your yoga practice gotten more physical or less physical and why?

A. I would say it has stayed about the same. Although I can definitely do more and my stamina has improved. So if it has become more physical it is because of increased ability in stamina, focus and clearing my mind.

Q.If you do other physical activities how does your yoga practice support this?

A. My strength and flexibility allows me to go hiking, kayaking, travel to high altitudes and tolerate it better than I ever could before. I would not go on a long run or do another vigourous activity without a bit of training though. I was not a sedentary person prior to starting yoga. I would go to the gym and do step aerobics or a cardio machine or pilates several times per week but it did not result in the same legvel of fitness nor didi it have any of the other benefits of my yoga practice.

Q. How do you eat to support your yoga?

A. My diet has definitely changed. I eat a much healthier diet. I am not a vegetarian but eat lean proteins. I almost never fry or eat anything fried. I eat very little beef. I only eat whole grains and lots of vegetables. I limit sugar and eat little to no processed foods. I eat out a lot less and make a significant amount of the food I eat. I feel miserable if I stray from this type of eating. I do have treat and feel that when I was avoiding these I was not able to share in the food and the festivities. For example-a piece of cake at a birthday party. I guess I felt left out.

Yoga With A Music Playlist: Is This Really Yoga?

In many yoga classes and studios, music is becoming a mainstay. I am not talking about the soft sounds of the sitar or the quiet chanting of a New Age songbird sifting in the background, but loud popular music, heavy base lines, rippin' guitar riffs, trance, electronica, rock'n'roll and rap. Like other recent arrivals to yoga, including non-plastic water bottles, eco-friendly yoga mats, blocks and straps, the addition of music brings with it a similar controvesy: Is it really yoga?

The following essay is my conflict, love affair and expanding relationship with yoga and music.

When I was in the summer that fell between sixth and seventh grade, elementary school and junior high, being a child and becoming a woman, I got my first record album as a present. It was The Bee Gees -Saturday Night Fever. The givers of this much longed for present were my grandparents. They had no idea what the music was all about, they only knew that I had begged them for it. Wore them down. When I received that first album, I stepped into a new world. I was Alice sliding down the rabbit hole. I can still remember taking the plastic off of the cover and the smell of a new album. The way the cardboard edge felt under my finger tips. In that moment of unwrapping my precious first record, I began to grow up. Music became an accesible vehicle to give voice to newly emerging feelings; highs and lows, knowing and uncertainty, self love and self loathing as I outgrew childhood.

I grew up with parents who did not listen to music. Nothing. They never even had the car radio on. Although they were in their 20s and 30s in the last half of the 1960s and throughout the 1970's when so much exciting political and life changing music was happening, they were understandably too busy making a living and raising four young children to give it much attention. With no older siblings to expose me to music, I had to rely on friends. There were countless afternoons where groups of us sat around in someone's living room or basement and listened to music for hours. By that time, I was a little older. We were probably smoking cigarettes, maybe even pot. But what I remember most is not the high from any substance but the high from the music. According to Nina Simone, “Music is my God.” Throughout my teens, my Gods were Queen, Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Who, Pink Floyd, Yes, The Doors and I could go on and on.

At twenty, I fell in love with the man who was to become my husband of twenty years because of music. We grew up in the same era, in the same neighborhood, with the same friends, and with a ton of overlapping life experience. It was no surprise that we shared the same musical taste. By the time I started dating Matthew, I had a love affair with The Dead, James Taylor, Bob Marley, Neil Young, Crosby Stills and Nash. In our two decades together we have disagreed on a lot, but very little when it comes to musical taste. Our biggest musical estrangement is that I will never be a fan of Bruce Springsteen and Matthew would be just fine if he never had to listen to Tori Amos ever again.

At some point in my late twenties, I stopped listening to music. It slowly fell out of my life. One day it was just not there anymore. I felt little connection to the music I had so adored in my early teens and early twenties. I no longer recognized the names or sounds of popular new bands. The current music scene was edgy in a way I could not relate to. It felt overwhelming for me to conceive of catching up. Where would I start? Besides I was too busy. My life had gone in new directions. For the most part, I was content with my role as wife, full time employee and new mother but something was missing. I felt more important and more needed than ever before but less alive. I felt constricted. I was slowly turning into my own parents.

When I found yoga, I found music again. Simple as that. I was 31 years old when I took my first yoga class. My teacher, who was in his 70s, was playing the most beautiful (and current) music out of his portable cd player. The haunting voice of Loreena Mckennitt to the music of the cello woke something up inside of me. As we practiced pigeon and cows face, I remembered for the first time in a long time what it was like to be emotionally stirred up because of a song, a rythym, a voice. From that moment on, music slowly came back into my life. Sarah McLaughlin, Tory Amos, Lenny Kravitz and others. My taste had changed. I had changed. The refound connection to music that I experienced in my early yoga practice encouraged me to seek out the music that spoke to the woman I had become. It would take ten years but eventually I would fall back in love with all of the music that I had once loved and open up to much much more.

I went on to become a Kripalu yoga teacher. In a traditional Kripalu class, music is played only prior to class, during warm-ups and in Sivasana. According to tradition, the music should be soft and non-invasive. The breath is the focus. The breath is the truth. Loud music, drum beats and lyrics that talk about pain, pleasure, and political agendas will only serve as external distraction. Knowing that popular and current music did not conincide with my traditional learnings of yoga, I experimented with it anyways. I felt part yoga teacher, part yoga teacher imposter, part rebel, and part artist. My experiments with yoga and music almost lost me my first teaching job at a “real” yoga studio. A job I really wanted. The owner of the studio did hire me but after a strong lecture about my musical choices. She hired me because I had a obvious understanding of teaching alignment and technique but she took a hard-line approach to the music I had chosen to play in that first demo class. She told me “no” to my music. It would not be tolerated. It was simply too non-traditional and not what her yoga community wanted. I didn't like the feeling of my new found creativity to be rejected but I also wanted the job. When in Rome.....

In addition to teaching at the more formal yoga studio, I was also teaching at a gym. Here I could be as non-traditional as I wanted as long as my numbers were good. And good they were. People were coming to my classes in droves. Music became one of the foundations of my teaching. At first it was strictly Yoga music which I devoured. Pre I-Tunes, I poured over the World and New Age section of Borders. I spent hours at the Kripalu Shop, with headphones in my ears, listening to samples of the newest Yoga artists. I became intimate with Wah, Deva Premal, and the well-deserved king of contemporary Kirtan- Krishna Das. But I also added the quieter songs of The Beatles, Eva Cassidy, and The Rolling Stones into my mix. I was becoming as much a deejay as teacher. I put as much thought into my music selection as into sequence, techinique and philosophy.

In 2005, I went to Los Angelas to visit my brother. I randomly took a Yoga class led by a teacher named Light in Steve Ross's Maha Yoga Studio and I was blown away. During a two hour Power Class, he seemed to play all of my favorite songs. Loud and without apology. Throughout the practice, my eyes welled up with tears and at one point streamed down my face. After class the woman next to me said she was sorry if she bothered me because she cried during the entire class. It was not only me who was moved to tears.

As a studio owner, I see the benefits of practicing with music. It draws people in who otherwise wouldn't come to a yoga class. It works well for Type A people who, if not distracted with music, would otherwise spend the class in their heads instead of their hearts. Practicing with music also allows students to access moods viscerally, to process emotions they might not otherwise unearth without intellectualizing or analyzing them. In my power classes, I see this daily. In simple words, “Music allows people to let go of their emotional crap and feel totally exhilerated.” Music can evoke feelings of sadness, grief as well as feelings of celebration, compassion and love. For me, music gets me out of my head and into my body. My critical self becomes open and receptive. Receptive to the teachings, the breath, the combined energy of the yogis in the room. All of us on the same path for the next hour. All of us unique and precious. Music opens up my limited ways of thinking. It helps me to go underneath my self-imposed labels and every day responsibilities. Music helps me to let go of doing. This is essential to a spritual practice. To let go of identifying with oneself as the doer. When that happens, then what will remain is the truth. My truth as the woman I am;,creative, compassionate, a lover of life, and vibrantly alive.

But there is a downside to music in a yoga class. Music might be exotic. exciting and lift people up and out of the mundane. But isn't that the point of yoga, to be with the mundane? To face ourselves on every level, including the mundane. If this is the case, then practicing with music can be a distraction from the path. Patanjali laid out that the aim of yoga is to control the fluctuations of the mind. “Yoga citta vritti nirodah.” (Yoga Sutra of Panjali, 1.2) The mind must be observed constantly and with unwavering discipline. How is one to observe the movement of the mind while it is being flooded with a drumbeat and lyrics that glorify acquisition and luxury, and other external distractions that do not support the aim of yoga?

Unfortunately I have been in classes where the instructor leans too heavily on the beat of the music and goes light on instruction. I have personally witnessed sequencing as nonsensical, asanas as barely taught, students who wobble unguided in poses they haven't properly learned and breath that is unchecked, inconsequential and hardly referenced. To turn on music and command poses without technical guidance or philosophical reference waters down the practice and allows the term “yoga” to float somewher between fitness regime and latest pop culture trend. This is also a set up for poorly learned yoga and the reinforcement of bad habits which can lead to long term damage. Just because the monkey mind is being momentarily drowned out by The Black Eyed Peas does not mean the students are in touch with their bodies. As we move deeper into the body, into the muscles, joints, subtle energy body and stored psychology, isn't more focused attention, without distraction, crucial to uncover, release, deepen and expand?

These days I choose to play my music. But with discretion. I feel that a loud and distracting music playlist is not appropriate for beginners. For them I choose the gentle sitar or softer artists like Eva Cassidy and Ben Harper. In my beginner style classes I am careful to not drown out the collective sound of inhale and exhale. The Ujayaii breath is a vulnerable and sacred mantra.

These days I play my music only in my intermediate-level classes. Here's where it works. It is desirable to encourage yoga as a celebration. Grunting your way through a challenging standing series while The Jackshon 5's “Can You Feel It?” blares all around you is fun. It is certainly more fun than grunting your way through a challenging standing series to the cacophany of demons in your head.

As a long-time yoga practioner, I know too well the pitfalls of a rigid path. For five of my last ten years of yoga practice, I studied with a demanding and rigid teacher and noticed myself taking my yoga and my life much too seriously. During these five years, there was no loud rocking music of any kind in my classes. This is what I thought was “truthful” yoga. During this period of my own hardcore yoga, I thought I was seeing the truth. But in reality I was not seeing. Yoga's truth is joy. The point of yoga is expansion. Opening up to all of who we are and all that this lifetime has to offer.

When the ancient yogis laid down their philosophy, guidelines and techniques, the world was smaller. As our world expands, so does yoga. If you are really practicing yoga, you are looking inward and you are focused on yourself. You are not worred about what other people are doing. You are not concerned with whether it is “traditional” or “not.” Yoga is union. Sun and Moon, earth and sky, black and white, kirtan and kanye. These days you will find Adam Lambert's brilliant stripped down interpretation of “Mad World” playing in my Power Classes. It's all yoga and its all good.

Summer...It's a Staycation For Me

This Memorial Day weekend Matthew and I packed up our family of five and our pop-up camper and drove to North Truro, Cape Cod for our annual camping trip. When we arrived at the campground it was unusually empty. This was surprising since last year during this same holiday weekend the campground was full with no vacancies. Another interesting observation was that the car trip there and back went unusually smooth. Last year it took us almost four hours just to get off of Cape Cod. This year it took us less than half of that time. We hit no traffic. Even our GPS was confused. Another sign of the times was that while visiting stores in P-Town we saw many of the usual tourists but noticed that no one was lined up at the cash registers.

OK, with the daily news of our country's economic woes, GM on the brink of bankrupcy, it's no surprise to see that people are scaling back. I am a perfect example. As a women who has done her share of retail therapy (especially on vacations) I have had to change my evil ways. These days everything, especially essentials, drain my bank account. For example, the day before we took off to Cape Cod it was necessary for us to get a hitch installed on our van to pull the camper. That set us back $360 bucks. Add two tanks of gas and four bags of groceries and I had to say “forget it” to any extra curricular shopping I might have done.

After experiencing the high cost of a simple camping vacation such as the one my family just took, I plan on staying home more this summer. Enjoy my family, friends, and that which is right in front of me- a back deck perfect for sharing a glass of wine, a newly mulched garden and a two year old who lives to run through sprinklers. I plan on exchanging any retail therapy for yoga therapy. Taking care of my mental and physical well-being is definitely one area of my life that I do not want to scale back.

It's promising, however, that so far this summer, people have not sacrificed their yoga. In fact, more people than ever are attending classes. In these challenging economic times-Why are so many of us doing yoga?

1. Because of tight finances, more and more of us are choosing to vacation at home. This gives us more time to keep up the routines that we need and love such as yoga. We keep up our yoga because we want to stay healthy, focused, relaxed and strong.

2. When difficult times fall upon us, it is more important than ever to take extra special care of ourselves. One of my students, who was recently let go from a computer job in Corporate America is at the studio practicing almost every day. She sees this as a positive coming out of a negative. She says that the yoga is boosting her ability to deal with uncertainty and is helping her to look and feel her best as she goes out on job interviews. In her own words, this is not the time to let herself go, sleep away the day, or gain twenty pounds.

3. Compare the cost of a yoga class (at approximately $10 to $16) to a day at the spa, a movie with popcorn, or happy hour with friends and yoga becomes a very affordable and healthy option.

4. Some of us practice yoga with a buddy. This way we’re more likely to stick to our wellness routines if we have a friend that is counting on us. In my yoga classes, I have several couples, mom and daughters and great friends who come to yoga and then grab dinner or tea afterwards to catch up. In our high tech and isolating world, face to face interaction beats hours on facebook or twitter any day.

5. We don't want to join a generation of everyday people who wear themselves out for a paycheck. We want to make living simple and spirituality a part of our daily lives instead of something we do only on Sunday. We don't want to live in perpetual exhaustion. If we realize that our modern lifestyle model that idealizes the modes of overstriving, forcing, rushing and making-life-happen aren't totally working for us, then yoga is a practice that can help us to reject society's craziness and give us other ways to survive and even thrive. A regular and balanced yoga practice (contains elements of both hard and soft, engagement and retreat) guides us to develop a more intuitive and grounded way to discern and sort out our life.

5. Yoga is perfect for difficult times since it is tough, tried, true, deep, modifiable, and life-transforming.

To me-no matter what the circumstances, yoga is so worth it! Even when my free time is precious. Even when my budget is tight. Through yoga we learn valuable lessons and techniques, especially how to be more alive, more self accepting and how to manage our stress. We learn how to manage our overall well-being. Above all, we learn how to be in the moment and how to cherish this life, even when its uncertain, stressful, or just plain frantic.

The Passing of Pattabhi Jois

A great teacher sees his or her students as they truly are. This week, at the age of 94, the great Astanga teacher, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois died following a brief illness. His children report that he taught yoga in his shala up until last week. Jois was one of the great yoga figures of our time and was hugely influential in bringing Astanga, Power and Vinyasa Yoga to the West. He was a skillful, lively and passionate teacher who had the keen ability to see all of his students and teach them exactly what they needed to know in that moment. He met his students at their own level and inspired them to grow strong and steady in both body and mind. Jois stated over and over that a spiritual practice is just that. “99% practice and 1% theory.” Anything else will not serve the yogi.

I had the good fortune of taking a week of early morning Astanga yoga classes with Pattabhi Jois in New York City days following 9/11. For one full week, a few of us local dedicated yogis carpooled into the city. We left at four in the morning and got back into Hartford by lunchtime. I took this amazing yoga class with over two hundred others in the Puck Building. With our yoga mats in toe, we had to pass very close to Ground Zero to get to class. Yellow police tape was everywhere and the gray ash of the devastated Twin Towers floated in the air.

Pattabhi Jois was an unforgettable teacher. His presence was God like. He commanded the classroom like a king. In a room where hundreds of yoga mats were only inches apart, the intuitive and alive teachings of Pattabhi Jois inspired us to laugh, cry, and physically tremble. He opened up my spirit for a strong body and he also opened up my trust in our world to heal.

As a yoga student and yoga teacher, I was starstruck and fell into a hardcore daughter/father crush with Mr. Jois. As I practiced yoga before him, I prayed that I would do everything right so that I would not receive his disapproval. When he asked us to pop up into headstand without the use of a wall, I did. Before that moment, I had always used the crutch of the wall and did not believe I would ever be able to do a headstand without one. Going into headstand on my own for the first time without support is a yoga moment that will live in the memory of my body forever. I can still feel the butterflies.

After aweek of yoga with Mr. Jois as my teacher, my spirit was on fire. I was scheduled to open my very own yoga studio in Manchester the next day. I emerged from that life altering week full of gratitude and deep in my heart I knew that the whole world was one family. Some good meaning people questioned whether I should open my yoga studio so soon after 9/11. That maybe I should hold off on celebrating a new business when the world was still crying. After experiencing all of the love and kindness in New York City immediately following 9/11, I intuitively knew that opening a yoga studio in the aftermath was more necessary than ever.

The late Pattabhi Jois was a great teacher. A great teacher sees his or her students as they truly are. Following 9/11, Mr Jois saw us all as we were in that moment. Strong, resillient, capable of healing and full of lcompassion and love. His passing reminds me to silently acknowledge the many teachers (yogic and non-yogic) that have shaped my life. The teachers who saw you as you were and believed in your abilities and capacities even when you were unsure. A great teacher sparks your soul and brings that yearning for truth and spirit alive.

Since that fateful week in 2001, teaching yoga, fostering growth, compassion and awakening in others has become my life mission. No matter what age, color, culture, socioeconomic status or position in life, we all need to breathe and learn how to take care of our bodies, ease our minds and connect to the divinity that lives within each of us. Pattabhi Jois said, “Yoga cannot be owned. Yoga belongs to everybody.” I couldn't agree more. This yoga is for everyone.

Meet Yourself Right Where You Are

Sometimes at the beginning of my yoga classes I tell my students

"As you settle into your mats meet yourself where you are...right here...right now...in the sukha- the sweetness of this moment. No need to strive or try to be something other than you are. You are already radiant,perfect and whole."

It is an easy thing to come to the mat full of expectations that moments later turn into harsh criticism. Next time you move on to your mat leave those things behind and just abide in your own True Nature...already perfect and whole. Doing this on the mat helps us to recognize how often we move through our day setting up expectations for everything we do and then creating a hostile assault we wouldn't wish on our worst enemies if we don't meet our ideals. How easy could your yoga asana be, how sweet could each moment of your life be, if you just met yourself in each moment full of love and acceptance just as you are?

Dreams

Dreams are strange. Dreams are messages from inside. Dreams are healing. Last night I had a unsettling dream that a college age girl with autism came to my home and asked me to take care of her. I really wanted to care for her but in the end I had to ask her to go back home to her own mother. This morning I woke up and wrote the following poem:

The Stranger

I dreamed
a stranger lived here.
She broke in two
and glued her ear to the floor.

I dreamed
a stranger lived here
pale as white sky.
I had to hand her back
to the authorities
the ones she came from
who peel skin off my back
with sharp eyes.

Today
I cannot
take care of myself
let alone an angel
sent from god.

The judge bangs her gavel
Her eyes are kind.
She understands.
I think about killing her holiness
But I don't know if I could
live with final Good Byes.

I want to be that stranger-
let me shatter
and rearrange my parts
in unexpected ways.
I want to be teeth, hair,
blood and bone-
take my last breath
on doorways and windows
and the refrigerator door.

The stranger could care
less who sees her.
She knows that pieces
glued to the forgotten
will eventually die
and new holes
will allow her true light
to shine.

Corpse Pose- Faith or Fear?

Many yogis find Sivasana (corpse pose) at the end of yoga practice to be the most challenging of all yoga poses. This was certainly the case with me during my first few years of practice. Resistance to corpse pose will show itself whenever I am out of balance. Doing too much. Frantic. Going and pleasing. Going and pleasing.

Our shared silent theme song could be:“Give us warrior ones and twos, lead us into salvation with hip openers, throw at us endless planks and backbends but please please don't ever make us lie on our backs and do nothing.” Why is this? Why is it unsettling to take a brief amount of time and do nothing? In our fourteen waking hours, why would five to ten minutes of doing absolutely nothing make us want to get up and run?

The only reason some of us don't leave the room is because we consider ourselves too polite. We wouldn't want the instructor to take it personally (Ha!) or what if our desire to flee might be viewed as some sort of character flaw, or even worse, a weakness.

I believe the reason for this difficult relationship with Sivasana is all about control. In yoga language the word yama has two definitions. The first is “control” and the second is “death.” I cannot accept this duality in definition as coincidence. The ancient yogis recognized that control and death are intertwined. They cannot be separated. Two sides of the same sheet of paper. What is the biggest thing we cannot control? Death. Let us control each and every moment and maybe then we can avoid our biggest fear.

We are a nation of stress junkies. We are used to operating on high levels of cortisol corroding our adrenal glands as we take on the world. If we fatigue we turn to quick energy such as caffeine and sugar. We deprive ourselves of sleep. We push on to do more. On the outside we are well put together. Our teeth our brushed, our shoes match our outfit and our make up is expertly applied. On the inside we are shaky. Secretly we know ourselves as imposter's fooling the world. We suspect that we could be unveiled at any moment.

We would have to live on another planet to not be aware of the benefits of relaxation in our hectic and stressful lives, yet silently we scoff at it. It is far easier and more seductive to be the task master of each moment. If we slow down, we have to let go of the illusion of being in control. If we slow down we would have to operate from the heart space of faith and trust as opposed to the mind space of ego and fear. We need to be in control or else what is there?

Wouldn't it make sense to fear asana (posture) practice more? What if the teacher asks us to explore the poses that scare us? The ones that we have yet to master or that we feel intense sensation in. Handstand or dolphin or frog? Whatever our personal blend of scary and uncomfortable pose is, most of us will still choose to stay with the practice. The reason for this is because in posture practice we are still the conductors of our bodies, breath and mind. We choose to stay present or let our minds wander. We choose to do the pose or rest, engage our core or not, reach our arms overhead or bring our hands to our heart. We choose whether we listen to the teacher's voice or focus on the music. In a yoga classroom, the teacher might be leading the practice but the individual yogi is still making all of his own choices. The yogi is still doing.

We are all still doing.

To stop doing is a practice. To stop doing means that we cannot "avoid" any longer. We live in loops of distraction. To be doing all the time, thinking about what could have been or what is going to happen next is a form of distraction. Patanjali call this avidya or ignorance. When we are still, as in sivasana, we can no longer avoid. We must confront whatever shows up and then allow it to pass on to die so that we can arrive and live fully in each moment. When we lie down in sivasana, we lie down with all parts of ourselves. We lie down with our repulsions and our attachments, both of which are sacred, both of which teach us about our patterns of how we live. By letting our thoughts arise and observing our patterns without pushing them aside, analyzing, accepting or rejecting- we allow for the categories of what we once labeled as unacceptable or intolerable to fall away. Observing our patterns of attraction and avoidance and where we are in relation to the present moment allows us to surrender to the feelings that we have been denying. This is what gives us space in body and mind. When one practices this way-there is space enough for everything.

A wise friend of mine said that she believes that there are only two places we can live from- faith or fear. Surrendering into corpse pose, if only briefly, is an act of faith. To totally surrender, there are no views, no conceptions, no thoughts, and no ideas. The world is seen without filters, modifications, interpretations, goals, and qualifications. In this space, corpse pose has no beginning or end and our awareness of time dissolves. There is nothing to be done. No doing. Thinking comes to a standstill and an intuitive knowing, rather than a rational understanding occurs.

If you are skeptical of corpse pose, the next time the teacher leads you there tell yourself any of the following statements. “For the next few minutes, I will allow myself to completely relax and let go. I will surrender. I will trust the process of life. I am open to the joys of living. I will have faith in myself. I will observe whatever comes up without analyzing or pushing the thoughts away. I will completely let go.” Pick the statement that feels the easiest and most truthful. Above all be compassionate to yourself. Always.

The aim of yoga practice in daily life is to live vividly from moment to moment without getting hung up about thinking or not-thinking. Wood floor, open window, blanket, cushion, t-shirt, wool socks – there is something profound right here. We are not trying to create an experience. We are making room for experience to happen. Experience, like the present moment, is always waiting for a place to happen. The architecture of savasana requires us to continually let the ground we are lying down on, literally the ground of our thoughts and our bodies, to fall away, until the constructs that frame our experience pass on. This is an act of both dying and being born. Our imagination makes us very busy exploring the world of choices. In the end, there will be no choice, just death. So in the center of your very human life, where you are always looking around for something better, notice how the present moment is just a small death away.

The Writer In Me

“We can spend our whole lives fishing only to discover in the end it wasn't fish we were after.” -Thoreau

The barn is burned down now, I can see the moon.” -Masahide

This past weekend my fourth grade son was in a children's theater musical production with forty other kids ranging in ages from four to eighteen. I was blown away by their budding talent but struck even more by how uninhibited these kids were. Dancing, acting, and singing their hearts out. Not one kid appeared to be held back by fear or self doubt. I know that most of them, my son included, envision acting as a major part in the rest of their lives.

When I was in fourth grade I dreamed of being a writer. I also wanted to be an artist, actress, singer, mother and doctor of psychology. I remember writing my first short story for school. It began with a mother preparing a breakfast of bacon and eggs for a young girl while she lay in bed and let the comforting smells awaken her. (This is interesting to me because I have no memory of either of my parents cooking me breakfast. We were more of a cheerios type of family.) My teacher praised the writing for its descriptive language. I recall how satisfying it was to put words on paper and capture a moment that someone else could relate to, how good it felt to construct a universal connection and have something to say.

I want to become a writer before I die. This buried longing revealed its face when I resurrected the Samadhi newsletter one year ago but the truth is that the writer in me had been crying out for expression ever since I was that little girl in fourth grade. Every time my muse tried to emerge she had been forced back to the bottom of the ocean by perfectionism, denial and intense self criticism. I never believed that I could write anything worth reading. I have always been a good reader and am acutely aware of all the amazing writing that exists “out there.”

These days I call myself a writer even though I have not been published in anything more than local magazines. More significant than the label I give to myself is that I have given myself permission to let the muse flow and trust my written word. It might not be much but I have chosen to carve out one hour twice a week to devote to my dream. This is a realistic and compassionate chunk of time. Twice a week I must begin. Twice a week, no matter what, I must face the blank page. I must face the faceless and unknown. For the past year, every time I sat down and stared at the wide open page- I felt fear. “Do I actually have something worthwhile to say? I am not qualified. I am fake. I am doubt.” I consider getting up from my chair and do anything else; clean the crumbs from out of the toaster, polish my sunglasses, or paint my toes.

Conquering resistance is taking that first step out the door that confines you. It is taking that first step on the wooded path of your morning run or taking that first breath linked with reaching your arms up to the sky as you begin your Sun Salutations. Conquering resistance is saying no to the junk that clutters your path; fear, aversion, busyness or just plain sluggishness. My mind prefers that I never begin. It begs me to divert. Do something useful. My inner critic uses her bitchiest tongue, “Shouldn't you be switching a load of laundry right now instead of trying to be something your not? You are no Joan Didion, that is for sure.” Many times this voice is enough to choke my muse and I quit. I go do something else. That something else is anything but want my heart wants me to do. My heart wants me to put down some words-any words- on the blank page. My wisest self begs me quietly to pursue my dreams to live a big life. The life I really want. Not the life created by diminished belief or the expectation of others. I want to determine my own life. To write. To create. To live and love from my soul.

On my yoga mat, I know how to let my practice and my body unfold breath by breath. But getting started isn't always easy. When I first spread out my yoga mat, I have various reasons why I should just roll up my mat and go home. The room is too cold or too hot, some skinny chick took my usual spot, my nose is stuffy, my body is too stiff, too tired, or too fat. Oh and lets not forget that my yoga pants are falling down and I forgot my hair tie. Then I breathe. I take that first sacred and holy breath. Sometimes the first breath requires courage. Courage to stay and face my own self no matter what state my mood and body is in. For approximately one hour there is no place to go. No place to hide. I must live with the bare truth of who I am.

As I allow my first inhale to fill me and my first exhale to empty me; resistance, anxieties, judgment and fear begin to release their teeth. Soon my body is moving. Sometimes the first few movements feel like punishment but then something shifts and it all becomes easier. My muscles, bones, and connective tissue begin to warm up and respond. They open and receive whatever is coming next. My yoga mat becomes a friendlier place. My mind becomes clear and energized. My body becomes fluid and awake. Finally there is no judgment. I lose track of time.
When I am finished with my yoga practice, my body and mind feel glorious. I often ask, “Why do I resist something that clearly makes me feel so good?”

To begin to create what we truly want in life is like that first breath. We can be afraid of what will happen next. We can come up with many good reasons to delay. We are experts at making excuses and psyching ourselves out. Yet we can't let ourselves turn away-we must dive in. And when we do, it can be miserable if we don't let ourselves breathe and warm up. We need to give ourselves permission to take it slow, make mistakes, and have periods of self doubt.

Sometimes in our own lives we are the apprentice and sometimes we are the master. But no matter who we are, if we want to open up to our dreams, we must trudge onward. We must begin. We must be fearless examples to our own children and show them how to stay true to their hearts desire by staying true to our own. We must let ourselves be vulnerable and burn down the walls of perfectionism. We must believe in our own selves and sanctify time each week to put aside for our own dreams. No matter how small that chunk of time might be. We must take that first breath and plunge. This is how we sing and dance our own hearts out. This is how we flow.

When a Chocolate Chip Cookie Is Not Just A Cookie

Last Saturday, after a long day of teaching yoga, feeling spent and vulnerable, and a lack of my own yoga practice, I found myself eating five chocolate chip cookies in a row. I was not hungry for food and was clearly undermining my own desire to take care of my body. I do not think that there is anything wrong with chocolate chip cookies except that for me- it can be awful. I will feel like crap; foggy, tired and scattered for at least a couple hours after eating this type of food. Not to mention that it will set me up to crave more of the same type of food. It is as if a part of my brain goes on stupid, unhappy and autopilot.

Last Saturday I ate five chocolate chip cookies in a row and so it began: the familiar war with food and my body was on. A place I have been many times before. It had been a while but still I recognized the familiar pull. A tug from my wild side. "Who cares?" "These taste so good." "Eat them." "No one will ever know." "You deserve this." "You will always be fat. Face up to that." The self talk got uglier by the moment.

Anybody who is familiar with using food or any other default strategy (shopping, gossiping, continuous lying or emotionaly outbursts, alcohol, drugs, constant busyness, etc.) to cope with uncomfortable feelings and emotions can relate. To think that the root of the struggle is with food or with my body is an illusion. An illusion that I can convince myself to believe.

The real problem is not with food. The real problem is not with my body. The real problem is with the belief that happiness lies only around the next corner, the next accomplishment. As a person who has yet to fully accept myself the "way I am," I am either trying to squeeze into a narrow and tight version of acceptable behavior or I am rebelling against everything that constricts me. Even if I get thin and stay thin for the next fifty years, I will still be afraid of not staying thin and I will spend my life swinging from one extreme to another. When we want to be different than who we are, when we think we are never good enough, we will never know who we are and we will never leave ourselves alone.

The ability for yoga to be my objective and gentle teacher and show me how to heal from a lifelong struggle with self acceptance is why I practice yoga, teach yoga, and opened a yoga studio in the first place. The real work of yoga is the real work of life. The real work is to disidentify from self-images that were formed a lifetime ago and from which we still construct our daily lives. The real work is to allow ourselves to be who we already are and to have what we already have. The real work is to be passionate, holy, wild, irreverent. To laugh and cry until you wake up to the amazing person that you are, right now in this moment.

The question is how do we do the work? How do we dream our own lives into being when we have spent most of our lives wanting to be different than who we are?

Yoga teaches how to be in this exact moment. As we hold challenging poses, we ask ourselves to think less about what we are supposed to be doing and more about what is actually happening. By being present with each moment of our lives exactly as it is, we learn that the more time we spend constructing parallel lives, the less energy we have for our present lives.

Yoga teaches how to feel, millimeter by millimeter and with support. The support is always there in the form of self observation without judgment. This is the muscle we learn to strengthen. Once we allow ourselves to feel our feelings fully and with complete compassion, then we begin to move through all situations in our life with grace. To feel sorrow, abandonment, disappointment and even hopelessness-we begin to understand what so much of our frantic activity is trying to cover up.

Yoga asks us to constantly inquire into our experience: Does getting what we want take away the discomfort of wanting? If I achieve headstand, am I still left with wanting something else? Is longing replaced by another and then another?

Yoga teaches to honor the longing to have a big life, which can either translate into the longing to have someone else's life or the longing to have the life you would already have if you were not constantly diminishing yourself.

Yoga teaches that behind every addiction is the burning question: What is enough?

Yoga shows us that no feeling is final.

Finally, we cannot understand or move through what we refuse to examine. It's not until we admit we are lost that there is even a possibility of discovering a new way.

After I ate the five cookies, I found myself wanting to eat at least five more. I moved into panic and then disgust. It was at this point that I got real. I got grounded. I took a deep breath, practiced restraint with the cookies and recognized that the cookies are not the bad guys, I am not the bad guy. My longing is not the bad guy. The bad guy is when we forget the qualities that exist inside all of us. When we cut ourself off from courage, strength, joy, will, compassion, and love. But you know, we cannot teach these qualities. We know these things only by remembering them. This is the sweetest gift that we can give to ourself and to others. When we remember who we are, then we no longer have to try to be someone else.

I covered the remaining cookies and left them for my family. It was then that I put some water on to boil on the stove for tea. Hot tea was what I really craved. Something warm and nourishing. As the kettle whistled, I realized that true nourishment existed all along. We all have true nourishment. We are the true nourishment we have been searching for.

Yoga and Worship

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is.I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,which is what I have been doing all day.Tell me, what else should I have done?Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

-Mary Oliver From A Summer's Day

One of the biggest surprises during my past 12 years of coming to know yoga is that yoga has slowly became my path for worship. According to Dictionary. Com, the word "worship" can be defined as "to feel an adoring reverence or regard for..." Let me preface this by quoting Swami J and I must fess up that I know nothing else about Swami J except that I stumbled upon some quotes of his while surfing the Internet. Still...I liked what he had to say. "There is no religion in yoga but there is yoga in some religions." So I am not speaking dogma here but I believe I am speaking a truth that I have experienced and continue to directly know through my practice of yoga.

I first discovered yoga at my Unitarian Universalist Church. What started out as the need to have a single two hour period to myself each week to reconnect with who I might be beyond my all encompassing role as a mother to a newborn baby girl turned into a blown out love affair. What began as forcing myself out my front door became a gentle entry into getting to know myself better than any therapy or self help book had ever done. It only took a few short weeks and I began to look forward to rolling out my yoga mat on the hardwood floor. The late afternoon sun would display it's glory through the floor to ceiling main window above the alter shining in chinks and patterns that gently played upon my body as I surrendered into forward folds, child poses, knee down twists and eventually corpse pose. I was quieted and soothed by my yoga instructor's English accent and his Ujjayi breath. When I closed my eyes I heard only the ocean- loud and rhythmic, ever present, dependable, and complete.

It was in that familiar room of reverence that I learned how to really breathe. Not the shallow breath that I had unknowingly come to embody; a shallow breath that is all too familiar to most Americans. a limited way of breathing that is encouraged by our stress producing yet sedentary culture. Like most of us, I spent many hours of each day sitting at my desk and computer, behind the wheel of my car, and sometimes in front of my television. I also spent many hours of each day obsessing on things that created angst such as piles of unopened bills, difficult relationships and appearances. My tendencies of body and mind had created a slumped position with rounded spine-physically and mentally. Making it almost impossible to fill the lungs with sufficient breath. Like Tinker Bell needed the infusion of children's faith to bring back her vitality and make her light shine, we too need infusions. Yoga recognizes that the breath is a major pathway for bringing dynamic energy into our bodies. Retraining ourselves to breathe deeply can have many gifts including renewed energy and a healing effect.

Twelve years ago I had to relearn how to breathe. Only when I could sufficiently take a deep breath could I learn how to be present for each moment. To be truly happy one must directly know how to be with what is in each moment of our lives. A lack of trust in the process of life and a need for perfection leads to disappointment over the past and a hard knuckled grip on the present in a unrealistic attempt to control one's future. For me, learning to truly accept each moment as it comes was another one of yoga's life lessons. We need little else--praise, material possessions, status, etc.- when we are directly in touch with life in each moment.

To this day, contentment is still slippery. A lifetime of negative thinking and never feeling good enough is a difficult thing to undo. Consider a seed in a crack of a pavement that grew into a tree that tore up the sidewalk. It is difficult to remove such a tree but my yoga teaches me that it can be done. The tree's roots begin to shrink in a brief and fantastic moment of self awareness combined with an intention of observation from a place of compassion and self-acceptance. This is what I need to bring with me to the mat when I practice. This is what I need to bring into everything I do.

The laws of yoga teach that our thoughts are the seeds of our actions and ultimately of our own future. What happens to us by events, nature and others can hurt us deeply but how we react and process these moments of our lives are what ultimately creates our own suffering or happiness. It is up to us whether our reality is harmful or healing. How we interpret and how we attach to situations in our lives all serve to create the amount of energy we give to events, things and others. When we come to understand that we ourselves are responsible for what happens to us, whether or not we can understand how, then it follows that we can change what happens to us by changing ourselves. We can take our own destiny into our own hands.

To be in the moment is the practice of contentment or santosha. Maybe this is why I feel that my yoga practice is an act of worship. A way to open up wide to the gifts of the universe, to connectedness, and maybe even to god. In the practice of santosha we get to decide that in this very moment we will be contented no matter what storms are threatening. As an adult, I have come to learn that there will always be storms. None of us can escape this. If we wait for things to become as we demand them to be in order to be satisfied, we will always be waiting.

Contentment can be enjoyed in small bites. On the worst of days, it is possible to pause and look at the world through the eyes of a child if only for a moment. See the sky, hear a bird, get lost in a loved one's face. We can say, "For this tiny moment, I choose to be content." Begin to look for these moments. The more you seek out contentment, the more it will show itself, the more you will worship life- especially your own life. The more you will feel an adoring reverence and regard for everything

Josh

A year ago this April, my sister's 17 year old son Josh was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma. What began as a limp, while vacationing in Disney World, stemming from a pain in his right hip with no explainable cause, turned into full blown cancer within a few short weeks. What began as a visit to Josh's regular pediatrician turned into a visit to an orthopedist, then a neurologist and then a pediatric cancer specialist. X-Rays revealed lesions throughout his hips and his spine. Josh was put in a wheelchair. He was not allowed to bear his own weight. His bones were pronounced "moth eaten" from his countless tumors. All within the span of seven days.

The next week was full of MRI's, bone scans and pet scans. A port was put into his chest even though there was not yet a diagnosis. A bone marrow biopsy was performed. The good doctors of Connecticut Children's Medical Center pronounced it cancer. They just did not yet know what kind. They sent his test results to a major cancer center to determine the type. Josh waited. My sister waited. My parents flew in from Arizona and they waited. We were all full of dread and fear. We cried and hugged a lot.

Three weeks from the first doctor's visit a diagnosis was given- Stage Four Non-Hodgkin's Type Lymphoma. There was no way to wake up from this cruel nightmare. Josh's cancer was systemic. Although it was not in his lymph, it was seemingly every where else; hips, spine, ribs, lungs, bone marrow and even a spot on his heart. Josh's cancer was harsh and completely debilitating but we were told by some of the best pediatric oncologists in the world to hang in there,be tough, and have faith. It was curable. Maybe.

Ruthless and aggressive chemotherapy began. Last spring and summer, Josh had over 21 lumbar punctures (injections) into his spine. He immediately was withdrawn from his junior year of high school, bound to a wheel chair, and summoned to the cancer floor of a pediatric hospital. While his peers took their final exams at school, he lost all of his prized blond hair on his pillow, developed mouth sores that prevented him from speaking (forget about eating) and was nauseas most hours of the day.

We all felt that the cancer "sucked" and that it was totally unfair. We even wore pins that said "Cancer Sucks." Not Josh. Throughout the chemotherapy, Josh never complained or expressed feeling sorry for himself. Not once. Even when he couldn't close his mouth all the way because of sores that started in his mouth and ran throughout his entire digestive tract.. When Josh did speak about his illness, it was gentle and kind and usually something along the lines of "Don't worry about me. I can handle this. I am OK."

Josh is a sensitive kid and loves babies. This was made even more evident during this difficult time. He always had a smile and a high five for my Sadie. His two-year old twin siblings Danny and Maeve worship him and were like two puppies clamoring for his attention. My sister would often say that for Josh babies were the equivalent of "therapy dogs."

My sister showed me what it is to be a "Momma Warrior." Privately she was scared out of her mind and let out her own pain and vulnerability with those she was closest too but publicly she showed only strength. She did not fall apart. She got up every morning and did what she had to do. She watched her oldest child go through unbearable pain and face the unknown and she stayed right by his side- a calming presence. She did not waiver. If Josh could bear it then so would she.

Every day my sister had to entrust her two year old twins into the care of family and friends while she spent as many waking hours as possible by Josh's side. Between Josh's two parents, he was never left at the hospital alone. They slept under fluorescent lights, on blow-up mattresses and fell asleep each night to the random beeps of an IV filled with Methotrexate dripping its essential poison into Josh's veins.

It is one year later and Josh is completely cancer free. His port is being removed from his chest today. A simple operation. A major milestone. Our hearts are no longer broken. For now, our grief seems far away. Many times over the past year I have caught myself wondering what it would be like to face death. To look into the eyes of the tiger and not know if it was going to eat me.

Today my immediate difficulties seem small compared to our fear last April of losing our beloved Josh. These days I have anxiety about getting enough revenue to flow into our studios during a scary economy. I strive for balance and self-acceptance.

A valuable tool to help me deal with what is beyond my control is the teachings of one of my own yoga teachers, Yoganand (Michael Carroll.) He says that no matter who you are- how successful, educated, beautiful, thin, rich, popular, or healthy, that our biggest fear is our own death That is why we work so hard to define ourselves. To give meaning to our lives. Meaning could be a family, job, volunteer work, education, material things etc. We surround ourselves with our own importance and then we feel more secure in the fact that we cannot die. We are too busy or too important to die. We have too much going on for the business of dying.

During Josh's illness, my father said to me that we are all dying. "Each one of us is dying a little bit every day," I am a yoga teacher by profession and yoga is my spiritual path. My yoga mat can sometimes feel like a raft that I cannot let go of. Other times it feels like my magic carpet setting my heart and soul free to fly. My yoga mat is sometimes my prison and sometimes my church.

Today as I practice in the silence of early morning and take a moment to honor Josh's remarkable journey with cancer, it occurs to me once again that if we all could bare to face up to the fact that each one of us is going to die, acknowledge that each day we all get one step closer to our own death, that once we accept this, then we can know true peace of mind and obtain freedom from our own self imposed suffering. We can let go of our need to control everything and all of it. Thinking we are "separate" and special is a disease that leads to suffering. We learn instead that we are connected to everyone and everything. We are a part of all life has to offer. We are a part of all beauty and joy. We are also a part of all sadness and suffering. When we understand this union with everything than we can take in love and fully occupy our place in the world.

When I look back to last year and recall how my seventeen year old nephew faced something so difficult and scary as cancer with courage and compassion, I am reminded of what is important. To live in fear is to live a wasted life. The best we can do is to love ourselves and each other, take courage from that, and live each day with enthusiasm.

Time For Me

This week I reaped the rewards of being an owner of a yoga studio. Instead of constantly concerning myself with the current recession and how to creatively keep my business thriving, I was able to leave all that aside. For almost a full week. Instead of changing diapers, picking up the relentless clutter and for countless hours drive my older kids all over town, I got to roll out my own yoga mat and train. For the unheard of length of five days, I got to practice yoga for almost eight hours each day at an advanced yoga workshop. One of the best parts was that it all took place in my own studio.

At this stage in my life, the ability to take a yoga workshop is an extreme luxury. When I get together with other yoga studio owners, I hear all about the fantastic trainings they are pursuing. I hear about yoga in Maya Tulum, week long detoxes at yoga spas, and studying with big name teachers. When they begin to tell me about their newest training endeavor, I am always polite. I ask questions. I nod my head in approval. I look at my peers and I smile. I am outwardly supportive but inside I seethe, just a little. You see, I want it all- to be a present mother, successful studio owner, inspiring teacher, caring and compassionate wife and friend. I want to do every amazing training out there. But I can't. Financially, emotionally and time wise-it is just not gonna happen for me right now. I am already maxed out in what I can and cannot do. From past experience, I know that if I take on anymore there will be ragged edges and the possibility of burn out looming large.

In recent years I have learned that I have to say no. Make choices. Honor what I need but also shelf some things (such as consistent and regular yoga training) for later. In my limited world I have seen the harsh results of trying to do it all. I have seen the failure of marriages between some of my oldest and dearest friends. I have seen how rapidly my friend's children have grown up. I understand in my heart and head how precious this time is with my family. I am aware that one day I will have to check with my children's schedules to see if they have time for me. I don't want to miss out. I don't want to forget.

Instead of forgetting, my experience with yoga this week allowed me to remember. I got to remember who I am, underneath all of my self imposed chatter and seep myself with compassion even when every muscle in my body was burning. I got to bring my focus inside. I got to have no expectations. I notice that I am much better at letting go of expectation on my yoga mat then in my daily life. This practice of letting go of expectation is truly radical and unfamiliar to most of us. To break that connection, to see impulses and thoughts arise and not act on them, not label them as real or unreal, but simply to observe them-this is how to turn off your auto-pilot. This is the beginning of developing “witness consciousness,” creating transformation and honestly taking control of your life.

This yoga workshop was physically demanding and I came up against difficult sensations and my own resistance over and over again. I watched stories about my yoga ability and my body play out. It was not always pretty.

As my hips began to open after five days of fire hydrants and cow's face pose, I realized that it was my sense of self that opened the most. I observed the patterns of thoughts that showed up like a relentless dictator. I watched my “wild child” side as she begged me to bail out. Yoga is designed to create a churning and so I was. On every level. I couldn't come up with a default strategy such as making myself busy to avoid what I was feeling. There was nowhere for me to go. No job to do, no child to take care of, no cupboard to stand in front of. I had to stay on my mat and watch. This was hard work! I noticed that I have developed a self-image, a complex system of values, a concept of my world with certain patterns of behavior and thoughts. In short, I have created a movie, cast myself as the star and am spending the majority of my life acting out the script.

Isn't it interesting how we invent ourselves and then we are imprisoned by our choices? We think we are in control of our life, that we are making our own choices, when in reality the choices are being made for us by our own movie script. This is a form of bondage. In yoga language, this is “avidya” or self-ignorance. The gift of yoga is that it begins to thin this veil of illusion. It thins this veil of illusion and requires that we do so from the right action of compassion.

My yoga teaches me that it is only from a space of loving compassion that we can see our patterns, our automatic responses that previously existed below the level of consciousness, and it is in that moment that we are given the opportunity to be freed. This week I was able to get quiet and start looking at my own tiresome and destructive patterns and was able to stay present and be fearless in my inquiry. I got to hear the cries of my own heart and by becoming a loving witness, I felt as if I could hear the cries of the world.

After five days, I emerged off of my yoga mat renewed and saw unlimited potential in clearing away the self-imposed patterns that imprison me. On the yoga mat, there are no mysteries and life is one big wonderful mystery. All of this at the same time. All of this in the same moment.
Like most of us, I am continuously trying to find balance. For me it is the balance between between being a mother to three, running two yoga studios and finding precious and quiet time for myself. This week I got to create a five day island of peace in the midst of chaos. A time in my life where the demands seem constant and there is hardly a moment when I am not bombarded with stimulation. I got to take off my “social” mask, my “professional” mask and my “mommy” mask and go on an inward expedition. I got to investigate. I got to stand in the fire. I got to surrender in silence. I got to pause. I got to breathe.

Passion

This week I have been struck by passion. Not my own passion. Well not at first anyways. This week I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by the passion of others and I have to say that it has impacted me in unexpected and thoughtful ways.

My wake up to passion started last Thursday when I went to pick up Sadie, my beloved and busy two year old, from her new in-home daycare. As I let myself in through the back door, I was immediately greeted by one of Sadie's little friends whom I had yet to meet. She was a beautiful 3 year old girl with long dark hair, big brown eyes and pink and white striped tights. As I met her smile with my own, Sadie came whipping around the corner with her little fists planted on her hips. "NO!!!," my own daughter shouted to the little girl with pink and white tights, "That is MY MOMMY!!" She looked directly at the girl and for a moment I believe that Sadie contemplated pushing her to the ground. Instead she ran into my arms and gave me a big hug. In that instant, she was all mine. I was all hers. There was nothing else.

OK, so maybe there are some lessons for Sadie to learn (in due time) about sharing, but even with that said, I felt my heart open up wide to my youngest daughter and how fierce her love is. It allowed me to think about my own love for others and this encounter prompted me to ask myself if I let my love for those closest to me to reveal itself so open and wide and without restraint?

My second encounter with the passion of others was also a surprise. Friday night I went out to a local pub to see my husband Matthew and his band, 3 Bean Soup, play. These guys were truly incredible and they played all of their songs with a sense of freshness and aliveness. They were playing a variety of old favorites such as Beatles, U2, and Crosby Stills and Nash. Even though the songs were not new, there was something very current about the way they sounded.

As I watched my husband vibrate with energy as he belted out "You can't always get what you want...," by the Rolling Stones, I thought about how tired he had been earlier in the day from a full work week as a programmer and yoga teacher. I also knew that he had been up in the early hours of the night before with a crying baby and had watched Sesame Street with her at 2am. None of that tiredness or ragged edge was evident as I watched his band play. Even though it was close to midnight, these guys were hitting the mark. They were on fire. The crowd was loving it. They were loving it. Again it struck me. Passion. It is contagious to be in the presence of a person who has it.

Passion is compelling and powerful emotion. It can be the best aspects of the human heart. We all have it. It is just that sometimes we feel cut off from it. Maybe the mundane duties of navigating through the responsibilities of our lives sever our connection to such a depth of feeling. Maybe we are scared to truly unleash our potential, unaccustomed to such fierceness and intensity.

When I was confronted with the passions of those I love, it made me want to wake up my own passion. I felt a glimpse of "awakening" in my own being and wanted to follow that spark. The passion of those around me made me ask my own self, " What am I doing in my life right now to ignite my own internal fire?"

As a yogi, I am always rediscovering and studying what it is like to be a human being. I am sometimes painfully aware that I only inhabit a small part of my life. Aren't we all a little like this? We meander through our life, almost as if asleep, separated from our deepest sources of energy, intelligence or creativity. However, the beauty of the message I received from the discovery of passion in others was that I can re spark my own love for my life at any time. Nobody else can do that for me and I don't need to wait for anyone or anything. I don't need to become a better yoga teacher, lose five pounds or have the laundry complete. I can begin to inhabit my life more fully at any moment and in any situation.

The intense emotion and burning that I saw in others this week was an unexpected gift. It made me go to my yoga with mat with a newness and a sense of inquiry into who I am. I must admit I still do not know the answer. But isn't there beauty in uncertainty?

I do believe it is in these little moments of waking up that brings us to yoga. Yoga begins when we become ready to meet ourselves and claim our lives to the fullest potential. Yoga begins when we set out on our own personal journey to reunite with who we truly are. It doesn't matter if we ever arrive at our imagined destination or find a rainbow ending. All that matters is the journey. We just need to take it.