With Thanksgiving looming so close, I am both tenderly and painfully aware of those loved ones who are not at my table. Some because they live far away, some because they have passed on and some because of old hurts that have not yet mended. Recently I came upon a meditation which honors the connectedness we have to all human beings. This week, I am guiding this meditation during shavasana in all of my classes. It could also be done in comfortable seated pose.
I offer this meditation to all of us who desire to honor their relationships-past, present and future.
"The breath connects us to all those who have come before us, all those who share this planet with us in this moment, and all those who will come after us. Use the simple act of breathing to remind yourself of this connection.
Bring to mind a person who is nearby, physically. Someone who is sharing this very room, or home, with you. As you inhale, take in their physical presence. As you exhale, send them awareness and appreciation.
Bring to mind a person who is close to your heart, but far from you. As you inhale, bring them to mind. As you exhale, send them love and support.
Bring to mind a person who is suffering. As you inhale, breathe in awareness of their suffering, and as you exhale, send them compassion and understanding.
Bring to mind an ancestor, a predecessor-someone whose very life has made your present experience possible. As you inhale, take in the meaning of their life, and as you exhale, send them gratitude.
Bring to mind all those who will come after you. As you inhale, experience the beauty of your own life. As you exhale, send them the fruits of your life, and hope for the future. "
Namaste.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Running
"If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you don't bring forth will destroy you."
Jesus of Nazareth
The Gospel of Thomas
Today I began running again. It has been almost a 2 month hiatus. I stopped running when I began the 108 day yoga practice. At 5:30am every weekday morning I have made a committment to meet my running buddy in front of the studio and run for approximately 3 miles. Sometimes we will do a little more, sometimes a little less. I must confess that I was a bit worried that I would not be able to run 3 miles. My running partner, ever patient, slowed down her pace for me this morning and the run was just fine. Actually it felt awesome. I need to sweat like I did this morning every day. I need my heart to pump and my blood to circulate from aerobic activity or else I get unbearable to be around. I feel sluggish and just not "right."
Today was a gift, to run again in the dark with my friend. To complete the run and actually feel great (although a little sore in the hip flexers). I walked in my studio a little after 6 am ready to do some yoga and I was quite surprised by my yoga practice. First of all, I never did quite drop into my practice all the way. I remained on the edge. My mind couldn't settle. Instead I got angry, really angry. I got angry with one of my friends for something that I thought I had let go of and come to an understanding about. This is one of those situations where instead of confronting the person, you decide to let it go and just accept that this friend has a shortcoming in a certain area and it is best just to avoid interacting with her in a certain way. In this case, combining friendship and business is just not a good idea. We have bumbled throught it unsuccessfully for over 5 years and instead of being resentful, I had made a decision to just not interact with her anymore on a business level.
This blog entry is not about her. She wasn't even with me this morning. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of weeks. She is a wonderful person and I have no desire to alter our friendship in any way. She has some areas in her life where she could mature. We all do. This blog entry is not about her but about me. Why does the running bring up these emotions for me? This is not the first time. I have noticed this before. It stirs up my dark side. It stirs up the ugliness, the pettiness, the old hurts, and the unworthiness. I have heard it referred to as a "pot of self loathing. " We all have one. It is a pot that we must bear witness to when it tips over and spill through our consciousness. We may not recognize it at first because it is both guilded with compensatory feelings such as superiority, arrogance, anger and judgement and it's camouflaged pretty well with worldly attatchments such as youth and health and success and pleasure. But woe to the person whose pot of self-loathing is struck by an outside event like a rejection or a failure or a loss or disease. These events cause the camouflage to disappear or the guilding to get scratched, exposing the darkest imaginable feelings inside. This morning, during yoga, my pot tipped over and spilled into my consciousness.
I believe that we all have this pot. If our parenting was really really good, making us feel really really loved and welcomed on this earth- then we may have just a little pot that leaks out just a little self-judgement, unworthiness, or feelings of imperfections. Our pot probably doesn't give us too much trouble. But if we got the parenting that most of us got, a parenting with large amounts of critiscism and shame in it, we grow up with a large pot where self-loathing, and self-negation drip from our hearts.( I am not blaming the parents here-they did not know better. I believe this was a generational approach to parenting.) When this pot tips over, it fills our self talk with words sounding like mine this morning.
Why does the running stir this up for me? Is this good or bad? My yoga wisdom tells me that when this post of self-loathing pot tips over, it is important to stay present. Feel it spill into my body and my consciousness. Feel its tightness in my throat and its heavyness in my belly. Speak its words and cry its tears. Let all that sewage spill out and then I will feel lighter, cleansed, more peaceful.
Will I give up running even though I absolutely adore and crave how it makes my body feel? I will not. I understand the pot of self-loathing will exist whether I run or not. It will fill again and spill again and again until it's emptied out, I die or I smash it. My yoga tell me that the easiest way to get rid of it is to smash it and destroy it. The only way I can do this is to love myself unconditionally. This will smash the pot into tiny shards and the self-loathing inside will evaporate. How do I love myself unconditionally when there is a pot of self-loathing inside? I must start by loving myself for having it and then go on from there.
Jesus of Nazareth
The Gospel of Thomas
Today I began running again. It has been almost a 2 month hiatus. I stopped running when I began the 108 day yoga practice. At 5:30am every weekday morning I have made a committment to meet my running buddy in front of the studio and run for approximately 3 miles. Sometimes we will do a little more, sometimes a little less. I must confess that I was a bit worried that I would not be able to run 3 miles. My running partner, ever patient, slowed down her pace for me this morning and the run was just fine. Actually it felt awesome. I need to sweat like I did this morning every day. I need my heart to pump and my blood to circulate from aerobic activity or else I get unbearable to be around. I feel sluggish and just not "right."
Today was a gift, to run again in the dark with my friend. To complete the run and actually feel great (although a little sore in the hip flexers). I walked in my studio a little after 6 am ready to do some yoga and I was quite surprised by my yoga practice. First of all, I never did quite drop into my practice all the way. I remained on the edge. My mind couldn't settle. Instead I got angry, really angry. I got angry with one of my friends for something that I thought I had let go of and come to an understanding about. This is one of those situations where instead of confronting the person, you decide to let it go and just accept that this friend has a shortcoming in a certain area and it is best just to avoid interacting with her in a certain way. In this case, combining friendship and business is just not a good idea. We have bumbled throught it unsuccessfully for over 5 years and instead of being resentful, I had made a decision to just not interact with her anymore on a business level.
This blog entry is not about her. She wasn't even with me this morning. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of weeks. She is a wonderful person and I have no desire to alter our friendship in any way. She has some areas in her life where she could mature. We all do. This blog entry is not about her but about me. Why does the running bring up these emotions for me? This is not the first time. I have noticed this before. It stirs up my dark side. It stirs up the ugliness, the pettiness, the old hurts, and the unworthiness. I have heard it referred to as a "pot of self loathing. " We all have one. It is a pot that we must bear witness to when it tips over and spill through our consciousness. We may not recognize it at first because it is both guilded with compensatory feelings such as superiority, arrogance, anger and judgement and it's camouflaged pretty well with worldly attatchments such as youth and health and success and pleasure. But woe to the person whose pot of self-loathing is struck by an outside event like a rejection or a failure or a loss or disease. These events cause the camouflage to disappear or the guilding to get scratched, exposing the darkest imaginable feelings inside. This morning, during yoga, my pot tipped over and spilled into my consciousness.
I believe that we all have this pot. If our parenting was really really good, making us feel really really loved and welcomed on this earth- then we may have just a little pot that leaks out just a little self-judgement, unworthiness, or feelings of imperfections. Our pot probably doesn't give us too much trouble. But if we got the parenting that most of us got, a parenting with large amounts of critiscism and shame in it, we grow up with a large pot where self-loathing, and self-negation drip from our hearts.( I am not blaming the parents here-they did not know better. I believe this was a generational approach to parenting.) When this pot tips over, it fills our self talk with words sounding like mine this morning.
Why does the running stir this up for me? Is this good or bad? My yoga wisdom tells me that when this post of self-loathing pot tips over, it is important to stay present. Feel it spill into my body and my consciousness. Feel its tightness in my throat and its heavyness in my belly. Speak its words and cry its tears. Let all that sewage spill out and then I will feel lighter, cleansed, more peaceful.
Will I give up running even though I absolutely adore and crave how it makes my body feel? I will not. I understand the pot of self-loathing will exist whether I run or not. It will fill again and spill again and again until it's emptied out, I die or I smash it. My yoga tell me that the easiest way to get rid of it is to smash it and destroy it. The only way I can do this is to love myself unconditionally. This will smash the pot into tiny shards and the self-loathing inside will evaporate. How do I love myself unconditionally when there is a pot of self-loathing inside? I must start by loving myself for having it and then go on from there.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Yoga as Re-Engagement with the World
I am so thankful to finally be sitting here-in front of my computer. Baby is napping. The older kids are at school and I am finally alone. I have made an uneasy choice to let the chaos of the house sit still for now. For my own sanity, I refuse to acknowledge the dishes that need to be loaded into the dishwasher, the laundry that needs to be put away. A warm cup of chamomille tea sits beside me and I can feel its goodness in my belly. The day is rainy and dark. Fallen leaves cling to the driveway. The wind outside is a warm gush. I am barefoot, unshowered, tired and have been struggling all week to find some way to carve out time for myself. All of my spare moments have involved the simple and mundane tasks of the mother; wiping off crumbs from a counter, emptying out overflowing kitchen garbages, taking the laundry down to the laundry room, picking somebody else's clothing off of the floors, holding a tired 9 year old in my lap, giving my 11 year-old daughter extra help on her math homework, school conferences, dentist appointments, art lessons, music lessons, hair appointments, buying winter coats, grocery shopping, bringing our fat cat to the vet. The list gets exhausting and so do I.
I try to be accepting of my life in this moment, to let go into the world of taking care of others but ultimately I always come back to realize that I am out of balance when I try to do it all. I come back to the reality that only I can take charge of creating happiness or peace in each moment. As a women, mother and studio owner, I could continuously take care of "things" and never get time to take care of me. To get myself out of what I call my resentment cycle, I have learned to slow down and check in with myself when I start to feel overwhelmed. For me, feeling any amount of overwhelment is a red flag for self-imposed stress. Many times I will try to blame my uncomfortable feelings on others. I might blame my husband for working a lot of hours or my kids for not picking up after themselves or my employees for not handling things as competently as I think they should, but ultimately I learn that only I can change my unhappiness. This always leads me back to sitting down in the quiet moments of my life and listening to my body, asking myself, "What is it that I need in this moment?" The answers are always there. I only need to listen.
This weekend at Yoga Teacher Training I lectured that the ultimate goal of yoga is to reach a point where a yogi can be at peace in any moment. Every moment. In the yogic tradition, there are two archetypes or models for how an individual might reach this ideal state.
The first model is that of the yogi renunciate, on the mountaintop or in the cave, totally separated and withdrawn from the everyday world. Going inside, into isolation, the yogi finds what she needs- great clarity and peace.
The other archetype is the yogic warrior, who is fully and passionately engaged in the world. This yogi is completely dedicated to the well-being of others, and vows to never rest until all other beings are happy and at peace. He or she is the one who finds inner peace in the middle of external chaos.
Most householder yogis need to find a balance between these two archetypes. Seeking peace by creating a space free of intrusion, distractions, and external demands. He or she must also channel energy toward service, work, creativity, and relationships. As yogis, we must reflect on which of these two ways of recharging is missing from our lives.
There are other ways to think about this balance-the cycle of retreat and re-engagement. Consider using the physical body as an analogy. One of the primary differences between animate and inanimate objects is that animate beings adapt to stress, whereas inanimate objects are simply worn away by stress. Imagine a mountain that is being eroded over time by wind or water. An animate object responds differently: it actually grows in response to stress. Without forces of resistance, humans cannot develop adequate strength. Think of how we develop physical strength-we ask our muscles to do something they have not done before, and they react by changing; by growing new blood vessels to fuel the muscle cells, by growing in size; by developing new neuromuscular patterns that make it easier to do something that once was difficult. The same is true for how our immune system develops, for how we learn new skills, for how we develop our minds.
The key to this cycle of adaptation is that it requires a period of recovery. Physical rest is required after strength-training, and without sleep we would not be able to create new memories or engage in learning. If we do not offer the body and mind a period of rest, retreat, and recovery, our "engagement" with the world becomes a form of over-load and even self-injury. When we don't allow ourselves periods of rest, we don't become resilliant. We don't develop resistance. We are no longer replenished by activity. We become like the inanimate objects and wear down over time. Worn down from the way we interact with our world.
Recovery should be in scale with the stressor, activity or challenge we have recently been through. A little bit of recovery in every day may be enough to keep us learning and adapting. This is why recovery is so necessary in the yoga class that we offer our students. Just a little bit, in a vigorous yoga class, can teach our students the value of "recharging."
As I stated before, it is important to have balance. Consider this example- A person becomes overwhelmed by his or her job and looks for ways to "recover" through retreat. This person begins to try to take care of his or her self by cutting out everything that takes energy besides work. As he or she gets more and more disconnected, he or she has fewer meaningful moments and rewarding experiences. This person becomes less able to tolerate the stresses of their job. He or she ends up unable to get out of bed in the morning, and feeling like he doesn't have the energy to do anything at all. This is a classic cycle of depression, where the instinct to withdraw or to "rest" is not balanced by the instinct to re-engage.
This is someone who does not need more rest but needs more activity. This person needs something meaningful that exhausts him or her in a way that actually fills them up. There is something to the fact that using up all of our energy creates more energy, because we adapt to experience. It's like working out-the demands of activity create the strength, the flexibility, the endurance. People who are in the cycle of withdrawal and retreat have nothing to adapt to-and they continue to lose resilliency with the challenge that full engagement creates.
The other cycle is when someone is so involved with "doing" that he or she thinks there is no time to rest, and looks for what is missing in more activity and more projects. The more this person takes on, the more he or she feels unable to rest, and more he or she thinks he needs to do. Many people in this type of cycle tend to deprive themselves of sleep. Making the choice to continuously deprive yourself of sleep is a form of self-abuse. The body needs rest in order to build strength and endurance. A recovery period is always necessary. We cannot adapt withouts some kind of recovery. If we restress our body too soon, we create injury or chronic pain that makes us think we need to do more-and the more we do, the more we disconnect from what we need. The more we injure ourself.
Once we find ourselves in either one of these cycles, our instincts for balance are usually hidden underneath the strength and force of our habits and emotions. So most of us need to observe our patterns and look for what is out of balance. For the first time in over a week, I have chosen to sit down in front of my computer and create an entry in my blog. As I sit here in the stillness of the day, I realize what needs to be balanced. I have been putting all of my energy into my "work" for the past two weeks. I have been completely taken over by the demands of my mothering. It is time to engage myself in something that fulfills me in a creative way. That is why I am here, at my computer. Writing about what I love- yoga-challenges me and fulfills me. So does practicing some good hot sweaty yoga. Tonight I will make time for myself and I will gently push myself to get out of my house and take the power class at my own studio at 5pm. I will forget that I am a yoga teacher and studio owner and when I unroll my mat, I will surrender my thoughts and body over to the teacher and allow her to guide me into a state of yoga bliss. The demands of the yoga will be challenging yet sweet and serve to recharge me and re-engage me with my own strength and creativity. I will let the demands of the vigorous yoga "fill me up." in a meaningful way.
I try to be accepting of my life in this moment, to let go into the world of taking care of others but ultimately I always come back to realize that I am out of balance when I try to do it all. I come back to the reality that only I can take charge of creating happiness or peace in each moment. As a women, mother and studio owner, I could continuously take care of "things" and never get time to take care of me. To get myself out of what I call my resentment cycle, I have learned to slow down and check in with myself when I start to feel overwhelmed. For me, feeling any amount of overwhelment is a red flag for self-imposed stress. Many times I will try to blame my uncomfortable feelings on others. I might blame my husband for working a lot of hours or my kids for not picking up after themselves or my employees for not handling things as competently as I think they should, but ultimately I learn that only I can change my unhappiness. This always leads me back to sitting down in the quiet moments of my life and listening to my body, asking myself, "What is it that I need in this moment?" The answers are always there. I only need to listen.
This weekend at Yoga Teacher Training I lectured that the ultimate goal of yoga is to reach a point where a yogi can be at peace in any moment. Every moment. In the yogic tradition, there are two archetypes or models for how an individual might reach this ideal state.
The first model is that of the yogi renunciate, on the mountaintop or in the cave, totally separated and withdrawn from the everyday world. Going inside, into isolation, the yogi finds what she needs- great clarity and peace.
The other archetype is the yogic warrior, who is fully and passionately engaged in the world. This yogi is completely dedicated to the well-being of others, and vows to never rest until all other beings are happy and at peace. He or she is the one who finds inner peace in the middle of external chaos.
Most householder yogis need to find a balance between these two archetypes. Seeking peace by creating a space free of intrusion, distractions, and external demands. He or she must also channel energy toward service, work, creativity, and relationships. As yogis, we must reflect on which of these two ways of recharging is missing from our lives.
There are other ways to think about this balance-the cycle of retreat and re-engagement. Consider using the physical body as an analogy. One of the primary differences between animate and inanimate objects is that animate beings adapt to stress, whereas inanimate objects are simply worn away by stress. Imagine a mountain that is being eroded over time by wind or water. An animate object responds differently: it actually grows in response to stress. Without forces of resistance, humans cannot develop adequate strength. Think of how we develop physical strength-we ask our muscles to do something they have not done before, and they react by changing; by growing new blood vessels to fuel the muscle cells, by growing in size; by developing new neuromuscular patterns that make it easier to do something that once was difficult. The same is true for how our immune system develops, for how we learn new skills, for how we develop our minds.
The key to this cycle of adaptation is that it requires a period of recovery. Physical rest is required after strength-training, and without sleep we would not be able to create new memories or engage in learning. If we do not offer the body and mind a period of rest, retreat, and recovery, our "engagement" with the world becomes a form of over-load and even self-injury. When we don't allow ourselves periods of rest, we don't become resilliant. We don't develop resistance. We are no longer replenished by activity. We become like the inanimate objects and wear down over time. Worn down from the way we interact with our world.
Recovery should be in scale with the stressor, activity or challenge we have recently been through. A little bit of recovery in every day may be enough to keep us learning and adapting. This is why recovery is so necessary in the yoga class that we offer our students. Just a little bit, in a vigorous yoga class, can teach our students the value of "recharging."
As I stated before, it is important to have balance. Consider this example- A person becomes overwhelmed by his or her job and looks for ways to "recover" through retreat. This person begins to try to take care of his or her self by cutting out everything that takes energy besides work. As he or she gets more and more disconnected, he or she has fewer meaningful moments and rewarding experiences. This person becomes less able to tolerate the stresses of their job. He or she ends up unable to get out of bed in the morning, and feeling like he doesn't have the energy to do anything at all. This is a classic cycle of depression, where the instinct to withdraw or to "rest" is not balanced by the instinct to re-engage.
This is someone who does not need more rest but needs more activity. This person needs something meaningful that exhausts him or her in a way that actually fills them up. There is something to the fact that using up all of our energy creates more energy, because we adapt to experience. It's like working out-the demands of activity create the strength, the flexibility, the endurance. People who are in the cycle of withdrawal and retreat have nothing to adapt to-and they continue to lose resilliency with the challenge that full engagement creates.
The other cycle is when someone is so involved with "doing" that he or she thinks there is no time to rest, and looks for what is missing in more activity and more projects. The more this person takes on, the more he or she feels unable to rest, and more he or she thinks he needs to do. Many people in this type of cycle tend to deprive themselves of sleep. Making the choice to continuously deprive yourself of sleep is a form of self-abuse. The body needs rest in order to build strength and endurance. A recovery period is always necessary. We cannot adapt withouts some kind of recovery. If we restress our body too soon, we create injury or chronic pain that makes us think we need to do more-and the more we do, the more we disconnect from what we need. The more we injure ourself.
Once we find ourselves in either one of these cycles, our instincts for balance are usually hidden underneath the strength and force of our habits and emotions. So most of us need to observe our patterns and look for what is out of balance. For the first time in over a week, I have chosen to sit down in front of my computer and create an entry in my blog. As I sit here in the stillness of the day, I realize what needs to be balanced. I have been putting all of my energy into my "work" for the past two weeks. I have been completely taken over by the demands of my mothering. It is time to engage myself in something that fulfills me in a creative way. That is why I am here, at my computer. Writing about what I love- yoga-challenges me and fulfills me. So does practicing some good hot sweaty yoga. Tonight I will make time for myself and I will gently push myself to get out of my house and take the power class at my own studio at 5pm. I will forget that I am a yoga teacher and studio owner and when I unroll my mat, I will surrender my thoughts and body over to the teacher and allow her to guide me into a state of yoga bliss. The demands of the yoga will be challenging yet sweet and serve to recharge me and re-engage me with my own strength and creativity. I will let the demands of the vigorous yoga "fill me up." in a meaningful way.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Sisters
These are my two girls. 10 years apart. I often times observe them and marvel at the uniqueness of their relationship. The give and take of it. Are they similiar in nature or are they totally different? Will they appreciate one another as they grow up? Will they learn from one another? Will Sadie keep Emily younger in spirit? Will having Emily as a big sister turn Sadie into a teenager at 5? Who will they be in 10 years? In 20? Will they be close friends or will they be strangers to each other? As a mother, I have no choice but to be with the unknown.Monday, November 05, 2007
Day 26-Meet yourself right where you are
It is easy for me to get distracted by the day to day business of running two studios and a yoga teacher training program. Right now, we have a few issues going on with some teachers and some different issues going on with some of our clients. This is not unusual. There is always something to handle, some piece of a relationship or part of a building that needs repair. In any work situation, I ask myelf, "Do I confront these situations or do I let it go and see what happens? Am I handling these problems in a way that is best for the studio as a whole? Can I let these situations not be handled and a better solution might come up then the one I am first inclined to react with? These are lines of thinking that I could easily get tangled up in..... I have let myself get tangled up in. When distractible events or situations are going down at the studios, I can get a little lost from myself and my family. My attention span for anything other that my business becomes minimal. I meet the lowest common denominator for my own self needs and I barely pay attention to the needs of my family or my friends. The needs of the business become all consuming.
Fortunately, I am learning.......Day after day, I have to set boundaries up for myself to stay present with my own needs as a women, wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I am a slow learner, yet once I get something- I master it. I am starting to get it. Boundaries matter. I am learning to let go of the studios and let myself drop into the other elements of my life so that I am not completely swallowed up by the details of running a business. Details that will always be there tomorrow. Similiar to laundry.
This past week I set the intention in my practice to allow my yoga to meet me exactly where I am in the moment. Instead of trying to contol my yoga practice, I would become open to tuning in and listenting to my body and letting my yoga practice be more intuitive and spontaneous. Trusting that the poses I found myself taking on each morning were exactly the ones I needed.
My biggest fear was that my yoga practice might become too soft and that I might lose a yoga pose that is dear to me. Such as bow or side crow.......
Friday night, I looked over at my 11year old daughter Emily in my passenger seat. I was driving her somewhere and her presence gave me reason to pause. I couldn't stop looking at her, taking her in. If I could have eaten her up in that moment, I would have. Sometimes I let myself get too busy to see those that matter the most. This Friday, for reasons that I cannot quiet identify, I looked over and I saw her. I mean I truly saw who she was, her lovliness, her absolute beauty that came from somewhere vast and open. I saw her vulnerability and I felt her strength. She was and is magnificent.
It won't be long before her absolute trust in me is gone for a while. Not just me, but maybe even the world in general. In my opinion, our daughters ( and us when we were this age) get far too many messages that they are just a body, a barbie doll to be clothed, a sex object. All of these messages begin to register right around the time our daughters are getting their periods. This is the time that many girls, for the first time, experience depression and hopelessness, anger and self-esteem issues. Eating disorders, body image disorders, and god knows what else. They are on the cusp of new and raw emotions coupled with the realization that society's values are askew and, unless they are sexually attractive, our daughters are rendered powerless.
I want to hold my daughter steady. I want her to know the truth of who she is. I want her to know that she is talented, kind, courageous and wise. Messages will bombard her telling her otherwise. I want to keep her safe from the world and its oppression of women. But I know I can't keep her safely in my sight at all times. I am going to have to let her go. She is going to need to individuate and learn how to be in this world without me holding her hand or suffocating her.
At a party on Saturday night, a female friend of mine put it this way: "As a mother, we need to be like a swimming pool. We need to have strong sides so that when our daughters need to kick off of us, we are there to support that." The message comes to me again......Boundaries matter.
A strong container does matter as well. As a mother-my body image, my sense of self, my own identity needs to be strong. But I also feel it is important to be soft and yielding as well. Isn't this the feminine aspect that is so much needed to balance out our patriarchal society? Trust in the qualities of patience and love and tenderness. This brings me back to my practice this week of letting the yoga meet me exactly where I am in the moment. In these moments I need a bit of folding inward and letting my love flow outward. I am a rag doll, forward fold, an exhale. I am attracted to the poses that reveal the surrender. Soon I am to surrender to the emergence of my daughter as a teenager with more autonomy in this oftentimes harsh and careless world but it will not be without offering my own self as the container to which she can return to for both strength and comfort. I ask that nothing keeps me away from that.
Fortunately, I am learning.......Day after day, I have to set boundaries up for myself to stay present with my own needs as a women, wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I am a slow learner, yet once I get something- I master it. I am starting to get it. Boundaries matter. I am learning to let go of the studios and let myself drop into the other elements of my life so that I am not completely swallowed up by the details of running a business. Details that will always be there tomorrow. Similiar to laundry.
This past week I set the intention in my practice to allow my yoga to meet me exactly where I am in the moment. Instead of trying to contol my yoga practice, I would become open to tuning in and listenting to my body and letting my yoga practice be more intuitive and spontaneous. Trusting that the poses I found myself taking on each morning were exactly the ones I needed.
My biggest fear was that my yoga practice might become too soft and that I might lose a yoga pose that is dear to me. Such as bow or side crow.......
Friday night, I looked over at my 11year old daughter Emily in my passenger seat. I was driving her somewhere and her presence gave me reason to pause. I couldn't stop looking at her, taking her in. If I could have eaten her up in that moment, I would have. Sometimes I let myself get too busy to see those that matter the most. This Friday, for reasons that I cannot quiet identify, I looked over and I saw her. I mean I truly saw who she was, her lovliness, her absolute beauty that came from somewhere vast and open. I saw her vulnerability and I felt her strength. She was and is magnificent.
It won't be long before her absolute trust in me is gone for a while. Not just me, but maybe even the world in general. In my opinion, our daughters ( and us when we were this age) get far too many messages that they are just a body, a barbie doll to be clothed, a sex object. All of these messages begin to register right around the time our daughters are getting their periods. This is the time that many girls, for the first time, experience depression and hopelessness, anger and self-esteem issues. Eating disorders, body image disorders, and god knows what else. They are on the cusp of new and raw emotions coupled with the realization that society's values are askew and, unless they are sexually attractive, our daughters are rendered powerless.
I want to hold my daughter steady. I want her to know the truth of who she is. I want her to know that she is talented, kind, courageous and wise. Messages will bombard her telling her otherwise. I want to keep her safe from the world and its oppression of women. But I know I can't keep her safely in my sight at all times. I am going to have to let her go. She is going to need to individuate and learn how to be in this world without me holding her hand or suffocating her.
At a party on Saturday night, a female friend of mine put it this way: "As a mother, we need to be like a swimming pool. We need to have strong sides so that when our daughters need to kick off of us, we are there to support that." The message comes to me again......Boundaries matter.
A strong container does matter as well. As a mother-my body image, my sense of self, my own identity needs to be strong. But I also feel it is important to be soft and yielding as well. Isn't this the feminine aspect that is so much needed to balance out our patriarchal society? Trust in the qualities of patience and love and tenderness. This brings me back to my practice this week of letting the yoga meet me exactly where I am in the moment. In these moments I need a bit of folding inward and letting my love flow outward. I am a rag doll, forward fold, an exhale. I am attracted to the poses that reveal the surrender. Soon I am to surrender to the emergence of my daughter as a teenager with more autonomy in this oftentimes harsh and careless world but it will not be without offering my own self as the container to which she can return to for both strength and comfort. I ask that nothing keeps me away from that.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Aloneness
In the quiet hours of my yoga practice, I have come to realize that I need to be my own best friend. My actions and my thoughts all need to support that. All of us should embrace our solitude.
When I was in college, I learned about existentialism. I indentified with the aloneness of it all. We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each of us on our own plane of perception. I read once that,"No two people have ever met." I take this to mean that even the people you know best and love with all of your hearts are your own projections. Sooner or later you wake up and you're the one whose left. If we allow it to be, this is a wonderful thing. You get to go to sleep and wake up with you, you get to order your favorite food and listen to your favorite music.
Meditation is a practice that comes and goes for me. This week it has been front and central in my 108 day practice. I come to my mat and sit with my eyes closed. 15 minutes pass and it occurs to me that I am feeling clear. I feel joy and gratitude. I let the thoughts appear from nowhere, move by like clouds, change and dissipate. In an instant, they are gone. Who named the sky?
There is nothing to grasp and nothing to control. All that is, all that it was and ever could be, is invited to meet me. It is all right if it kills me. It doesn't matter. I know not to stop it. I become bright and weightless and live without fear. Everything is visible now and I could kiss the ground. There is nothing to grasp and nothing to control. On my cushion, I notice that I'm worshiping not with any words, but with breath and my hands pressed together upon my heart. Where will this love end? How could I possibly know? I become aware of the softest whisper, a breath, and then not even that.
When I was in college, I learned about existentialism. I indentified with the aloneness of it all. We're born alone, we die alone, and we live alone, each of us on our own plane of perception. I read once that,"No two people have ever met." I take this to mean that even the people you know best and love with all of your hearts are your own projections. Sooner or later you wake up and you're the one whose left. If we allow it to be, this is a wonderful thing. You get to go to sleep and wake up with you, you get to order your favorite food and listen to your favorite music.
Meditation is a practice that comes and goes for me. This week it has been front and central in my 108 day practice. I come to my mat and sit with my eyes closed. 15 minutes pass and it occurs to me that I am feeling clear. I feel joy and gratitude. I let the thoughts appear from nowhere, move by like clouds, change and dissipate. In an instant, they are gone. Who named the sky?
There is nothing to grasp and nothing to control. All that is, all that it was and ever could be, is invited to meet me. It is all right if it kills me. It doesn't matter. I know not to stop it. I become bright and weightless and live without fear. Everything is visible now and I could kiss the ground. There is nothing to grasp and nothing to control. On my cushion, I notice that I'm worshiping not with any words, but with breath and my hands pressed together upon my heart. Where will this love end? How could I possibly know? I become aware of the softest whisper, a breath, and then not even that.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Halloween
My yoga practice for the day after Halloween consisted of 6am practice filled with inversions: Forearm Balances, Handstands and Headstands. The rest of the day, my practice was about staying away from the candy. Surprisingly, this was easy to do today. Check out my scary Halloween critters. All three of us are off to 4:30pm yoga class. Namaste.
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