Sometimes anxiety just is. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and plays on my bones like a computer screen that will never turn off. I toss and turn and surrender to restlessness. I feel unsafe and nothing will be all right. My brain will not slow down.
It is now 5 am. A new day and I am off to practice yoga. I can only hope that the yoga button will reset me. How can I do my life differenly right now? How can I release the tension that consumes me?
Off to yoga. In the cold. Scrape the frost. Hold my breath the whole way. Just me on a mission.
For now,
Anne
Monday, November 28, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
what matters
We are coming upon the season of busyness. A holiday season that every commercial and magazine cover suggests be spent with family and friends. As a mother of two and business owner, this holiday season is a time where I want the season to be memorable for my children and free of stress for my family members and students and employees. A holiday season filled with details, yummy food, wonderful presents, family get togethers, plays, and parties. This is just to name a few of the things that are going on for me. The holidays are a time that can be filled with lots of love, both giving and receiving. As wonderful as the holiday season can be, it can also be a time that I find myself being externally driven, eating and doing too much, feeling lonely in spite of all the commotion and sometimes disappointed by those that I love.
Over the past week, at the end of each yoga session, I have asked my students to envision themselves over the next month or so. To envision what it is each one of us wants to bring into our lives during this festive time. This could be a quality such as grace or courage or strength or peace. In my own case, whenever I close my eyes and ask what is important to me over the next month or so, I keep returning to the same answer. To stay connected to myself. To stay connected to my center.
Fortunately I know what it is I need to stay connected to myself. I have learned this through my daily practice of listening to my body. My body doesn't lie. My body asks me to continue my simple practices of walking, yoga, knitting, and cooking healthy nutritious foods. To continue these practices even when the business of the seasons begs for me to let my own practices go so that I can get everything "done," so that all the details of the season are neatly and efficiently taken care of.
It is interesting to me that other things don't show up. Being a busy mom of two wonderful children, I would expect that spending quality time with my children would present itself as a possibility for making this holiday season the best it can be. Or with my husband. Since I am hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house, perhaps an intention such as creating the most wonderful atmosphere and nurturing foods for my family and friends should be the intention that shows up for me. What about orchestrating a holiday atmosphere for the students and staff at Samadhi Yoga Studio? All of these things are also important and I do spend time strategizing how to do these things but ultimately I always come back to these things feeling like pressure.
One thing I have learned is that when something feels like pressure, either in my mind or in my body, that I must listen to the pressure. I must find ways to do things differently so that it doesn't feel like pressure. This is essential for my self preservation and my happiness. The self permission to slow down, check in with myself and question anything that feels like "pressure" is certainly in conflict with the subtle puritanical ethics I was brought up with. Probably this is in conflict with our western society's ethics.
I am drawn to my yoga practice. As I go through each pose, the alignment or the visble container is important. But what is most important is how the posture feels from the inside. Can I breathe comfortably? Can I breathe in the most equisite energy? Can I honor my body's need for shifting subtly in the posture for ease and comfort? Do I need to come out of the posture or do I need to stay grounded and breathe into the discomfort?
Over the next month or so, my daily practice is to listen to my body. Listen to what feels like pressure and if it does, where is this showing up for me? Is it showing up in tension in my jaw or my shoulders? Is it showing up in my actions such as unconscious eating or gossiping. How can I eliminate the pressure? Can I do things differently? Can I find ways to nurture myself so that I don't partipate in habits that take me away from my center. Habits that might feel good in the moment to relieve my pressure but ultimately chip away at me feeling relaxed inside.
When I am relaxed inside, I am real. I am my truest self. I am happy. This season, I recognize that I need some essential and simple things for me and me alone to be relaxed. I need to practice my yoga. I need to get my body outdoors in nature. Walking or hiking is perfect. I need to nurture my body with healthy foods and adequate sleep. I find my knitting very relaxing and meditative and I need to make space in my life for this as well. If I let myself get so busy that these simple practices fall away, than I am doing too much and I am not honoring what I need to feel relaxed and whole. Everything, especially taking care of others, begins to feel like pressure. When I am not honoring myself- my family and my students will not be honored by me as well.
My simple practices are important to me.
I would love to hear how you plan to honor yourself this season. What inward practices you resolve to stay with.
Namaste,
Anne
Over the past week, at the end of each yoga session, I have asked my students to envision themselves over the next month or so. To envision what it is each one of us wants to bring into our lives during this festive time. This could be a quality such as grace or courage or strength or peace. In my own case, whenever I close my eyes and ask what is important to me over the next month or so, I keep returning to the same answer. To stay connected to myself. To stay connected to my center.
Fortunately I know what it is I need to stay connected to myself. I have learned this through my daily practice of listening to my body. My body doesn't lie. My body asks me to continue my simple practices of walking, yoga, knitting, and cooking healthy nutritious foods. To continue these practices even when the business of the seasons begs for me to let my own practices go so that I can get everything "done," so that all the details of the season are neatly and efficiently taken care of.
It is interesting to me that other things don't show up. Being a busy mom of two wonderful children, I would expect that spending quality time with my children would present itself as a possibility for making this holiday season the best it can be. Or with my husband. Since I am hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house, perhaps an intention such as creating the most wonderful atmosphere and nurturing foods for my family and friends should be the intention that shows up for me. What about orchestrating a holiday atmosphere for the students and staff at Samadhi Yoga Studio? All of these things are also important and I do spend time strategizing how to do these things but ultimately I always come back to these things feeling like pressure.
One thing I have learned is that when something feels like pressure, either in my mind or in my body, that I must listen to the pressure. I must find ways to do things differently so that it doesn't feel like pressure. This is essential for my self preservation and my happiness. The self permission to slow down, check in with myself and question anything that feels like "pressure" is certainly in conflict with the subtle puritanical ethics I was brought up with. Probably this is in conflict with our western society's ethics.
I am drawn to my yoga practice. As I go through each pose, the alignment or the visble container is important. But what is most important is how the posture feels from the inside. Can I breathe comfortably? Can I breathe in the most equisite energy? Can I honor my body's need for shifting subtly in the posture for ease and comfort? Do I need to come out of the posture or do I need to stay grounded and breathe into the discomfort?
Over the next month or so, my daily practice is to listen to my body. Listen to what feels like pressure and if it does, where is this showing up for me? Is it showing up in tension in my jaw or my shoulders? Is it showing up in my actions such as unconscious eating or gossiping. How can I eliminate the pressure? Can I do things differently? Can I find ways to nurture myself so that I don't partipate in habits that take me away from my center. Habits that might feel good in the moment to relieve my pressure but ultimately chip away at me feeling relaxed inside.
When I am relaxed inside, I am real. I am my truest self. I am happy. This season, I recognize that I need some essential and simple things for me and me alone to be relaxed. I need to practice my yoga. I need to get my body outdoors in nature. Walking or hiking is perfect. I need to nurture my body with healthy foods and adequate sleep. I find my knitting very relaxing and meditative and I need to make space in my life for this as well. If I let myself get so busy that these simple practices fall away, than I am doing too much and I am not honoring what I need to feel relaxed and whole. Everything, especially taking care of others, begins to feel like pressure. When I am not honoring myself- my family and my students will not be honored by me as well.
My simple practices are important to me.
I would love to hear how you plan to honor yourself this season. What inward practices you resolve to stay with.
Namaste,
Anne
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Yoga Poem
I recently opened up my messy book of poems that I had written. Most of these poems were written in 1999/2000. A time when I was writing alot with some wonderful women in a writing group. It was a time of creativity and change for me as I was yet to take on the responsibility of teaching lots of yoga and eventually a studio. Two weeks ago, I joined another writing group and that has inspired me to look back at my writings. A special thank you to Temple. Most of my poetry is probably way too heavy for this blog site, but I think some of the yoga poems woould be just right.
There is a city within my body
complete with noises,
angrymotorists,
busy pedestrians,
smog,
violence,
poverty.
But
this city is humanity
in both its dark and light forms,
in its day and night,
its outside and inside
sometimes softened
by the night air
where stars shine down
on me.
Come city
lift up your chin
and gaze upward
knowing that you too
have the same stars
singing.
The city never sleeps.
There is a city within my body
complete with noises,
angrymotorists,
busy pedestrians,
smog,
violence,
poverty.
But
this city is humanity
in both its dark and light forms,
in its day and night,
its outside and inside
sometimes softened
by the night air
where stars shine down
on me.
Come city
lift up your chin
and gaze upward
knowing that you too
have the same stars
singing.
The city never sleeps.
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